That of a negative sense, where it was dark, obsessive and healthy - or that in a positive sense, that it taught me what DOESN'T work healthily for my mind. It may have worked well for my body, allowing me to maintain a lean physique for quite some time. But the long term complications of this are only coming to catch up with me NOW, so I must deal with them accordingly.
One thing that thoroughly frustrates me - is when people, who are naturally oblivious to how we feel on the inside, and how utterly HARD this is for us to be 'normal' - What the hell is normal anyways?|
It's NOT your fault you don't understand. This is why I'm writing this blog. So you can TRY TO UNDERSTAND every messed up thought that goes through our heads.
When you say "Why don't you just have a little bit? Why don't you just have a rest day from training?" to someone who has a disorder with training and eating. They are going to stick there nose up and it's almost to scary to even comprehend that. You can't comprehend that. We are so lost, so caught up in the destructive world we create for ourselves. We can only take small baby steps and small climbs to get out of the trench.
I am going to explain my phases, as simple as possible. But give you the important facts and details, and if you patiently read - I hope this will help you feel not alone, and also to understand the hardships we face when suffering from disordered eating.
The year following my Anorexia, I maintained a semi-lean physique.
I don't remember going one day without looking in the mirror to see what I looked like, checking myself was still a sub-conscious habit I had carried through with the Anorexia. It wasn't to the same degree - but it was STILL there, and it wasn't healthy. Anybody who has ever gone in the mirror and constantly checked to see if you'd changed weight, in what would have been an hour, knows how crazy this can feel.
I formed a habit, with being 'obsessive' over what I ate.
I would eat the same thing, at the same time, everyday. Because I knew, I'd be able to stay slim this way.
I always was chasing the slim 'feel'.
Naturally, I sat around 53kg at my healthy weight.
I started running again. First, mum limited me to 10 minutes. So, I would literally sprint around the block in that 10 minutes as it was the only cardio I was allowed to do. I had to burn maximum calories, in minimal time. I would get 'fat' otherwise, or feel 'big' if I didn't burn enough. (The monkey would tell me)
I started running again. First, mum limited me to 10 minutes. So, I would literally sprint around the block in that 10 minutes as it was the only cardio I was allowed to do. I had to burn maximum calories, in minimal time. I would get 'fat' otherwise, or feel 'big' if I didn't burn enough. (The monkey would tell me)
Slowly, my parents starting giving me back my independence. I wasn't being watched anymore.. and I could make choices for myself. Which, in turn began to be slightly dangerous.
I started running on the tredmill everyday afterschool for an hour.
Every. Single. Day.
The mental capacity and drive I gained was ridiculous, I could push myself so far.
I noticed myself slimming up, and I liked it again.
More exercise, the monkey told me.
So, I would get up whilst mum was in the shower in the morning and turn on my music, and do 30 minutes of intense dancing and toning exercises. Like, ridiculously intense. I felt like passing out every morning.
Must. Burn. Fat.
Must. Burn. Fat.
Every. Single. Day.
The mental capacity and drive I gained was ridiculous, I could push myself so far.
I noticed myself slimming up, and I liked it again.
More exercise, the monkey told me.
So, I would get up whilst mum was in the shower in the morning and turn on my music, and do 30 minutes of intense dancing and toning exercises. Like, ridiculously intense. I felt like passing out every morning.
Must. Burn. Fat.
Must. Burn. Fat.
My exercise would be followed by a body check, and then whatever I had scheduled to eat next.
I kept up at this routine for quite some time, become more and more driven, more and more obsessed, more and more focused. I would never miss a session to exercise.
My eating was semi normal - it would be lite cereal in the morning with yoghurt, maybe an apple for lunch and a chicken wrap, and then whatever mum would cook for tea. It was always very regimental, my eating. But hey - on the flipside, I was EATING. (which is a good thing, right?)
My obsession with exercise grew and grew throughout my years at highschool.
I would run around Hagley Park (which in total is a 6.3km run) Morning, Lunch and Afterschool. So I was clocking up my KM's pretty fast. My endurance grew and grew, till I was smashing out sub 30 6kms.
I kept up at this routine for quite some time, become more and more driven, more and more obsessed, more and more focused. I would never miss a session to exercise.
