Day 8; Death by peanut butter

K.. So I'm just sitting here at the gym fucked off.. I think its the fact my partner came late to the gym which means i have to wait because i have finished before we go do groceries.. I don't even know why I'm fucked off i just hate being spun out of my routine and waiting for people. I tried to pass time by doing cardio but i got on the treadmill and reached 13 mins then got off because i wasn't feeling a burn and my legs felt so fat i hate it!!!! Shouldn't that motivate you to keep going??? My mind just wandered off so far i just got off.
I hate this starting off part!!! I look in the mirror and just see fat legs and big bum and no lean just wobble!! It puts me off training because i cant stand facing myself in the mirror... And then when im not in the mirror i cant focus on what in doing!!! Uggghhh

I just hate feeling how fluffy n puffy i am... Im a lot less puffier than i was a week ago but the standard i set for myself just knocks me down.

I know I'm just being a dick too but i cant help how i FEEL ... i think I'm just having one of those days where im finding shit to get pissed off at. I found it so hard focusing in the gym tonight...  I kept looking out to see where the fuck josh was and i wasted about an hour just fucking around!!! Arg this is so frustrating compared to how obsessed and focussed i used to be in the gym.. Now i struggle to even finish my set because i just give up because i 'cant feel it working' or feel to fat. Everyone keeps saying to use that as my motivation but it doesn't motivate me like that!!! Feeling fat usually makes me want to suppress my feelings in food.
When i refer to myself as fat.. I don't mean i think in fat.. Its just this gross feeling where i can feel the extra weight in carrying on body parts I'm not happy about and i seem to focus on nothing but them.

All my food was spot on... Except when i got to about 4pm.. I was home alone and made some protein ice cream w a banana, almond butter, cacao nibs.
I finished it and was not satisfied and was just peckish and bored so i got a spoon and finished the rest of the almond butter and the last scoop of my peanut butter. Fuck!!! I came to and realized i was mindlessly eating.   Lucky i caught it then before it turned into an all right binge!!! I threw the jars out and face palmed myself... I think i was just gutted I'd let myself down and hadn't been 'perfect' today... Then i clicked at how i still subconciously hold into that perfectionism trait. But i felt i delt with it better and didn't let it turn into a full force binge.

So... Dragged myself to the gym and yea thatssss where it kinda went downhill... Its so uncomfortable training when you are 10kg heavier than you used to be :(

Ah well hopefully my partner finishes soon so i can go home to bed and try again tomorrow!

X Sam