Im lying here in bed and cant switch my brain off
For some reason i make my life hell. I've felt so high strung lately and i feel like i have a billion things to do so ill cancel on ppl cos of my anxiety... Its so fucked up. I don't even know how to explain the shit that's being going through my head today. Its as simple as this, i want to b lean. I want to basically drive myself into the ground to get lean. Its my all or nothing mentality because its driving me crazy... I want it so bad its just food that's in the way. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
Should i compete again? I feel like i have no purpose to my training or dieting ATM except to get lean... Wtf why does this shit control my life!!!! I just want to b free ... Free AND lean. Everyone keeps saying just to b happy and being lean isint everything... But to me, a 'recovered' anorexic... It is everything. It sucks... But i want it so bad..i just keep shooting myself in the foot!!!
Arg. I feel so lost... I feel like I'm so up and down.. I'm not sure if its the meds I'm on.. But i feel like in numb to shit or as if there IS ALWAYS a problem... Poor josh i hate holding negative energy.. I just get in this shit habit of making my life a living hell.
Homes real negative ATM... Both my mum n step dad are acting like children through a breakup... I wish they would both stop fucking lying to each other n then bitching to me about it.
On a positive note... I ate well today. Ive cut PB out of my food plan cos i cant control myself lol .
Arg i dunno.. It feels good to write. I know in stressing and getting anxiety over nothin... But it feels like this is all my life involves.
Worrying about how I look.
I know that my friends etc always call me beautiful and my FAM... But sometimes.. Its really really hard to see it yourself. I know there's 'more to life' than this... But i hold onto being THIN so dearly like its my best friend. Like the monkey.
Anyways i am a warrior. In determined as shit to fight for my freedom n break myself free of these chains.
Namaste.
Sam.
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