Day 16; 365 days of remembrance

Well, shit. I actually can't believe it's the end of the year lol where the fuck did that go? This time last year I was out in Springfield, in some of the most fucked up times of my life, was in the spa with my partner, Josh, looking into the sky and feeling the energy of the new year. The moon was huge, with the most powerful ring around it.. my spiritual side thrives off these things, and the feeling I got whilst shutting my eyes and having the wind caress my face was a reassuring step that this year I was going to face a lot of triumph and a lot of battle.

The start of the year, was probably the biggest battle for me. The depression I had sunk myself into would suffocate every aspect of my life- behind the smiley, crazy Murphy you saw was a girl who tried to commit suicide twice and who thought there was no point being here anymore.
I'm thankful for each and everyone of my friends and family, especially Josh, who carried me on their shoulders through that period.
Anyone who has been a finger thread close to commiting suicide knows that htis feeling is impossible to describe to anyone. You literally have hit the bottom of bottoms. It's like you see nothing, but this black sheet that is dropping faster and faster to your body and soul.
It's torture. It's death itself coming after you.

I competed this year too.
Something I honestly thought I NEVER could do, and I fucking done it.
I thought food would have too much of a hold of me and I put it in the too hard basket, an anorexic and binge eater could not compete.
But, I fucking did it. I done everything I could. I fucked up, I binged on my diet, I skipped trainings, I did all that useless shit but the main thing stands is that I GOT ON STAGE AND GOT TO SMILE. That's all I ever wanted.

So, my major hurdles and lessons I've learnt this year have brought me to such a high spiritual awakening, I do feel very in 'power'. I have my moments, but I'm just learning the in's and out's of this funny thing called life. Turning 21 this year was a huge creep-out for me. 21. Jesus. Haha. I know all you that are older than me will laugh at that but seriously isin't going up in numbers such a weird concept??

Trained legs today with Josh. This was a challenge, as I always put my guard up and put things in the too hard basket. I'll 'not feel it working' and lose focus and attention. I'll get angry at myself. And I'll think I'm useless and can't do something.
All of these things I want to work on. Time to get uncomfortable and see what I"m capable of instead of 'pretending' to be shit c**t.
Didn't do a lot of cardio today, just went for a walk and a few sprints this morning... Still struggling with moving how I want to with my legs being so much bigger than they used to... I get so frustrated and think whats the point so I'll just start walking.

Today was a good day for me, I had one of those 'fat days' however.
Okay, just need to clear something up too. When I say 'omg I feel fat' I don't mean that I think I'm horribly obese but, it's a biproduct of Anorexia and Body Dismorphia. The way I view myself, is completely different to how you view me. And you'll never be able to comprehend it, unless you spend a day in my mind.
Going from 12%BF to around 24% where I am now, is actually just mind fucking. It makes you feel like you've gained around 20kg, when in reality it's only 5-6 or 8. But it seriously feels like so much more, it feels like it's stuck to your skin, you can't get it off. It's uncomfortbale, and it's not meant to be there. It's come on SO fast that you haven't had time to comprehend or adjust, you can only repulsively look at it in disgust and want to rip your skin off.

That's how I feel.

Yes, I know I should 'love' my body.. I do love my body, for all it gives me. But I STILL face these battles when I get so fixated on parts of my body. I"m a lot better than I used to be, and I'm willing to put up a fight until the day I can be FREE.

I have had some treats tonight too.
I have eaten 100% clean today until just before, when I had a few pieces of licorique and some ferrero rochers... usually I don't even stray towards this stuff but I just ate it mindlessly, and I actually enjoyed it. It was nice to not feel inclined to eat the whole lot, I still am having a wee war in my head about going and eating more and I feel a picking binge coming on, but I'm going to do my best to fight it off and maybe just make a bowl (or two) of cookie dough. It's the end of the year for gods sake lol.

Still struggling with that "I'm not competing now, so I can relax a bit" because I don't really have the most accurate gauge on relaxing... my relaxing used to include me really not giving a fuck and going on an all right binge. "Careless" probably better for it lol and then I'd be left sitting in the gutter feeling like a fat asshole.

Yeaaaah, I'm pretty horrible to myself. I'm my own worst enemy at the best of times.

But something a good friend of mine said to me last night after reading one of my blogs, has really sunk in. Coming from somebody who has suffered with Anorexia for 20 years, I really look up to her as a fighter and a wise woman. She has knowledge I'll never have, and has endured suffering I never want to put myself through again. I love her for what she has taught me with just a few words.

So, for 2014?
I am going to define my OWN healthy.
I'm going to compare myself to ME and only ME, not the old me, but the me I am now and how I can better her.
I'm going to adventure more.
I'm going to be creative with my meals more.
I'm going to compete at some stage, and handle it better.
I'm going to start my own business.
I'm going to smile everyday and appreciate the 'simple' things more.

Yes I have the generic old goals that people set like "Lose 10kg" etc... but, none of those 'generic' goals will happen if I don't keep my core values strong.

I will focus on the basics first, then the rest will fall into place with hard work and commitment.

I wish you all a fab new years, I'm going to celebrate it with my partner, some more food and no anxiety. I've deserved a treat, not a binge. There is no place for it in my life anymore.
I am stronger than I was yesterday.

X Sam.

Here are my highlights from this year;