Day 13; The peanut butter keeps staring at me!!

I'm writing this now because I have this horrible wave of anxiety.
I've just gotten home from work, and was hungry so I made a bowl of salad.. Then I was still nibblish so I made a large wholegrain seed cracker w organic nut butter and honey. Thheeennn another one.. I don't know why I feel bad about eating in.. I feel a bit gross because I haven't done any exercise today either so I don't feel I deserved them maybe?
Its Saturday night which means its usually treat night for me... Used to be cheat but I have resorted to treat. I have this urge to just keep nibbling on food... And I know its cos I'm bored but I cant force myself to think of anything other than food!!! Uggggh this controls me so much. I am planning on having some chicken for tea maybe salad and then make my treat of cookie dough protein because im craving it hard out... In struggling w this 'little bit of this n that' mentality because i am used to eating the same foods day in n day out... I feel like anything diff i put in my body has made me blown out 1 billion kg.. I know this is all in my head... In not stupid, i know its not real but the actual feeling you get... The dark, empty skin ripping feeling where you hate yourself so much...

I'm not going to give in to a binge.
I know I will just feel shit.
Im going to do my best and just enjoy the foods I have planned.
I may feel like shit after and feel yucck tomorrow for not exercising or doing cardio in 2 days but I'm not willing to give in to this pain... I don't want to be held prisoner of how i look and the obsession to be thin. I will break out of this.

One day at a time...

Meals so far today;
Meal 1: 1/2c rice flakes and 3 egg whites
Meal 2: 1/2c rice flakes and 30g whey w LSA and nut butter and blueberries (kinda turned into rice pudding)
Meal 3: 1/2c brown rice, 150g chicken, lettuce
Meal 4: slaw mix, 1/4c black beans, 1/4c peanuts, Greek yoghurt n low cal sweet chilli
Then 2x seed cakes w tbsp almond butter and tsp honey and cacao nibs

That's where I am so far... Wish me luck.
I feel a bit better writing out what I ate... But still mind blows me how something " off the plan " fucks me up so bad and makes me feel like I have failed.

I know I haven't and i know I'm just being a dick... But the mental reality you create for yourself can be the most demonic and self sabotaging thing out.

May I pray to the gods of will power and strength!!

X sam

Day 12; Jiggly puff wants boulder shoulders

Today started off good! Went for a spray tan, got my lashes done and eyebrows done by the amazing Kacey from Louise Glamour! She's honestly so lovely and crack up- not to mention a true professional, wouldn't go anywhere else! If your after any of your beauty needs eg tan, facial etc etc in chch go see her!
https://www.facebook.com/LouiseGlamour
I swear having a tan makes life that much better lol.

Didn't get up to to my cardio this morning :( Woke up at 630 and felt like I had been hit by a bus! Maybe it's just my head being stupid or maybe I need earlier nights... anywho I got up to eat breakfast and felt a lil guilty for not doing cardio when I commited 'last night' to do doing so... need to start following through! It's hard to not put too much pressure of myself.

I had a few vouchers from my birthday and Xmas so I used these to buy some new hair products to keep my new blonde doooo in good shape and also some new compression tights and a few t-shirts! I love clothhhheesss haha! I literally threw out 5 bags of clothes the other day.. someone less fortunate than me is gonna be happy lappy haha!

Food today was good.. But physically, I felt like a whale.. because I didn't go for a run or anything my legs felt wayyyy jigglier and fatter than usual.. it was gross :( I hate this feeling!
Meal 1; 1/2c steel cut oats; 30g whey
Meal 2; 150gms chicken; 1/2c buckwheat, lettuce, walnuts
Meal 3; 1 organic seed cracker; 1tbsp sunflower/pumpkin seed/almond butter, 1/3c buckwheat
Meal 4; Protein shake
Meal 5; 150gms chicken, Green salad w Crushed nuts + apple cider vinegar
Meal 6; 30g whey, 2tbsp coconut flour, 1tsp nut butter, 1 tsp honey, handful of cacao chips
... Meal 7... was a second serving of Meal 6.. woops :/ This has left me feeling a bit shit... I got into an emotional spin and got so angry I went and made it and ate it crying. FML. I spose it could have been worse...

