My alarm went of at 6:15... snooze... 6:30, Josh shoves me and said "You were meant to get up 15 mins ago!"
Hahaaa.. somebody's holding me accountable. Thanks babe. So I had a moan and slumped out of bed.
We both just went for a nice walk, its was really nice this morning. Nothing to pick up a sweat just spending some quality time together which was real nice :) Lots of laughs at real random shit too, something I value so much in our relationship!
Breakfast tiiiime at 7-30.. was so hungry! Smashed back all my vitamins and minerals and cooked up my rice cereal and mixed in my Vanilla Chai Fitmiss whey.. it tastes like HEAVEN. Seriously.
Josh didn't need to open store till 10am today so we got to just chill out and take our time this morning! Hanging out with my two twin siblings is hilarious, they are just hitting 3 and doing the funniest shit lol. Charlie always provides good amusement too! (That's my kitten btw)
So after dropping Josh off at work I felt like really breaking a sweet to get these legs jiggling a lil less.. it's really been frustrating me a lot lately. I saw a pic of myself that was taken today and nearly wanted to damn well cry at the sight of how huge my legs looked in comparison to my upper body.. I was like a fucking whale!! UGH!! I don't know why I get so caught up on it, I've always just wanted my super lean running legs back ever since I lost them :(
So, I went to the gym. Got on the tredmill and just slogged out some incline walk, got bored after 15mins and felt 'nothing burning' ... was about to get off then thought.. na, fuck it. I'll actually make some use of my time here. So I pushed through a few sets of sprints and felt very good after... maybe I should do this more often!! Still was doing my head in tho how bloated I am from period... grrrr. I spose it's a good sign tho considering the havoc my hormones have been thru lately w bub etc.
My meals today have been spot on, I made a huge focus on meal timing and cleaning them all up.
Meal 1; 1/2c rice cereal + 30g whey
Meal 2; 1/2c rice cereal + 3 egg whites + LSA
Meal 3; 150g chicken + 1/2c brown rice + capsicum + cucumber
Meal 4; Protein shake w water
Meal 5; 150g chicken + 80g roasted carrot + Salad + Pumpkin seeds w Greek Yoghurt + Sweet Chilli
Meal 6; I'll prob just have 30g Casein or 1 scoop of whey + 1 egg white for a protein mug cake... haven't decided yet xP Or maybe some protein icecream hmmm decisions lol.
I'm still trying to get myself back into the swing of weight training, so I jumped in with Josh to train back tonight, he's really clever and I'm learning lots off him.. as much as my ego hates it and likes to think I know everything! I need to get over myself and just LISTEN and LEARN if I want to get better.
I'm going through a lot spiritually and emotionally with regards to my relationship with food.
I was asked a very touching question last night,
"Will you ever get over your problem with food and your weight"
I didn't have an answer. I asked, why?
"Because It consumes your life"
Well.. yeah, It does. Honestly does. If I don't pay attention to it; I just go off the rails.. I eat mindlessly, gain weight and then am in an even worse place when I started.. I've done the "I can't be fucked caring" part before because I got so exhausted constantly restricting myself.
Whereas now, I don't feel 'restricted'... I still think about FOOD and my WEIGHT alot because 1. I want to make better food choices, and form a healthy relationship with food that doesn't control me in social situations etc. And 2. I'm not happy with my weight, I'll be point blank. It's partially due to the anorexia, but really, who the fuck is happy with there weight? Yes, I have this vision of 'perfection' in my mind... but I know I'm SO close to getting confident in wearing shorts and a bikini at the beach, I'm not quite there yet but I know if I really stick to it and form better habits I'll be on the right track.
I don't expect it to happen overnight.
It does get exhausting, thinking about food 24/7 and thinking about how much I despise how fat my legs and tummy have gotten... but it comes and goes in waves. I'm growing as a person, and I'm learning to deal with these things in a more 'mature' sense... It's not bugging me like it used to, I have always stressed about these things; except I would jump to the extreme end of the scale and just stop eating for weeks on end. Whereas now, I have more knowledge and know what I need to do.. I just need to stop being a lazy c**t and do the work!
Anyways. That's me out.
I'm going to try really hard this week and push myself that little bit further, both mentally and physically.
Time waits for nobody :)
X Sam.
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