The past few days have brung apon a massive shift in energy for me - not only from my ego, but to my soul... wait... more like from my ego TO my soul.
I've let go of SO much. The simple things that were dragging me down - like my constant need to compare myself to others, and the attachment of my self worth to my image. My constant emotional need to be numbed by food. My procrastination that is led on by the thought of food. The fear of going out in public because of how I look.. Have slowly softened their intensity in my life.
I cannot explain how amazing this sense of freedom is. But what I can explain to you, is how I have done it - what mental processes run through my brain. I'm not completely cured, but I'm in a far better space than I was yesterday. I now don't fear food. I haven't binged or felt inclined to binge, and I havent felt depressed or lost.. getting to the point where you just ball into tears about absolutely nothing.
Many girls who read my blog suffer immensely in the struggles I do. That's why I write it. So you KNOW you aren't alone.. BUT - this does not mean we can live like this forever. It's exhausting, time wasting and sometimes you wonder why you make your life this stressful.
There is no real CURE for disordered eating, eating disorders, body dysmorphia.. but there are ways you can totally manage it better and learn to put in place more positive habits to help you keep moving forward. I had in my head for so long writing this blog that I could magically 'cure' myself, instead I only really drove myself deeper and deeper into it and really had no idea what I was doing - I'm not ashamed of saying that, because we ALL do it to a point.
I still, and am aware still I will have days that are off point - days where I do have a few bad habits that creep in, but I can only learn through myself and the support network I have generated that sticks by me despite my struggles - that can take their toll and energy on relationships around me, so I'm forever grateful for those who stick by me even when I'm a selfish, not nice person to be around. I don't realise it at the time - it's almost like how 'love is blind' ... 'illness is blind' too.
SO - things that have helped me.
1. Be still.
Our minds are SUCH busy things - and a busy mind means to not-so-mindful thinking - so bad thoughts can easily creep in! I have taken the time by both mediating, yoga and just 'breathing techniques' to calm my anxiety. And just listen to the noise in my head. What is dominating? 9/10 it was food or body image related, so I have made a concious effort to push these to the back of my head. I literally sit there there imagining myself pushing a big blub of bad thought out to the back of a giant space in my head, and it seems to work.
SO - find a system that works for you. Maybe you like to pray, maybe you like to sing, dance - whatever your 'release' is - do it. Maybe it's just walking to the park and lying on the grass and falling into a daze. Go and be still.
2. Do something you have never done before.
Yoga was mine, and I found it and fell in love with it. Go and do something you have literally NEVER done before. Something to exercise the mind - it will take up the space and I guarantee it will be something that calls to you and makes you fall in love. If not, go try something else. There's an abundance of things waiting for you.
3. Forgiveness, and believe it.
If you slip up - binge again, eat bad. Forgive yourself - and actually BELIEVE what you are saying to yourself. Empathise to yourself, give yourself a hug. It's OKAY.
Too often we pull the whip on ourselves, it's like personal slavery. Its horrible.
It's like we pull ourself into our own wee prison - and sentence ourselves until we finally break out of jail. Then even THEN we still feel a sense of guilt.
Forgive yourself, realise what is done is done and you can only try harder next time.
4. More fruits and more vegetables.
Eating a raw lifestyle has allowed me to curb many cravings - eg peanut butter and ricecakes. I don't even want any! I just want lots of veges, lots of greens and big salads and fruit bowls! I love eating from the earth and my body and mind is thanking me in MANY ways.
Binge eating, depression, anxiety are all really sensitive parts of ourselves, so they need to be treated with care.
These are all simple things I've been working on, not to mention being grateful, and actually BELIEVING I am grateful instead of taking THAT for granted.
Enter your day smiling and with a calm mind - and I guarantee you'll be able to handle things much easier!
Anyways, I'm sleepy so I'll talk again later.
X Sam.
Monday, 31 March 2014
Thursday, 27 March 2014
Sometimes, yeah, sometimes.
Sometimes I wonder why the fuck I am even writing this blog.
It's hard, because NOT EVERYONE is going to agree with what I'm saying - I'm totally aware with this.
A lot of what I say goes 100 ten fold against the 'fitness industry' - only because I have such strong 'dislike' to the part of it that is image based - and I am affected pretty heavily by this. Because Anorexia pressures me to meet a standard to be successful, right now, I'm no where NEAR that so everytime I look in the mirror I feel failure.
There are positives of the industry, don't get me wrong. But I'm sick of it being an 'industry' to me - a job. I feel like I have to prove something to be successful. I just wanna be fucking happy, fit and happy with my body. I want the old Sam who would just enjoy going for runs on the beach and spending a summer in her bikini. Not the Sam who locks herself in her room because she's too ashamed to hang out with friends or go out in public because of how she looks - It robs you of life, body dysmorphia. I would never wish this apon anybody.
A bit of stigma heeled over about my last blog post - I'm not apologizing for it, because its how I feel. I'm also aware I could have worded it a lot better - but I was furious and full of hatred and sadness apon the time of writing it. Not at those I love, but at myself. Because YES, I GET IN THESE SITUATIONS MY SELF. I'm not laying BLAME on the industry - it is what it is, and it's a really positive thing for some people - but the people that CAN compete all the time and be in amazing shape, I get jealous - Anorexia gets jealous. It will hang me up to dry and laugh at me saying I could never be that because I would have to give up food and I'd get sick again. Which I KNOW is not true, but that's how it makes me feel. Every day becomes a living hell the more I try to 'control' food - so I've let go. Even if I TRY eat 6 meals a day of clean food, I still feel I'm hanging on thin ice - it's exhausting knowing I could slip anytime. That's why this blog can be FULL of shit stuff, because when I'm angry or sad - I will write. I write when I'm confused. Hence these blogs probably make no fucking sense half of the time. It's my anti depressant. I don't stop to write about the happy things, because I just spend the moment with the happy things instead of documenting ever second of my life.
