Luckily we are not affected, hope everyones okay tho! :( That would really suckkkk to get errrthang wet.
So, todays been another successful day a la food wise. Didn't train tho... which I do feel a lil guilty tho :/ My goal was to just do cardio and I haven't managed to get up to do that...
No calorie counting, no number crunching and just learning to make WISER choices with my food instead of being so darn controlling and strict and driving myself INSANE.
Breakfast 8am;Almond, Banana, Berry & Cacao Smoothie (sooo good)
Snack 11am; 1/2c seed mix & salted chickpeas
Snacked again atttt 2:30pm; White Chocolate Raspberry Questbar
3pm; 3 plums & a few cashews
6pm; Vegetarian Satay w Low-carb noodles & butternut pumpkin.
So, a LOT less that I am used to eating... but to be honest I'm just not that hungry! But at least I made better choices today so Im happy with that! Slowly making the transition into being a vegan (goodbye questbars lol wahhhh) so I think it will be good for my body! :) I'm enjoying plant based foods WAY more than meat, it feels so much more refreshing to eat!
I had a good chat with my dad the other day. (Hey dad, if you are reading this)
And it's probably the first time in 8 years I've opened up to him, and been honest.
Basically, to sum it up - I have recognised I've been battling with Anorexia even AFTER I have recovered to a healthy weight.
The past 8 years have been me trying to control everything to such an extent, because I fear if I don't devote as much time and energy into my fitness and food, I will blow out - and that's just unacceptable (says the monkey). Hence I have lost jobs, I quit on people, I am a horrible person and SELFISH because I want to be immersed in Anorexia - because it makes me feel like I will look good. But, I get thrown in the gutter everytime.
So, I panick, and I try so ridicolousy hard to control my food intake and control my training, and it just hasnt been working. I'm not happy. Duh, who would be happy controlling themselves out of there minds? The more you control food, the more it will control you!!!
It's hard because I'm in the fitness industry... which, to be quite frank - I started to want to get into the fitness industry because of Anorexia. As an excuse. A mask. To cover it up. To get lean without people knowing I was sick inside.
I'm surrounded day to day with people that are in AMAZING shape, and I'm not at the moment. I'm not saying I've 'let myself go' but in comparison to those who 'my monkey' tells me I should be like, I am no where NEAR that because I can't get my food under control, let alone find any passion for training.
It's an endless, vicious cycle that I can't ever seem to win.
The times that I was in amazing shape would have been around 2010 where I was running at least 10-12kms a day, exercising 3 hours or more a day and living off seeds and crackers. I would skip school assembly just to go for a run. I would exercise at morning tea when all my school friends were eating morning tea. Stuff food man, I can burn at least 300 calories in 20 mins.
BURN BURN BURN you fat shit. (this is what would go through my head)
Yeah, I don't know how I managed to pull that off.
Even now,
I subconciously check myself, grabbing at parts of my body that I despise and want to get rid of.
I subconciously look in every friggen mirror damn near possible. And it's never satisfying to see what I see.
These are all traits of Anorexia, and I have carried these habits on with me to what I do day to day now. And I've only just realised.
Thank fuck for that!
SO I'm going to head to the docs for a checkup and chat to my doctor, who diagnosed me with Anorexia because he knows my background.
Sometimes, I think my god. You guys must honestly think I'm mental. One day I'm up and the next I'm down - I know those close to me have trouble knowing waht to expect with me, a few days ago I thought I was bipolar (good old google self diagnosis lol) ... I'm just SO up and down and I never know what my own mood is going to be like. It gets so confusing some days and hence I get hyper anxiety around people because I change my mood in a matter of 5 seconds!!!
And for the mere fact I change my bloody story and direction every second day, but it's just because - I don't know WHO I am.
I'm on a mission to find out who "sam murphy" is.
I honestly don't know. If somebody told me to set a goal at the moment, I couldn't do it. Because I don't know what SAM MURPHY wants. She's so far gone and has been so immersed in this stupid eating disorder that she's a little, a LOT, lost.
I see all these people online making goals and going hard and smashing them... and I've never done that. I'm a create of habit, a spontaneous person, with no real 'set plan'.. I just go with the wind. Im a free spirit. It's just me. BUT I need goals, to strive forward, for something bigger.
SO, I need to find who 'me' is. I'm going to sleep on it, and define what I am and who I want to continue to be and grow.
It's confusing, saying "I don't know who I am"... I'm a little embarrassed to say it... but I really don't know. I've expended SO much energy into my eating disorder, my body image and all over the years - I'm defined by THAT. And I'm over it.
I don't want it anymore. That's not how you fucking live.
Anyway.
Seeyaaaaaaaaa lol
XOXO
Smurph.
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