I've been keeping myself busy, which has led to distracting myself about my weight and where I am currently at. I'm still pretty self conscious about my legs... don't like my quads or my bum atm! But I'm looking forward to slowly leaning them out and toning them up... healthily.
I've always been one of those people who lets their anxiety get to them. The amount of times I've cancelled on people, not picked up my phone, lied, not shown up to something or made excuses because of my anxiety is ridiculous.. and I'm only starting to admit it. It stops me from doing so much!!! I'm so sick of living in fear... but I know its going to take time to chip away at each of these things and isin't going to happen all at once.
I still to this day struggle to pick up my phone from anxiety.
I crossed one barrier this morning, exercising with somebody else.
I usually get such bad anxiety that I won't be able to get in my zone, get my workout done, burn enough calories, I have to socialize, I have to talk.. but none of that happened. Me and a good friend, Margaret went and did the stairs. She asked how many times I go up, I said 5. When really I do 3. haha.
So, headphones in and we smashed out 5 + 10 squat jumps at the top of each climb - haha, I did 5!! Boombbb. Mind over matter, huh? Thanks Marg, I don't think you know how out of my comfort zone I got, it was great to see you x
So movinggggggggg on, did my errands for the day - was supppper hungry and hadn't packed my meals ( I need to be more proactive here ) so I stopped at the supermarket and bought cottage cheese, LSA mix, walnuts, blueberries and mushed it all together! SUCESSSS!
I'm slowly building back a healthy relationship with food, I can feel it :)
I've been eating off smaller plates too try control my portions.. and taking my own advice seems to be working for once! Maybe I should do this more often haha.
Then the day has kinda gone to shit.
I dropped my new phone (LG G2) on the concrete and completely fucked up the screen.
SO pissed off at myself, was like my first responsibility besides a kitten and I fucking broke it!! ARG, It's amazing how emotionally attached I was to it.. I cried over it lol. All my photos, All my work, AFOSFHISUDHFISDUHFISUDHFISUDHFUIS
I think I more or less cried over the fact I'm paying 89 bucks a month for nothing now.. my own fault. Funnily enough I got the "I told you so" .. I said that to myself too lol. "You told yourself so" haha.
I'm kinda working for myself atm too... So financially I'm in a shit hole and need to be more proactive.
I seriously just despise working for people, it doesn't mix well with my personality. I'm terrible at taking orders and just go and do my own thing or try and break the rules. I'll be the first to admit I get to apoint where I nearly get fired my job and I'll just quit. I still struggle with figuring this out.. so for now, It's up to me to be accountable for getting design and photography work freelance. It's hard... but I am very lucky to have a partner and a family who does there best to help out.
So I'm lying here on my bed after a big wah about my phone realizing I can't get it fixed under warranty. So for all those reading this - don't text me.
Really need to start sorting my shit out!! I find I prioritize on stupid shit, and don't focus on the basics... so I'm going to try and get the basics right one at a time. I can talk out of my assssss and motivate a baby to walk but I couldn't for the life try and help myself haha.
One day at a time.
One baby step at a time.
No photos today because no phone.. Wah :(
Thank fucking god it's Friday lol.
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