Well.
Seriously.
Everyday atm I feel like I am just finding something new about myself, something I want to change, because I'm SICK of living day in and day out in anxiety. Sick of finding a problem in fucking well, everything.
Sometimes I feel, I shouldn't have the RIGHT to feel good, lifes not meant to feel that good, because I'm so used and comfortable for it being shitty. When really, it's all about perspective.
My brains so stupid.
I know all the answers to my problems, yet I'll skip and dance around the bloody things and just over think about over thinking until I've thought a cucumber into a watermelon. It's pretty fucking mental... I swear if anyone was in my head for a day they'd leap out in a few mins ahhaah!
I'm feeling a lil lost atm.. in all aspects of my life. Esp "fitness wise"
I'm still latched on to wanting to be "small" and wanting to be "light and lean" .... Seriously, I'd do anything to get there except maybe diet and exercise bahahaha. Joking. But really. I'm struggling to find my source of motivation!
Josh asked me a few questions today, and its made me reflect A LOT on whats true to my heart and whats just feeding my ego.
I'm not enjoying the gym, to be honest I cant be fucked going. Im not sure If im just being a DICK or if it's really not serving me.
WTF are my goals anyway?
Well to be honest, to put it simply, I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin.
I want to feel comfortable walking around the gym in nike pro shorts.
I want to be able to go for a run in shorts.
I want to be able to wear cute short summer dresses instead of looking like a stump.
I want to wear denim shorts in summer and get tan on my legs lol!
Those simple things that are taken away from me atm because I'm so damn uncomfortable with how I look, I can't fit any of my usual clothes :(
But then again, I'm 21 - not 16. I still hang onto that 16 year old body and think I can achieve it again.
UGH.
I tore a ligament or something around my knee/hamstring on my run yesterday (arrggg) so I couldn't run this morning :( So cardio well, went shit. I thought, I can't run. What's the point.
I did 5 mins on the spin bike, bored.
15 on the x-trainer. Bored.
Did some abs.
Then just left.
Oh well at least I did something I spose!
Diet was going supeeeerb until boredem kicked in.
Josh made a pact w me to not use facebook at all today, I realise I spend way to much time distracting myself from my problems.
So today. all the problems came flooding in and I had to face them. It's been... horrible. Haha. But Necessary.
I didn't know what to do with myself!!! The western world is so fucked, I can't believe how facebook just fucked w my mind!! I was so bored and so lost, I just went to eat straight after meal 3. WTF!! I wasn't due for a meal until like 4pm but I just hoed into my seed crackers w peanut butter... made the mistake of buying a whole jar. Lucky I stopped myself before it got too out of control... Josh asked me "Should you be eating those" .. I just look at him and said "I'm hungry" .. when really no I wasn't, I was just bored!!
Still learning these triggers, but at least I'm learning to stop myself before it goes out of control.
Trained back tonight too, I wasn't really motivated - I felt I had no 'purpose' at the gym. I'm not training for anything. It seems like a never ending finish line and I just thought what's the fucking point, I don't even enjoy this. But I stuck at it and pushed through a small back workout w Josh. I'm really grateful for him taking time out of his day to put energy into my shit and even when I get frustrated, he's still there. I love that boy like nothing else :)
So yeah.
I've been thinking heaps about what I want to 'train' for.. I feel like I've done everything under the sun, done well at it, but not enjoyed it. Running, Triathlon, Cycling, Tennis, Bodybuilding... Ugh jesus christ lol.
I'm going to stick with the main goal until I find something my heart wants to train for; Getting comfortable. Fitting a pair of summer shorts. Being able to run 10km without stopping. Or something along those lines... I need to actually get to the basics because I have my head waaaaay too high up in the clouds and need to get off my high horse!! Yes I just competed. but that doesn't make me 10 steps ahead or above anybody else, I'm still a girl trying to feel good about herself!
Good old ego issues, eh? I'm grateful I have the awareness to address them.
I'm still battling a bit of anxiety. My phone rang a few times today and I was too scared to pick it up... gotta work on this.
Alrighty. I know what I want to work on now, and it's each day at a time.
Taking a step back and just being patient.... trying to. :)
Sam x
Tuesday, 7 January 2014
Sunday, 5 January 2014
Day 22; Anxiety please go away! Unlocking my demons
Well, I'm really focussed on making a good effort this week.
Last week went out the window in all aspects because I relaxed heaps and I really did just beat myself up over it, people don't quite understand sometimes.. they go, "Omg, just dont do that to yourself" "You look fine!"
Thank-you, I appreciate that. But no, it's not good enough just yet. My goals differ from yours, I want to compete again, I want to be in the best shape of my life, but I want to have the best mind too.
I like control. It's from the ED, I know. I LOVE control and if I don't have it, I feel meaningless.
