A choice for change

Well, I'm sitting here thinking "Jesus, where do I even carry on with this"
But I suppose a good place would be to start, from where I started this year, and where I am now. And the various mental challenges I have faced, along with my honest and most truthful opinion and feelings towards the matter.

I write this for me.
Seriously, I can get myself in SUCH a slump sometimes - but writing this is giving me clarity. Giving me purposes, like I said at the start; I'm putting together the pieces.

I started off this year the COMPLETE opposite of my obsessive exercising self; I was doing NO training whatsoever, living in my gypsy pants, eating nutella in wraps and peanut butter on toast daily. I was unemployed, sleeping all day, fending for myself financially and just completely lost.
The only good thing at the TIME that I had was a home with no anxiety, and my wonderful partner that is still with me today. I was oblivious, and unwilling to accept any help from the outside.

This lazy lifestyle led to me just not having that 'passion' for training. I was embarrassed. I'd put on so much weight, I was far to freaking embarrassed to set foot in a gym. None of my old clothes fitted and I just felt like balling into tears. I cried about this on a daily basis. I even took a cycle of Clenbuterol, in hopes that I would get skinny. I was looking for the easy shortcut; I was addicted to fat burners (which I now realise were just a substitute for my drugs) - Which I would smash daily, in order to try suppress my appetite. It would work, I wouldn't eat all day but around 7pm the binge would start and I'd be smashing back icecream, toast, wraps anything with bread. I was doing it because I was so mad at myself for getting into the situation. I had no self control over this; and I was afraid I was slipping into my old binge habits.

I was put onto anti depressants, to try balance my mood swings and they helped heaps.
When someone says they are depressed, it can be hard to know how to react and how to help.
It's the deepest sadness, the most dark and cloudy feeling; You feel nothing, you feel there is nothing and there's absolutely no point. You can't see the help, you just see the bottom of the hole you are falling down.

From the Anorexia, I've had complications that are due to the way I mentally WIRED myself in that stage of my life.
I find it hard to make decisions, I can be a compulsive liar, I like keeping secrets about things, I like to delve into what I shouldn't know - Always gaining too much information, which was a bad habit to have and lost me many friends and family members due to my ignorance. I could only give enough energy for myself, but even then I was ignoring anything important I actually needed to focus on. I'd just sit on facebook all day and push myself further into that negative slump.

It was time to take action.

I started, SLOWLY, going back to the gym again.
It was so hard, I'd look in the mirror and want to burst into tears. I couldn't stop looking at how fat I was. I'd do 3 minutes of the treadmill and just want to get off and go and eat something in despair.
I tried to put myself on a 'diet' as such, eating intuitively and what I felt like. Falafel, wraps, cheese, tomato's, avocado's, toast, banana, chicken, salad.

I look back at all this now; And my body actually needed this break, MENTALLY more than anything. It was hard, but at least I wasn't driving myself into my Anorexic ground hole. But, I am all or nothing so of course it went the other way with WEIGHT GAIN. Why couldn't I just be BALANCED???? Why couldn't I fit my old jeans??? WHY WHY WHY WHY was ALL I would ask myself.


I stuck with fluffing around in the gym, and I slimmed down about 3-4kgs, which even THAT was hard - goes to show how much shit my metabolism has been through.
I was doing more or less freelance photography, hanging with my partner and experiencing the world as is. I had been drug free for at least 3 months, and I was feeling the chemical imbalances. I would seek anything from pre-workouts to turbo's to try and get a high.

I struggled to be motivated to train, I was constantly high on drugs when I was training in 2012 - and then when I stepped foot into a gym this year. I didn't know what to do. I felt horrible, weird, foreign. I just wanted to leave.
What had I gotten myself into???
I KNEW everything I had to do, I'd done it before when I had started comp prep in 2012 and 'pulled out' - but I just didn't want to fucking do it. I was looking for every single excuse in the book.

I slowly started shaping up, and finally I was feeling a little bit better. A little more confident. Still not confident enough to wear shorts though, which made me sad, I just hid in my gypsy pants all day at home. It's not a nice feeling, feeling ashamed of your body.

I found a job, at Cityfitness. Probably one of the best things that had happened to me to date;
I had routine, and had a bit more purpose than just sitting at home thinking myself into my own wee hell hole. Everything happened at once from here, from working long days I wasn't at home to be binging, I was forced away from my food and forced to think and work hard to distract myself, it was mentally draining - and really left no time for 'me time'. I had no recollection of what 'me' time was - I can't physically remember the last time I wasn't worrying about something or driving myself further into a hole. I was always, ALWAYS, looking for a problem to consume me.
The mental tiredness from over-working drove me to the edge; I got sick of people, and it took a toll on my relationship. It's hard, for a partner, to sit on the side and see this happen to somebody you love.

Then, out of the blue, I needed purpose.
I decided to compete.
For me, to challenge me and to prove myself I could do it. I have a habit of overloading myself with shit, and this was going to be a case. But, competing was the goal. And its the goal I have always wanted to do and tick off my list.
I consulted my best friend, my trainer and life coach; Shane. I owe everything to this man, he showed me how capable how I was, and had trust and belief in me that I COULD do it.
My total comp prep took 19 weeks;
When I say 'comp prep' I mean I was eating 6 meals a day every 3 hours, protein, limited carbs but still keeping carbs in, veges and a few healthy fats (I struggled to give up my peanut butter)
I slowly had introduced my training, it was BLOODY hard to motivate myself. I can tell you now, I had days when I just couldn't be fucked putting in the work. I'd literally get to the gym, do one set of something and just think "Fuck this!" I wasn't feeling any results, I felt like I was wasting my time, SO I'd just go sit on the couch or go outside and lie on the ground and cry.

