This morning I had 'planned' the night before to wake up early and do some fasted cardio, didn't happen.. I was sooo tired!! I slept till about 9am then went to the gym; I attempted like 5 mins of cardio and my body was just like 'nooopppeee' .. Attempted some walking lunges and literally felt like fainting.. I think it was because I was so dehydrated from yesterday and this morning. Nothing felt good it just felt stupidly exhausting; more than normal. So I just left after about 30 mins. Haha, successful... but I told myself "Hey, I showed up and I tired; Today just wasn't my day"
I had a moment of jealousy too at the gym... there was a chick on the tredmill, and she reminded me of when I was in my fit 'prime'.. I honestly admired everything about her physique.. yet it got me so mad at myself for where I was and I felt so inferior... I felt like hitting something, it makes me reflect on all the things I could have done differently to be there now; but ya know.. If I really sit down and be honest to myself and pull it into it's simplest form; it's a matter of accepting where I am now and just doing the best I can.
I have this inner war with myself as to wether I'm being too kind on myself and if I should push myself further, or if I'm being to hard on myself and should cut some slack.. I really find it hard to know which option to choose in these kind of situations; kind of like after I eat something shit; Do I push myself harder and work it off or just let it go? I know most of you will just tell me to 'be kind to myself' but is that shouldn't mean I justify that what I did was right? If that makes sense... like how much is too much ahhaha. I am really an all or nothing person... but I'm slowly, sloooowly, adapting to change and I want to be able to know the 'little bit here, little bit there, moderation' type of mindset... instead of either 1. Not eating or 2. Gorging till no return.
So I made sure my meals were pretty spot on today considering I didn't exactly have a proper train today...
Meal 1; 1/2c oats w 3x egg whites
Meal 2; 1/2c riceflakes w 1scoop whey
Meal 3; 150gms chicken w 1/2c brown rice, salad + mixed nuts, greek yoghurt n low cal sweet chilli.
Meal 4; 30g Vanilla whey, 2 tbsp coconut flour, 1/2 mashed banana, 1tsp LSA, tbsp Almond Butter, 2tbsp Greek Yoghurt
Meal 5; 150gm Chicken w Salad, Roasted carrots.
Drank about 1.5L of water today.. stiiiil not really enough so I'm going to try for 2.5 tomorrow!
Just been sitting down with my partner Josh having a discussion about how my relationship with food is going atm, and I actually find it so hard to differentiate 'comp prep' with 'real eating'.. like, am I being too easy on myself? Am I allowed this? I could be eating cleaner, right? I want to lose weight, so I'm going to have to eat like comp prep right?
It's honestly such a mind game.. every single thing that goes in my mouth I must ask myself "will this serve me and my goals" ?
If it's not serving you,then why are you doing it.
He made some good points to me; I find it fascinating as to how the male brain works; not worrying about every single thing they put into their mouths and still staying so lean.. forgetting to eat meals etc.. I WISH I WAS LIKE THAT!! Seriously, If I could forget to eat one day I'd probably be so happy because I hadn't stressed about FOOD all day haha. Food is my priority and it always has been.. so I figure, that's the way I'm wired... so I must try wire it in the most positive way possible and use it to my ADVANTAGE and get all the nutrients I need, because I know I'll never forget them.
I want to compete again next year.. I'm unsure on dates. But for now I just want to slowly cut down and tighten up, and along the way LEARN how to be happy with myself. It's so hard... honestly sometimes I catch a glance of myself in the gym mirrors and just hate myself. I feel like crying... What's the point in even being here? I'm so out of shape.. and I'll focus on how 'backwards' I've gotten instead of foccussing on the 'forwards part'...
Anyways thats probably enough mental mind rambling for one night haha!
I hope you all had a lovely Boxing day, and if you went to sales I hope you punched some peps in the face lol!!
Tomorrow's a new day so I'll try again tomorrow :-)
Sam xo
Look at dem shoooeees! I'm going to suggest that my boyfriend reads your blog. You put a lot of what I struggle with into words that I think he might actually get :-) or at least he might see that there's someone else similar to me and that I'm not a total lunatic :-D As always, thanks for your posts, Sam, you're helping me out from afar!
ReplyDeleteHey Spiffy! Haha, sometimes I do try look at my situation from a boys perspective.. some reason I can relate quite well to a guy as well as having all the girly shit lol!! Get him to read it I hope it helps him understand!! Crazy things we are but you aren't a lunatic!! xxx
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