So, yes, I'm going to suffer and probably drag myself to the ground until i find the secret answer to this. But I will not fall down and not get up - I will always get back up. I'm looking at competing later in the year.. I have such a hunger to be in comp shape again and I feel I can start to manage it a lil better. It will be challenging thats for sure!
Meals = prepped. Focusing strong today (yes it's a monday, im good at these lol) and I smashed out a 35m run on the Mildred mixing between incline walk, speed 15 sprints and my stead speed 12.5run which ended me round about 6km and 500-600 cals.
The main thing I battle with these days is my anxiety. I'm on medication for it, but seriously. anxiety makes my life hell. it makes it harder and harder to manage everyday.
If I've done something wrong, my whole world will stop and I'll just FREAK going to the worst possible conclusion. It happened today, I'd done something wrong at work and my partner (Who's my boss) told me, and instead of taking it lightly I took it way to harsh and just punched myself in the gut basically.
Every single job I've had, I've made STUPID mistakes because I can't pay attention; I swear I'm part ADHD, I can't focus on anything for more than 20 mins... I'll get bored way to easy and my mind starts to wander in heaps of diff places .. I'll think about anything other than the task at hand, or I'll distract myself from thinking about things I need to do because I'm thinking about food and how I can binge. (I haven't done this in a while thank god.)
I cancel on people hanging out, I won't pick up my phone, I won't ring people, I won't see my own family, I won't apply for a job, I won't do anything because I get too fucking scared I'll fuck it up.
What kind of a way is that to live?
I'm honestly so sick of it. I constantly worry about the STUPIDEST shit... I've only realised because my partner has made this come to light for me, and if I really want to move forward I need to change and start facing these things.
So I need to make a wee list.
1. I can't work for most people, you may not understand but seriously.. it just doesn't fucking happen and i dont want it to ever.
so I'm going to have to figure out a way to make do for myself. I'm lucky to have some amazing bosses atm with isupps who give me no anxiety, but living off 250 per week isint really ideal, it's do-able but I'm up shit creek most of the time.. So I need to hit the drawing board. ANY ideas are appreciated or if anyone's cool and has cool jobs lol.
2. I need to learn to budget. I waste the little money I have on really stupid shit and unnecessary purchases... I don't even realize I do it most of the time, so I need to be more responsible here.
3. Set up payment for my fines, Renew my passport and all those other stupid life things.
It seems like all so much when I look at it but I'll just chip away at it as I can.
So yeah, Basically, I will drive myself into a shithole because I get so anxious. My anxiety stemmed from Anorexia, Anorexia makes you feel that- makes you feel the worry. It makes you live in a state of fear EVER single second of every day. And I've carried that habit through without even realising, but it's time to break it.
I don't have a fear of food anymore, but I seem to have this fear that I won't ever be good enough.
This whole 'getting attention from losing weight' is so apparent some days, some days I feel so shit. During comp prep I got so much praise from my partner, coach and everyone else that I looked so good... now nobody says anything so I feel, do they think I look gross? Is that why they aren't saying anything.
It's really weird.
Anyway, lying on bed with my charlie cat atm and about to head back into town to pick up Josh. I'm going to try do some weights by myself tonight.. here goes nothing! I might youtube some training vids to get some ideas...
Anywhoooooo.
Time to take a breath, it feels good to get all this shit off my chest.
<3 Namaste.
Sam
Last week went out the window in all aspects because I relaxed heaps and I really did just beat myself up over it, people don't quite understand sometimes.. they go, "Omg, just dont do that to yourself" "You look fine!"
Thank-you, I appreciate that. But no, it's not good enough just yet. My goals differ from yours, I want to compete again, I want to be in the best shape of my life, but I want to have the best mind too.
I like control. It's from the ED, I know. I LOVE control and if I don't have it, I feel meaningless.
So, yes, I'm going to suffer and probably drag myself to the ground until i find the secret answer to this. But I will not fall down and not get up - I will always get back up. I'm looking at competing later in the year.. I have such a hunger to be in comp shape again and I feel I can start to manage it a lil better. It will be challenging thats for sure!
Meals = prepped. Focusing strong today (yes it's a monday, im good at these lol) and I smashed out a 35m run on the Mildred mixing between incline walk, speed 15 sprints and my stead speed 12.5run which ended me round about 6km and 500-600 cals.
The main thing I battle with these days is my anxiety. I'm on medication for it, but seriously. anxiety makes my life hell. it makes it harder and harder to manage everyday.
If I've done something wrong, my whole world will stop and I'll just FREAK going to the worst possible conclusion. It happened today, I'd done something wrong at work and my partner (Who's my boss) told me, and instead of taking it lightly I took it way to harsh and just punched myself in the gut basically.
Every single job I've had, I've made STUPID mistakes because I can't pay attention; I swear I'm part ADHD, I can't focus on anything for more than 20 mins... I'll get bored way to easy and my mind starts to wander in heaps of diff places .. I'll think about anything other than the task at hand, or I'll distract myself from thinking about things I need to do because I'm thinking about food and how I can binge. (I haven't done this in a while thank god.)
