I find it hard to find the "stop guage". As soon as I got home from work I started eating and I didn't really stop till bout 9 or 10 at night lol. I was just happily picking away and trying to remind myself to not feel guilty, it was pretty hard. I had this continous inner conflict "Okay, maybe I should stop now" ... "Okay nah, just a few more then I'll stop" lol... god.
I ended up downing a whole pack of rice cakes, 1/2 a tub of almond/cashew butter and half a tub of honey, then we went to get KFC so I just got some popcorn chicken and a large fries. Then I had a sweet spot so protein cookie dough it was! Lol. AAAAAhhhhhh yeah safe to say I had the mad food baby! Funnily enough tho I woke up this morn and wasn't bloated! Yus. So I had my breakfast and me and Josh went to the gym, and I ran 8k for the first time in around 4yrs in UNDER 40m! YUS!!!!
Feels good man. We then went to do ze shopping and have come home and I've cooked up some food for both of us, I love sundays now because it involves just chillin wth Josh and Charlie, no anxiety because there's no real fam issues in the house anymore because it's just Me, Charlie, Josh and Steve, so it's pretty cool.
Had a reaaaaal awesome time with Claire on Sat at the store :) She comies in and keeps me company so it's really nice, I can get anxiety about stupid things (mainly food) but it's cool to have someone to converse with and learn stuff with! Claire is wired SO diff from me, but we are on the same path of 'health and fitness' or whatever you call this ish lol! She's been brought up with strong Tongan values, a strong hearty home and lots of soul - whereas I've been all over the place catching flies, a split family, anxiety, depression, anorexia, you name it... but one thing remains true is that we are still both learning. I like picking her brain, and she likes picking mine. It's cool, because it's REAL! This is what we are about. Breaking the norm. Pushing shit uphill sometimes. Going against the grain! Fuck society man serioulssyyyy the SHIT thats in the fitness industry, people don't even know they are being cunts a lot of the time and I just facepalm myself lol.
If I can help one girl, that's all I want. If I can help somebody REALISE that they can do this, on their own without paying fucking a million dollars to some shit PT that isint even in shape themselves, then yeah. THATS WHAT ILL FUCKING DO! haha sorry for all da swearing today.
One of the beautiful girls that I talk to on a daily basis wrote this to me today, and it made me fucking tear up aye!
"Something goes through my mind everyday it's what's been helping me get up in the morning. To be the best you can be you have to share a similar lifestyle and mindset to someone who inspires you , think like she thinks, train how she trains and be as disciplined as she is. Do I want to be you?? No!! I want to lead my own journey and leave my own legacy. I am thankful there are people out there like you babe setting the benchmark, being examples we challenge ourselves to aspire too. If only you knew babe the effect you have on me, the inspiration you have provided me, the motivation you have showed to get me through and because of your actions babe the hours I spend dreaming, aspiring and planning my own way to victory is because of you x"
THIS IS THE REAL SHIT. This is the shish I lurve.
I wrote this up on the fitmiss page yesterday, and it kinda just sums up everything that I'm about:
No, I'm not a scientific nutrition genius, I'm not bikini pro, I'm not a world re-known fitness model, I'm not a personal trainer.
I just practise. I practise everyday, things that make ME feel good - sometimes, my practising goes a bit messy and I do things deliberately that DONT make me feel good. But it's okay.
I just do my best to fight my demons, I do my best to get by each day - not proving to be anything else but myself. I don't have a desire for the flashy lights of the stage, the glory, the success of a medal; I have a desire to be pure and strong, to be humble in my own heart and EXPRESS the struggles and rises through my body, my actions, my words.
If I really wanted to be any of those, I would be. But I don't.
I'm just me.
Yes I've competed, Yes I want to compete again; But I don't know when, because I know the time will call and sing it's name true to me.
I form my own opinion, I've judged others by the way they look, I've backstabbed and had my fair share of shit. I've been a compulsive liar, I've been Anorexic, I've been fired, I've been bullied, I've been homeless, I've miscarried, I've been broke and I've tried committing suicide.
But that's what makes me, Me. And, I'm proud of all that shiz. I'll say it. You can point the finger and think "Oh god, she's just saying all of this crap for attention and is probably self concious and think people hate her or judge her"
That's not what I'm getting at. I'm saying, stop hiding your demons. I will proudly say mine out loud, because it makes me let it go. It helps me heal, aside from all this facebook bullshiz. Be proud of what they have made you become, because it's THAT, THAT makes us, US. Perfectly imperfect.
But I've also loved, I've also gone to the ends of the earth for MYSELF and those closest to me, and I'm also willing to understand, and put myself on the line to help others in anyway possible - by just being honest. I couldn't give two shites if you read this and think "PFFT, You're young, You're immature, You've only competed once, You don't know what your talking about, How about you do the REAL HARD yards."
That's not what I'm getting at. I respect those above me, I listen and I learn from those that have more knowledge; this journey is my own and I'll do what I damn well want with it.
I'm just a normal girl, a bit of a loser lol, from a small city, with not much to my name except a big heart and some drawing skills lol. I don't want no pity story, I'm just here doing ma thang and doing my best to spread the love, not only for myself but for you all.
Peace.
Oh and, if you ever start taking things too seriously, just remember that we are talking monkeys on an organic spaceship flying through the universe.
Tankyou and goodbuyyyeee lol.
XX SAM
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