I feel stuck. Because - the closest people to me are in the fitness industry, and live this lifestyle - and I love to support them, yet I also have to have myself somewhat included in it to keep the part of Anorexia calm that I'll never lose. I have to be in shape - or working towards some sort of shape for some weird reason otherwise I'll drive into depression and probably never EVER go outside in embarrasment, that's what Anna says to me and makes me do - I've been there the many times I've neglected 'controlling' my food and controlling my exercise and it's scary, because I lose control completely and go into an all down right binge fest.
I share the shit times so somebody out there doesn't feel alone.
I'm accountable for what I have on my facebook news feed, and how it makes me feel. I liked all the pages to make me feel bad.. because the Anorexic part of my brain thrives off that, it thrives off 'thinspo' and makes me want to be the tiniest person in Christchurch. NO. IM NOT GIVING IN.
I invested SO much time on there because I grew my business on there and now I'm trapped... I don't know what its like to socialize normally because I get social anxiety, even around my closest friends I cant help but get on my phone and scroll thru facebook to avoid conversation because I'm too embarrased to say anything. It's a life robbing feeling and I'm stuck. honestly stuck. This illness, it robs me of my friends. It robs me of happiness, and being trusted by those you love.
If there's somebody out there that feels like this... please speak out. I feel fucking lonely man, I see all these people and their athlete pages making it such a positive thing "Eat clean Train Dirty" etc and I just honestly wish it was easier for me to do this! NO I'm not being a pussy here and saying "Ohhh i wish I could do that wah wah wah wah" - I truly DO want to lead that kind of healthy lifestyle, I juts have to accept, it's not for me right now- and it's hard, because I then feel the pressure cos 'everyone else is doing it' NOT saying it is easy, because its fucking not - it takes discipline. I can do the discipline part, its the mental torture I cannot put up with. I'm a sensitive, passionate person - so I get passionately sensitive about the wrong things.
I seek inner peace. I seek a sanctuary where I can be free from this.
I CANT just drop this fitness lifestyle to please others and get out of there life. I do it because there ARE parts that I love, but at the moment I AM WEAK and I need help - I am aware of this. And being on a waiting list for help doesn't help ether... because each day drags out.
I get upset because I feel those closest to me really don't understand - I kinda do wish they could swap heads with me for a day, so I could feel normal - because that's my dream.. to feel 'normal' - balanced.
I had a binge on quest bars yesterday because I got so upset about this all - lose lose. But I let it go, had a healthy dinner and slept well - woke up this morning and did a hot yoga class and had a fruit smoothie for breakfast. A new day today, so breathe Sam. Let it GO.
I am aware I've pushed myself maybe into the industry where I shouldn't be, and I'm working on change.
I'm working on finding my happy spot - my happy spot is hollistic health, vegan lifestyle and yoga.
These are things that have made me feel calm and peacefull - a person I want to be.
Not someone chasing shiny lights on a stage - I can't handle it. I take my hat off to those who do it and I will support you 110% ... as much as I would KILL to get on stage again, I know its my Anorexia looking for another excuse to budge in and push me to get lean because I feel I'll be 'accepted' again amongst everyone.
I don't even know.
I'm literally just spewing out shit from my brain as I speak... even though this blog has a very 'negative' tone - I am also very happy. I know what I need to focus on to be me, I just needed to get this off my chest.
Cooking, Creating, Yoga and Mindfullness. <3
Love to you all - please don't worry about me if you are ready this either - I know you care but please trust I AM OK. I like to write. I like to have an opinion, I just need space. To find 'me' again.
It's hard, because NOT EVERYONE is going to agree with what I'm saying - I'm totally aware with this.
A lot of what I say goes 100 ten fold against the 'fitness industry' - only because I have such strong 'dislike' to the part of it that is image based - and I am affected pretty heavily by this. Because Anorexia pressures me to meet a standard to be successful, right now, I'm no where NEAR that so everytime I look in the mirror I feel failure.
There are positives of the industry, don't get me wrong. But I'm sick of it being an 'industry' to me - a job. I feel like I have to prove something to be successful. I just wanna be fucking happy, fit and happy with my body. I want the old Sam who would just enjoy going for runs on the beach and spending a summer in her bikini. Not the Sam who locks herself in her room because she's too ashamed to hang out with friends or go out in public because of how she looks - It robs you of life, body dysmorphia. I would never wish this apon anybody.
A bit of stigma heeled over about my last blog post - I'm not apologizing for it, because its how I feel. I'm also aware I could have worded it a lot better - but I was furious and full of hatred and sadness apon the time of writing it. Not at those I love, but at myself. Because YES, I GET IN THESE SITUATIONS MY SELF. I'm not laying BLAME on the industry - it is what it is, and it's a really positive thing for some people - but the people that CAN compete all the time and be in amazing shape, I get jealous - Anorexia gets jealous. It will hang me up to dry and laugh at me saying I could never be that because I would have to give up food and I'd get sick again. Which I KNOW is not true, but that's how it makes me feel. Every day becomes a living hell the more I try to 'control' food - so I've let go. Even if I TRY eat 6 meals a day of clean food, I still feel I'm hanging on thin ice - it's exhausting knowing I could slip anytime. That's why this blog can be FULL of shit stuff, because when I'm angry or sad - I will write. I write when I'm confused. Hence these blogs probably make no fucking sense half of the time. It's my anti depressant. I don't stop to write about the happy things, because I just spend the moment with the happy things instead of documenting ever second of my life.
