Sometimes, foods not ALL of my problems. Thank goodness (It feels like it some days)
My foods been spot on today, which is good considering my emotions are all up in the air - so, I'm taking that as a positive! Usually I would try and immerse myself in food to hide how I'm feeling, but I've let it all rush out today.
I went for my first run/walk 'thing' in ages this morning around the park, I was exxtreeeemley apprehensive about going.. anybody that used to be able to run a 1/2 marathon in 1:29 will know how frustraing it is now to not be able to run 200m without dying and feeling like a heffalump! But hey; got to start from somewhere! I was glad I managed to push through the run/walk combo till the end and didn't take any shortcuts like I usually do!
I am feeling good, mainly on the inside this morning. Feeling positive about how I'm looking, and having faith in the process for once. It's only the beginning and I KNOW it's going to get tougher and tougher, but If I'm feeling good, I'm going with it haha.
Lunch time came around annnd after a photoshoot I did at the gym (yes, I'm a freelance photographer) I realised I hadn't really prepped any meals for today! BIG NO NO!
This COULD have been a chance for sushi... it crossed my mind! But I drove myself all the way to the supermarket starving, walked straight past all the treats I would usually buy and got some cottage cheese, avocado, almonds and a small fruit salad. Problem solved!
Then a wall just hit me this afternoon.
It usually just takes a few triggers of a negative attitude of someone around me, who isin't intentionally trying to take a stab at me but I let my guard down and it feels like it.
So, this hit me and I just crumbled. Have you ever had that feeling, when you can't even describe the emotion you just want to cry and cry. I cried and cried.. it was such a deep sadness that came from within, and I'm tracing it back to me trying to suppress a lot of stuff as of late regarding the miscarriage. My partner wasn't having the best day... So I couldn't console to him for comfort, it was going to be up to me... I sat on the ground for about an hour just in a mess, everything, literally everything just came crashing down on my heart at once and I couldn't bear it. I stormed up, and instead of just going to lie down in the park I went for a walk up my fave steps. Only did it two times, but it was enough to feel the fresh breeze against my face, and the sunlight on the back of my neck. I sat down at the top of the stairs, and just breathed. Just stopped. I felt good.
I'm still in a weird mood writing this... I don't like it when there's tension in a relationship of mine with friends or partner, especially when I'm so far gone emotionally and really struggling.. it pushes me over the edge. I struggle with voicing how I feel, but writing this has made me more at peace... I don't have all the answers to peoples problems, but I do have a pretty good pair of ears to listen!!
I just went for a walk before to the park near my house, which is so beautiful. I sat there with my headphones in with my face on the grass and just cried for a bit. It felt.. refreshing? I don't know, I don't even know but I'm telling you this anyway because it happened and I need to vent!!! ARG I don't know WHY I'm feeling like this, esp when I've been on a roooolll of positivity lately, but I am wary that I'm going to have good AND bad days, and I must be prepared to face the demons either way.
Over & Out for today,
Sam x
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