Because I felt like SUCH a fuggen whale I really couldn't be fucked training. I was NOT in the mood, I felt disgusting. What's the point.
I tried a few leg exercise to let out my fury on my legs, but the more I saw my reflection in the mirror... the more I hated myself. I felt like just sitting down and crying.
My partner must have sensed a plea of help, I'm so reluctant to EVER ask for help - I think I have all the answers lol. He suggested I train shoulders, so I followed his orders and he pushed me through a shoulder workout.. probably the hardest I've been pushed in a while and I thank him for that!! It was great, I'm going to get him to push me like this more often until I have found confidence again to train myself. His encouragement and motivation yelling in my face really helped too haha. Beast mode murphy... Slowly getting there. I don't know why, I get embarrased because I think he thinks I'm stupid for not knowing how to train properly lol. Weird girl mentality I think.

So, leaving the gym I felt that release of endorphins and forgot about my legs for a bit!! Yay!!
I KNOW its going to take time for them to come down... it's just so freaking frustrating not being where you want to be... I seem to think It is given easily without realising the hard work I need to put in.. partially my lazy side that comes out here! Shortcutting everything!

Everything was good until I had a fight with mum, then I went and made a second helping of that cookie dough I make. FUCK. I feel yuck and bloated now... maybe it's all in my head? I don't know.. I'm trying to brush it off, but it is the second time I've gone back for seconds of it.. Maybe I should just leave it to a weekend treat to elimiate the factor of having it after tea every night??

Feeling pretty fluffy and gross atm :/ But I always feel like this at night after all my food... for some reason it feels like all the food I've eaten has just stuck to my body. It's so gross... It is heightened the more I pay attention to it and the more I ahte it, I know. It becomes more my reality. And when Im distracted. I forget.

But I can't go my whole life being 'distracted' ... I need to face the problem once and for all.

Once again, it's that balance thing. I'm still finding it hard to give myself some slack, because I really want to lose weight.. but I really want to enjoy things too.. ugh haha. Can't have your cake and eat it, I've thought about doing IIFYM but I don't want to be obsessed with counting my macros.. I think that would fuel my Anorexia if anything. So I'm working and chipping away at listening to my body and finding out what the flop it's tryyyying to tell me!!
It's been good tho - I've been 12 whole days without binge mentality. I've felt it come along, but I've stopped it at my second helping. Even tho I feel gross and unhappy about my weight at some points in my day, I havent' let it turn into an all down right binge. So I'm quite proud of that!

Baby steps to happiness, right? I don't expect to just wake up and completely love myself over night... I know this 'thing' is going to take some time.

Thanks for being with me so far x

Day 11; Jump aboard the crazy thought train!

Well, last night I was so close to making another bowl of my freaking cookie dough!!! Jesus... I stopped myself tho and forcefully said "You'll feel like shit" because I was bloated enough as it was already! I hadn't even eaten that much yesterday, I think it was the fact I hadn't had a lot of water- but the fact was I felt like 4kg heavier than normal and it was YUCK!!! Grrr I hate that feeling.

This morning I had 'planned' the night before to wake up early and do some fasted cardio, didn't happen.. I was sooo tired!! I slept till about 9am then went to the gym; I attempted like 5 mins of cardio and my body was just like 'nooopppeee' ..  Attempted some walking lunges and literally felt like fainting.. I think it was because I was so dehydrated from yesterday and this morning. Nothing felt good it just felt stupidly exhausting; more than normal. So I just left after about 30 mins. Haha, successful... but I told myself "Hey, I showed up and I tired; Today just wasn't my day"
I had a moment of jealousy too at the gym... there was a chick on the tredmill, and she reminded me of when I was in my fit 'prime'.. I honestly admired everything about her physique.. yet it got me so mad at myself for where I was and I felt so inferior... I felt like hitting something, it makes me reflect on all the things I could have done differently to be there now; but ya know.. If I really sit down and be honest to myself and pull it into it's simplest form; it's a matter of accepting where I am now and just doing the best I can.


