Day 34; My new list

So today one again came to a few realisations and ive made a list of shit im going to improve on. My close friend claire made some really touching statements to me today which motivated me to work a lil harder to stop making my life a living hell because the reality of it is, its allll in my head n im the one who puts too much presure on myself. I need to work on 'improving' not on 'changing'.. because change is inevitable.

So heres a few off my list..
- to be honest about my time management and stop saying im going to do something if i KNOW im not gonna do it.. eg learn to say NO or YES
- to answer my phone when it rings (i still get anxiety over this)
- to train for myself, not to improve how i look for others approval

So just working on these few things for now, hopefully the more attention i pay to this the less i worry about food.

Im at home by myself n ive worked myself in a big anxious mess because i dont trust myself home alone to eat.. im scared its gonna turn into a binge. Josh should hopefilly b home soon... its not a nice feeling feeling like you cant trust yourself to not self sabotage. Im unsure wether to have a treat or not.. i even had a voice in my head pipe up telling me to not eat tonight because then i wont feel fat. I quickly smacked that on the head, as tempting as that was!

I go through SUCH a complex thought process... honestly when ppl say.. why dont you just eat when your hungry? Why is it such a big deal? Why dont yoh just havd one bite?

Honestly.. if it was that easy, I would. I only DREAM to b able to do those things as second nature instead of having a pros n cons battle in my head everytime I go to eat. It drives me insane sometimes.

I overthink about overthinking lol is that even possible?

One other thing is that i struggle to take pressure off myself without going allright lazy. Everytime ive taken pressure off myself i just go "fuck the world" and become a lazy sack of poop lol. So I need to maybe understamd that sometimes its ok to just be ok, there we go answering my own questions lol.

A lot of the shit im facing now i have traced back to my childhood... nothing agsinst my parents i had the most beautiful childhood.. but i was spoilt and sheltered and its come back to bite me in the arse.

Anyway.
Have a good night xo
S