I'm at work alone, and I have made the silly mistake of leaving my organic rice cakes out the back with a tub of peanut butter and a tub of almond butter... and I had 2 instead of having my meal I had prepped (rookie mistake, I know) ... Then I had some more, and told myself okay, "just one more" .... Then it's been 3 more, then I had a Oh Yeah bar. I can feel a binge coming on.
NO
NONONONONONO
I need to write this out now just to get it off my mind.
I AM STRONGER THAN THIS.
I feel so let down of myself because I've nearly finished a whole tub of almond butter in 2 days... Fuck :(
Maybe I need to just go cold turkey for a bit? I dunno I serisouly have no control around it!!!!
I was feeling really motivated this morning and then I got to work and my mind just wandered and I thought it would be fun to have a bit of food!! Arg fuck this emotional eating shit I'm so sick of it!! I WISH just for one day I could be that person who just forgets to eat a meal or just eats when they are hungry instead of thikning about food every second of every day! It's driving me crazy!!!!!
It feels like it's my best friend sometimes :(
I'm going out for tea tonight and going to the movies with Josh so that will be nice, I'll try my best to eat normally and not feel deprived. Ugh.
Today just feels like a flop.
#Justgottakeepchuggin
Josh just came in and I told him what I'd done, and he made me feel so much better.
I felt because I was alone at work I could get away with this, it'd be my dirty little secret. It's like the food was talking to me. I then went and pulled out my meal and just ate the rice out of it because I just wanted a huge carb fix. AAAAAAAAARGGG I started this cycle and felt myself getting pulled under, so hence I'm here fucking babbling on to get it out of my system!!!
Josh said not to beat myself up so much - yes I falied, but I've been working SO hard for 27 days already and I've started losing weight already and I've become a stronger person, and not to let this one set back be a set back, only a come back. So I'm going to relax. Let today unfold, I deserve to feel good and enjoy good food and company today. I am not competing .I'm doing this for me, my mind and my soul. Not an image, not a look, not to 'be skinny' He said he was really proud of me, and I trust his opinion whole heartedly as he's the one person I look up to.
So here's what I've eaten today:
Breakfast was: 1/2c rice cereal w scoop of FitMiss whey
Meal 2: 1/2c brown rice w chicken and salad
Meal 3.... was 2x Wholegrain Rice Rye cakes w Almond butter and honey.. which resulted in me having 4-5 with about 3 tbs of Almond Butter
And then an Oh Yeah! bar
And then a quest bar
:/
and then I started to nibble on my brown rice in my next meal :/
then I got my spoon in the Almond butter
THEN I stopped myself.
Okay. No. NONONO. Don't do this to youreslf.
So yeah, that's where I am now.
The protein bars and the rice cakes are lookin at me but I'm staying as strong as poss.
I've had the most amazing feedback from ladies who have been reaching out to me, just in regards to my sheer honesty... I still can't believe it, I'm so humbled. Thankyou all so much for all your support, and your strength. We are all fighters :)
Much love & Keep fighting x
Sam
I have sooo been there! I got so mad at myself for my self-abusive eating habits with stuff (my poison was dates with peanut butter) that I went through the cupboards/pantry/fridge and biffed out everything that I knew would be a binge trigger for me. It felt so horribly wasteful, but tbh that feeling gave me a reality check about how serious the whole situation was.
ReplyDeleteOh I feel ya!! I'm one that seems to think "Ok, I'll just finish it all now and then it will be gone!" LOL so not the best idea.. I form this relationship with it and I feel so bad throwing anything away like it's a child!
DeleteDude, I was all over the place until late last year. I still have some anxiety over food and body image but seriously, thanks to the fitmissnz FB page and your posts here, I've been back on track since December 20th :-) Had the good old 'click' moment on the 19th. I used to be a group fitness instructor but had to give it up basically because I thought I was a giant fraud standing up on that stage telling people how to be fit and healthy when I was (nutritionally and mentally) a right old mess. But I actually feel like I might be able to get back into it this year! So for what it's worth, thank you!
DeleteI agree with you Sam! To break the whole "food relationship" thing.. I personally think you need to bin it.. tell yourself NO, I had the same problem with food for a whole year ESP peanut butter... even stopped having it for my cheat meals...I branched out an had cottage cheese an flaxseed oil or something that I knew I couldn't reach straight away an stuff my gob..I used to be so addicted to it I would even have a whole jar out it in my desk at work and teaspoon it in my mouth when I felt "stressed" or my anxiety... I love everything your writing here because I can relate to it all..but honestly hun chuck it out.. you'll look back on it in a few months an think god..I was so silly cos I have a..me and that one addiction oh and ricecrackers,
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