I have this inner war with myself as to wether I'm being too kind on myself and if I should push myself further, or if I'm being to hard on myself and should cut some slack.. I really find it hard to know which option to choose in these kind of situations; kind of like after I eat something shit; Do I push myself harder and work it off or just let it go? I know most of you will just tell me to 'be kind to myself' but is that shouldn't mean I justify that what I did was right? If that makes sense... like how much is too much ahhaha. I am really an all or nothing person... but I'm slowly, sloooowly, adapting to change and I want to be able to know the 'little bit here, little bit there, moderation' type of mindset... instead of either 1. Not eating or 2. Gorging till no return.

So I made sure my meals were pretty spot on today considering I didn't exactly have a proper train today...
Meal 1; 1/2c oats w 3x egg whites
Meal 2; 1/2c riceflakes w 1scoop whey
Meal 3; 150gms chicken w 1/2c brown rice, salad + mixed nuts, greek yoghurt n low cal sweet chilli.
Meal 4; 30g Vanilla whey, 2 tbsp coconut flour, 1/2 mashed banana, 1tsp LSA, tbsp Almond Butter, 2tbsp Greek Yoghurt
Meal 5; 150gm Chicken w Salad, Roasted carrots.

Drank about 1.5L of water today.. stiiiil not really enough so I'm going to try for 2.5 tomorrow!

Just been sitting down with my partner Josh having a discussion about how my relationship with food is going atm, and I actually find it so hard to differentiate 'comp prep' with 'real eating'.. like, am I being too easy on myself? Am I allowed this? I could be eating cleaner, right? I want to lose weight, so I'm going to have to eat like comp prep right?
It's honestly such a mind game.. every single thing that goes in my mouth I must ask myself "will this serve me and my goals" ?
If it's not serving you,then why are you doing it.
He made some good points to me; I find it fascinating as to how the male brain works; not worrying about every single thing they put into their mouths and still staying so lean.. forgetting to eat meals etc.. I WISH I WAS LIKE THAT!! Seriously, If I could forget to eat one day I'd probably be so happy because I hadn't stressed about FOOD all day haha. Food is my priority and it always has been.. so I figure, that's the way I'm wired... so I must try wire it in the most positive way possible and use it to my ADVANTAGE and get all the nutrients I need, because I know I'll never forget them.

I want to compete again next year.. I'm unsure on dates. But for now I just want to slowly cut down and tighten up, and along the way LEARN how to be happy with myself. It's so hard... honestly sometimes I catch a glance of myself in the gym mirrors and just hate myself. I feel like crying... What's the point in even being here? I'm so out of shape.. and I'll focus on how 'backwards' I've gotten instead of foccussing on the 'forwards part'...

Anyways thats probably enough mental mind rambling for one night haha!
I hope you all had a lovely Boxing day, and if you went to sales I hope you punched some peps in the face lol!!

Tomorrow's a new day so I'll try again tomorrow :-)

Sam xo

Day 10; Reindeer poos and cookie dough issues

Well.. Firstly Merry Xmas! To be honest I'm an xmas Grinch.. The only real memories of Christmas I have is of me walking off in a tear storm because of a family fight or something, or i would get anxiety around so much food.. I dunno.. Im not very 'family orientated' and i do get quite selfish, just a product of how isolated i was when I was sick.

Yup ill admit it but fuuuuck split families are hard esp when it catches up on you, like it has now.

I didn't buy anyone presents; for one i am broke and two i kinda forgot intentionally. Some of you may be sitting here in disgust at what I'm saying, saying i should be spending time w my FAM etc etc... Couldn't really give a shit, its your opinion. Today i spent the day w myself and my cat and Josh, mum came along too. And that's all i need.

We just went for a drive to corsair bay for a swim and to relax, and i got waaay out of my comfort zone and wore togs and shorts. Initially i was self conscious about how my legs looked... Def not up to my usual standard... But after a swim i forgot about it and started being happy because the swimming made my legs jiggle less. God i dunno my head spins some real weird shit.

Coming home, i hadn't eaten much but fruit and a few nuts... I had been given chocs etc from mum and the thought of hoeing into rice cakes came to mind... But some weird force inside compelled me to make a stirfry instead because ill feel better. I used chicken, fresh vegges, carb free noodles, almond butter, soya sauce and garlic. I chucked in a heap of cashews too... I wasn't sure if i should feel bad about eating them or if i was trying to justify it as ' its OK, its Christmas ' ... Finished my stirfry but was left feeling a Lil hungry.. Or maybe i was just bored?? Hmm i have this battle .. A lot.

