Letting go.

This morning started off really well. I had a smoothie for breakfast, and went to the gym for the first time in 2 weeks - I did a 15 min sprint session and 15 mins of kettlebell work and deadlifts. Short and sweet and not very intense, just needed to get my body moving again. Was really glad I did it to be honest :)

Then I got home, And I was asked this question;
"do you think anorexia is to much of your life?"

Yes.
Yes it is. And, I will soley put my hand up here and be accountable to this.
I don't know what it's like to not have it. Every single decision I make is based on it. Every single day I have it in the back on my head, and it's stopped me from making a lot of choices in the past.
It's like I dont know whats it like to not know how to draw... I dont know what its like to live life without an Eating Disorder. Every single second of my day ends up being defined by it.
And, fuck me. It's exhausting.

Don't get me wrong - I've made HUGE progress from where I have started from, and I'm hella proud of that. But I seem to have this empty feeling of unsatisfaction - an empty void which should be filled with passion and love. But.. My hearts not happy with something, and I'm unsure what.. I don't even know where to start! But I know because it's due to my eating disorder leading me down this road. I'm not saying I have ED NOW - but, all the decisions in my past have led me to be here - I'm meant ot be here for some ungodly reason which I don't know the answer too and it's driving me INSANE.

I'm lying in bed with Charlie. It's raining outside and I've been crying for the past hour, because it all hit me like a wave. A wave of self realisation, and exhaustion. It's exhausting, being on edge 24/7 about how you look, what you eat, how you train, how you feel when you train, what other people are thinking - constantly in the OUTER instead of my own NOW.

Josh mentioned to me that I don't have much else in my life atm apart from training, food, how I look, etc - I surround myself to it on the daily, and yes, I will hold my hand up there and say I'm accountable to that. I value what he has to say SO much.. he says he can't RELATE to what I've been through, but he can see what Im doing to myself and he's right. So I'm thankful for his recognition of this.

I don't do anything else apart from those things. I get scared of doing something non-fitness related, because it's been my life for 10 years.
EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I haven't gone a Christmas since I was ill without worrying about consuming too much food.
During the CHCH earthquakes I had hyper-anxiety and panic attacks because I couldnt get to the gym because I thought I would get fat. So here's me, trying to run around broken streets, crying, because I was out of my normal routine.
I don't remember the last time I went to a social party without getting social anxeity and wanting to go home, because I worry about what people are thinking about the way my legs look and all I can think about is food.
I cant remember the last time I trained out of physical/emotional satisfaction - EVERY SINGLE TIME I train, is because I am SO fixated on the way I look and wanting to be thinner, thinner, thinner, thinner. I haven't even realised until now. And it made me upset, scared and I felt a little vulnerable.
I don't remember the last time I went out for dinner - and didn't have anxiety because I couldnt eat in secret and I couldn't order 1 of everything off the menu and binge. I can't binge in public, it's a secret of mine that I have to keep.
I have lived like this pretty much every day ever since. Hollllly fucktard.


BUT - I am glad I have caught this now.
There is NO WAY in hell I'd ever go back down the road with Anorexia. I HAVE far too much on the line, and I truly trust myself that one day, I will be free of this. I will be free of comparing myself to others, I will be free of jealousy. I will be free of anxiety around what I eat and what its done to my body. I will, be free. I WANT to be free. I want to run around naked in a fucking gypsy community and just love thyself.


The way I have been living? Lies? Lying to MYSELF? Pretending?
This is NOT a way to live life.

It's draining. It's drained my soul, my heart and it's confused the fuck out of me. I'm so far gone from myself some days because the monkey has unconciously directed a lot of my decisions, that I struggle to find what I TRULY want. What makes me happy? I don't fucking know! I honestly don't know. I don't remember the last time (except for when I was off my face on drugs) that I haven't had it in the back of my head.
It's my own fault I know that, I concisouly chose to do it because I thought I'd be strong enough. But once again I was convincing myself something that was totally irrelevant.
I feel scared of letting it go. Because, I don't know what I'd replace it with. It's all I know, it's how I've learnt to live my life because I don't remember my life before Anorexia... that makes me sad, and scared.