I feel stuck. Because - the closest people to me are in the fitness industry, and live this lifestyle - and I love to support them, yet I also have to have myself somewhat included in it to keep the part of Anorexia calm that I'll never lose. I have to be in shape - or working towards some sort of shape for some weird reason otherwise I'll drive into depression and probably never EVER go outside in embarrasment, that's what Anna says to me and makes me do - I've been there the many times I've neglected 'controlling' my food and controlling my exercise and it's scary, because I lose control completely and go into an all down right binge fest.
I share the shit times so somebody out there doesn't feel alone.
I'm accountable for what I have on my facebook news feed, and how it makes me feel. I liked all the pages to make me feel bad.. because the Anorexic part of my brain thrives off that, it thrives off 'thinspo' and makes me want to be the tiniest person in Christchurch. NO. IM NOT GIVING IN.
I invested SO much time on there because I grew my business on there and now I'm trapped... I don't know what its like to socialize normally because I get social anxiety, even around my closest friends I cant help but get on my phone and scroll thru facebook to avoid conversation because I'm too embarrased to say anything. It's a life robbing feeling and I'm stuck. honestly stuck. This illness, it robs me of my friends. It robs me of happiness, and being trusted by those you love.
If there's somebody out there that feels like this... please speak out. I feel fucking lonely man, I see all these people and their athlete pages making it such a positive thing "Eat clean Train Dirty" etc and I just honestly wish it was easier for me to do this! NO I'm not being a pussy here and saying "Ohhh i wish I could do that wah wah wah wah" - I truly DO want to lead that kind of healthy lifestyle, I juts have to accept, it's not for me right now- and it's hard, because I then feel the pressure cos 'everyone else is doing it' NOT saying it is easy, because its fucking not - it takes discipline. I can do the discipline part, its the mental torture I cannot put up with. I'm a sensitive, passionate person - so I get passionately sensitive about the wrong things.
I seek inner peace. I seek a sanctuary where I can be free from this.
I CANT just drop this fitness lifestyle to please others and get out of there life. I do it because there ARE parts that I love, but at the moment I AM WEAK and I need help - I am aware of this. And being on a waiting list for help doesn't help ether... because each day drags out.
I get upset because I feel those closest to me really don't understand - I kinda do wish they could swap heads with me for a day, so I could feel normal - because that's my dream.. to feel 'normal' - balanced.
I had a binge on quest bars yesterday because I got so upset about this all - lose lose. But I let it go, had a healthy dinner and slept well - woke up this morning and did a hot yoga class and had a fruit smoothie for breakfast. A new day today, so breathe Sam. Let it GO.
I am aware I've pushed myself maybe into the industry where I shouldn't be, and I'm working on change.
I'm working on finding my happy spot - my happy spot is hollistic health, vegan lifestyle and yoga.
These are things that have made me feel calm and peacefull - a person I want to be.
Not someone chasing shiny lights on a stage - I can't handle it. I take my hat off to those who do it and I will support you 110% ... as much as I would KILL to get on stage again, I know its my Anorexia looking for another excuse to budge in and push me to get lean because I feel I'll be 'accepted' again amongst everyone.
I don't even know.
I'm literally just spewing out shit from my brain as I speak... even though this blog has a very 'negative' tone - I am also very happy. I know what I need to focus on to be me, I just needed to get this off my chest.
Cooking, Creating, Yoga and Mindfullness. <3
Love to you all - please don't worry about me if you are ready this either - I know you care but please trust I AM OK. I like to write. I like to have an opinion, I just need space. To find 'me' again.
Wednesday, 26 March 2014
Well, it's been a while..
Lying in my bed, and wow - it's been a while since I've caught up with myself and my readers.
Not that I write juuuusssst FOR YOU - but you guys are some days what keep me going, keep me focussed.
It's been hectic.. this whole journey of 'self love' and 'self acceptance' seems like it is so glorious and fresh as you start, then as those parts of yourself you DON'T love start surfacing, that's when the roller-coaster really begins.
Everyday we are PLUGGED and PULLED into the faces of the fitness industry - I guarantee if you look down your timeline, 50-70% of it will be fitness model related. Well, that was the case with mine anyway. These 'subliminal' messages - wether you think they affect you or not - really warp your own self perception and how you feel about yourself. It could even be your friend who is competing, who is in much better shape than you because she lifts 6 days a week and does endless amounts of cardio and eats clean 7 days a week.
You sit there, and you appreciate it at first, but deep down you are tearing at your heart because of how much you despise what YOU have.
I've been there, and I know how it feels.
It manifests. It grows until its too hard to bare with - you can't walk down the street without getting hyper anxiety about how your legs look - they are no where near the what the picture in your mind tells you they SHOULD be - where did that damn picture come from anyway? Society, society and the subliminal messages you are FED everyday as to what is and is not 'accepted' in the ways of beauty.
We are all advocates for 'beauty starts on the inside' yes - but how many of you actually believe that? How many of you?
I've stopped going to the gym, as I can't walk in there without judging and comparing myself to every single girl in there. It began to make me hate myself because I was being 'that person' - so I left, I will go back one day - but once I am healed and have a clear set goal and have trained my brain to 'just do my thing'.
SO, I have taken up Yoga.
It has honestly, changed my mindset and my life. It's probably a mix of Yoga and new medication but I'm going with Yoga.
It has taught me to be in my own stillness - to breathe, to let go, to really crunch down to what is wrong and be in my own present time - thus that 'problem' erases itself as 'not important'. I have not had an anxiety attack in 2 weeks and I have not felt inclined at all to binge for 2 weeks - so I have been fully 'vegan' for 6 weeks so far, but only in the last two weeks have I got it 'right' - and my body is thanking me in SO many ways - not just physically but mentally. I highly reccommend yoga to anyone who is battling with what I battle with, it has changed my life immensely.