My eating was semi normal - it would be lite cereal in the morning with yoghurt, maybe an apple for lunch and a chicken wrap, and then whatever mum would cook for tea. It was always very regimental, my eating. But hey - on the flipside, I was EATING. (which is a good thing, right?)
My obsession with exercise grew and grew throughout my years at highschool.
I would run around Hagley Park (which in total is a 6.3km run) Morning, Lunch and Afterschool. So I was clocking up my KM's pretty fast. My endurance grew and grew, till I was smashing out sub 30 6kms.
The mentality behind my running was ridiculous - the whole time I would be focusing on how my legs felt, I hated feeling them jiggle so I had to run extra fast and pound my feet so hard so it would 'rid all the fat'.
If I wasn't running, I spent my lunch break and morning tea break in the small school gym - on the Rowing Machine and playing around with weights.
I became addicted to every single thing I did, and had to push through no matter how much I hated it. The fear of feeling gross was too large. I was isolated. I didn't socialize, exercise was now my best friend. I would spend every minute of every day thinking about it, and every minute I could do, doing it.
I became addicted to every single thing I did, and had to push through no matter how much I hated it. The fear of feeling gross was too large. I was isolated. I didn't socialize, exercise was now my best friend. I would spend every minute of every day thinking about it, and every minute I could do, doing it.
I got a new job, my first 'real' job at the Lonestar, waitressing.
I loved it - I made sure I kept myself SO busy - the whole time. I had to burn as many calories as I could in order to stay lean. I didn't eat any of the food there, I would simply just skip dinner and have a few jellybeans. Couldn't eat those chips, I would get fat. (Said the monkey)
I ended up being obsessed with working, so I would literally go straight from school - then to the gym that I had joined recently to row for 40 minutes, then I would bike to work, work till 10pm then bike home. Then I'd be up again at 5-30am to bike back to school to do my morning run around the park.
This cycle continued for at least a year, and I ended up becoming quite small again. I became obsessed with dancing in my room after school before I went to work. I would create an intricate dance routine, to try and tone my legs and burn as many calories as possible. My parents must have thought I was absolutely nuts with my music turned up load and the sound of me jumping around in my room with the door shut.
As time went on, my obsession with exercise heightened - and my running was getting a little out of control. I'd be on the treadmill in the weekends for a solid couple of hours, just running. And I'd literally just eat an apple and peanut butter before I went on, and then fast all day until tea time. I couldn't handle putting food into my body during the day because it made me feel so 'fat'.
This sent me to receiving a lovely stress fracture in my right hip from over-training and under-nourishing myself.
I was down to about 48kg again, and I literally couldn't walk. I was in so much agonising pain from the stress fracture, yet I still tried to find a way to get on my bike and go to the gym, limping around like a frail idiot. The personal trainers would just look at me like "What the flying fuck are you doing here" - I would hobble around and train my LEGS because I didn't want them to get fat because I couldn't run anymore.
I had latched on to running like it was my ONLY answer.
My stress fracture took me about 4 months to heal - or longer. So I completely restricted my food, and I got down to 45kg again. I started to look sick, and I could tell my parents worried.
I had latched on to running like it was my ONLY answer.
My stress fracture took me about 4 months to heal - or longer. So I completely restricted my food, and I got down to 45kg again. I started to look sick, and I could tell my parents worried.
My parents ended up splitting up around this point - and they went their seperate ways. This still affects me to this day, but in different ways.
I have had two major relapses since I was diagnosed with Anorexia - one time was on holiday in Sydney, when I remember looking in the mirror and seeing how frail and embarrased of my body I was. I looked so sick. I was living of starbucks frappucino's and a mango and day, and I would walk about 10km around the city daily to burn that off.
I have had two major relapses since I was diagnosed with Anorexia - one time was on holiday in Sydney, when I remember looking in the mirror and seeing how frail and embarrased of my body I was. I looked so sick. I was living of starbucks frappucino's and a mango and day, and I would walk about 10km around the city daily to burn that off.
The second was on holiday up in Kaiteriteri in the Golden Bay - I would be up at 530am every morning running a 16km hill climb, then I would do beach sprints, then I would water-ski all day and go for walks. All living off apricots and coffee.