I'm in bed. I'm in a blanket. I'm safe. It's raining. I feel better for writing.


Please, to those who know and love me, trust that I'm okay :)
I'm smiling now, and I know there will be better tomorrows.

Thankyou for reading

I also want to thank personally, my partner Josh, Claire, Claire Eder and Tiare - you girls are and (guy) are the only ones that I converse with this stuff closely about, and I'm thankful for you CONSTANT love and support.
I have come so far from the person I was, but I am not free, not just yet.
Also a huge thankyou to all the ladies who are following and supporting the FITMISS NZ page.. on days like this, YOU are what inspire you. YOU hold me together. YOU are the reason I strive to change the way the fitness industry makes me feel. I may get my head in the clouds some days, and forget... but it is YOU that I want to make a revolution for. I'm sick of the suffering, the pain and I sure as hell don't want any of you ever feeling like this.

X Smurph.

PS - Go buy my ebook :)
Buy my MUGCAKEBIBLE and you get NOMS for free - contact me VIA sam@themonkeyonmyshoulder.co.nz if you read the blog and purchased and you'll get NOMS for free!! :)
 
www.themonkeyonmyshoulder.co.nz/products

The sometimes un-power of an indecisive mind..

I probably take the cake for being the most decisive person.. ever. I serisuoly find it SO hard to make a decision. I will go through the MOST IMMENSE series of calculations in my head as to why or why something is a good or bad idea, and generally don't get any of it done. Like, even going to the gym atm is the biggest challenge, I go through a pro's and con's list cos I can't be bothered, and maybe 50% of the time I don't go because I've talked myself out of it because I'm being lazy.. I'm just not enjoying it at the moment!! I know if I sucked it up and actually went, then maybe I'd be okay... it's the same with weights... like, I go through such a complex process in my head that I talk myself out of it and convince myself I'm too cabbage to do it and there's no point so it's already in the 'too hard' basket...

I find it really hard to set goals... I've never been a 'goal' setter, because I get scared of commitment. And sometimes, I set goals for the wrong reasons.
Like competing - I set that goal because I wanted to prove to myself i wasn't sick anymore when really in the back of my head i knew I just wanted to be lean again but have an excuse to get that lean without people thinking I'm sick.
Silly really. But I did it anyway.

So then I'm left here, post comp.. still suffering from post comp blues. My comp was in september.
I've been on and off the wagon since then and now I'm kind of at a stand still.. I'm exhausted, and really don't know what I want to do.
Josh was like to me "Just set a damn goal!"
And ... I can't.. like honestly, I can't think of anything I really WANT to do... is that normal????
I honestly sit here and get so upset because I don't know what I want to do :/
I have no structure with my eating, no nothing... but at the sacrifice of that I have gained less stress over eating foods I 'shouldn't' have been eating, no anxiety around them and are enjoying diff food sources, it's just my portions that are a bit mental lol. I love food and so much of it. I'm not thinking about food as much as I WAS, it's still there in the back of my mind and determines a lot of decisions I make.

We had a ladies night at ISUPPS chch store last night, a seminar where I got to share my story, Claire got to share hers, and Kacey from Louise Glamour shared hers. It was SO SO amazingly nice, and therapeutic for me to speak to a group about it.
It gives me light on the hurdles I HAVE overcome... but it also makes me reflect on those I am still battling with, and I'm still battling with a lot.

I struggle with the way I look - I'm not happy at the moment, and I seem to perceive being thin or lean as a way of success. My ego has convinced me that being lean = people will respect me more and be inspired by me more. My boyfriend will find me more attractive. I will have people looking at me in awe. All these things my EGO THRIVES off and it's driving me UP THE WALL. I hate this, this is not normal - it's not me. But I'm not going to lie to you all, these are the things that go through my head!!!

Control around food is a struggle with me too - I can't stop at one atm. Because I have no GOAL I have no sense of WILLPOWER or eating to my GOALS or trianing to my GOALS. It's all over the show and is feels like I have no control over anything. I haven't been eating BAD food sources, it's just been an overload of chickpeas and seeds.. like 2 cans of chickpeas at a time and a whole bag of seeeds at a time... Ughhhh haha. I love them tho :( Just not the repercussions of gaining weight from it.

