I've been having SOOOOOOO much go thru my head lately, and just have not known how to voice it all lol. I've been talking to Josh heaps and basically out loud diarying to him lol poor boy, but it's helped heaps!!
Basically, I'm impatient.
I forget, that this process takes TIME, patience, perseverance, dedication, and all that crap.. And I sit here thinking welllll why can't I just have slim legs NOW?!?!?!?! AHhh, no murphy. WAIT. WORK HARD. EAT WELL.
SO thats what I've been doing.
I've been listening to my body a bit more, feel like training? Train
Don't feel like training? Rest
Hungry? Eat
Feel like that? Eat that
More intuitive I spose, and I feel semi human lol it's great, I have my moments but I am slowly becoming more confident with my body again and it feels great.
I've been abit lost, goals wise. YES, I want to be insanely shredded, but at what cost. I dont know if I wanna comepte again... I'd love to, maybe just not yet. Comps aren't going to go anywhere and I think a bit of time off to rebuild a better relationship with food would be more beneficial for my long term sanity.
On another note, I've decided to go vegan. I don't know how long for, I'm just slowly chipping away at the no meat thing and increasing my vege intake. I'm feeling a lot better after just 1 day. I goooootta be careful tho I don't use it as an excuse to go all out on peanut butter and ricecakes lol!!!!
I'm gonna be vegan 6/7 days a week, the 1 day I'm not is my treat meal so If I want a burger, I'll damn well have a burger lol!!!
But yeah, I spose itsjust about finding that happy 'balance' ... dear lord, who knew it'd be so hard! I'm getting stronger everday tho and I EVEN WORE SHORTS TO THE GYM!!!! This probably sounds so stupid, but if I'm honest with you I despise my legs a lil and am super embarrased to show my meat thighs in public.. I'm so used to having lean runners legs and i wish I still had them, so my brain hasn't caught up to the fact I'm not there anymore.
SO, yeah I wore shorts. I got out of my comfort zone and just forced myself to get over it, man it was hard. I literally spent 10 mins sitting in the changing room debating how to go about it. AND I EVEN RAN on the tredmill, legs jiggling and all!!! I don't think I'll do it too often tho lol but it was good to do it finally!! I used to always train in shorts and not care, but now I get so caught up on what others think and that I have to set a 'standard' ... I'm a perfectionist, and I damn well wanna be the best person in the gym. I don't know why, I just always have this burning desire. It's stupid I know, nobody cares... but some days, I do. I'm a human and I'm a loser sometimes too ya know hahahaha.
BLLLLLAAAAAAA
Anyway, yeah, I've been chippin away with positivity!
Lying here w Charlie having a nap! Eating some chickpeas nom nom nom :)
Much love
XO Smurphy.
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| 4 weeks diff, bottom pics were taken today. |
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