I remember the immense fear I had about food, and I remember being so embarrassed to walk around on the beach because people would just stare at me in disgust.
What a horrible way to live.
Every day, in and out, for that solid year was surrounded by my fear of gaining any more weight than I already had.
What a horrible way to live.
Every day, in and out, for that solid year was surrounded by my fear of gaining any more weight than I already had.
The amount of injuries I would get from running, and every time I would continue running - worsening each injury and slowly ruining my long term bone health. I suffer from so many pains and aches today as a result of this.
Then I remember, one night at work. It was after my boyfriend had broken up with at the time. I was so so so distraught, I remember going into the kitchen pass and thinking "Right, I need to eat."
So I ate. I ate and ate and ate until I could feel no more. I felt happy, carbs were flowing through my system. I was addicted. I wanted that feeling back.
I had experienced my first 'binge'.
Every day and night following that - I would go and seek food for comfort. Wether it be at work or at home. I would eat and eat and eat all throughout service, picking and devouring hot chips and hot potatoes and anything the chefs would pass out to me. I literally was consuming my whole days worth of calories in one 4 hour service at work.
I remember, every night whilst packing up the restaurant feeling so fat, lethargic and gross. I would run into the kitchen when all the chefs had left and steal food out of the fridge and eat it. That's how ridiculous shit got. I even, resorted to once eating food off a customers plate whilst they had merely touched the meal.
Food. Controlled. EVERYTHING.
This existence and pattern lasted about 6 months, before I knew it I had lost my motivation to train. I just wanted to 'give up ' because I was just so focused on food. I wanted MORE and MORE. It made me feel numb, painless and it felt like a friend.
I had put on 10kg, slowly but surely it was creeping on, and my pants got tighter and I became more self conscious in shorts - I knew I had to act, but.. I couldn't give up the numbing happiness that food gave me.
10kg later, along with staff drinks and lots of late night snacking and parties had left me in the gutter. I felt so unhappy and dissapointed with my body - but I just didnt care to care anymore.
The more I tried to control my food, the more it ended up controlling me. I just couldn't win.
A few months passed of this, and I ended up leaving my job, It was getting too much so I felt removing myself would help me get my body and mind back on track. It slowly did, and I slowly found my passions again. I even went overseas for the first time in my life - to Dubai, Greece and Bangkok. On that whole holiday I never really ate a single thing. It was the most beautiful experience in the world - simply breathtaking. But I was too caught up in losing all this weight, I would wake up at 7am and eat an egg white at the buffet breakfast and go for a 10km run around the Greek Islands. Eat nothing all day and sleep on the beach.
What a ridiculous way to spend a holiday. I basically spent 10 grand to starve myself.
But nonetheless, was one of the most amazing experiences I have ever encountered.
I had a new partner at the time here, and he taught me alot about myself. And that, I create my reality.
It made me come to grips, and grow up a little bit. But I still had this hold with food, and this obsessive nature of eating the same thing for a couple of weeks, then switching it up.
Then I remember, one night at work. It was after my boyfriend had broken up with at the time. I was so so so distraught, I remember going into the kitchen pass and thinking "Right, I need to eat."
So I ate. I ate and ate and ate until I could feel no more. I felt happy, carbs were flowing through my system. I was addicted. I wanted that feeling back.
I had experienced my first 'binge'.
Every day and night following that - I would go and seek food for comfort. Wether it be at work or at home. I would eat and eat and eat all throughout service, picking and devouring hot chips and hot potatoes and anything the chefs would pass out to me. I literally was consuming my whole days worth of calories in one 4 hour service at work.
I remember, every night whilst packing up the restaurant feeling so fat, lethargic and gross. I would run into the kitchen when all the chefs had left and steal food out of the fridge and eat it. That's how ridiculous shit got. I even, resorted to once eating food off a customers plate whilst they had merely touched the meal.
Food. Controlled. EVERYTHING.
This existence and pattern lasted about 6 months, before I knew it I had lost my motivation to train. I just wanted to 'give up ' because I was just so focused on food. I wanted MORE and MORE. It made me feel numb, painless and it felt like a friend.
