It's blissful at the TIME - yes, but it's also heart destroying and soul destroying.
My relationship with food has been ruined for YEARS - I literally forgot how it was to eat 'normal'.
I spent all of my high-school years restricting my food intake and following a very regimental food plan I had set for myself to lose weight - I was never overweight, but I wanted to be skinnier and skinnier.
I still restricted after my Anorexia eating disorder - and I still battle with that to this day too. The only difference is I am a healthy weight - because of the fact my restricting was counteracted with a nasty binge eating disorder, which many of you have read through in my blog. Causing my body to fluctuate anywhere from 5 - 10kgs in a matter of a few days. It can be disheartening and very upsetting, especially when my brain has not caught up with the 30kg I have gained from when I was anorexic. I still sometimes find it hard to see how I 'really' am - But I sure as hell am in a MUCH better space.
I remember, up in till not long ago - my whole day would revolve around when I was next going to eat! I would literally sit there and just imagine the taste, the experience, the thought of shoving as much food in my mouth as possible. I couldn't go out for dinner with my partner, because I would be imagining and creating a wee story in my head about the binge I was going to have at night - all the food I craved I would eat every single drop until I felt completely sick. My will power from comp prep had literally just walked right out of my life - and I was being thrown around left right and center with the temptations and war of my head.
SO - what on earth have I done to change? Let me share with you.
Self talk is a very powerful thing - because everything you tell yourself in your head usually ends up being your reality, we are a product of our thoughts!
I 'expected' and 'envisioned' recovery as a 'wagon' - a wagon that is going pretty rocky so it was easy to fall off. This lead to 'falling off' being a very real thing for me - only to leave me on the dirt track having to get back up and start running to catch it again. Then I would stumble back on the 'wagon' frustrated for having let go, telling myself "God, I won't do that again" ... only to fall off that darn thing again.
** DO NOT IMAGINE A WAGON ** Do you see a wagon somewhere?? No!! It's your silly imagination that has created a healthy life being on a 'wagon' leaving it unattainable and out of reach a majority of the time! As soon as I removed the fact I was not on a WAGON and just walking down the road, observing, learning, talking, educating - I was okay. I didn't fall off. I tripped up, yes, but we all trip up sometimes when we walk. It can be on nothing too! Or it could be on a really big curb you just didn't see. So, cut yourself some slack. Your a human being - walking down the road of life and you should be choosing "Health & Wellness" Street as it's very good for you! ;) Not Self-sabotage Square!
I would tell myself 'Ugh - I'm probably going to live with this forever!'
By saying that, I already limited myself to ever getting rid of it.
You CAN rewire your brain. You have to be willing to work everyday to make better choices. You aren't going to learn all these amazing habits over night - but I can guarantee if you fight for the life you want to live and actually VISION yourself living that life - you'll be living it in 10 years time or less. 8 years ago I never thought I'd be recovered, until I told myself day in and day out "I want to do the things I want to do" - and look, I'm doing them. The laws of attraction are a very powerful thing!
Really asses what you want. I would live day in and day out trying to fight for this 'fitness model' look and lifestyle - but really, it wasn't who I was put on this earth to be. I look up to women who are on that journey as they are very inspiring. But I have grown to find inspiration for myself in other ways - there is a lot more to 'health and fitness' than just eating chicken and broccoli and going to the gym. I surrounded myself in that so I felt I had to 'be' that - but by choosing something I love, which is health awareness, yoga and mindfulness I feel very much at home.
Find your own 'home' in fitness - who cares what people say! You're always going to feel that, you just need to push through regardless of how you think others view you because, it really does NOT matter. People only really deep down want the best for you! So, find your wellness HOME and make it home. Draw inspiration and energy from the things you ENJOY!!!
Meditate every morning.
"Pfffft meditating is for hippies"
^^^ THEY are the people who need to meditate the most ironically.
If you never have, just try. I was extremely embarrassed and first and had the giggles, but once you calm your mind you are on your way to true peace. I have attached a pic at the bottom of a simple guide on how to meditate!
Food.
NOW, this is the hardest one because you need food to live - but foods the problem. It can be really confusing at times and upsetting! I know!
"Find what works for you" is a very generic term - but honestly, when was the last time you completely changed your food sources? I can guarantee that by trying something new until you find something you enjoy will help your body regulate to where it's meant to be! Instead of yoyo dieting and cutting out food groups - keep a balance. Balance is a scary word for a binge eater because we have ' no sense ' of balance. Balance is just a big 'too hard basket'... but have you actually TRIED? Have you believed you could? I didn't for a very long time until I started going meat free one day a week - those days I was meat free, I had balanced. It WORKED for me. So, I adopted 1 meat free day to 2, then to 3 until now I can go a whole week meat free.
Then it was dairy. I cut dairy out 1 day a week and did the same with meat - now I can proudly say I'm a raw vegan and it works for me!
EAT FOR ABUNDANCE. I honestly eat SO much - it keeps that part of my brain that LOVES food really satisfied by eating a giant plate of fruit and berries and a GIANT salad with vegetables and lemon juice - it keeps my body and my mind happy!
Start by maybe introducing a smoothie for breakfast; spinach, bananas, almond milk, dates etc - your body doesn't like digesting food to early, so I recommend drinking a big glass of water upon waking to get the system running!
YOGA
Yoga's not for everyone. But Yoga healed me. I've only been going to 3 weeks, but in that 3 weeks I have not binged or been inclined to, I haven't had food cravings, I've had a reduced appetite and have slimmed out eating the foods I love. It's a great feeling, and I highly recommend you try it. I go to HOT FLOW yoga in CHCH and enjoy the Bikram classes! I feel way more confident about my body and my body image is coming back to how it should be! Normal and healthy. Yes, I still have my off days and don't want to go in public but they are far and few between.
BE MINDFUL
Everyday - until you can do this unconsciously you are going to have to be mindful of your thoughts, actions and eating patterns. Recovery is a sensitive phase - your body and mind are opening to change so lots of habits can easily slip in! Sit back with your meal, experience the flavor and taste and be GRATEFUL that you get to eat an abundance of food you love -instead of wasting all that money and taste for something that doesn't serve you - like a binge. By being mindful, I just mean think wisely. You are in control of your thoughts believe it or not - so create nice ones, that make you FEEL good on the inside.
CLEAN out your facebook, instagram to only happy places. Recipes, words of wisdom, training advice - instead of anything that makes you feel negative about yourself. (For me it was fitness model pages etc)
I hope some of these tips help.
Remember, you aren't going to be cured over night.
X Namaste, Sam.
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