Day 22; Anxiety please go away! Unlocking my demons

Well, I'm really focussed on making a good effort this week.
Last week went out the window in all aspects because I relaxed heaps and I really did just beat myself up over it, people don't quite understand sometimes.. they go, "Omg, just dont do that to yourself" "You look fine!"
Thank-you, I appreciate that. But no, it's not good enough just yet. My goals differ from yours, I want to compete again, I want to be in the best shape of my life, but I want to have the best mind too.
I like control. It's from the ED, I know. I LOVE control and if I don't have it, I feel meaningless.
So, yes, I'm going to suffer and probably drag myself to the ground until i find the secret answer to this. But I will not fall down and not get up - I will always get back up. I'm looking at competing later in the year.. I have such a hunger to be in comp shape again and I feel I can start to manage it a lil better. It will be challenging thats for sure!

Meals = prepped. Focusing strong today (yes it's a monday, im good at these lol) and I smashed out a 35m run on the Mildred mixing between incline walk, speed 15 sprints and my stead speed 12.5run which ended me round about 6km and 500-600 cals.

The main thing I battle with these days is my anxiety. I'm on medication for it, but seriously. anxiety makes my life hell. it makes it harder and harder to manage everyday.
If I've done something wrong, my whole world will stop and I'll just FREAK going to the worst possible conclusion. It happened today, I'd done something wrong at work and my partner (Who's my boss) told me, and instead of taking it lightly I took it way to harsh and just punched myself in the gut basically.
Every single job I've had, I've made STUPID mistakes because I can't pay attention; I swear I'm part ADHD, I can't focus on anything for more than 20 mins... I'll get bored way to easy and my mind starts to wander in heaps of diff places .. I'll think about anything other than the task at hand, or I'll distract myself from thinking about things I need to do because I'm thinking about food and how I can binge. (I haven't done this in a while thank god.)

I cancel on people hanging out, I won't pick up my phone, I won't ring people, I won't see my own family, I won't apply for a job, I won't do anything because I get too fucking scared I'll fuck it up.

What kind of a way is that to live?
I'm honestly so sick of it. I constantly worry about the STUPIDEST shit... I've only realised because my partner has made this come to light for me, and if I really want to move forward I need to change and start facing these things.
So I need to make a wee list.
1. I can't work for most people, you may not understand but seriously.. it just doesn't fucking happen and i dont want it to ever.
so I'm going to have to figure out a way to make do for myself. I'm lucky to have some amazing bosses atm with isupps who give me no anxiety, but living off 250 per week isint really ideal, it's do-able but I'm up shit creek most of the time.. So I need to hit the drawing board. ANY ideas are appreciated or if anyone's cool and has cool jobs lol.

2. I need to learn to budget. I waste the little money I have on really stupid shit and unnecessary purchases... I don't even realize I do it most of the time, so I need to be more responsible here.

3. Set up payment for my fines, Renew my passport and all those other stupid life things.

It seems like all so much when I look at it but I'll just chip away at it as I can.

So yeah, Basically, I will drive myself into a shithole because I get so anxious. My anxiety stemmed from Anorexia, Anorexia makes you feel that- makes you feel the worry. It makes you live in a state of fear EVER single second of every day. And I've carried that habit through without even realising, but it's time to break it.
I don't have a fear of food anymore, but I seem to have this fear that I won't ever be good enough.

This whole 'getting attention from losing weight' is so apparent some days, some days I feel so shit. During comp prep I got so much praise from my partner, coach and everyone else that I looked so good... now nobody says anything so I feel, do they think I look gross? Is that why they aren't saying anything.
It's really weird.

Anyway, lying on bed with my charlie cat atm and about to head back into town to pick up Josh. I'm going to try do some weights by myself tonight.. here goes nothing! I might youtube some training vids to get some ideas...
Anywhoooooo.

Time to take a breath, it feels good to get all this shit off my chest.

<3 Namaste.
Sam