ALSO, the weekend used to provide overwhelming anxiety revolving around 'food'.
Seeing as I'm so used to dieting ALL week, I get to the weekends hanging out for my cheat meal; leading into an all-right binge.. I struggle to just 'enjoy some of that' or 'enjoy some of this'
There's me, the food, my mouth and that's about all the night involves until I food coma.
SO - this weekend, being it my 21st birthday; I proposed a challenge to myself.
Go out for dinner.
Get through the weekend with no binges.
ENJOY a little bit of this, little bit of that.
Don't stress about your weight.
Enjoy company with Josh & Family.
And ya know what? I can safely say I ticked each one of those boxes.
I made a CONCIOUS effort to think before I ate; and made sure I KNEW that I was eating this to make me feel good, not to make me suppress emotions. I think becoming aware of your emotional eating habits is the first step to making change, and I feel a lot stronger now knowing what my triggers are.
I'm actually a bit of a birthday grinch to be honest.. Fucking hate the things. Mostly because all my birthdays have either given me anxiety, left me in tears etc. Same with Christmas (Anybody with split families knows how messy this can get!) BUT - I thought, fuuuck it. I've had the hardest year of my life and I damn well just want a day to myself to enjoy!
SO.. on arrival to work at the Isupps store, Josh had completely covered the stock in balloons and left me a series of clues hiding around the room... Which I thought I was prettttty good at guessing lol, and in the last one he had written me the most beautiful letter, and also a handmade voucher (which I was impressed because he's not exactly picasso) for a spending spree!!! I have ALWAYS wanted someone to do a treasure hunt for me.. and he bloody did it!! I've never had such a stupid smile on my face the whole time!! The letter made me cry too.. I honestly wouldn't be where I am today without my man, and I owe a lot to him; He's seen me at my worst, and he still sticks by my side and see's me as the strongest woman he knows- and for that I'm very blessed.
Then I had bloody flowers delivered; two lots! One from Josh, and one from my beautiful best friends and bosses; Tiare and James. I take a lot for granted.. and I struggle to ask for things, or receive gifts.. but I've never felt so loved in my life and I'm so thankful for having these beautiful people who love and support me no matter what!! I would give these guys the skin off my back!
Seeing as I'm a health and fitness fanatic, I came home to a homemade cake.. a cake made out of a whole watermelon!! Hahaha.. All Josh's idea too he claimed, I was so impressed! Mum had decorated it with lots of berries and yummy things! I smiled ear to ear, knowing the support I had around me on the lifestyle I have chosen is so strong!! Some family members came over, and brought around plates of sweet treats. This is an obstacle for me; saying no and walking away. I gave in, but I made sure I just enjoyed it and didn't feel guilty; and only stuck to one of each treat. Heck, it's my birthday - I'm going to enjoy it! But I'm not going to make myself feel sick :)
Me and Josh went out for Teppan-Yaki; going out for dinners been a biiiig hurdle of mine recently because I'm very selfish when it comes to food; I like to sit at home and binge and have all the power with food I can; until it takes over me.
But - I faced a hurdle, went out for dinner, ENJOYED every bite... and reminded myself how lucky I am to have such great company and such a beautiful man at my side. I felt really strong after tea, not physically but mentally, as I had just faced one of my biggest demons and overcome it this time!
Coming home, I was a bit ravenous... I could have reached for the rice cakes and just over-done EVERYTHING, instead I had a few sweet treats that were left; and just made a conscious effort to tell myself I wasn't going to feel bad about it in the morning.
AAAAAAAND, I woke up - HUNGRY!! Usually on a Saturday night I couldn't face food on a Sunday because of the sheer amount I'd eaten that night before... but this night was different. I hadn't deprived myself, and I hadn't binged... maybe I'm onto something here!!! I felt really weird.. as if, I'd done something and missed out on something? But I just kept going and brushed it off today.
The day after a treat day or night is always hard.... I have to consciously remember not to keep snacking and to cook clean meals, I always seem to crave fats on a Sunday (peanutterrrbutterrr) ... So I just made a small dessert using my protein powder and almond butter and I feel good about that.
I didn't train over the weekend; I was going to get up early Sat morning and go for a run but we slept through our alarm; I thought my anxiety would have peaked because I hadn't trained and was going to be having treat night... but I just brushed it off as best I could, and got through my day eating clean.
Boredom is a biggie for me.. seriously, when I'm bored I could just eat and eat and eat and eat.. I try justify it as a 'fun' thing to do. So I've been trying really hard to keep myself busy!!
I had such a lovely weekend, and I can honestly admit it. Instead of saying 'it was OK' and lying, I'm going to say I was actually really happy!
1 whole week with NO bad food, no deprivation and no crazy diets and no binges! Happy lady.
BABY STEPS at a time.. I know I will face hurdles, but I know I'm in a better space to try and deal with them now as they come!
Thankyou all, I hope you had a good weekend too! :)
Sam xx
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