AND the fact, my metabolism is having a hard time atm to. I've been feeling extremely lethargic, not sure if this is my anti depressants or not. Ive come of fat burners, and this has affected me heaps. I just want to stay in bed, I dont wanna train, I dont wanna eat clean, I dont wanna do anything because I havent' had my daily pick me up... I didn't realise I was that addicted to them again. Fuck you addictive personality!! Need to find HEALTHY addictions... every addicition I've had has been bad.. over exercising, drugs, food, alocohol - everything really spirals out of control with me some days!!!

BUT. All in all.
One thing is I'm happy. I do feel more in control and more my own person, having said this is why all these things have cropped up for me to deal with.

It gets overwhelming at times...
I've thought about competing again lots, but I really don't know. I don't see it in black or white so I don't think it's the right answer atm. Maybe in time, But I just want to get lean - and I see competing as the only jusitfiable way for my past anorexic mind to be lean.

Then again, and I just holding onto too much of my past? And am I letting Anorexia stop me from being who I want to be?

Fuck I dunno lol.

I dont see things in black and white, it's always grey and foggy for me...

Can get exhausting!

More or less, I am happy though. I trust that this is what I need right now. I am where I'm meant to be.
I am accountable ,I have got myself here, and I can get myself out.
HOW... is another story.


X Love to you all.

Sometimes, it seems like an endless battle.

My attitude with food lately has been really relaxed. Like,really relaxed. I've had no structure.
I just eat whatever, whenever. I thought this whole 'intuitive' eating thing would work, it kinda is, but sometimes, I do feel a little out of control. I've put on around 3-4kg in a week, and I know why. I'm responsible for it, my portions are a bit out of control, no structure, far too many fats and no exercise - it's a give in that being on the pill to I'm going to gain a bit of weight.

I'm trying my best to not let it get to me... but it's so hot in CHCH and I can't wear shorts because nothing fits and I get so damn concious and uncomfortable in them.

So yes. My foods been a lil haywire. Meaning I've gone through 4 tubs of peanut almond butter in a week, I've smashed back two big bags of seeds, a few bags of scroggin and loads of chickpeas... the only greens I'm having is spinach in a smoothie. God... I need to get back on track!

I sometimes feel an immense pressure because I run a page of health and wellness for girls and gaining this weight back on is not making me a 'healthy' picture,.... but I love food so much. Food, is honestly everything to me some days. I wish I wasn't controlled by it so much tho!!! I just want to eat atm, I'm thinking about food writing this eating a few rice cakes with peanut butter and just picking, with no real structure. Salads, nothing seems to appetize to me - it's like I've lost my appetite and cant be fucked eating so I just snack.
Not really healthy.

AND I kinda am real bored with training. I've done 4 sprint sessions this week and thats it, no weights or anything cos I get so freakin frrustrattted with the things.

I feel like I'm using 'being vegan' as an excuse to eat food that doesnt really have any nutritional benefit to me - like a whole bag of seeds and rice cakes and chickpeas... no real greens or anything. I really need to kinda get a plan in place....

BUT on the other hand, it's been nice not STRESSING or feeling deprived. I don't feel deprived, but I feel disgusted because I have gained weight and It feels GROSS. I get so exhausted of this yoyoing shit man!!! Ugh. I cant stop adjusting my clothes because I get so frustrated with how they fit.

I think I'm just having a bad day, 4 days ago I was feeling fine but I've let the diet slip majorly over the past couple of days and have even been snacking on cacao nibs and chocolate buttons throughout the day... eeeekkk. I mean this would be okay if I was training, but I'm not I'm just being so darn lazy!!!
LOL and its so hot today so I'm in a state because I want it to be cold so I can get hot from eating... Aren't hot days supposed to make you wanna go to the beach and be free and be naked? I really wouldn't go near anything like that atm.

ON the other hand, all my focus I put into stressing about a few things I have moved into my work, creating my own business and ebooks. It's been real cool ,I've finally found something I LOVE!!!!! I fucking love it man I actual do just love it so much, I love cooking, sampling, photographing - I love everything about it my creative side just buzzes out of control!!!

But yes, you see, I'm all or nothing. I put all my focus into this and now I neglect my health and how I look.
Great lol.

