New Outlook, New Challenges.

I didn't actually think to much of post-comp, I literally had never felt so motivated after my comp! I went straight back to the hotel and just started eating and stuffing my face, watching as my body absorbed all the carbs and I felt so lean and full and AWESOME.
Note to self; This doesn't last forever lol.
I went out for dinner down in Queenstown with my partner and friends and we had the time of our lives, so many laughs and just real nice company. Just what I needed to finish off the weekend, I've never felt so high on life. Seriously.

I received a message that evening - from Janere, a beautiful women who is the mother and owner of well established fitness model team "Fit Angels" over in Adelaide. She wanted me on her team!
I had never EVER thought I'd ever be offered an opportunity like that, it was such a humbling feeling known someone had been watching me and wanted me to be a part of their family.
I was so excited!

As soon as we arrived home after comp, I got home.. and felt so overtaken by the fact that I could eat absolutely anything in the pantry that I wanted. I was so overwhelmed, I almost felt like NOT eating because I couldn't decide. But I liked eating, so I just did it anyways. I went straight back to my bloody rice-cakes and carried on smashing back the whole tub of peanut butter, the whole tub of honey, about 5 bananas and 2 packs of rice-cakes. Ugh. Here we go, again. Okay.. Na, I'll just start eating clean again on Monday.
So, back on the same comp diet I was.. just eating my chicken and rice and veges... But, I just couldn't be fucked eating! I was so over eating all the time. So I just would eat quite sporadically.. I tried to keep my eating to every 3 hours but it was really just all over the place. I was just doing a bit of light cardio in the morning on the treadmill, but even that was a friggen mission. I was so damn over it.
Then it got about 2 weeks into me trying to maintain this lean physique and I just abbbbsolutely blew out. My cravings hit the roof, and it was back to the rice-cakes and peanut butter again. I got into a baaaad habit of buying heaps of protein bars from the gym I was working at - protein cookies, protein bars, whatever I could gorge on. I had done it now, I had to just keep going and drive it into the ground. For some reason I felt that it would make me feel better about it all. I wasn't even hungry. I was just eating for the sake of eating.

I'd feel like absolute shit when I got home. I'd go start cooking my partners meals for the next day, and I had this obsession with eating just plain cooked white rice, covering it in mayo, chicken salt and sweet chilli and cheese. It taste like heaven I swear haha. So I'd end up eating the 2 cups of rice I'd cooked for him and think "fuck" ... So, I had to go cook some more and do my best to try not to eat it.

Ugh. I would wake up the next day, bloated, puffy and feeling so fat. But I'd get straight back into it the next day; As much as I hated the skin I was in, as much as I wanted to rip off my skin. I'd just keep going - Eating my meals as clean as possible. The binge would have usually hit on a Wednesday, then it would get to Saturday; And I'd scheduled a cheat. And I literally could not wait for the cheat. I would start eating at around 3pm, sometimes It would be 12. I'd smash back a few rice balls in secret, then a protein bar, some chocolate, some chocolate licorice (seriously, that shiz is my face - those RJ's logs.. don't put them near me lol) Then I'd go home and cook up a bowl of sushi rice, add in the sushi vinegar, add teriyaki sauce, mayo and avocado and smash that back. Then I'd pull out the rice cakes and smash back a whole pack with full tub of peanut butter, full tub of honey and just feel like I was going to explode. I'd finish my eating rampage around 9pm. So that was like, A whole solid 6 hours of eating non stop. Ugh.

What an idiot! I couldn't get my head around this whole "cheat meal" mentality. I just wanted to eat and eat and eat ALL THE FRIGGEN FOOD!!! Why am I going back to square one?? I felt so fluffy, fat and disgusting.

So, I had ended up back at my start weight before my prep eventually after a few weeks of trying to hold off on binges, but giving in. I felt like I was getting suppppper watery in my stomach, and I just couldn't pick what was wrong! I was honestly just so stuck, so horribly stuck. I was following my diet to the TEE with the new meal plan I had been given to try reverse diet me, I seriously felt like I was going reverse though. I couldn't tell if it was my head, or just me being an absolute idiot.
I struggled to get motivated with training - I started sprinting, and felt my legs finally starting to lean out. However, I was just always SO HUNGRY and my tummy was feeling so damn bloated. I couldn't figure out what the shit was going on, I ended up going a whole week perfect, and even ended up going out for tea and enjoying a meal without pigging out. I felt so good! But then Wednesday came around, and the old rice cakes ended up drawing me back in again and it was all out the window.
Fucks sake. I'll try again tomorrow. Try, try, try again! WHY COULDN'T I GET MY HEAD AROUND THIS PREP?!?! I had around 18 weeks till FitX, but I wanted to do so much better than last time, but I honestly couldn't get myself motivated to train let alone eat my meals.

Then, I realized it had been 6 days since I missed my period.
I freaked. Fuck.
So, I urgently made a doctors appointment.
Mum came with me to the doctors, and after a urine test the test turned out positive.
Calculated on my last period, I was 5 weeks pregnant.

