I been battling BIG time in my own head lately.
So, the start of this week I told myself I was going to have a good week and follow my meals and train nearly 4x.
ermm... This did NOT happen! Guh.
I dont even know why I eat shit.
Sometimes, as soon as I have a bite. ALl hell breaks lose.
I have this MASSIVE war inside my head like.. "Sam, don't do it, you'll regret it."
"Na I don't care"
"You'll seriously feel shit"
"Na fuck off"
*eats food*
*feels shit*
"Fuck it"
Every. Single. Time.
I'm still learning to exercise that thing... called willpower! But I struggle to know what's willpower, whats depriving myself and whats living and being kind to myself. I guess I gotta figure out what I truly want... :/
I was spun off big time with a wedding in the middle of the week, surrounded by good food and good company.. and I find it SO hard to just let go.. As soon as I let go, I feel I've completely lost control and I'll drive myself into the ground. WHY the fuck do I do this?!?! God I just want to not care about my weight FOR ONE FUCKING DAY!!!!!
I told myself yesterday, okay, get back into clean eating.
Yeah well that went out the window as soon as I got to work.
Fucking quest bars! I bought a few at the start of the day because I didn't prep my meals, and I said to myself "Okay, eat one every 3 hours."
As soon as I had smashed back the first one, I ate the rest. And some other protein bars. Before I'd eaten like my body-weight in protein bars. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK you idiot!!!!
I went to drink a whole shit load of amino's because I felt so gross and needed to flush my system out.
I wasn't hungry until like 7pm that night.
Walking around the mall going to the movies, I felt like such a whale, I kept glancing my reflection in the mirror and the thoughts of all the bad food I've eaten, all the exercise I didn't do would rush it and it would show on my face and the vision of me would be so warped. I kept focusing on how loose my bum felt and how puffy my face was and how wide I was getting! Ugh!! I feel like I'm just starting all over again :(
Last night I went a bit OTT with the cookie dough protein again... :( 3 bowls later. I spose there could have been much worse things I could have eaten... but I just love food so much!!! Why am I so addicted to EATING??!?! As soon as I get addicted to eating lots, I get so lazy and just won't train. It'd be okay if I was training hard, but I'm not... I'm just fucking around wishing for shit to happen.
Sorry for all my swearing I just get so passionate... I'm just kinad spilling out my thoughts and typing as they come lol!! Weird.
TODAY.. okay, so, slept in till 12am (omg) .. I spose that means I won't eat as much today.
I had breakfast/lunch which was 1/2c rice cereal + scoop of my fitmiss vanilla chai whey.
And I smashed back alllll my vitamins and minerals, from my fatburner and my CLA and my multis bla bla bla lol.. needed to feel BACK IN THE GAME!!!
Me and Josh went to the gym around 3pm and I went for a 25m run with walk/sprint intervals and then some plyo work. I told myself I would do 30 but for some stuupid reason I got off at 25... I don't even know why. Lol. Fucks sake. I'm GOING to do 35 tomorrow.
I honestly felt SO much better about myself after my smash of cardio. Was prob one of the better sessions I've had in a while. *mental note* I FEEL GOOD AFTER I EXCERCISE AND EAT GOOD!!! I need to keep reminding myself this everytime I feel like skipping a workout or eating a shitty meal.
So, done the groceries got home and cooked my meals for tomorrow!
My meals tomorrow will go as;
1/2c rice cereal w 3x egg whites
150g chick w 1/2c israeli couscous
150g beef w 1/2c israeli couscous and roast beetroot
1 small banana mashed w seeds and tsp maca powder
POST W/O Protein shake
150g fish + tomato
Okay... lets do this.
I can do it.
I can do it
I
CAN
DO IT!!
Gotta keep reminding myself that this process, it takes a lot of patience.
Am just munching on some protein icecream, Yum :)
Tomorrow I am going to get up, do my cardio and then do my work for the day and drink lots of water, and maybe even adventure somewhere nice if the weather is looking good!
I plan on training shoulders and glutes tomorrow - my two faves!
Bum bum ba dooommm!! Here we go.
This process is about falling down, and getting back up! I've fallen down, but It's time to get back up.I could go off the wagon completely, heck, it was so tempting.. and it's taken a lot of strength to realise what I truly want..to be healthy and happy.
XO sam
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