I'm slowly starting to appreciate my body and all it serves for me - I've been pretty horrible to it over the past 8 years and it's time to stop.. because one day, I won't have this body. I actually looking in the mirror and looked down at my legs, and Yoga has transformed them in the way I have WISHED for them to look like for so long, I feel comfortable - and I'm happy. I'm happy not because I'm 'skinnier' but because I feel more stronger, healthier, lighter and more bubbly - the real me that's been hiding somehwere for so long. It's almost as if a huge cloud has just peeled itself away from me.
Anyways, I'm gonna leave it there. I'm pretty tired.. had horrible hayfever ALL day today and it's driving me up the wall, I'm hoping it is gone tomorrow as I have a full day in the iSUPPS store and reaaaaaly don't want to be plugged with hayfever ALL DAY again!!
Night all, and stay happy.
X Sam.
Not that I write juuuusssst FOR YOU - but you guys are some days what keep me going, keep me focussed.
It's been hectic.. this whole journey of 'self love' and 'self acceptance' seems like it is so glorious and fresh as you start, then as those parts of yourself you DON'T love start surfacing, that's when the roller-coaster really begins.
Everyday we are PLUGGED and PULLED into the faces of the fitness industry - I guarantee if you look down your timeline, 50-70% of it will be fitness model related. Well, that was the case with mine anyway. These 'subliminal' messages - wether you think they affect you or not - really warp your own self perception and how you feel about yourself. It could even be your friend who is competing, who is in much better shape than you because she lifts 6 days a week and does endless amounts of cardio and eats clean 7 days a week.
You sit there, and you appreciate it at first, but deep down you are tearing at your heart because of how much you despise what YOU have.
I've been there, and I know how it feels.
It manifests. It grows until its too hard to bare with - you can't walk down the street without getting hyper anxiety about how your legs look - they are no where near the what the picture in your mind tells you they SHOULD be - where did that damn picture come from anyway? Society, society and the subliminal messages you are FED everyday as to what is and is not 'accepted' in the ways of beauty.
We are all advocates for 'beauty starts on the inside' yes - but how many of you actually believe that? How many of you?
I've stopped going to the gym, as I can't walk in there without judging and comparing myself to every single girl in there. It began to make me hate myself because I was being 'that person' - so I left, I will go back one day - but once I am healed and have a clear set goal and have trained my brain to 'just do my thing'.
SO, I have taken up Yoga.
It has honestly, changed my mindset and my life. It's probably a mix of Yoga and new medication but I'm going with Yoga.
It has taught me to be in my own stillness - to breathe, to let go, to really crunch down to what is wrong and be in my own present time - thus that 'problem' erases itself as 'not important'. I have not had an anxiety attack in 2 weeks and I have not felt inclined at all to binge for 2 weeks - so I have been fully 'vegan' for 6 weeks so far, but only in the last two weeks have I got it 'right' - and my body is thanking me in SO many ways - not just physically but mentally. I highly reccommend yoga to anyone who is battling with what I battle with, it has changed my life immensely.
I'm slowly starting to appreciate my body and all it serves for me - I've been pretty horrible to it over the past 8 years and it's time to stop.. because one day, I won't have this body. I actually looking in the mirror and looked down at my legs, and Yoga has transformed them in the way I have WISHED for them to look like for so long, I feel comfortable - and I'm happy. I'm happy not because I'm 'skinnier' but because I feel more stronger, healthier, lighter and more bubbly - the real me that's been hiding somehwere for so long. It's almost as if a huge cloud has just peeled itself away from me.
Anyways, I'm gonna leave it there. I'm pretty tired.. had horrible hayfever ALL day today and it's driving me up the wall, I'm hoping it is gone tomorrow as I have a full day in the iSUPPS store and reaaaaaly don't want to be plugged with hayfever ALL DAY again!!
Night all, and stay happy.
X Sam.
Sunday, 16 March 2014
It doesn't matter how slow you go, just keep moving.
I must keep telling myself this.
Over the past couple of weeks, I have been stationary - hence I have not posted a blog entry in a while because my head has honestly been all over the place! I've posted a bit on facebook.
I've grown to hate the gym - because it turns into a completely negative experience for me.
It turns into a time where I would rip myself apart - a time where negative self talk would consume me, I'd compare myself to every girl in the gym - compare their legs to mine. If they were better than mine, I'd automatically hate them. If they were bigger than me, I'd think I was winning.
My stupid, fucking ego. I have removed myself from the gym scene until I work on healing my heart and soul and becoming the person I KNOW I am, not someone who is still controlled by anorexia.
Everyday at the moment is a battle - Every decision for the last 8 years has been made for Anorexia. What I wear, look too fat in clothes I like? Can't wear them. Make me look fat whilst running? Can't wear that either. Only thing that makes me look skinny? Baggy clothes. It tells me I must hide my body because it's too embarrasing to show in public. I can't wear singlets, because my arms are too big, according to it. I must wear loose tshirts only now. I can't wear shorts, no thats a big nono for Anorexia.
I've been controlled by this for as long as I can remember, and it robs me of life. It robs me of happiness. I'm over it. Hence I've seeked help, and am on a waiting list - but tahts what I'm doing, waiting. Impatientlly battling everyday.
People say, "Look at the beautiful person you are on the inside though!"
Ohhh god I WISH I could believe that when I tell myself it. But my exterior, my body image controls every aspect of my day. It's tiring. Exhausting. Mentally draining. I'm tired everyday.
Exercise is meant to better you, not be a torture session. I went for a walk around the park yesterday and the voice in my head was just yelling at me to push my legs harder to the concrete to burn more fat. I must have been walking like an idiot, but I didn't think anything of it until after when I saw a girl a bit larger than me out running, and I'm like why the fuck can't I just do that? Wear those clothes and be okay? Instead I make everything SUUUUCH a big deal for myself.
