Well.
Seriously.
Everyday atm I feel like I am just finding something new about myself, something I want to change, because I'm SICK of living day in and day out in anxiety. Sick of finding a problem in fucking well, everything.
Sometimes I feel, I shouldn't have the RIGHT to feel good, lifes not meant to feel that good, because I'm so used and comfortable for it being shitty. When really, it's all about perspective.
My brains so stupid.
I know all the answers to my problems, yet I'll skip and dance around the bloody things and just over think about over thinking until I've thought a cucumber into a watermelon. It's pretty fucking mental... I swear if anyone was in my head for a day they'd leap out in a few mins ahhaah!
I'm feeling a lil lost atm.. in all aspects of my life. Esp "fitness wise"
I'm still latched on to wanting to be "small" and wanting to be "light and lean" .... Seriously, I'd do anything to get there except maybe diet and exercise bahahaha. Joking. But really. I'm struggling to find my source of motivation!
Josh asked me a few questions today, and its made me reflect A LOT on whats true to my heart and whats just feeding my ego.
I'm not enjoying the gym, to be honest I cant be fucked going. Im not sure If im just being a DICK or if it's really not serving me.
WTF are my goals anyway?
Well to be honest, to put it simply, I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin.
I want to feel comfortable walking around the gym in nike pro shorts.
I want to be able to go for a run in shorts.
I want to be able to wear cute short summer dresses instead of looking like a stump.
I want to wear denim shorts in summer and get tan on my legs lol!
Those simple things that are taken away from me atm because I'm so damn uncomfortable with how I look, I can't fit any of my usual clothes :(
But then again, I'm 21 - not 16. I still hang onto that 16 year old body and think I can achieve it again.
UGH.
I tore a ligament or something around my knee/hamstring on my run yesterday (arrggg) so I couldn't run this morning :( So cardio well, went shit. I thought, I can't run. What's the point.
I did 5 mins on the spin bike, bored.
15 on the x-trainer. Bored.
Did some abs.
Then just left.
Oh well at least I did something I spose!
Diet was going supeeeerb until boredem kicked in.
Josh made a pact w me to not use facebook at all today, I realise I spend way to much time distracting myself from my problems.
So today. all the problems came flooding in and I had to face them. It's been... horrible. Haha. But Necessary.
I didn't know what to do with myself!!! The western world is so fucked, I can't believe how facebook just fucked w my mind!! I was so bored and so lost, I just went to eat straight after meal 3. WTF!! I wasn't due for a meal until like 4pm but I just hoed into my seed crackers w peanut butter... made the mistake of buying a whole jar. Lucky I stopped myself before it got too out of control... Josh asked me "Should you be eating those" .. I just look at him and said "I'm hungry" .. when really no I wasn't, I was just bored!!
Still learning these triggers, but at least I'm learning to stop myself before it goes out of control.
Trained back tonight too, I wasn't really motivated - I felt I had no 'purpose' at the gym. I'm not training for anything. It seems like a never ending finish line and I just thought what's the fucking point, I don't even enjoy this. But I stuck at it and pushed through a small back workout w Josh. I'm really grateful for him taking time out of his day to put energy into my shit and even when I get frustrated, he's still there. I love that boy like nothing else :)
So yeah.
I've been thinking heaps about what I want to 'train' for.. I feel like I've done everything under the sun, done well at it, but not enjoyed it. Running, Triathlon, Cycling, Tennis, Bodybuilding... Ugh jesus christ lol.
I'm going to stick with the main goal until I find something my heart wants to train for; Getting comfortable. Fitting a pair of summer shorts. Being able to run 10km without stopping. Or something along those lines... I need to actually get to the basics because I have my head waaaaay too high up in the clouds and need to get off my high horse!! Yes I just competed. but that doesn't make me 10 steps ahead or above anybody else, I'm still a girl trying to feel good about herself!
Good old ego issues, eh? I'm grateful I have the awareness to address them.
I'm still battling a bit of anxiety. My phone rang a few times today and I was too scared to pick it up... gotta work on this.
Alrighty. I know what I want to work on now, and it's each day at a time.
Taking a step back and just being patient.... trying to. :)
Sam x
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