Day 13; The peanut butter keeps staring at me!!

I'm writing this now because I have this horrible wave of anxiety.
I've just gotten home from work, and was hungry so I made a bowl of salad.. Then I was still nibblish so I made a large wholegrain seed cracker w organic nut butter and honey. Thheeennn another one.. I don't know why I feel bad about eating in.. I feel a bit gross because I haven't done any exercise today either so I don't feel I deserved them maybe?
Its Saturday night which means its usually treat night for me... Used to be cheat but I have resorted to treat. I have this urge to just keep nibbling on food... And I know its cos I'm bored but I cant force myself to think of anything other than food!!! Uggggh this controls me so much. I am planning on having some chicken for tea maybe salad and then make my treat of cookie dough protein because im craving it hard out... In struggling w this 'little bit of this n that' mentality because i am used to eating the same foods day in n day out... I feel like anything diff i put in my body has made me blown out 1 billion kg.. I know this is all in my head... In not stupid, i know its not real but the actual feeling you get... The dark, empty skin ripping feeling where you hate yourself so much...

I'm not going to give in to a binge.
I know I will just feel shit.
Im going to do my best and just enjoy the foods I have planned.
I may feel like shit after and feel yucck tomorrow for not exercising or doing cardio in 2 days but I'm not willing to give in to this pain... I don't want to be held prisoner of how i look and the obsession to be thin. I will break out of this.

One day at a time...

Meals so far today;
Meal 1: 1/2c rice flakes and 3 egg whites
Meal 2: 1/2c rice flakes and 30g whey w LSA and nut butter and blueberries (kinda turned into rice pudding)
Meal 3: 1/2c brown rice, 150g chicken, lettuce
Meal 4: slaw mix, 1/4c black beans, 1/4c peanuts, Greek yoghurt n low cal sweet chilli
Then 2x seed cakes w tbsp almond butter and tsp honey and cacao nibs

That's where I am so far... Wish me luck.
I feel a bit better writing out what I ate... But still mind blows me how something " off the plan " fucks me up so bad and makes me feel like I have failed.

I know I haven't and i know I'm just being a dick... But the mental reality you create for yourself can be the most demonic and self sabotaging thing out.

May I pray to the gods of will power and strength!!

X sam