So I've kinda reached a bit of an epiphany.
I've just eaten about 4 rice cakes apon arrival home and about 1 cup of basmati rice. I was soooooo hungry.. today I dunno why, freakin hell. I'm honestly hungry and tired ALL DAY and Im' already eating so much I don't know how I can increase my cals!! Arg it's fucking driving me nuts lol, Hrmmmm. I think its the hormonal pill I'm on :/ Super hungry ever since I've started again and real bloated. I'm doing my best not to think about it tho!!
So yeah, I've eaten all these carbs. And I'm okay with that! I haven't been perfect today, and I'm okay with that! I'm going to utilize it as fuel for a run tomorrow morning. I wanna hit 10k!
But yeah, I dunno if I'm trying to justify a binge here.. because I am struggling big time to find an off switch, I kinda feel like just eating and eating and eating but I'm doing my best to try not to think about food. Yes, I feel bigger than normal. Yes I feel bloated. Of course I do, I just hoed on heaps of carbs. But, it's okay. Tomorrow's a new day, it might suck for a bit but the reality is I just gotta suck it up. Today was all good, I tried doin a bit of cardio this AM but it didn't really happen! I was just too damn tired. Hence I'm hoping all these extra carbs this PM give me loadsa energy tmrow morning lol!!! But yeah, all in all I'm getting there. I'm not feeling too 'light' today.. bit bloated in the face, and thats al down to the pill I think. But, it's the only contraception I can be 'in charge' of, I've heard horror stories of the injection and implant, and I'm too poor, WAAAY too poor to get a minera. And you get painful periods lol so I cant fucking win can I. FUCK BEING A WOMAANNNN SOMETIMES SERIOUSLY! Dude it drives me nuts.
But I've been thinking heaps lately of things I'm grateful for.
1. Josh. This man is my life, my rock. Everytime I look at him I get butterflies in my stomach and fall more in love w him, he provides me with love and support that I've never had, and its so alien to me but SO familiar, it's like we have known each other for a very long time! We've had some fucked up experiences w dope and literally I swear we went to some other dimension with each other, it's so weird to trip w someone else and we were looking back on our old selves laughing at how stupid we were. Haha. So fucked up. But yeah, swear I've seen his soul in it's bare beauty and I still love his guts!
2. The fact I can eat normal meals without feeling like it's going to make me fat.
That used to be my life. Anything and everything was about restricting, now I can look FORWARD to my meals, seriously I look at the clock counting down my next meal lol my whole day revolves around next time to eat... that can be good and bad I spose but the moral of the story is that I DONT feel bad for fueling my body.
3. I have my indepenence back. I'm no longer watched like a hawk at meals, I can do whatever the fuck I want and I freakin love that hahaha.
So yeah.. I dunno, I feel like I'm learning heaps atm and it's really cool, trying to challange your mind in all sorts of ways! I'm going to give a run tomorrow morning my best shot, as todays been a bit of a 'rest day' doing not much and napping lol!!
I have moments in the day when I think, Oh shit, I haven't been very good voer the past few days maybe I need to tighten my diet up? Then I get all confused because I'm not cmpeting but I want to look like I am, like, I wanna walk round with a six pack! I love that shit man! But i spose you can't have your cake and eat it lol.
Hope ya'll have had a good day
XO Sam
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