Days 38 & 39; Stupid gherkins and stupid cacao.. wait no, stupid murphy!

I keep blaming it on the food.
It's my fault really.
WHY IS THIS SO FUCKING HARD!!! ARG!!!!!!!! Why can I not find the line between 'balance' and 'moderation'

Yesterday, I had a shyte day. Went to do cardio, massive fail. I just couldnt b fucked.
Had a craving for gherkins in the arvo (wtf???) and ate a whole jar, I felt sooo ill and had to train that evening, got to the gym and just wanted to go home. I had this inner war between trying to stay on a machine and wanting to go sit in the car, I must have looked like a dick! I felt like a bloated whale from the stupid acidic salty gherkin goodness.

Then we come to today.
HOLY FUCK I'm so fucking hungry! I'm unsure as to wether it's in my head or if it's the contraceptive pill I'm taking.. Arg it's doing my head in! I just feel nauseous after I eat so I can't be fucked eating, but then I'm so hungry!! I can't fucking win!!!

I've had all my meals today already and I'm still fucking starving, I drove down to the organic shop down the road, Josh told me not to cos he knew I'd buy something and binge eat or something like that because I was overthinking it too much. So yeah, I drove down, bought the cacao I needed and spend a solid like 20 mins looking at all the food deciding what to buy. All the yummy organic raw bars etc... I could have eaten the whole shop!! DONT GO FOOD SHOPPING HUNGRY!!!
I walked out w a bag of chocolate coated cacao beans.. told myself I'd eat them, SOME of them this evening as a treat. Instead, what do I do? Open the packet. 1 cacao beann... 2 cacao beann... Mmm these are good... only a few more and I'll shut the packet.. 4 cacao beannn.. *zips up packet and puts on ground of car*

Reach a red light, grab the packet... arrg I can't stop! I've had about 20... :( I don't even feel sick.
I thought about driving to the mall to go on a food crawl and get sushi... NO!!! No because that will make it even worse! It's so fucking tempting... how about a protein bar?? No.. I went to go pull in the supermarket but didn't get out of my car. I must look like a fucing lost tourist driving around not knowing what to do whilst eating at the wheel.

ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS FUCKING FOOD ITS DRIVING ME INSANE.

I've been sooooo good this week, until yesterday I hit a weak spot and then today's just a fucking flop.

I managed to make it back to work and confessed to Josh.
I got the "I told you so!"
I DONT NEED TO HEAR THAT!!! I KNOW SO!! :( It's so confusing, why oh why!! I just want to be able to drive to a shop and be trusted within myself to not buy something and try justify why I should have it when really, I shouldn't have.. maybe that's my problem.. I told myself no, so I went to go break my own rules to feel all baddassss and prove that I can binge without feeling bad.

Yeah nah. Doesn't work like this murphy!!!

So I've eaten my 3rd meal so I'm back into meal mode and I stop picking at shit and leading into a binge.

This is going to be a fucking hard afternoon that's for sure :(


x S