Foodwise I've been good - I've been following a vegan diet but I have been going haywire with nuts, seeds and dried fruit - hence unwanted weight gain which has led me to become a little depressed because I can't shift it with my hormones and my horrible exercise experience atm.
I figured, dude, there MUST be a way around it.
And finally a light shone.
Go and try yoga. You've had like 10 ppl tell you how amazing it is but you keep putting it off because of your stupid anxiety.
SO, I did a 90 min HOT yoga session for my first go and duuuude I died! I am really excited about bettering myself here because I felt calm and not judged like I do at the gym.
Still unwanted weight gain is driving me INSANE. My boobs are huge and swolen due to my mini pill.. usually it doesnt make me gain weight but this time round its just gone wooooahhh dude.
Might look into a Mirena, I just dont have 300 bucks to fish out for that shit ! :(
It's annoying, because I wanna lose a little weight NOT because of Anorexia, but to be HAPPY and HEALTHY and FIT an be able to WEAR the clothes I love, feel confident and be able to run around the park without chaffing! But it's that constant battle between what I REALLY want and what Anna wants.
I'm in a much more placid place tho - no anxiety over eating and no binges - but I'm still not happy with how I look :/
Murphy out x
Over the past couple of weeks, I have been stationary - hence I have not posted a blog entry in a while because my head has honestly been all over the place! I've posted a bit on facebook.
I've grown to hate the gym - because it turns into a completely negative experience for me.
It turns into a time where I would rip myself apart - a time where negative self talk would consume me, I'd compare myself to every girl in the gym - compare their legs to mine. If they were better than mine, I'd automatically hate them. If they were bigger than me, I'd think I was winning.
My stupid, fucking ego. I have removed myself from the gym scene until I work on healing my heart and soul and becoming the person I KNOW I am, not someone who is still controlled by anorexia.
Everyday at the moment is a battle - Every decision for the last 8 years has been made for Anorexia. What I wear, look too fat in clothes I like? Can't wear them. Make me look fat whilst running? Can't wear that either. Only thing that makes me look skinny? Baggy clothes. It tells me I must hide my body because it's too embarrasing to show in public. I can't wear singlets, because my arms are too big, according to it. I must wear loose tshirts only now. I can't wear shorts, no thats a big nono for Anorexia.
I've been controlled by this for as long as I can remember, and it robs me of life. It robs me of happiness. I'm over it. Hence I've seeked help, and am on a waiting list - but tahts what I'm doing, waiting. Impatientlly battling everyday.
People say, "Look at the beautiful person you are on the inside though!"
Ohhh god I WISH I could believe that when I tell myself it. But my exterior, my body image controls every aspect of my day. It's tiring. Exhausting. Mentally draining. I'm tired everyday.
Exercise is meant to better you, not be a torture session. I went for a walk around the park yesterday and the voice in my head was just yelling at me to push my legs harder to the concrete to burn more fat. I must have been walking like an idiot, but I didn't think anything of it until after when I saw a girl a bit larger than me out running, and I'm like why the fuck can't I just do that? Wear those clothes and be okay? Instead I make everything SUUUUCH a big deal for myself.
Foodwise I've been good - I've been following a vegan diet but I have been going haywire with nuts, seeds and dried fruit - hence unwanted weight gain which has led me to become a little depressed because I can't shift it with my hormones and my horrible exercise experience atm.
I figured, dude, there MUST be a way around it.
And finally a light shone.
Go and try yoga. You've had like 10 ppl tell you how amazing it is but you keep putting it off because of your stupid anxiety.
SO, I did a 90 min HOT yoga session for my first go and duuuude I died! I am really excited about bettering myself here because I felt calm and not judged like I do at the gym.
Still unwanted weight gain is driving me INSANE. My boobs are huge and swolen due to my mini pill.. usually it doesnt make me gain weight but this time round its just gone wooooahhh dude.
Might look into a Mirena, I just dont have 300 bucks to fish out for that shit ! :(
It's annoying, because I wanna lose a little weight NOT because of Anorexia, but to be HAPPY and HEALTHY and FIT an be able to WEAR the clothes I love, feel confident and be able to run around the park without chaffing! But it's that constant battle between what I REALLY want and what Anna wants.
I'm in a much more placid place tho - no anxiety over eating and no binges - but I'm still not happy with how I look :/
Murphy out x
Tuesday, 4 March 2014
It all makes sense now.. kinda lol.
It's been soooo cold and sooooo friggen wet down here in the Church mayn!! Goodam there's flooding everywhere lol!
Luckily we are not affected, hope everyones okay tho! :( That would really suckkkk to get errrthang wet.
So, todays been another successful day a la food wise. Didn't train tho... which I do feel a lil guilty tho :/ My goal was to just do cardio and I haven't managed to get up to do that...
No calorie counting, no number crunching and just learning to make WISER choices with my food instead of being so darn controlling and strict and driving myself INSANE.
Breakfast 8am;Almond, Banana, Berry & Cacao Smoothie (sooo good)
Snack 11am; 1/2c seed mix & salted chickpeas
Snacked again atttt 2:30pm; White Chocolate Raspberry Questbar
3pm; 3 plums & a few cashews
6pm; Vegetarian Satay w Low-carb noodles & butternut pumpkin.
So, a LOT less that I am used to eating... but to be honest I'm just not that hungry! But at least I made better choices today so Im happy with that! Slowly making the transition into being a vegan (goodbye questbars lol wahhhh) so I think it will be good for my body! :) I'm enjoying plant based foods WAY more than meat, it feels so much more refreshing to eat!
I had a good chat with my dad the other day. (Hey dad, if you are reading this)
And it's probably the first time in 8 years I've opened up to him, and been honest.
Basically, to sum it up - I have recognised I've been battling with Anorexia even AFTER I have recovered to a healthy weight.