Ah well I'll just have to pesevere and try my best. Will relax for the rest of the day and force myself to run tomorrow, and just chug on and get back on track slowly but surely. :) It's hard man... some days I feel so much pressure running a health and fitness page to look good, that I then go and self sabotage by bingeing and uncontrolably eating.

I spend 80% of my day thinking about food.... I don't know if that's good or not... but I'm trying to turn it into a positive by creating food creatively and sharing my passion with the world in a POSITIVE light instead of dwelling on the negatives.

I have been too embarrsaed to post a pic of myself for my 2 week check in because I've basically feel like I've gone back to the start. No weights and hardly any cardio and 4 tubs of peanut butter has taken it's toll on my legs and tummy esp and it's driving me insane. Time to be honest and just get back on track.


One day at a time, like I said at the start of tihs blog. It honestly feels like it's a never ending battle... when I think I've solved the problem I really haven't.

I'll get there.


Thankyou for all your love and support. XO
Sam

I have a serious issue with peanut butter lol.

Yeah, I do. I've been through maybe 3 normal size jars this last week. 1 of almond, 1 of peanut, and 1 of pumpkin seed butter. Is this bad? Lol.

ANYWAY... moving along from the peanut butter choo choo train... I've been at a lot more peace with myself lately, and working hard on 'letting go' of the certain things I get caught up about, that make MY life and others lives around me MUCH much more stressful. It's been darn hard... I can tell ya. I've had moments where I've just wanted to facepalm myself, bang my head on the wall, ask myself "WHY WHY WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT" ... but moral is, I've just kept on chugging. Kept on chipping away. I have days where I will skip training and go home to lie in bed. But its okay.
I will still get up the next day and do my best to get through things.

I have days where I have a huge list of things to do, none of which involve me, its all stuff for other people. But I won't get any of it done, I'll just sit there mindlessley on my laptop and scroll through stupid shit on facebook. Then I might distract myself by going to eat food.
These are the con's of working for yourself. You get lazy.

BUT - The pro's? I have individuality. I can do whatever the f*** I want basically.
I don't know why I stared fuck. Lol. I swear all the time I'm so sorry... potty mouth :/ Actually I'm not even sorry lol.

So yes, my kind of weird controlling stubborn lazy nature is a fantastic mix considering I can't motivate myself to ever comprehend study or following something through without getting distracted or falling asleep. Brilliant. BUT

I'm actually getting a lot of things done lately.
#1 I finished my eBOOK which I thought I'd never do, and it will be purchasable VERY soon I cannot wait to share with you all the things I've been up to! Big props to Eduardo from Pimpmysite.co.nz for kindly helping me!!

I've had a few days of REALLY.. I mean really relaxed eating. Like, I haven't thought twice and I just eat. LOL. It has ended up in maybe two days where I've just eaten and eaten and eaten.. a little mindlessly. By mindlessly I mean, I go numb, I think of nothing but about the next thing I'm going to put in my mouth.. It turns into some sort of ritual for me. It's addicting, numbing and mindlessly amazing... like, it's actually amazing. I find myself spiralling down to no return. I just want to stay there forever. Me, the food, and forever. Nothing else.

Food can do this to me. It has a blanket over me, it will suffocate me if I let it.
It gets in the way of a lot of things. My socializing. Me going do to anything. Me working. Me productivley functioning. There are even times when I'd put food in before a relationship. Food is everything, food is god lol.

But, I don't want to live like this forever, abusing myself with it. I want to appreciate it. And I'm slowly learning to appreciate it through becoming vegan. I haven't been eating many greens lately... I've been eating chickpea cookie dough like 5 meals a day lol which I think defeats the purpose of 'vegan' but I will get a system in place where I enjoy greens... eventually.

I had a megaaaa cheat on Sat tho, I had not been eating very well during the day... It's my day off being 'vegan' so i ate a few quest bars, I had peanut butter on rice cakes... alot of honey. And yeah then I ended up getting a huge burger for tea, two packs of hot chips and loads of sweets (choc liqqooorice lol) So yea - safe to say I had a huge fat day the next day. I woke up with a mega food hangover, so unmotivated to move. WHY do I do this? I didn't let it get to me a lot and I went for a run in the avo after going to the markets with Josh. I'm glad I got up and did something with myself instead of sitting in my own self pity.