Thought about the chocs again instead i made a bowl of cookie dough using 1 scoop vanilla chain whey, 2tbsp coconut flour, almond butter, honey and some dark choc chips... Maaaannn it tasted so good,  so I've just smashed another bowl....
Careful Sam that this doesn't turn into an allright binge.. Hence I'm writing this now to review my day and leave it at peace.

This horrible wave of guilt came over eating that second bowl, but its done now and could have been MUCH MUCH worse... Eg REAL cookie dough lol. I wanna go a whole month with no processed foods for treats and see the mental and physical changes I can make... So I'm on a quest to find satisfaction out of healthier versions of my fave treats..once again tho, i need to work on portions and moderation!!!

Im lying on bed now and i feel a Lil bit bloated which fucks with my head.. But trying to not let it phase me, will b gone in the morning! Once again, trying to maintain that stupid standard i set myself!!!

My meals for todays diary so far;
Meal 1 9am was 1/2c oats + 1 scoop Vanilla Whey
Meal 2 around 12pm was handfull of fruit, some nuts and some Aminos (whilst at beach)
Went for a swim etc then arrived home at around 3pm
Meal 3 around 3pm was 2cups of veges, 1cup carb free noodles, 150gms chicken, 1tbsp peanut/almond butter, handful of cashews + peanuts (raw), garlic and soy sauce.
Meal 4 about 5-30pm was 2 scoops of vanilla Whey, 1 tbsp almond butter, 1 tsp honey, 2 tbsp coconut flour and a handful (or two lol) of dark choc chips
.. Meal 4 #2 was another bowl of this only using 1 scoop of protein tho.

Yeaaaa so that's where I am atm... I haven't drunk a lot of water today (big nono) Hence why I am craving big time!!

Hope you have all had a good day where ever you are!!!

Much love xx Sam

Day 9; Learning, living and getting dem gains

Today I had a nice day :)

I slept in and didn't get to do any fasted cardio like I had planned the night before... I tried my best to just brush it off and went to the gym after dropping Josh off to go and do 20mins mix of incline walk and run.. I still get extremely frustrated when running because i get puffed after 5mins and cant seem to get my tights comfortable.. I have this weird obsession where i need to have my tights in a certain way because it seems to stop the jiggle and makes me run better... I dunno i swear that's just a retarded mental thing.

Got my hair done today too!! My fave Renee had a last min cancelation so i was stoked to get in! Went all blonde for a fresh look :)
It felt nice treating myself to some thing other than food, i bought some new shoes too for my own Xmas pressie!! Finally a proper pair of running shoes lol.

Food was good today :) made a conscious decision to be planneed for once... Its so hard getting back into meal prep I seriously just CBF.. Ill cook Josh's meals just not mine... So i got up early n whipped up chicken, rice and almonds.
Bfast was 1/2c organic rice cereal w 3x egg whites and sugar free choc
Meal 2 was 1/2c oats w 3x egg whites and 1tbsp LSA
Meal 3 was 150g chicken, 1/2c rice and a handful almonds
Meal 4 was protein shake
Meal 5 was 180g chicken, avocado and almond salad.
I will make a clean treat tonight too cos i am still a bit peckish.

I am going to post what i eat to keep track of my eating habits and hold myself accountable. By all means, follow it too but you MUST understand that i do and eat the things i do to serve my body... So what works for me may not work for you. Remember my goals ATM are to drop body fat and regain balance and learn to love myself.

I went and trained this afternoon and helped josh spot, and he helped me w a few things. In extremely reluctant to him helping me because i feel he gets frustrated at me then i get upset and embarrassed. But i want to learn more because i want to get more out of training.. I'm finding it hard to motivate myself to do weights and find myself slowly creeping to the treadmill.
So im going to do my best to put my stupid excuses and attitude behind and learn something for once!

