Been in at the store today w Josh, I tried to do a wee run this AM but my leggsss a bit sore still.. Arg, I can't stay off it lol I'm just hungry to run. Maybe I should listen to my body and take my own advice instead of just being a dick.. but I just love running now! It feels so good and I can feel myself slimming out more!
Josh has confiscated my nut butters off me lol at my request and I'm not allowed them till Sat, pretty guttered but hey, I'm not ready to control myself with them yet lol! So meals have been spot on today, which is good :) I'm acutally looking forward to getting a wee pump on tonight at the gym... lol this is a first in FOREVER. I'm feeling more confident about my body as I start leaning out... just yeah, It still mind fucks me how much I hate myself when I'm not lean, I don't know if this is a subconcious anorexic thing but it does not feel nice, like it's an immense hate. But I'm slowly feeling better and loving seeing more defintion and just feeling lighter in general!!
I'm actually eating heaps atm, well it feels like it! I'm enjoying my meals and today I haven't stressed about food as much because I've kept myself busy. So, must continue this habit! I had a wee moment of frustration, I'm due for a new Mac because it's going so fucking slow and I want to smash the screen in lol. Ugh. Perks of relying on your computer for work? :/ Muyhhhhhh! Lol.
SO, yeah. I still have wee moments of anxiety and frustration, but not as much. I get in a real stupid head space if Josh says he's going to be 5 mins but he's 30mins, but I've learnt to accept that 5mins = 30mins lol! Makes it easier to cope and stops me getting angry If I have to wait around for him! I spose I just need better things to do lol.
But yeah, I get a lot of people ask, which I find kinda weird, how me and Josh do it.. have a successful relationship etc. I dunno. Lol seriously, we have some weird freakin spiritual connection (Had a few stranged experiences when we've been stoned lol) and are just point blank honest with each other. I feel comfortable talking about my eating problems etc and body image issues and he's willing to give his 2 cents and I am able to listen and accept it unconditionally. Vice versa, I trust this man w my life! It's taken a year to get to this point, lots of downfalls etc but yeah - I don't fight lol. None of my relationships I have faught or yelled, i get poopy but nothing major lol I'm too nice. But yeah, I dunno how to explain it but seriously, if someone is willing to UNDRESS your mind and let you UNDRESS THEIRS... fucking keep them man, that shits rare to find and it's so beautiful once you see each other in your bare minded beauty and all the sins that you both hold, and love each other for it. He's my rock, my soul mate; my "swole"mate hahahahahahah.
Okay enough gushy stuff. But serisouly women, just trust your intuition. AND CHILL THE FUCK OUT. God. We ALL talk to people are lil flirty, it's called kindness, we mistake kindness these days for flirtation! So stop snooping around on his facebook and wondering who the fuck errrbody is and WHO CARES.
Rant over lol.
ANYWAYS.
Yeah, I'm in a much better headspace. Stillllll don't know where I wanna take my training, I have an itch to get on stage but I want it to be for the right reasons. I may knuckle down for a year and use my genetics to their potetional and build some muscle and sculpt my physique a lil diff and jump into figure or physique? :) Hmmm options lol.
But yes, enjoying my food, enjoying balance... I'm slowlyyy ticking the boxes and finding all these weird things about myself, and how I WANT to change them.. finally. I used to "WANT TO CHANGE" but not "DO WHAT MUST BE DONE" and be stuck in that attitude.. soooo fuuuuccck that, time to be a more IMPROVED me :)
Much love and namaste xoxo Sam
No comments:
Post a Comment