The past 8 years have been me trying to control everything to such an extent, because I fear if I don't devote as much time and energy into my fitness and food, I will blow out - and that's just unacceptable (says the monkey). Hence I have lost jobs, I quit on people, I am a horrible person and SELFISH because I want to be immersed in Anorexia - because it makes me feel like I will look good. But, I get thrown in the gutter everytime.
So, I panick, and I try so ridicolousy hard to control my food intake and control my training, and it just hasnt been working. I'm not happy. Duh, who would be happy controlling themselves out of there minds? The more you control food, the more it will control you!!!
It's hard because I'm in the fitness industry... which, to be quite frank - I started to want to get into the fitness industry because of Anorexia. As an excuse. A mask. To cover it up. To get lean without people knowing I was sick inside.
I'm surrounded day to day with people that are in AMAZING shape, and I'm not at the moment. I'm not saying I've 'let myself go' but in comparison to those who 'my monkey' tells me I should be like, I am no where NEAR that because I can't get my food under control, let alone find any passion for training.
It's an endless, vicious cycle that I can't ever seem to win.
The times that I was in amazing shape would have been around 2010 where I was running at least 10-12kms a day, exercising 3 hours or more a day and living off seeds and crackers. I would skip school assembly just to go for a run. I would exercise at morning tea when all my school friends were eating morning tea. Stuff food man, I can burn at least 300 calories in 20 mins.
BURN BURN BURN you fat shit. (this is what would go through my head)
Yeah, I don't know how I managed to pull that off.
Even now,
I subconciously check myself, grabbing at parts of my body that I despise and want to get rid of.
I subconciously look in every friggen mirror damn near possible. And it's never satisfying to see what I see.
These are all traits of Anorexia, and I have carried these habits on with me to what I do day to day now. And I've only just realised.
Thank fuck for that!
SO I'm going to head to the docs for a checkup and chat to my doctor, who diagnosed me with Anorexia because he knows my background.
Sometimes, I think my god. You guys must honestly think I'm mental. One day I'm up and the next I'm down - I know those close to me have trouble knowing waht to expect with me, a few days ago I thought I was bipolar (good old google self diagnosis lol) ... I'm just SO up and down and I never know what my own mood is going to be like. It gets so confusing some days and hence I get hyper anxiety around people because I change my mood in a matter of 5 seconds!!!
And for the mere fact I change my bloody story and direction every second day, but it's just because - I don't know WHO I am.
I'm on a mission to find out who "sam murphy" is.
I honestly don't know. If somebody told me to set a goal at the moment, I couldn't do it. Because I don't know what SAM MURPHY wants. She's so far gone and has been so immersed in this stupid eating disorder that she's a little, a LOT, lost.
I see all these people online making goals and going hard and smashing them... and I've never done that. I'm a create of habit, a spontaneous person, with no real 'set plan'.. I just go with the wind. Im a free spirit. It's just me. BUT I need goals, to strive forward, for something bigger.
SO, I need to find who 'me' is. I'm going to sleep on it, and define what I am and who I want to continue to be and grow.
It's confusing, saying "I don't know who I am"... I'm a little embarrassed to say it... but I really don't know. I've expended SO much energy into my eating disorder, my body image and all over the years - I'm defined by THAT. And I'm over it.
I don't want it anymore. That's not how you fucking live.
Anyway.
Seeyaaaaaaaaa lol
XOXO
Smurph.
Luckily we are not affected, hope everyones okay tho! :( That would really suckkkk to get errrthang wet.
So, todays been another successful day a la food wise. Didn't train tho... which I do feel a lil guilty tho :/ My goal was to just do cardio and I haven't managed to get up to do that...
No calorie counting, no number crunching and just learning to make WISER choices with my food instead of being so darn controlling and strict and driving myself INSANE.
Breakfast 8am;Almond, Banana, Berry & Cacao Smoothie (sooo good)
Snack 11am; 1/2c seed mix & salted chickpeas
Snacked again atttt 2:30pm; White Chocolate Raspberry Questbar
3pm; 3 plums & a few cashews
6pm; Vegetarian Satay w Low-carb noodles & butternut pumpkin.
So, a LOT less that I am used to eating... but to be honest I'm just not that hungry! But at least I made better choices today so Im happy with that! Slowly making the transition into being a vegan (goodbye questbars lol wahhhh) so I think it will be good for my body! :) I'm enjoying plant based foods WAY more than meat, it feels so much more refreshing to eat!
I had a good chat with my dad the other day. (Hey dad, if you are reading this)
And it's probably the first time in 8 years I've opened up to him, and been honest.
Basically, to sum it up - I have recognised I've been battling with Anorexia even AFTER I have recovered to a healthy weight.
The past 8 years have been me trying to control everything to such an extent, because I fear if I don't devote as much time and energy into my fitness and food, I will blow out - and that's just unacceptable (says the monkey). Hence I have lost jobs, I quit on people, I am a horrible person and SELFISH because I want to be immersed in Anorexia - because it makes me feel like I will look good. But, I get thrown in the gutter everytime.
So, I panick, and I try so ridicolousy hard to control my food intake and control my training, and it just hasnt been working. I'm not happy. Duh, who would be happy controlling themselves out of there minds? The more you control food, the more it will control you!!!
It's hard because I'm in the fitness industry... which, to be quite frank - I started to want to get into the fitness industry because of Anorexia. As an excuse. A mask. To cover it up. To get lean without people knowing I was sick inside.
I'm surrounded day to day with people that are in AMAZING shape, and I'm not at the moment. I'm not saying I've 'let myself go' but in comparison to those who 'my monkey' tells me I should be like, I am no where NEAR that because I can't get my food under control, let alone find any passion for training.
It's an endless, vicious cycle that I can't ever seem to win.