I had put on 10kg, slowly but surely it was creeping on, and my pants got tighter and I became more self conscious in shorts - I knew I had to act, but.. I couldn't give up the numbing happiness that food gave me.
10kg later, along with staff drinks and lots of late night snacking and parties had left me in the gutter. I felt so unhappy and dissapointed with my body - but I just didnt care to care anymore.
The more I tried to control my food, the more it ended up controlling me. I just couldn't win.
A few months passed of this, and I ended up leaving my job, It was getting too much so I felt removing myself would help me get my body and mind back on track. It slowly did, and I slowly found my passions again. I even went overseas for the first time in my life - to Dubai, Greece and Bangkok. On that whole holiday I never really ate a single thing. It was the most beautiful experience in the world - simply breathtaking. But I was too caught up in losing all this weight, I would wake up at 7am and eat an egg white at the buffet breakfast and go for a 10km run around the Greek Islands. Eat nothing all day and sleep on the beach.
What a ridiculous way to spend a holiday. I basically spent 10 grand to starve myself.
But nonetheless, was one of the most amazing experiences I have ever encountered.
I had a new partner at the time here, and he taught me alot about myself. And that, I create my reality.
It made me come to grips, and grow up a little bit. But I still had this hold with food, and this obsessive nature of eating the same thing for a couple of weeks, then switching it up.
I would form nasty habits too hard to break free from unless I found a NEW and BETTER habit to replace it with.
I am, what you'd call, a creature of habit.
A year passed in and out with this obsessive unhappy lifestyle and my partner had enough - he left me for it and this absolutely broke me. I felt like my life had literally ended.
I had started work at a nearby gym as a receptionist, and had finally found something that made me positive and I could easily train again. There, I met one of my best friends to date - and someone I owe my whole life and heart took me under his wing, and become the friend I always needed. He recommended I should compete - apparantly I had crazy genetics. I was astounded. Me? Competing? I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but I trusted him. So this is when I started to get my head around eating REGULAR meals and breaking out of the same old obsessive routine. And by golly, it was so freaking hard. Each day I was left obsessing with food, which is my fault entirely for sitting at the computer looking at 'food porn' pages.
10 weeks into a competition diet and I had achieved amazing results.
BUT, My heart wasn't into it. For the past 10 weeks also, my addictive personality had found a new circle of friends and been introduced into a life of party drugs and partying every weekend. I became obsessed, addicted and always needing that escape. I have never felt so amazing in my life on drugs - and it cured my hunger.
Something clicked in my head - get a hold of these drugs and take them every day.
So. I did. The monkey had convinced me NOW that I could control my weight, AND eat what I wanted and not eat all day and still lose weight. I would pop a few pills, go train and go about my day absolutely nut wasted off my face. I wouldn't eat all day, then after I finished work at 9pm I would drive down to the supermarket. I would buy a 6 pack of scones, a loaf of ciabatta, chocolate... every delicious carb you can think of and I would sit in my car and consume it all until I comered out in my car.
I would wake up and repeat this cycle. Living in my wee secret life. I cut off my friends, cut of my family. I was kicked out of my home, and it was also my choice to leave also. I couch surfed for at least 3 months, high off drugs and bingeing every night. My weight skyrocketed back up and my trainer asked me what on earth I was thinking.
I couldn't even cook my meals having no home, so why on earth was I competing.
I pulled out of the comp 10 weeks out, and went on a rampant binge. I wasn't competing now, so, I literally ate and ate and ate and ate for days on end. Stuffing my face crying and going to sleep in a nearby park.
I remember going home and crying. My whole life was a mess. I was chemically so imbalanced, with no home, couldn't eat properly, was depressed and just utterly lost.
I am, what you'd call, a creature of habit.
A year passed in and out with this obsessive unhappy lifestyle and my partner had enough - he left me for it and this absolutely broke me. I felt like my life had literally ended.
I had started work at a nearby gym as a receptionist, and had finally found something that made me positive and I could easily train again. There, I met one of my best friends to date - and someone I owe my whole life and heart took me under his wing, and become the friend I always needed. He recommended I should compete - apparantly I had crazy genetics. I was astounded. Me? Competing? I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but I trusted him. So this is when I started to get my head around eating REGULAR meals and breaking out of the same old obsessive routine. And by golly, it was so freaking hard. Each day I was left obsessing with food, which is my fault entirely for sitting at the computer looking at 'food porn' pages.
