I can't help but wonder.

I'm lying in bed. It's 10pm and I just have so much running through my head. So much, that it is almost exhausting. So I decided to write.

I can't help but wonder, what it would be like - to live life without Anorexia. I know, that due to this illness I have a habit of comparing myself to others. Always have, but I want to change. I do it subconciously- it's Anna that makes me do it. She tells me every second of everyday I'm not good enough, and not matter how many people tell me how good I am I will never EVER believe them, for I have been convinced by this monkey that I am not worth enough myself.

I look at everyone else... and I often wonder... what is it like, to not have an eating disorder?
What is it like to have a normal relationship with food?
What is it like, to be able to compete, and be successful and maintain a low body fat without being controled by an eating disorder?

What. Is. It. Like.

I wonder.

But, as much as I RESENT my struggle - I have learnt to accept - that this is who I am. This is how I function. I cant eat a meal normally without stressing or obsessing over something, leading into a tagent picking fest of binge. I've been hiding it for YEARS now and I used competing as an excuse to mask the eating disorder. "Oh, I'm this lean because I'm competing. I'm restricing my food because I'm competing."
That evil, deceitful thing.

And it's hard, because I reached a physical peak I loved, but it wasn't good enough for some reason.
Anna had really pulled me under.

When I say, Anna. I mean the name that Anorexia is sometimes given. I talk as she is a part of me that sits on my shoulder some days, and I STILL battle with it. Not to the extent - Like, I'm not sick. I'm a perfectly healthy weight, just with a perfectly imperfect relationship with food.
But who is perfect, honestly.

I don't even know what I'm rambling on about half the time.
I just honestly just look at all these people at the Arnolds atm.. and I can't help but wonder, what is it like - honestly, what is it like to be able to do that?

My ED has held me back for 8 years.
8 years of lying.
8 years of decisions made by ANNA not by me.
8 years of not knowing what truly makes me happy.
8 years of not being happy.


I'm tired.


Sleep time.
I haven't binged tonight, so that's a win. :)


Sam x