I probably take the cake for being the most decisive person.. ever. I serisuoly find it SO hard to make a decision. I will go through the MOST IMMENSE series of calculations in my head as to why or why something is a good or bad idea, and generally don't get any of it done. Like, even going to the gym atm is the biggest challenge, I go through a pro's and con's list cos I can't be bothered, and maybe 50% of the time I don't go because I've talked myself out of it because I'm being lazy.. I'm just not enjoying it at the moment!! I know if I sucked it up and actually went, then maybe I'd be okay... it's the same with weights... like, I go through such a complex process in my head that I talk myself out of it and convince myself I'm too cabbage to do it and there's no point so it's already in the 'too hard' basket...
I find it really hard to set goals... I've never been a 'goal' setter, because I get scared of commitment. And sometimes, I set goals for the wrong reasons.
Like competing - I set that goal because I wanted to prove to myself i wasn't sick anymore when really in the back of my head i knew I just wanted to be lean again but have an excuse to get that lean without people thinking I'm sick.
Silly really. But I did it anyway.
So then I'm left here, post comp.. still suffering from post comp blues. My comp was in september.
I've been on and off the wagon since then and now I'm kind of at a stand still.. I'm exhausted, and really don't know what I want to do.
Josh was like to me "Just set a damn goal!"
And ... I can't.. like honestly, I can't think of anything I really WANT to do... is that normal????
I honestly sit here and get so upset because I don't know what I want to do :/
I have no structure with my eating, no nothing... but at the sacrifice of that I have gained less stress over eating foods I 'shouldn't' have been eating, no anxiety around them and are enjoying diff food sources, it's just my portions that are a bit mental lol. I love food and so much of it. I'm not thinking about food as much as I WAS, it's still there in the back of my mind and determines a lot of decisions I make.
We had a ladies night at ISUPPS chch store last night, a seminar where I got to share my story, Claire got to share hers, and Kacey from Louise Glamour shared hers. It was SO SO amazingly nice, and therapeutic for me to speak to a group about it.
It gives me light on the hurdles I HAVE overcome... but it also makes me reflect on those I am still battling with, and I'm still battling with a lot.
I struggle with the way I look - I'm not happy at the moment, and I seem to perceive being thin or lean as a way of success. My ego has convinced me that being lean = people will respect me more and be inspired by me more. My boyfriend will find me more attractive. I will have people looking at me in awe. All these things my EGO THRIVES off and it's driving me UP THE WALL. I hate this, this is not normal - it's not me. But I'm not going to lie to you all, these are the things that go through my head!!!
Control around food is a struggle with me too - I can't stop at one atm. Because I have no GOAL I have no sense of WILLPOWER or eating to my GOALS or trianing to my GOALS. It's all over the show and is feels like I have no control over anything. I haven't been eating BAD food sources, it's just been an overload of chickpeas and seeds.. like 2 cans of chickpeas at a time and a whole bag of seeeds at a time... Ughhhh haha. I love them tho :( Just not the repercussions of gaining weight from it.
AND the fact, my metabolism is having a hard time atm to. I've been feeling extremely lethargic, not sure if this is my anti depressants or not. Ive come of fat burners, and this has affected me heaps. I just want to stay in bed, I dont wanna train, I dont wanna eat clean, I dont wanna do anything because I havent' had my daily pick me up... I didn't realise I was that addicted to them again. Fuck you addictive personality!! Need to find HEALTHY addictions... every addicition I've had has been bad.. over exercising, drugs, food, alocohol - everything really spirals out of control with me some days!!!
BUT. All in all.
One thing is I'm happy. I do feel more in control and more my own person, having said this is why all these things have cropped up for me to deal with.
It gets overwhelming at times...
I've thought about competing again lots, but I really don't know. I don't see it in black or white so I don't think it's the right answer atm. Maybe in time, But I just want to get lean - and I see competing as the only jusitfiable way for my past anorexic mind to be lean.
Then again, and I just holding onto too much of my past? And am I letting Anorexia stop me from being who I want to be?
Fuck I dunno lol.
I dont see things in black and white, it's always grey and foggy for me...
Can get exhausting!
More or less, I am happy though. I trust that this is what I need right now. I am where I'm meant to be.
I am accountable ,I have got myself here, and I can get myself out.
HOW... is another story.
X Love to you all.
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