10 weeks into a competition diet and I had achieved amazing results.
BUT, My heart wasn't into it. For the past 10 weeks also, my addictive personality had found a new circle of friends and been introduced into a life of party drugs and partying every weekend. I became obsessed, addicted and always needing that escape. I have never felt so amazing in my life on drugs - and it cured my hunger.
Something clicked in my head - get a hold of these drugs and take them every day.
So. I did. The monkey had convinced me NOW that I could control my weight, AND eat what I wanted and not eat all day and still lose weight. I would pop a few pills, go train and go about my day absolutely nut wasted off my face. I wouldn't eat all day, then after I finished work at 9pm I would drive down to the supermarket. I would buy a 6 pack of scones, a loaf of ciabatta, chocolate... every delicious carb you can think of and I would sit in my car and consume it all until I comered out in my car.
I would wake up and repeat this cycle. Living in my wee secret life. I cut off my friends, cut of my family. I was kicked out of my home, and it was also my choice to leave also. I couch surfed for at least 3 months, high off drugs and bingeing every night. My weight skyrocketed back up and my trainer asked me what on earth I was thinking.
I couldn't even cook my meals having no home, so why on earth was I competing.
I pulled out of the comp 10 weeks out, and went on a rampant binge. I wasn't competing now, so, I literally ate and ate and ate and ate for days on end. Stuffing my face crying and going to sleep in a nearby park.
I remember going home and crying. My whole life was a mess. I was chemically so imbalanced, with no home, couldn't eat properly, was depressed and just utterly lost.
That's when I decided I needed to turn my life around. Somehow. I needed to get away and restart again.
I can't go on running, I can't go on escaping my emotions - escaping my problems with food, and using drugs to try and justify I can eat what I want, when I want without it having further health complications.
I was fat, unhappy, chemically fucked in the head and had no direction. This is the lowest point I've ever been, and the closest I've ever been to taking my own life.
I'm going to leave it there for today.
This brings me to the near end of 2013.
Next blog I'm going to go into the more physiological effects and how I dealt with these and things I found helped me get out of THIS rut.
Thank-you for reading my crazy story haha x
Sam
I can't go on running, I can't go on escaping my emotions - escaping my problems with food, and using drugs to try and justify I can eat what I want, when I want without it having further health complications.
I was fat, unhappy, chemically fucked in the head and had no direction. This is the lowest point I've ever been, and the closest I've ever been to taking my own life.
I'm going to leave it there for today.
This brings me to the near end of 2013.
Next blog I'm going to go into the more physiological effects and how I dealt with these and things I found helped me get out of THIS rut.
Thank-you for reading my crazy story haha x
Sam
I'm in a bit of a rut again myself. But its not as deep as the last one, phew. As a bit of an aside, my boyfriend has been incredibly supportive but, at he end of the day, he just doesn't understand what it feels like to be on the brink of a binge or in the middle of a bad patch of junky eating that can lead to a binge. He makes comments that I think he thinks might snap me out of it but they only intensify the guilt. I've tried to explain it but we don't really get anywhere :-(
ReplyDeleteIt is very hard for outsiders to understand!! You are blessed to have a supportive partner, as am I at the moment.
DeleteI find the best way to describe or get someone to understand is to explain it in a theoretical sense; don't use food as an example, but maybe use something they use as an escape as an example too. Like smoking, alcohol, gaming etc. I found that helped. :)
Gaming it is lol! I'm crazy lucky to have my man around, we'll get there... Thanks for the advice and for your story; you pretty much rock.
DeleteStay strong girlie 😊😊 ill be making some blogs about how i try cope with binges recently which you may find helpful. Just remember, you arent alone x
DeleteWow Sam!that was an incredible read!i sit here at work procrastinating reading your blogs and I feel like crying!you are such a strong, beautiful woman who has put yourself through soo much at such a young age but still managed to come out of it all on top!i commend you for everything you do now, have done in the past and will do in the future!!
ReplyDeleteThankyou for your kind words Nicole :) Truly that means heaps!! xx
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