Beautifully Raw: Day(s) 17,18 & 19; A night to be remembered with a side of coconut cream pie

Wow!
What a couple of days.. I've been meaning to sit down to have a ramble about my thoughts but I've actually just been enjoying life these past couple of days!!

I've been with my partner out in Springfield for one of my best friends weddings :) These two; Shane & Angie I owe so much too... they are so generous, caring and I consider them family!! We trecked out to Springfield Motel & Lodge where the wedding reception was going to be held, the ceremony itself was going to be up at Castle Hill!

I was a little nervous initially... wedding. Food. Lots of food. Usually this triggers off a huuuuge anxiety freak out and I end up having social anxiety because I can't focus on what people are saying because I think about food.. Should I pack my meals? Should I be organized? Or should I just enjoy myself? Will I feel fat? I'm going to feel fat aren't I...

When we got there I had a meal of my protein cookie dough I had made to take away.. then I started feeling peckish as we were helping set up. Some DELICIOUS tortilla crisp's were being freshly made... white tortillas, coated in butter, sugar and cinnamon and then oven baked.
I ate around a whole bowl to myself and got so addicted to just making getting some of them my priority.. I'd put food over helping out for goodness sakes!! I was happy tho, I didn't feel deprived and they tasted REALLY good.
That kinda set off the "Food food, picky" mode... We drove down to Darfeild and got some takeaway meals from the pub, I just wanted some roast veges, I had a few of my partners chips and then some pumpkin pieces out of my roast veg but I wasn't very hungry because I'd been picking, I Just ate out of habit.
I felt prettttty bloated.. but tried to brush it off.
Shane offered me a drink.
I haven't drunk in 2 years or so now, so I was a little apprehensive.. I mean, I'm not competing.. Am I allowed?
I had one anyway. One vodka turned into me having about 5 or 6 and feeling preeeettty drunk... (Lightweight lol) .. It actually was nice, good company, feeling a lil buzzy and not worrying about the dumb shit I would usually worry about.

Had a good heart to heart to my partner in the hot tub too; A lot of things I need to work on this year.
A big one for me is taking responsibility with the small things (Rent, Food, Life basics etc) ... For SO long I've actually used my Anorexia as an 'excuse' to feel sorry for myself, well, that's how Josh put it. And he was right. Initially I was like, WTF I don't feel sorry for myself! But when I break it down, it's really all it is.
Anorexia has made me lose jobs. It has robbed me of friendship, of being able to be in social situations. And I still struggle with all these things today, not as much as a used to. Training and exercise would come before my work or school... I'd call in sick or skip school if I knew I was going to clash with a training session, and I'd go to train having the WORST anxiety.. What if I got caught!! Arg.
And this habit, is something I carry through with me today; still using that same obsession with food as my excuse. I've lost jobs too, because I don't perform well and don't listen because I'm too busy thinking about how I can get my hands on food.
I burst into tears, realising how LONG I've gone like this... I WAS sorry for myself. More for my soul, for putting it through this torture.

Alrighty, after my drunk cry it was time for bed; we had a big day tomorrow and I was doing the brides and bridesmaids makeup as well as being the Photographer!

It was actually so fun getting ready for the wedding!! I love doing makeup and have found a wee nieche for it and find it fun! I got up around 9am and made myself some breakfast that I had brought with me for the day; Oats and protein. Nice and simple. I felt a little groggy from the vodka the night before but hey, I was okay.

I felt a littttle nervous as to what dress to wear... I brought two options; One was a sleek black dress and the second, a maxi red one that was quite floaty.
I felt nervous because I wasn't happy with how I looked.. I"d been eating not too my plan for 3 days now so I was feeling pretty bloated and yucky as apposed to last week!! I feel like I'm going backwards :(
I opted for the red floaty one to hide any bits and so I could eat without being concious that my tummy wasn't flat... I felt better with that decision!
SO, all make up done, all getting ready stuff done, time to drive the beautiful flower girls to Castle Hill and join the rest of the party!! I got lots of compliments on my eyes and makeup and lashes wich was so nice.. took my mind away from the fact I felt gross on my body!! It's nice to pick out nicer points about yourself instead of thinking of the superficial bullshit.

The wedding was just gorgeous, I won't go into too much of it here as I think my pictures will speak more than words. I am so very happy for these two beautiful people in my life.

Coming back, I knew it would be food time... I was actually excited about eating some goooood food!! We were staying in Springfield again tonight so I could drink again because wouldn't have to drive home!

The food was amazing.. once again, buffeetttt.. got a lil anxious but then just thought FUCK IT! I'm here, with my great friends, I'm going to damn well enjoy this. I don't need to be skinny for anybody or anything right now. I want to live. THIS DOESNT MEAN I CAN BINGE.
SO, I didn't binge. I had a plate of those tortilla things with mango salsa, and then some sushi and thennnn Angie's mom had made apple pie and coconut cream pie.. COCONUT CREAM PIE! HOLY SHIT HOLLLLYS HIT honestly the BEST thing I have EVER EVER EVER tasted!!! I'm going to find this recipe lol!!! I had 3 slices of the damn thing and 2 of apple pie.. Woops!!! Haha. But they tasted amazing... I don't know why I couldn't stop at just 1... I had to just top it off a bit more I think to make sure I hadn't 'missed out' ..?

I had so much punch. Last night was possibly the drunkest I've been in 3 years... it was hilarious hahahaha. I actually had a really good time, YES, my 'new years' resolution was to be my healthiest, YES, I haven't been healthy over the past few days eating very relaxed, not training, and drinking alcohol. YES it's going to take a toll on my body.. I can feel it today, I'm groggy, blown out and feel pretty yucky!!! But, I must be responsible for this. I had a choice at the end of the day; but it meant more to me being able to 'party' and have fun with some of my best friends in my life who have given me nothing but all I'd ever need!!

We were so hammertime, the boys were hilarious, esp Josh (One with Aztec tattoo in photos) .. Hhaha, Ive never seen him drink like that so it was cool to know he was enjoying himself too!!

Well, we had to be in store at 9am this morning so it's a hour drive from Springfield to town, so we were up at about 6-45 to head home and shower etc. I slept on the floor of the shop out back for like 3 hours because I seriously thought I was going to fall asleep at the wheel.

I'm still pretty drained, haven't trained and have eaten today;
1/2c oats + 3 egg whites + cacao nibs
30g whey, 2tbsp coconut flour + cacao nibs and almond butter
Handful of scroggin
Few pieces of dark chocolate
Amino's

Soo, not much and kinda random amounts. But I've had sooo much food over the past couple of days!! I felt a bit confused as I didn't know if I should eat really clean today because I've had so many days off I adopted the "AHHH, fuck it, it doesn't matter it wont hurt you" Attitude... Errrmmm.. NO.

It's playing w my head a bit ,I havent taken any pics because I know that it will take me a few days of solid eating and training to balance back out to where I was. Trying my best to not let this get the better of me, as my main goal again is that I want to be able to "LIVE" without feeling guilt, and still reach my goals.

There will be the way.

Sam xx