I had a moment in the gym when I wasn't happy and kept focusing on how gross my tummy felt.. I was wearing a tight top and just got stupidly self conscious about my tummy and kept hiding and adjusting it... I KNOW i should be confident in my body... But when your suffering in your head at the time you don't see that.

My coach Janere is amazing... She will say the simplest of things to improve my self talk and i trust her with my heart.

I can't believe its Christmas tomorrow.... My family's a bit split up so we don't make a big deal out of it. I think ill get up and go for a run and eat some oats to be honest! May go to the beach w Josh :)
I don't have anxiety over Christmas food, I've grown stronger in knowing how shitty food makes me feel shit.. And i have been telling myself this every morning and again at night.

Love to you all and have a safe and happy holiday xxx Sam

Day 8; Death by peanut butter

K.. So I'm just sitting here at the gym fucked off.. I think its the fact my partner came late to the gym which means i have to wait because i have finished before we go do groceries.. I don't even know why I'm fucked off i just hate being spun out of my routine and waiting for people. I tried to pass time by doing cardio but i got on the treadmill and reached 13 mins then got off because i wasn't feeling a burn and my legs felt so fat i hate it!!!! Shouldn't that motivate you to keep going??? My mind just wandered off so far i just got off.
I hate this starting off part!!! I look in the mirror and just see fat legs and big bum and no lean just wobble!! It puts me off training because i cant stand facing myself in the mirror... And then when im not in the mirror i cant focus on what in doing!!! Uggghhh

I just hate feeling how fluffy n puffy i am... Im a lot less puffier than i was a week ago but the standard i set for myself just knocks me down.

I know I'm just being a dick too but i cant help how i FEEL ... i think I'm just having one of those days where im finding shit to get pissed off at. I found it so hard focusing in the gym tonight...  I kept looking out to see where the fuck josh was and i wasted about an hour just fucking around!!! Arg this is so frustrating compared to how obsessed and focussed i used to be in the gym.. Now i struggle to even finish my set because i just give up because i 'cant feel it working' or feel to fat. Everyone keeps saying to use that as my motivation but it doesn't motivate me like that!!! Feeling fat usually makes me want to suppress my feelings in food.
When i refer to myself as fat.. I don't mean i think in fat.. Its just this gross feeling where i can feel the extra weight in carrying on body parts I'm not happy about and i seem to focus on nothing but them.

All my food was spot on... Except when i got to about 4pm.. I was home alone and made some protein ice cream w a banana, almond butter, cacao nibs.
I finished it and was not satisfied and was just peckish and bored so i got a spoon and finished the rest of the almond butter and the last scoop of my peanut butter. Fuck!!! I came to and realized i was mindlessly eating.   Lucky i caught it then before it turned into an all right binge!!! I threw the jars out and face palmed myself... I think i was just gutted I'd let myself down and hadn't been 'perfect' today... Then i clicked at how i still subconciously hold into that perfectionism trait. But i felt i delt with it better and didn't let it turn into a full force binge.

So... Dragged myself to the gym and yea thatssss where it kinda went downhill... Its so uncomfortable training when you are 10kg heavier than you used to be :(

Ah well hopefully my partner finishes soon so i can go home to bed and try again tomorrow!

X Sam

Days 6 & 7; 21 protein shots & a side of teppan-yaki

Weekend's are weird for me... usually it's a mixture of heightened anxiety and just the overwhelming feeling that I should be doing something but I don't know what it is, so I stress out over absolutely nothing. I think it's just a weird female mentality.

ALSO, the weekend used to provide overwhelming anxiety revolving around 'food'.
Seeing as I'm so used to dieting ALL week, I get to the weekends hanging out for my cheat meal; leading into an all-right binge.. I struggle to just 'enjoy some of that' or 'enjoy some of this'
There's me, the food, my mouth and that's about all the night involves until I food coma.

SO - this weekend, being it my 21st birthday; I proposed a challenge to myself.
Go out for dinner.
Get through the weekend with no binges.
ENJOY a little bit of this, little bit of that.
Don't stress about your weight.
Enjoy company with Josh & Family.

And ya know what? I can safely say I ticked each one of those boxes.
I made a CONCIOUS effort to think before I ate; and made sure I KNEW that I was eating this to make me feel good, not to make me suppress emotions. I think becoming aware of your emotional eating habits is the first step to making change, and I feel a lot stronger now knowing what my triggers are.

