https://www.facebook.com/LouiseGlamour
I swear having a tan makes life that much better lol.
Didn't get up to to my cardio this morning :( Woke up at 630 and felt like I had been hit by a bus! Maybe it's just my head being stupid or maybe I need earlier nights... anywho I got up to eat breakfast and felt a lil guilty for not doing cardio when I commited 'last night' to do doing so... need to start following through! It's hard to not put too much pressure of myself.
I had a few vouchers from my birthday and Xmas so I used these to buy some new hair products to keep my new blonde doooo in good shape and also some new compression tights and a few t-shirts! I love clothhhheesss haha! I literally threw out 5 bags of clothes the other day.. someone less fortunate than me is gonna be happy lappy haha!
Food today was good.. But physically, I felt like a whale.. because I didn't go for a run or anything my legs felt wayyyy jigglier and fatter than usual.. it was gross :( I hate this feeling!
Meal 1; 1/2c steel cut oats; 30g whey
Meal 2; 150gms chicken; 1/2c buckwheat, lettuce, walnuts
Meal 3; 1 organic seed cracker; 1tbsp sunflower/pumpkin seed/almond butter, 1/3c buckwheat
Meal 4; Protein shake
Meal 5; 150gms chicken, Green salad w Crushed nuts + apple cider vinegar
Meal 6; 30g whey, 2tbsp coconut flour, 1tsp nut butter, 1 tsp honey, handful of cacao chips
... Meal 7... was a second serving of Meal 6.. woops :/ This has left me feeling a bit shit... I got into an emotional spin and got so angry I went and made it and ate it crying. FML. I spose it could have been worse...
Because I felt like SUCH a fuggen whale I really couldn't be fucked training. I was NOT in the mood, I felt disgusting. What's the point.
I tried a few leg exercise to let out my fury on my legs, but the more I saw my reflection in the mirror... the more I hated myself. I felt like just sitting down and crying.
My partner must have sensed a plea of help, I'm so reluctant to EVER ask for help - I think I have all the answers lol. He suggested I train shoulders, so I followed his orders and he pushed me through a shoulder workout.. probably the hardest I've been pushed in a while and I thank him for that!! It was great, I'm going to get him to push me like this more often until I have found confidence again to train myself. His encouragement and motivation yelling in my face really helped too haha. Beast mode murphy... Slowly getting there. I don't know why, I get embarrased because I think he thinks I'm stupid for not knowing how to train properly lol. Weird girl mentality I think.
So, leaving the gym I felt that release of endorphins and forgot about my legs for a bit!! Yay!!
I KNOW its going to take time for them to come down... it's just so freaking frustrating not being where you want to be... I seem to think It is given easily without realising the hard work I need to put in.. partially my lazy side that comes out here! Shortcutting everything!
Everything was good until I had a fight with mum, then I went and made a second helping of that cookie dough I make. FUCK. I feel yuck and bloated now... maybe it's all in my head? I don't know.. I'm trying to brush it off, but it is the second time I've gone back for seconds of it.. Maybe I should just leave it to a weekend treat to elimiate the factor of having it after tea every night??
Feeling pretty fluffy and gross atm :/ But I always feel like this at night after all my food... for some reason it feels like all the food I've eaten has just stuck to my body. It's so gross... It is heightened the more I pay attention to it and the more I ahte it, I know. It becomes more my reality. And when Im distracted. I forget.
But I can't go my whole life being 'distracted' ... I need to face the problem once and for all.
Once again, it's that balance thing. I'm still finding it hard to give myself some slack, because I really want to lose weight.. but I really want to enjoy things too.. ugh haha. Can't have your cake and eat it, I've thought about doing IIFYM but I don't want to be obsessed with counting my macros.. I think that would fuel my Anorexia if anything. So I'm working and chipping away at listening to my body and finding out what the flop it's tryyyying to tell me!!
It's been good tho - I've been 12 whole days without binge mentality. I've felt it come along, but I've stopped it at my second helping. Even tho I feel gross and unhappy about my weight at some points in my day, I havent' let it turn into an all down right binge. So I'm quite proud of that!
Baby steps to happiness, right? I don't expect to just wake up and completely love myself over night... I know this 'thing' is going to take some time.
Thanks for being with me so far x
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