The times that I was in amazing shape would have been around 2010 where I was running at least 10-12kms a day, exercising 3 hours or more a day and living off seeds and crackers. I would skip school assembly just to go for a run. I would exercise at morning tea when all my school friends were eating morning tea. Stuff food man, I can burn at least 300 calories in 20 mins.
BURN BURN BURN you fat shit. (this is what would go through my head)
Yeah, I don't know how I managed to pull that off.
Even now,
I subconciously check myself, grabbing at parts of my body that I despise and want to get rid of.
I subconciously look in every friggen mirror damn near possible. And it's never satisfying to see what I see.
These are all traits of Anorexia, and I have carried these habits on with me to what I do day to day now. And I've only just realised.
Thank fuck for that!
SO I'm going to head to the docs for a checkup and chat to my doctor, who diagnosed me with Anorexia because he knows my background.
Sometimes, I think my god. You guys must honestly think I'm mental. One day I'm up and the next I'm down - I know those close to me have trouble knowing waht to expect with me, a few days ago I thought I was bipolar (good old google self diagnosis lol) ... I'm just SO up and down and I never know what my own mood is going to be like. It gets so confusing some days and hence I get hyper anxiety around people because I change my mood in a matter of 5 seconds!!!
And for the mere fact I change my bloody story and direction every second day, but it's just because - I don't know WHO I am.
I'm on a mission to find out who "sam murphy" is.
I honestly don't know. If somebody told me to set a goal at the moment, I couldn't do it. Because I don't know what SAM MURPHY wants. She's so far gone and has been so immersed in this stupid eating disorder that she's a little, a LOT, lost.
I see all these people online making goals and going hard and smashing them... and I've never done that. I'm a create of habit, a spontaneous person, with no real 'set plan'.. I just go with the wind. Im a free spirit. It's just me. BUT I need goals, to strive forward, for something bigger.
SO, I need to find who 'me' is. I'm going to sleep on it, and define what I am and who I want to continue to be and grow.
It's confusing, saying "I don't know who I am"... I'm a little embarrassed to say it... but I really don't know. I've expended SO much energy into my eating disorder, my body image and all over the years - I'm defined by THAT. And I'm over it.
I don't want it anymore. That's not how you fucking live.
Anyway.
Seeyaaaaaaaaa lol
XOXO
Smurph.
Sunday, 2 March 2014
A new start.
So, I'm giving things.. everything a second chance with myself.
I've been SO tired, groggy, down in the dumps a lil lately... annnnd I know why. I haven't been eating fruit and vegetables.
Today I FINALLY went and tracked what I ate - and my god I've been shocking lol.
Today goes as follows:
1 banana for breakfast and some grapes
1/2 packet of seed mix (sunflower, pumpkin and sesame seeds)
5-6 dates
Some cashews
4 rice cakes with almond butter + honey
1/2 jar of gherkins
LOL my god how the fuck is this even eating??? Soooo yes. This is what I've eaten today.
SUCH a contrast to me who was eating 6 meals a day of carbs and protein, now I just can't be assed! The thought of chicken makes me want to vomit :( So does the thought of eating a pre made meal of my own!
Am I just being lazy or am I really over it for now?
Either way, this is no excuse to be eating randomly.. I mean, I've been eating pretty GOOD natural food sources, just nothing that contains any minerals and vitamins my body is probably crying out for... hence I'm lying in bed doing my work today.
SO, Tonight I'm going to go no a FRUIT AND VEG shop and make a concious effort this week to UP my fruit and vege intake.
I was scrolling through pics of me on my comp prep and found some a few days before comp... Wow!! I honestly can't believe thats me. Then I took some this morning and thought... WOW... yep thats me lol.
But what was funny to see was the contrast in my Photo Booth camera gallery... the pics BEFORE I even started comp prep were just of me normal, smiling etc with kids and stuff, and the ones during comp prep, EVERY single photo is of me half naked, in a selfie. Me obsessing over my body 100x till I want to drive my head in the sand. I couldn't go a day without a selfie to check I looked 'better' than yesterday. That's not 'health and fitness'. Thats just plain fucking retarded.
Bloated, haven't trained in 2 weeks and haven't been eating very consistently and also on the pill has led to a watery whale! It's a little frustraing seeing as I was making SUCH good process before... but I wanst happy in my skin :( I was eating 6 times a day but always starving, unhappy, not enjoying training, flucuating too much... so yeah. I kinda had just had enough. And woopsies, good ol me goes and blows my arrrrrse off the wagon!!!!
I'm not too sure what to do training wise... I haven't trained today. I had an internal war about going to do cardio but instead I went home to bed. I KNOW that cardio will make me feel better but I just feel so god damn uncomforable with the way I look right now!! Not being happy on the inside has led me to be a not very happy person on the outside esp with the way I present myself.
So my goal is to start fixing this internally.
- Eat more fruit and veg.
- Make more smoothies
- Drink more water
- Do cardio and do something ENJOYABLE at least 3 times this week.
Here we go again.. *sigh*
Love to you all x
Smurph.
I've been SO tired, groggy, down in the dumps a lil lately... annnnd I know why. I haven't been eating fruit and vegetables.
Today I FINALLY went and tracked what I ate - and my god I've been shocking lol.
Today goes as follows:
1 banana for breakfast and some grapes
1/2 packet of seed mix (sunflower, pumpkin and sesame seeds)
5-6 dates
Some cashews
4 rice cakes with almond butter + honey
1/2 jar of gherkins
LOL my god how the fuck is this even eating??? Soooo yes. This is what I've eaten today.
SUCH a contrast to me who was eating 6 meals a day of carbs and protein, now I just can't be assed! The thought of chicken makes me want to vomit :( So does the thought of eating a pre made meal of my own!
Am I just being lazy or am I really over it for now?
