Letting go.

This morning started off really well. I had a smoothie for breakfast, and went to the gym for the first time in 2 weeks - I did a 15 min sprint session and 15 mins of kettlebell work and deadlifts. Short and sweet and not very intense, just needed to get my body moving again. Was really glad I did it to be honest :)

Then I got home, And I was asked this question;
"do you think anorexia is to much of your life?"

Yes.
Yes it is. And, I will soley put my hand up here and be accountable to this.
I don't know what it's like to not have it. Every single decision I make is based on it. Every single day I have it in the back on my head, and it's stopped me from making a lot of choices in the past.
It's like I dont know whats it like to not know how to draw... I dont know what its like to live life without an Eating Disorder. Every single second of my day ends up being defined by it.
And, fuck me. It's exhausting.

Don't get me wrong - I've made HUGE progress from where I have started from, and I'm hella proud of that. But I seem to have this empty feeling of unsatisfaction - an empty void which should be filled with passion and love. But.. My hearts not happy with something, and I'm unsure what.. I don't even know where to start! But I know because it's due to my eating disorder leading me down this road. I'm not saying I have ED NOW - but, all the decisions in my past have led me to be here - I'm meant ot be here for some ungodly reason which I don't know the answer too and it's driving me INSANE.

I'm lying in bed with Charlie. It's raining outside and I've been crying for the past hour, because it all hit me like a wave. A wave of self realisation, and exhaustion. It's exhausting, being on edge 24/7 about how you look, what you eat, how you train, how you feel when you train, what other people are thinking - constantly in the OUTER instead of my own NOW.

Josh mentioned to me that I don't have much else in my life atm apart from training, food, how I look, etc - I surround myself to it on the daily, and yes, I will hold my hand up there and say I'm accountable to that. I value what he has to say SO much.. he says he can't RELATE to what I've been through, but he can see what Im doing to myself and he's right. So I'm thankful for his recognition of this.

I don't do anything else apart from those things. I get scared of doing something non-fitness related, because it's been my life for 10 years.
EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I haven't gone a Christmas since I was ill without worrying about consuming too much food.
During the CHCH earthquakes I had hyper-anxiety and panic attacks because I couldnt get to the gym because I thought I would get fat. So here's me, trying to run around broken streets, crying, because I was out of my normal routine.
I don't remember the last time I went to a social party without getting social anxeity and wanting to go home, because I worry about what people are thinking about the way my legs look and all I can think about is food.
I cant remember the last time I trained out of physical/emotional satisfaction - EVERY SINGLE TIME I train, is because I am SO fixated on the way I look and wanting to be thinner, thinner, thinner, thinner. I haven't even realised until now. And it made me upset, scared and I felt a little vulnerable.
I don't remember the last time I went out for dinner - and didn't have anxiety because I couldnt eat in secret and I couldn't order 1 of everything off the menu and binge. I can't binge in public, it's a secret of mine that I have to keep.
I have lived like this pretty much every day ever since. Hollllly fucktard.


BUT - I am glad I have caught this now.
There is NO WAY in hell I'd ever go back down the road with Anorexia. I HAVE far too much on the line, and I truly trust myself that one day, I will be free of this. I will be free of comparing myself to others, I will be free of jealousy. I will be free of anxiety around what I eat and what its done to my body. I will, be free. I WANT to be free. I want to run around naked in a fucking gypsy community and just love thyself.


The way I have been living? Lies? Lying to MYSELF? Pretending?
This is NOT a way to live life.

It's draining. It's drained my soul, my heart and it's confused the fuck out of me. I'm so far gone from myself some days because the monkey has unconciously directed a lot of my decisions, that I struggle to find what I TRULY want. What makes me happy? I don't fucking know! I honestly don't know. I don't remember the last time (except for when I was off my face on drugs) that I haven't had it in the back of my head.
It's my own fault I know that, I concisouly chose to do it because I thought I'd be strong enough. But once again I was convincing myself something that was totally irrelevant.
I feel scared of letting it go. Because, I don't know what I'd replace it with. It's all I know, it's how I've learnt to live my life because I don't remember my life before Anorexia... that makes me sad, and scared.

I'm in bed. I'm in a blanket. I'm safe. It's raining. I feel better for writing.


Please, to those who know and love me, trust that I'm okay :)
I'm smiling now, and I know there will be better tomorrows.

Thankyou for reading

I also want to thank personally, my partner Josh, Claire, Claire Eder and Tiare - you girls are and (guy) are the only ones that I converse with this stuff closely about, and I'm thankful for you CONSTANT love and support.
I have come so far from the person I was, but I am not free, not just yet.
Also a huge thankyou to all the ladies who are following and supporting the FITMISS NZ page.. on days like this, YOU are what inspire you. YOU hold me together. YOU are the reason I strive to change the way the fitness industry makes me feel. I may get my head in the clouds some days, and forget... but it is YOU that I want to make a revolution for. I'm sick of the suffering, the pain and I sure as hell don't want any of you ever feeling like this.

X Smurph.

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