I have a serious issue with peanut butter lol.

Yeah, I do. I've been through maybe 3 normal size jars this last week. 1 of almond, 1 of peanut, and 1 of pumpkin seed butter. Is this bad? Lol.

ANYWAY... moving along from the peanut butter choo choo train... I've been at a lot more peace with myself lately, and working hard on 'letting go' of the certain things I get caught up about, that make MY life and others lives around me MUCH much more stressful. It's been darn hard... I can tell ya. I've had moments where I've just wanted to facepalm myself, bang my head on the wall, ask myself "WHY WHY WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT" ... but moral is, I've just kept on chugging. Kept on chipping away. I have days where I will skip training and go home to lie in bed. But its okay.
I will still get up the next day and do my best to get through things.

I have days where I have a huge list of things to do, none of which involve me, its all stuff for other people. But I won't get any of it done, I'll just sit there mindlessley on my laptop and scroll through stupid shit on facebook. Then I might distract myself by going to eat food.
These are the con's of working for yourself. You get lazy.

BUT - The pro's? I have individuality. I can do whatever the f*** I want basically.
I don't know why I stared fuck. Lol. I swear all the time I'm so sorry... potty mouth :/ Actually I'm not even sorry lol.

So yes, my kind of weird controlling stubborn lazy nature is a fantastic mix considering I can't motivate myself to ever comprehend study or following something through without getting distracted or falling asleep. Brilliant. BUT

I'm actually getting a lot of things done lately.
#1 I finished my eBOOK which I thought I'd never do, and it will be purchasable VERY soon I cannot wait to share with you all the things I've been up to! Big props to Eduardo from Pimpmysite.co.nz for kindly helping me!!

I've had a few days of REALLY.. I mean really relaxed eating. Like, I haven't thought twice and I just eat. LOL. It has ended up in maybe two days where I've just eaten and eaten and eaten.. a little mindlessly. By mindlessly I mean, I go numb, I think of nothing but about the next thing I'm going to put in my mouth.. It turns into some sort of ritual for me. It's addicting, numbing and mindlessly amazing... like, it's actually amazing. I find myself spiralling down to no return. I just want to stay there forever. Me, the food, and forever. Nothing else.

Food can do this to me. It has a blanket over me, it will suffocate me if I let it.
It gets in the way of a lot of things. My socializing. Me going do to anything. Me working. Me productivley functioning. There are even times when I'd put food in before a relationship. Food is everything, food is god lol.

But, I don't want to live like this forever, abusing myself with it. I want to appreciate it. And I'm slowly learning to appreciate it through becoming vegan. I haven't been eating many greens lately... I've been eating chickpea cookie dough like 5 meals a day lol which I think defeats the purpose of 'vegan' but I will get a system in place where I enjoy greens... eventually.

I had a megaaaa cheat on Sat tho, I had not been eating very well during the day... It's my day off being 'vegan' so i ate a few quest bars, I had peanut butter on rice cakes... alot of honey. And yeah then I ended up getting a huge burger for tea, two packs of hot chips and loads of sweets (choc liqqooorice lol) So yea - safe to say I had a huge fat day the next day. I woke up with a mega food hangover, so unmotivated to move. WHY do I do this? I didn't let it get to me a lot and I went for a run in the avo after going to the markets with Josh. I'm glad I got up and did something with myself instead of sitting in my own self pity.

I skipped cardio this morning... I was exhausted so I went home and had a sleep, struggled to wake up and get up tho!! Sometimes I feel I could lie in bed forever and sleep, maybe I'm low in iron... or maybe, I'm just plain lazy lol.

Need to make a new supp order today or tomorrow so this should help pick me up and get me going again.

ANYWHO.
Going to go for a run tonight, I'm enjoying cardio and hating weights so I'll just go with it until it changes again I spose lol. No real 'drive' atm except losing a bit of bodyfat and keeping healthy.

X Sam