This went on for the first 7 weeks of my prep. The diet wasn't too hard, it was just lots of Chicken, Rice, Oats, Protein, Rice cakes, Casein pudding etc.
Slowly as my body weight started dropping, I noticed myself becoming more and more obsessed with how I looked. I was very sensitive to it, had to feel like a certain way each day other wise I 'wasn't on track'. I would check myself daily in the mirrors, constantly be fretting; This was just a bi-product of my Anorexia.

The thing that annoys me, is how people say "Oh it's driving you mentally insane"!
"You shouldn't be doing this, it's not healthy"
"You should eat more carbs" ETC ETC...
You are entitled to your opinion. I don't really care to be honest. I know this is mentally insane for me, because I am a recovering Anorexic. I chose this path, I seeked the best advice and am being guided by someone who TRUSTS me and I TRUST them with my body; This is the biggest thing EVER.
I know I was driving myself into the wall, I'm completely aware of how messed my mind got - it was my choice. I was in control entirely. I was doing the BEST with what I had, at that point in time. I had a goal, and I wasn't going to give in. I respect everyone's choice for 'looking out for me' - but I was willing to do anything and everything to get on that stage.
I needed to challenge the monkey. It was calling my name.

My cardio sessions increased, and my carbs slowly dropped off week by week.
It is amazing looking back at my comp prep now - because it literally blurred into one biigggg mush. I remember defining moments, but It is quite confusing for me when looking back.
I DO however, remember how my obsession with my legs came back.
And it's still here to this day. I'm honestly so self conscious of them, I hate how chunky they get and I literally feel like ripping my skin off some days.

It was 10 weeks out, and I couldn't believe how far I'd come.
All that worrying that I wasn't on track, Literally every week before my check up and weigh in I would get the WORST anxiety, thinking that I wouldn't get a cheat meal and that I wouldn't be able to have my binge that evening; That I would want to do it even if I wasn't allowed. It was the fear of betraying myself. I wanted to make that weigh in so bad, and I did every single week.

Cheat meals were a funny one for me; because of my emotional attachment for food. I wouldn't want to go out to dinner, I'd get anxiety that I wouldn't be able to eat all the food and that I'd be 'missing out on something'. It's the same if I was at home - it was the overwhelming decision of what to eat, that I'd eat it all and just gorge myself until I felt utterly ill, only to wake up feeling like shit the next day. My Sundays were carb free, so by Monday I was feeling fine.

My diet during comp prep was all not roses and petals; seriously, during the week usually on a Wednesday or Monday I would juuuust break and need some food. And it would get to the desperation that I would actually go out of my way down to the shops, buy a packet of rice cakes and peanut butter and honey and just EAT THEM ALL. Literally, in an hour. The afternoon and evening was a right off at work and I would skip my training that evening because I felt so shit.
It was hard to turn it off when I got home, I felt like I'd fucked everything so I'd just go picking at all the food, finding excuses and ways to 'eat'.
So much food, so little time, such lack of desire to gain weight.
Doesn't really work does it?

3 weeks out of comp was the hardest for me - I'd cry for no reason. I had literally just HAD enough. But my partner kept the belief in me that I could do it.
I couldn't get my posing right, I would see myself in the mirror and only ever think of how shit I looked.
I absolutely hated it. I would just burst into tears because I was embarrassed, and nobody knew how to help me. I knew how to help my self, but I didn't want to. It was easier to just let the guilt and hate flow in. It took no effort, it was just consuming.

A week out from comp came - and I could see the light.
It was depletion week, so that meant no carbs, water loading and diuretics. A lot of trainers and coaches will stick their nose up at this, saying it's unhealthy. I didn't care. I had faith in my coach as he was going to get me into my best shape ever, and this is what needed to be done in that final week to get me there.

I had lost a total of around 12kg from when I started, and gone from my heaviest at the start of the year of 26%bf, to my start of comp prep, 19% to my comp weight and %, 13% and 59kg.

Getting on stage, was literally the most empowering and beautiful thing I've experienced. I finally stood on stage; and I had a proud 'Murphy' moment.
I stood on stage, I fucking did it.
And I'd done everything IN MY POWER to do it right this time.
No more lies. No more shortcuts. Just powered through the hard work, which was the hardest thing I've done in my life.

Breaking through an addictive personality, breaking through body image disorder, eating disorder, and actually be able to FOLLOW A PLAN without letting your own self corrupt you; Was unbelievable. I'd put full trust into my trainer, and made it.

I don't ever want to stray or push anyone that's reading this away from competing.
DO IT. It's the most amazing experience, and pushes you in every way possible.
It's not easy, but I can promise you, if you are wanting to challenge yourself in all ways - it is so worth it.
Your going to get hate, your going to get opinions, your going to get pushed and shoved; even by yourself at sometimes. Wherever you go, your skin only grows thicker and the wounds only heal.

It's not cut out for everyone, not everyone makes it. Some people compete once and never compete again, "Oh, I'm not doing that it's so unhealthy and it ruined my body and metabolism."
No, it didn't, you did. Hold yourself accountable. Be realistic. Know your worth.
Too often we lay blame, gosh I used to lay blame on everyone and everything for my body. But I realised; that I'm actually in control the whole time. To either walk away, or keep on powering through.

You may be blind, you may not have all the knowledge in the world - but if you've got the heart and faith in yourself; Then you'll make it.

Post comp has been a different bag of marbles for me... And I think this is going to be one worthy of a fresh blog entry, as I know a lot of you will benefit from reading how mentally disturbing this time can be.

Seriously, just writing this has made me wake the fuck up. If an unemployed, depressed, recovering anorexic and BDE victim can make it to stage; you bloody well can too.
Just TRY.


Thank you once again for reading.

X Sam