I skipped cardio this morning... I was exhausted so I went home and had a sleep, struggled to wake up and get up tho!! Sometimes I feel I could lie in bed forever and sleep, maybe I'm low in iron... or maybe, I'm just plain lazy lol.

Need to make a new supp order today or tomorrow so this should help pick me up and get me going again.

ANYWHO.
Going to go for a run tonight, I'm enjoying cardio and hating weights so I'll just go with it until it changes again I spose lol. No real 'drive' atm except losing a bit of bodyfat and keeping healthy.

X Sam

Vegan, MIA and a new project!

Sorry I've been MIA haha. I honestly just haven't had the time I've wanted to dedicate to writing, and it would have all been pointless waffle lol! SOOOOOO yes, I must continue to remind myself that this blog, is ultimately for me. It's full of my opinion. My take on things. If you dont like what you're reading I'd nicely like to ask you to fuck off lol.

SO, what's been happening? I dont know how long for but I've cut meat from my diet - meaning I'm going mainly plant based. So I'm loading up on beans (chickpeas yuuuum, lentils- heeaps of lentils, black beans etc) and nuts, lots of nut butters lol, and heaps of veges!! Oh and my fave corn cakes! Nom nom nom. I'm feeling really good, it's actually changed my mindset on food quite a bit - i find myelf not stressing about my 'next meal' all the time, and I just eat when I'm hungry. If i want peanut butter, I'll have it. If i want this, I'll have it, if i want that, I'll have it. AND I haven't blown out in weight, if anything Im LOSING weight - slowly :) Im allocating myself 1 day where I can eat meat if I feel like it, otherwise I'll just carry on what Im doing because it's feeling really good for me!!!

Exercise wise I have just been doing whatever I feel like. If Im tired, I'll rest. Mainly I've been running, doing sprints and doing plyo. And a few weights here and there. I get bored with weights real fast, and my body naturally holds a shit load of muscle so I might train back and shoulders lol tthaaaats about it... call me lazy or whateever but I do what I enjoy. :)

Me and Josh have moved rooms - into a nice big room! yay. It's put me in a much better head space and I get a real nice working space now!

I've been working on a few things internally lately, mindfully being aware that I need to be my own person. I have a habit in relationships of putting my heart and soul into my partner, and I generally forget I exist and am a person too. and i take things to personally. and i cry. and i'm a loser. But aren't we all at some point? So I'm working on bettering my state of mind and being my own person TOO.
I'm a lover not a fighter, seriously I just want to wrap Josh in a blanket sometimes of love and never let him out lol, but I must be respectful of MYSELF and also the fact he's a person too ya know - with people feels and all. :)

It can be hard, because I'm a hermit - and I can't help but feel alone, I KNOW that I'm not alone, but it doesn't feel it sometimes. I sit in my own self pity sorrow mess sometimes and It can be hard to break out of!!

So yeah, DOING ME, More focus on me, I've actually decided to start my own ebook!!! I've been a busy woman doing what I love - cooking, photographing and designing.. it's so much fun. Can be hard to motivate myself at times cos currently I'm sitting in bed writing this and not working, but it's okay. It's a work in progress and I can't WAIT to release it!!!!

My bag was stolen from the gym last night too! So thanks fuckwit who stole that, goodbye nike bag with my CARKEYS my PHONE my WALLET lol geepers whats wrong with people these days!!!!!


Still a bit STUCK on what to do physically as a goal, But I think for now I shall just let it 'be'. I have no intention of competing just yet, comps are always gonna be there. For now I want to feel good about myself, have flexibility, try NEW things and just LIVE. Not be ruled by meal times and 'ooo im 100% commited' kinda shiz, cos I'm not. It doesn't serve me like it does others. If anything its just my Anorexic side that wants to be lean. As a human, a person, I couldn't give a fuck. But my ego, good old ego always says - Go on, you want to be lean. You want to look good.

Ahhhhhhhhh the ego, how I fucking hate it lol.


Anyways, enough rant. I better get back to some form of work.... my beds so comfy tho lol!!!!

