Okay, so yeah. Last night was a fucking flop.
I couldn't stop thinking about food after my silly lil cacao slip up... I honestly was like rummaging around work for the next thing to eat, and got sooo impatient with Josh because I wanted to go home.. to eat. I started putting food at the front of my mind and it drove me literally INSANE.
On arriving home, I proceeded to cook meals and Josh's dinner, which I also used as an excuse to surround myself in food and pick on rice with sauce etc, and hot chips :/ I made josh sushi for tea w hot chips so I made extra just so I could pick on them, my day was fucked anyway. I got in the mindset "Oh well I'll start tomorrow"
Ugh.
FINALLY managed to stop the eating rampage and forced myself to go to bed... god it was hard.
Woke up this morning, and it literally felt like I had dreamt yesterday. It didn't feel like it had happened, almost a daze, except I was left with the fucking horrible evidence of a bloated belly and puffy face and feeling like a sack of shit. Yuck. I went to the toilet like 5 times that morning it was gross! My body isin't used to all that food and it just responded horribly! Yuck.
Got my ass to the gym, and ran 5k. Man it was hard feeling like your 10kg over just from one day of bad food... it really fucks with your mind! I did my best to go the whole day without looking at myself in the mirror because I know that's a negative thought trigger for me, and I made sure I ate clean - I wasn't really hungry apon waking but I had my norm breakfast anyway and 3 glasses of water, then had my packed meals and drank heaps of amino's. I felt better by the avo, went to the gym this evening w Josh and just felt like running again.
I managed to power through 7.5k! Yus I was stoked. I felt amazing! Must remember to do this again.
I have a bit of anxiety about tomorrow.
I'm at work, there's lots of yummy protein bars... and I have a funny feeling it wil be like every other fucking weekend where I binge on some, OR something else. I don't want to wake up and feel like shit on sunday.. So I have anxiety already about what I want to eat tomorrow night. It's so fucked up... all I think about is the 'next meal' or the 'next day'.. I never really stop to appreciate the moment as is. I ask Josh what he wants for dinner at the start of the day, he looks at me like "WTF" lol as if he knows at breakfast time. I dunno, I just like planning ahead a lot.. control freak syndrome!
So yeah, I don't know what I'm going to do. I really hope I'm not home alone, I hope Josh is there.. I don't feel like hanging with anybody but him because he is the only one who can really make me forget about food, or the only person I pay attention too. Everyone else doesn't seem to get my undivided attention and I end up spinning my head off onto food dream land when around friends.... it sucks! I don't know how to stop. I've tried everything under the sun man, just gotta find this inner strength n pull it outta somewhere.
I had a moment today when I thought man, fuck this ,I actually am so sick and tired of falling down and getting back up, It's fucking exhausting. What's the point. Somedays are just so hard!! I mean, the aftermath, the reflection, you ask yourself "WHY OH WHY" and "I KNOW BETTER" but at the time, that food, that binge, it takes over man. You forget all that shit. It's just you, that moment, and you have to have all that food before you can't have it anymore.
ANYWAY.
Rant over
S x
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