I'm actually a bit of a birthday grinch to be honest.. Fucking hate the things. Mostly because all my birthdays have either given me anxiety, left me in tears etc. Same with Christmas (Anybody with split families knows how messy this can get!) BUT - I thought, fuuuck it. I've had the hardest year of my life and I damn well just want a day to myself to enjoy!

SO.. on arrival to work at the Isupps store, Josh had completely covered the stock in balloons and left me a series of clues hiding around the room... Which I thought I was prettttty good at guessing lol, and in the last one he had written me the most beautiful letter, and also a handmade voucher (which I was impressed because he's not exactly picasso) for a spending spree!!! I have ALWAYS wanted someone to do a treasure hunt for me.. and he bloody did it!! I've never had such a stupid smile on my face the whole time!! The letter made me cry too.. I honestly wouldn't be where I am today without my man, and I owe a lot to him; He's seen me at my worst, and he still sticks by my side and see's me as the strongest woman he knows- and for that I'm very blessed.

Then I had bloody flowers delivered; two lots! One from Josh, and one from my beautiful best friends and bosses; Tiare and James. I take a lot for granted.. and I struggle to ask for things, or receive gifts.. but I've never felt so loved in my life and I'm so thankful for having these beautiful people who love and support me no matter what!! I would give these guys the skin off my back!

Seeing as I'm a health and fitness fanatic, I came home to a homemade cake.. a cake made out of a whole watermelon!! Hahaha.. All Josh's idea too he claimed, I was so impressed! Mum had decorated it with lots of berries and yummy things! I smiled ear to ear, knowing the support I had around me on the lifestyle I have chosen is so strong!! Some family members came over, and brought around plates of sweet treats. This is an obstacle for me; saying no and walking away. I gave in, but I made sure I just enjoyed it and didn't feel guilty; and only stuck to one of each treat. Heck, it's my birthday - I'm going to enjoy it! But I'm not going to make myself feel sick :)

Me and Josh went out for Teppan-Yaki; going out for dinners been a biiiig hurdle of mine recently because I'm very selfish when it comes to food; I like to sit at home and binge and have all the power with food I can; until it takes over me.
But - I faced a hurdle, went out for dinner, ENJOYED every bite... and reminded myself how lucky I am to have such great company and such a beautiful man at my side. I felt really strong after tea, not physically but mentally, as I had just faced one of my biggest demons and overcome it this time!

Coming home, I was a bit ravenous... I could have reached for the rice cakes and just over-done EVERYTHING, instead I had a few sweet treats that were left; and just made a conscious effort to tell myself I wasn't going to feel bad about it in the morning.

AAAAAAAND, I woke up - HUNGRY!! Usually on a Saturday night I couldn't face food on a Sunday because of the sheer amount I'd eaten that night before... but this night was different. I hadn't deprived myself, and I hadn't binged... maybe I'm onto something here!!! I felt really weird.. as if, I'd done something and missed out on something? But I just kept going and brushed it off today.
The day after a treat day or night is always hard.... I have to consciously remember not to keep snacking and to cook clean meals, I always seem to crave fats on a Sunday (peanutterrrbutterrr) ... So I just made a small dessert using my protein powder and almond butter and I feel good about that.

I didn't train over the weekend; I was going to get up early Sat morning and go for a run but we slept through our alarm; I thought my anxiety would have peaked because I hadn't trained and was going to be having treat night... but I just brushed it off as best I could, and got through my day eating clean.

Boredom is a biggie for me.. seriously, when I'm bored I could just eat and eat and eat and eat.. I try justify it as a 'fun' thing to do. So I've been trying really hard to keep myself busy!!

I had such a lovely weekend, and I can honestly admit it. Instead of saying 'it was OK' and lying, I'm going to say I was actually really happy!
1 whole week with NO bad food, no deprivation and no crazy diets and no binges! Happy lady.

BABY STEPS at a time.. I know I will face hurdles, but I know I'm in a better space to try and deal with them now as they come!

Thankyou all, I hope you had a good weekend too! :)

Sam xx