XOXOO Smurphy :) Oh, and charlie!!!

A little bit here, a little bit there.

Wow haven't had a chance to sit down and right for two reasons; Have been procrastinating lol and also I honestly just didnt know what to write!!!!!
I've been having SOOOOOOO much go thru my head lately, and just have not known how to voice it all lol. I've been talking to Josh heaps and basically out loud diarying to him lol poor boy, but it's helped heaps!!

Basically, I'm impatient.
I forget, that this process takes TIME, patience, perseverance, dedication, and all that crap.. And I sit here thinking welllll why can't I just have slim legs NOW?!?!?!?! AHhh, no murphy. WAIT. WORK HARD. EAT WELL.

SO thats what I've been doing.
I've been listening to my body a bit more, feel like training? Train
Don't feel like training? Rest
Hungry? Eat
Feel like that? Eat that
More intuitive I spose, and I feel semi human lol it's great, I have my moments but I am slowly becoming more confident with my body again and it feels great.

I've been abit lost, goals wise. YES, I want to be insanely shredded, but at what cost. I dont know if I wanna comepte again... I'd love to, maybe just not yet. Comps aren't going to go anywhere and I think a bit of time off to rebuild a better relationship with food would be more beneficial for my long term sanity.

On another note, I've decided to go vegan. I don't know how long for, I'm just slowly chipping away at the no meat thing and increasing my vege intake. I'm feeling a lot better after just 1 day. I goooootta be careful tho I don't use it as an excuse to go all out on peanut butter and ricecakes lol!!!!
I'm gonna be vegan 6/7 days a week, the 1 day I'm not is my treat meal so If I want a burger, I'll damn well have a burger lol!!!

But yeah, I spose itsjust about finding that happy 'balance' ... dear lord, who knew it'd be so hard! I'm getting stronger everday tho and I EVEN WORE SHORTS TO THE GYM!!!! This probably sounds so stupid, but if I'm honest with you I despise my legs a lil and am super embarrased to show my meat thighs in public.. I'm so used to having lean runners legs and i wish I still had them, so my brain hasn't caught up to the fact I'm not there anymore.
SO, yeah I wore shorts. I got out of my comfort zone and just forced myself to get over it, man it was hard. I literally spent 10 mins sitting in the changing room debating how to go about it. AND I EVEN RAN on the tredmill, legs jiggling and all!!! I don't think I'll do it too often tho lol but it was good to do it finally!! I used to always train in shorts and not care, but now I get so caught up on what others think and that I have to set a 'standard' ... I'm a perfectionist, and I damn well wanna be the best person in the gym. I don't know why, I just always have this burning desire. It's stupid I know, nobody cares... but some days, I do. I'm a human and I'm a loser sometimes too ya know hahahaha.

BLLLLLAAAAAAA
Anyway, yeah, I've been chippin away with positivity!

Lying here w Charlie having a nap! Eating some chickpeas nom nom nom :)

Much love
XO Smurphy.

4 weeks diff, bottom pics were taken today.

Acceptance

So, its been a big few days for me emotionally, didnt even know what to write. Lol.

Just finished my workout, did shoulders n glutes and plyo.

So, update.. ive relaxed w my attitude towards meals. Last week was an epic flop due to 3 binges. Sat night involved me eating 8 wraps, a tub of peanut butter, a tub of honey and a pack of rice cakes.. maan did i feel yuck yesterday. Ive come to a realisation that my binges are not emotional, its just a battle between my rational and irrational brain. My primal instinct says.. EAT.. but my otherside says no, you want that six pack. Which i do. I freakin love having a six pack.. but i love food too. Food usualy wins. I am not upset eating.. just have this compulsion to eat heaps.
I think its a result of me being anorexic in the past. 4 years of starvation and my brains a little overwhelmed!

Have been running 5 to 15km mst days which is making me more confident bout my legs, just gota make sure i dnt burn myself out.

Me n josh went to the river last nght with some blankets and had subway.. it was so nice to escape life for a bit!

My pills makin me feel ultra watery.. im trying my best not to focus on it and get me down,its hard!

Soz for the gumby brief blog im on my phone, will give ya a better update tmrw

X Sam