Day 14; Sunday naps and mindless munching

Ok so I've just woken up from a nap. I've struggled with food this afternoon.. I didn't eat anything shit, but once again it was my portion control that got out of hand and the fact I nearly started a binge again... I felt that "wave of no power" coming along and the part where you brain ticks over into the 'eat eat eat' mode.. It started with my blooooddyyy protein cookie dough w cacao nibs again, I had one serving and was like "meeeh, It's sunday and I'm going to try really hard this week so I'll have some extra.. ya know, this is the last time I'll have it till next weekend"
So thheeeere, the all or nothing mentallity crept in. I made a second serving... even bigger tablespoon of honey and even bigger tablespoon of peanut butter. Then I went onto my organic crackers.. 1 with big hunk of honey and almond butter, theeen.. another with another big hunk of everything.

Okay. Stop.
I had to forcefully say out loud.
STOP. Before this gets too bad. I could tell it was going to.
So I went to lay down and had a sleep.
I have woken up, feeling pretty bloated. Not sure if it's in my head, but then again I do think it's from my 'monthly' which I think I have gotten today, does anybody who's had a miscarriage know if you get irregular bleeding for a while after? I'm a bit puzzled because this is defo not my normal cycle.
Any advice would be nice thanks :)

Last night for my treat after my anxiety wore off I had some precooked chicken w teriyaki sauce and mayo and avocado. For sweet treat I went a Lil over board.. I kept going back to make 3 helpings of my FitMiss whey cookie dough. There could b worse things i ate but i still got mad at myself that i couldn't just enjoy one bowl. I'm not even on comp prep god i have no idea why i sabotage myself like this. Blergh. Ya know that fat puffy feeling you get after your mind says "too much" .. Yes i had that.

I went for a wee run/walk this morning after my sleep in.. I fought with my mind a bit to do it, but I thought fuck I don't need to try run a marathon. Just go bound around the streets and go for a walk and get OUTSIDE. So I did that. Didn't push myself. just took my time. I knew if I tried pushing myself I would have gotten frustrated because I had set this standard up sooo high that I should be able to run 5km in under 20 min real fast like I used to.
Errrrm, no. Good luck w that murphy you are 20kg heavier than that old running runt you used to be.

I miss being that fit.. so I'm going to try get back there the 'healthy' way and fuel my body accordingly, and aim for 'fitness' not aesthetics. Aesthetics just fucks my head up and I always stress about how I'm looking..

Been angry at my legs after my run... they are so huge compared to what they were.. it's my one body part I actually just despise so much :( It sucks, I know some people would kill for bigger legs like mine but If I'm going to be honest it really sucks not being able to fit jeans or your old summer shorts and having to wear tights to hide the cellulite you've gained.
I don't know why I care so much but I just do.

My first two meals were real good. oats and protein for breakky and then chicken salad and rice for lunch about 3pm after we did the groceries.

I hate Sundays for some reason.
I seem to get swamped full of anxiety for no particular reason; I have this feeling I should be 'doing something' and I can't find out what it is, so I'm constantly on edge and just cant relax for 10 mins. I'll get in a mad grump and find everything and anything about myself to sabotage.
My partner is amazing, in making me come to grips with myself and recognize the signs and what I need to work on. So I'm thankful for his support and understanding with my fucking crazy brain.

ANYWAY.
I've actually set some goals for myself this week.
1. Bring a bit more structure into my week.
2. Train everyday no matter how little.
3. Set my alarm at 6-15 and GET UP no matter how tired I am, once I get going I'm fine.
4. Enjoy the wedding on the 2nd and have no anxiety around food etc.

I've written myself out a meal plan to follow, so I'm going to go back to prepping my meals again the night before to avoid me over thinking too much.
Fasted cardio walk/sprints; (I'm going to start sprinting, I get bored of running way too fast)
Meal 1 @ 7-30am - 1/2c rice flakes w 30g whey or 3x egg whites
Meal 2 @ 10-30am - 1/2c rice flakes w 3x egg whites + tsp LSA
Meal 3 @ 1-30pm - 150gms chicken, 1/2c rice, veges or salad
Meal 4 @ 4-30pm - 150gms beef schnitzel, tomatoes, cucumber & 10 almonds or seed mix.
Meal 5 POST W/O - 30g Whey Isolate w water
Meal 6 @ 8-30pm - 150gms white fish + salad OR 150g chicken + salad OR 6x egg white omelette (depends what I can be assed cooking when home?)

I'm going to ease myself back into what I was eating before I got pregnant, and just slowly change things round. For now this is what I'm eating and I just need to work on the TIMING and being more proactive with timing of my meals instead of being unprepared.

Lets see how I go with this :) I season all my meals really nicely w garlic, organic herb seasoning, himylayan salt, curry powder, rosemary, oregano etc etc and cook w coconut oil. Try to stay organic where possible, my body feels a lot better for it!

Wish me luck :-)
XO
Sam