Holy Fuck.
My heart, just fell to the ground.
I literally feel I went out of body, I had just escaped my mind to cope. I welled with tears, I just felt like crying and crying and crying.
It all made sense now.
I didn't know who to tell, how to tell, or even how to tell it to myself.
I had literally JUST gotten my life back on track, I wasn't even earning enough money to raise a child! All of these thoughts were just racing through my mind 100 mile an hour, stressing and my anxiety peaked so much - I was so afraid. I was actually petrified.
Yet, the days following that, as emotional as they were, I grew to feel a connection with what was inside me; I felt a love I'd never ever felt before, I spose anybody else that's a mother will be able to describe this.
Being in such an emotional rampage, it all made sense.
In my head, the monkey said, "Well, your pregnant now. You may as well go and eat whatever you want" - So I did.
I went to the supermarket and brought a few packets of white wheat wraps, filled them with nutella and ate them. Then I ate licorice. About 5 packets of it. Then I ate rice cakes, a full packet and a full tub of nutella.
I felt so horrible. So fat. So bloated, and I was pregnant. What the flying fuck.
This has honestly only happened in the past 3 weeks, so this is my most up to date honest blog.
A few days passed of emotional and touching moments with my partner, and after long discussion and heart breaking sleeps; we had decided not to keep the baby. It wasn't the right time, and on reflection of both our parents relationships and how its affected us. Both sides of our families were a bit broken - and we don't want that for our child. We would want to provide it with everything it possibly could deserve. My mothering side of me longed for something to love and cherish, but the logical side of me just kept saying "Wait. Just wait."

So we went through the process of scans and bloods, the scan however - was confusing; They thought for a moment the baby was growing outside of my uterus as it was quite hard to see what was going on. I was scared.

I hated the weight I was gaining. I felt disgusting, like a whale, fat, bloated. I couldn't handle it. I felt so unmotivated and lost - my whole life has been tipped upside down! I couldn't even be motivated to train or move or even have a shower. I felt like a fucking slob.

I kept thinking 'what if' - all that would go through my mind is, what if this was ME. I wouldn't be here today. And that really broke my heart; I longed and had a spiritual side of me that believed in fate. So I felt guilty, horrible and was heart broken with the choice we had made.
I loved this child, and it wasn't even really anything yet. It was however, a soul that had come into my life and given me hope.

Then, the start of this week I started bleeding. It was just spotting initially, nothing major. But gradually, it increased and became it's heaviest by Thursday. After getting home from picking up Josh, I experienced a pain I had never felt before. It was bearable at first, but then it increased to a deep throb - as if someone had shoved a knife up my bum to be honest.
I freaked out, I couldn't bear it anymore. I started to break down into waterworks, and both my Mum and Josh were worried.

I ended up being taken into A & E.
I was so scared, what was happening to me? I was having an inkling that it would have been a miscarriage as it wasn't normal to be bleeding this heavy and in this much pain. Either that or I was hemorraging.

So, after some blood test and my bleeding being monitored for a few hours the Doctor finally came.
I couldn't have been more blessed, to have such a calm, relaxed and friendly Doctor - and it was a male, which made me feel safe and not stressed. I am still very thankful.
So, they did an examination to see what was going on, and the look on the doctor's face literally made me freak. I started shaking uncontrollably. The nurse squeezed my hand. I saw him rush to grab a bowl and a large pair of surgical scissors; I literally felt like fainting but I held in their.
A few minutes later and the procedure had past.
It felt like something had been lifted out of me. A weight had been removed, it felt like a soul had lifted out of my body. It was both the most spiritual but emotional experience of my life.

I was still shaking, the Doctor relaxed me.

They had removed what was causing the blockage, and it was our baby.

I felt so weird. So lost. It had all happened so quickly, nothing had sunk in.
I asked to say my goodbyes, I felt like it was needed for my heart.

The doctor asked if I was okay,  And, funnily enough I felt okay at the time. I thanked him kindly and the nurse, for making my feel at ease throughout everything.

Josh and my dad came back in, and I honestly just needed to be held.
I'm so thankful, for my man. He's been nothing but all I've ever needed, I'm so so grateful and my whole heart goes to this man for everything he's provided me, and everything he is to me.
I felt safe in his arms, like nothing could touch me.

The drive home was emotional; Some music was playing in the car that just took me into a trance, and made me reflect on life and how far and the experiences I'd been through, and how precious life is. How easily, I could not be here.

When I shut my eyes, I can see our childs face. I don't know whether this is me just going crazy, or me being more spiritually in touch with the experience. But, he is beautiful.
And it makes me cry, out of happiness and hope that one day we will be blessed again when the timing is right.

So. This leaves me to where I am today.
I'm still in a bit of pain, and I honestly still feel like a whale.
It puts in perspective how all the body image issues I face are so stupid, but they are so strong in myself and I still battle with them everyday.

I've been trying to keep myself as balanced as possible - I had a small binge yesterday of rice-cakes, but to be honest I haven't had a binge in a while. I've been trying to keep as balanced as possible with my eating eating rice cakes in LIMITED quantities, chicken sometimes and yoghurt. I haven't felt like eating a lot, I just lost my appetite completely after the emotional hell war.

So, where does that leave me?
I feel disgusting. It's been a challenge, mentally. The amount of weight I've put on from no training and just binges from this emotional experience has left me back where I started; It's just exhausting.

I know I can do it. I know I can feel good about myself.
But I want to do it right this time. I want to do it all for me; because I value now how precious my life is.

So, I'm here now. I'm going to post a picture this week of how I'm looking, for progress purposes, not in a sense I want to judge myself but I want to be okay with how I look at the moment.
I want to focus on the beautiful parts of my soul; The love I have, the love I can give and also.. eventually, the love I establish for myself.

So, here goes nothing.
Here goes to the next beginning of the next journey.


Sam. x