I must keep telling myself this.
Over the past couple of weeks, I have been stationary - hence I have not posted a blog entry in a while because my head has honestly been all over the place! I've posted a bit on facebook.
I've grown to hate the gym - because it turns into a completely negative experience for me.
It turns into a time where I would rip myself apart - a time where negative self talk would consume me, I'd compare myself to every girl in the gym - compare their legs to mine. If they were better than mine, I'd automatically hate them. If they were bigger than me, I'd think I was winning.
My stupid, fucking ego. I have removed myself from the gym scene until I work on healing my heart and soul and becoming the person I KNOW I am, not someone who is still controlled by anorexia.
Everyday at the moment is a battle - Every decision for the last 8 years has been made for Anorexia. What I wear, look too fat in clothes I like? Can't wear them. Make me look fat whilst running? Can't wear that either. Only thing that makes me look skinny? Baggy clothes. It tells me I must hide my body because it's too embarrasing to show in public. I can't wear singlets, because my arms are too big, according to it. I must wear loose tshirts only now. I can't wear shorts, no thats a big nono for Anorexia.
I've been controlled by this for as long as I can remember, and it robs me of life. It robs me of happiness. I'm over it. Hence I've seeked help, and am on a waiting list - but tahts what I'm doing, waiting. Impatientlly battling everyday.
People say, "Look at the beautiful person you are on the inside though!"
Ohhh god I WISH I could believe that when I tell myself it. But my exterior, my body image controls every aspect of my day. It's tiring. Exhausting. Mentally draining. I'm tired everyday.
Exercise is meant to better you, not be a torture session. I went for a walk around the park yesterday and the voice in my head was just yelling at me to push my legs harder to the concrete to burn more fat. I must have been walking like an idiot, but I didn't think anything of it until after when I saw a girl a bit larger than me out running, and I'm like why the fuck can't I just do that? Wear those clothes and be okay? Instead I make everything SUUUUCH a big deal for myself.
Foodwise I've been good - I've been following a vegan diet but I have been going haywire with nuts, seeds and dried fruit - hence unwanted weight gain which has led me to become a little depressed because I can't shift it with my hormones and my horrible exercise experience atm.
I figured, dude, there MUST be a way around it.
And finally a light shone.
Go and try yoga. You've had like 10 ppl tell you how amazing it is but you keep putting it off because of your stupid anxiety.
SO, I did a 90 min HOT yoga session for my first go and duuuude I died! I am really excited about bettering myself here because I felt calm and not judged like I do at the gym.
Still unwanted weight gain is driving me INSANE. My boobs are huge and swolen due to my mini pill.. usually it doesnt make me gain weight but this time round its just gone wooooahhh dude.
Might look into a Mirena, I just dont have 300 bucks to fish out for that shit ! :(
It's annoying, because I wanna lose a little weight NOT because of Anorexia, but to be HAPPY and HEALTHY and FIT an be able to WEAR the clothes I love, feel confident and be able to run around the park without chaffing! But it's that constant battle between what I REALLY want and what Anna wants.
I'm in a much more placid place tho - no anxiety over eating and no binges - but I'm still not happy with how I look :/
Murphy out x
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