Either way, this is no excuse to be eating randomly.. I mean, I've been eating pretty GOOD natural food sources, just nothing that contains any minerals and vitamins my body is probably crying out for... hence I'm lying in bed doing my work today.
SO, Tonight I'm going to go no a FRUIT AND VEG shop and make a concious effort this week to UP my fruit and vege intake.
I was scrolling through pics of me on my comp prep and found some a few days before comp... Wow!! I honestly can't believe thats me. Then I took some this morning and thought... WOW... yep thats me lol.
But what was funny to see was the contrast in my Photo Booth camera gallery... the pics BEFORE I even started comp prep were just of me normal, smiling etc with kids and stuff, and the ones during comp prep, EVERY single photo is of me half naked, in a selfie. Me obsessing over my body 100x till I want to drive my head in the sand. I couldn't go a day without a selfie to check I looked 'better' than yesterday. That's not 'health and fitness'. Thats just plain fucking retarded.
Bloated, haven't trained in 2 weeks and haven't been eating very consistently and also on the pill has led to a watery whale! It's a little frustraing seeing as I was making SUCH good process before... but I wanst happy in my skin :( I was eating 6 times a day but always starving, unhappy, not enjoying training, flucuating too much... so yeah. I kinda had just had enough. And woopsies, good ol me goes and blows my arrrrrse off the wagon!!!!
I'm not too sure what to do training wise... I haven't trained today. I had an internal war about going to do cardio but instead I went home to bed. I KNOW that cardio will make me feel better but I just feel so god damn uncomforable with the way I look right now!! Not being happy on the inside has led me to be a not very happy person on the outside esp with the way I present myself.
So my goal is to start fixing this internally.
- Eat more fruit and veg.
- Make more smoothies
- Drink more water
- Do cardio and do something ENJOYABLE at least 3 times this week.
Here we go again.. *sigh*
Love to you all x
Smurph.
Saturday, 1 March 2014
I can't help but wonder.
I'm lying in bed. It's 10pm and I just have so much running through my head. So much, that it is almost exhausting. So I decided to write.
I can't help but wonder, what it would be like - to live life without Anorexia. I know, that due to this illness I have a habit of comparing myself to others. Always have, but I want to change. I do it subconciously- it's Anna that makes me do it. She tells me every second of everyday I'm not good enough, and not matter how many people tell me how good I am I will never EVER believe them, for I have been convinced by this monkey that I am not worth enough myself.
I look at everyone else... and I often wonder... what is it like, to not have an eating disorder?
What is it like to have a normal relationship with food?
What is it like, to be able to compete, and be successful and maintain a low body fat without being controled by an eating disorder?
What. Is. It. Like.
I wonder.
But, as much as I RESENT my struggle - I have learnt to accept - that this is who I am. This is how I function. I cant eat a meal normally without stressing or obsessing over something, leading into a tagent picking fest of binge. I've been hiding it for YEARS now and I used competing as an excuse to mask the eating disorder. "Oh, I'm this lean because I'm competing. I'm restricing my food because I'm competing."
That evil, deceitful thing.
And it's hard, because I reached a physical peak I loved, but it wasn't good enough for some reason.
Anna had really pulled me under.
When I say, Anna. I mean the name that Anorexia is sometimes given. I talk as she is a part of me that sits on my shoulder some days, and I STILL battle with it. Not to the extent - Like, I'm not sick. I'm a perfectly healthy weight, just with a perfectly imperfect relationship with food.
But who is perfect, honestly.
I don't even know what I'm rambling on about half the time.
I just honestly just look at all these people at the Arnolds atm.. and I can't help but wonder, what is it like - honestly, what is it like to be able to do that?
My ED has held me back for 8 years.
8 years of lying.
8 years of decisions made by ANNA not by me.
8 years of not knowing what truly makes me happy.
8 years of not being happy.
I'm tired.
Sleep time.
I haven't binged tonight, so that's a win. :)
Sam x
I can't help but wonder, what it would be like - to live life without Anorexia. I know, that due to this illness I have a habit of comparing myself to others. Always have, but I want to change. I do it subconciously- it's Anna that makes me do it. She tells me every second of everyday I'm not good enough, and not matter how many people tell me how good I am I will never EVER believe them, for I have been convinced by this monkey that I am not worth enough myself.
I look at everyone else... and I often wonder... what is it like, to not have an eating disorder?
What is it like to have a normal relationship with food?
What is it like, to be able to compete, and be successful and maintain a low body fat without being controled by an eating disorder?
What. Is. It. Like.
I wonder.
But, as much as I RESENT my struggle - I have learnt to accept - that this is who I am. This is how I function. I cant eat a meal normally without stressing or obsessing over something, leading into a tagent picking fest of binge. I've been hiding it for YEARS now and I used competing as an excuse to mask the eating disorder. "Oh, I'm this lean because I'm competing. I'm restricing my food because I'm competing."
That evil, deceitful thing.
And it's hard, because I reached a physical peak I loved, but it wasn't good enough for some reason.
Anna had really pulled me under.
When I say, Anna. I mean the name that Anorexia is sometimes given. I talk as she is a part of me that sits on my shoulder some days, and I STILL battle with it. Not to the extent - Like, I'm not sick. I'm a perfectly healthy weight, just with a perfectly imperfect relationship with food.
But who is perfect, honestly.
I don't even know what I'm rambling on about half the time.
I just honestly just look at all these people at the Arnolds atm.. and I can't help but wonder, what is it like - honestly, what is it like to be able to do that?
My ED has held me back for 8 years.
8 years of lying.
8 years of decisions made by ANNA not by me.
8 years of not knowing what truly makes me happy.
8 years of not being happy.
I'm tired.
Sleep time.
I haven't binged tonight, so that's a win. :)
Sam x
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