Sometimes, yeah, sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder why the fuck I am even writing this blog.

It's hard, because NOT EVERYONE is going to agree with what I'm saying - I'm totally aware with this.
A lot of what I say goes 100 ten fold against the 'fitness industry' - only because I have such strong 'dislike' to the part of it that is image based - and I am affected pretty heavily by this. Because Anorexia pressures me to meet a standard to be successful, right now, I'm no where NEAR that so everytime I look in the mirror I feel failure.

There are positives of the industry, don't get me wrong. But I'm sick of it being an 'industry' to me - a job. I feel like I have to prove something to be successful. I just wanna be fucking happy, fit and happy with my body. I want the old Sam who would just enjoy going for runs on the beach and spending a summer in her bikini. Not the Sam who locks herself in her room because she's too ashamed to hang out with friends or go out in public because of how she looks - It robs you of life, body dysmorphia. I would never wish this apon anybody.

A bit of stigma heeled over about my last blog post - I'm not apologizing for it, because its how I feel. I'm also aware I could have worded it a lot better - but I was furious and full of hatred and sadness apon the time of writing it. Not at those I love, but at myself. Because YES, I GET IN THESE SITUATIONS MY SELF. I'm not laying BLAME on the industry - it is what it is, and it's a really positive thing for some people - but the people that CAN compete all the time and be in amazing shape, I get jealous - Anorexia gets jealous. It will hang me up to dry and laugh at me saying I could never be that because I would have to give up food and I'd get sick again. Which I KNOW is not true, but that's how it makes me feel. Every day becomes a living hell the more I try to 'control' food - so I've let go. Even if I TRY eat 6 meals a day of clean food, I still feel I'm hanging on thin ice - it's exhausting knowing I could slip anytime. That's why this blog can be FULL of shit stuff, because when I'm angry or sad - I will write. I write when I'm confused. Hence these blogs probably make no fucking sense half of the time. It's my anti depressant. I don't stop to write about the happy things, because I just spend the moment with the happy things instead of documenting ever second of my life.

I feel stuck. Because - the closest people to me are in the fitness industry, and live this lifestyle - and I love to support them, yet I also have to have myself somewhat included in it to keep the part of Anorexia calm that I'll never lose. I have to be in shape - or working towards some sort of shape for some weird reason otherwise I'll drive into depression and probably never EVER go outside in embarrasment, that's what Anna says to me and makes me do - I've been there the many times I've neglected 'controlling' my food and controlling my exercise and it's scary, because I lose control completely and go into an all down right binge fest.

I share the shit times so somebody out there doesn't feel alone.
I'm accountable for what I have on my facebook news feed, and how it makes me feel. I liked all the pages to make me feel bad.. because the Anorexic part of my brain thrives off that, it thrives off 'thinspo' and makes me want to be the tiniest person in Christchurch. NO. IM NOT GIVING IN.
I invested SO much time on there because I grew my business on there and now I'm trapped... I don't know what its like to socialize normally because I get social anxiety, even around my closest friends I cant help but get on my phone and scroll thru facebook to avoid conversation because I'm too embarrased to say anything. It's a life robbing feeling and I'm stuck. honestly stuck. This illness, it robs me of my friends. It robs me of happiness, and being trusted by those you love.

If there's somebody out there that feels like this... please speak out. I feel fucking lonely man, I see all these people and their athlete pages making it such a positive thing "Eat clean Train Dirty" etc and I just honestly wish it was easier for me to do this! NO I'm not being a pussy here and saying "Ohhh i wish I could do that wah wah wah wah" - I truly DO want to lead that kind of healthy lifestyle, I juts have to accept, it's not for me right now- and it's hard, because I then feel the pressure cos 'everyone else is doing it' NOT saying it is easy, because its fucking not - it takes discipline. I can do the discipline part, its the mental torture I cannot put up with. I'm a sensitive, passionate person - so I get passionately sensitive about the wrong things.

I seek inner peace. I seek a sanctuary where I can be free from this.
I CANT just drop this fitness lifestyle to please others and get out of there life. I do it because there ARE parts that I love, but at the moment I AM WEAK and I need help - I am aware of this. And being on a waiting list for help doesn't help ether... because each day drags out.

I get upset because I feel those closest to me really don't understand - I kinda do wish they could swap heads with me for a day, so I could feel normal - because that's my dream.. to feel 'normal' - balanced.

I had a binge on quest bars yesterday because I got so upset about this all - lose lose. But I let it go, had a healthy dinner and slept well - woke up this morning and did a hot yoga class and had a fruit smoothie for breakfast. A new day today, so breathe Sam. Let it GO.

I am aware I've pushed myself maybe into the industry where I shouldn't be, and I'm working on change.
I'm working on finding my happy spot - my happy spot is hollistic health, vegan lifestyle and yoga.
These are things that have made me feel calm and peacefull - a person I want to be.
Not someone chasing shiny lights on a stage - I can't handle it. I take my hat off to those who do it and I will support you 110% ... as much as I would KILL to get on stage again, I know its my Anorexia looking for another excuse to budge in and push me to get lean because I feel I'll be 'accepted' again amongst everyone.

I don't even know.
I'm literally just spewing out shit from my brain as I speak... even though this blog has a very 'negative' tone - I am also very happy. I know what I need to focus on to be me, I just needed to get this off my chest.
Cooking, Creating, Yoga and Mindfullness. <3

Love to you all - please don't worry about me if you are ready this either - I know you care but please trust I AM OK. I like to write. I like to have an opinion, I just need space. To find 'me' again.