I cancel on people hanging out, I won't pick up my phone, I won't ring people, I won't see my own family, I won't apply for a job, I won't do anything because I get too fucking scared I'll fuck it up.
What kind of a way is that to live?
I'm honestly so sick of it. I constantly worry about the STUPIDEST shit... I've only realised because my partner has made this come to light for me, and if I really want to move forward I need to change and start facing these things.
So I need to make a wee list.
1. I can't work for most people, you may not understand but seriously.. it just doesn't fucking happen and i dont want it to ever.
so I'm going to have to figure out a way to make do for myself. I'm lucky to have some amazing bosses atm with isupps who give me no anxiety, but living off 250 per week isint really ideal, it's do-able but I'm up shit creek most of the time.. So I need to hit the drawing board. ANY ideas are appreciated or if anyone's cool and has cool jobs lol.
2. I need to learn to budget. I waste the little money I have on really stupid shit and unnecessary purchases... I don't even realize I do it most of the time, so I need to be more responsible here.
3. Set up payment for my fines, Renew my passport and all those other stupid life things.
It seems like all so much when I look at it but I'll just chip away at it as I can.
So yeah, Basically, I will drive myself into a shithole because I get so anxious. My anxiety stemmed from Anorexia, Anorexia makes you feel that- makes you feel the worry. It makes you live in a state of fear EVER single second of every day. And I've carried that habit through without even realising, but it's time to break it.
I don't have a fear of food anymore, but I seem to have this fear that I won't ever be good enough.
This whole 'getting attention from losing weight' is so apparent some days, some days I feel so shit. During comp prep I got so much praise from my partner, coach and everyone else that I looked so good... now nobody says anything so I feel, do they think I look gross? Is that why they aren't saying anything.
It's really weird.
Anyway, lying on bed with my charlie cat atm and about to head back into town to pick up Josh. I'm going to try do some weights by myself tonight.. here goes nothing! I might youtube some training vids to get some ideas...
Anywhoooooo.
Time to take a breath, it feels good to get all this shit off my chest.
<3 Namaste.
Sam
Day(s) 20 & 21; Fall down 7, stand up 8. Here we go again.
Alrighty.
I been battling BIG time in my own head lately.
So, the start of this week I told myself I was going to have a good week and follow my meals and train nearly 4x.
ermm... This did NOT happen! Guh.
I dont even know why I eat shit.
Sometimes, as soon as I have a bite. ALl hell breaks lose.
I have this MASSIVE war inside my head like.. "Sam, don't do it, you'll regret it."
"Na I don't care"
"You'll seriously feel shit"
"Na fuck off"
*eats food*
*feels shit*
"Fuck it"
Every. Single. Time.
I'm still learning to exercise that thing... called willpower! But I struggle to know what's willpower, whats depriving myself and whats living and being kind to myself. I guess I gotta figure out what I truly want... :/
I was spun off big time with a wedding in the middle of the week, surrounded by good food and good company.. and I find it SO hard to just let go.. As soon as I let go, I feel I've completely lost control and I'll drive myself into the ground. WHY the fuck do I do this?!?! God I just want to not care about my weight FOR ONE FUCKING DAY!!!!!
I told myself yesterday, okay, get back into clean eating.
Yeah well that went out the window as soon as I got to work.
Fucking quest bars! I bought a few at the start of the day because I didn't prep my meals, and I said to myself "Okay, eat one every 3 hours."
As soon as I had smashed back the first one, I ate the rest. And some other protein bars. Before I'd eaten like my body-weight in protein bars. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK you idiot!!!!
I went to drink a whole shit load of amino's because I felt so gross and needed to flush my system out.
I wasn't hungry until like 7pm that night.
Walking around the mall going to the movies, I felt like such a whale, I kept glancing my reflection in the mirror and the thoughts of all the bad food I've eaten, all the exercise I didn't do would rush it and it would show on my face and the vision of me would be so warped. I kept focusing on how loose my bum felt and how puffy my face was and how wide I was getting! Ugh!! I feel like I'm just starting all over again :(
Last night I went a bit OTT with the cookie dough protein again... :( 3 bowls later. I spose there could have been much worse things I could have eaten... but I just love food so much!!! Why am I so addicted to EATING??!?! As soon as I get addicted to eating lots, I get so lazy and just won't train. It'd be okay if I was training hard, but I'm not... I'm just fucking around wishing for shit to happen.
Sorry for all my swearing I just get so passionate... I'm just kinad spilling out my thoughts and typing as they come lol!! Weird.
TODAY.. okay, so, slept in till 12am (omg) .. I spose that means I won't eat as much today.
I had breakfast/lunch which was 1/2c rice cereal + scoop of my fitmiss vanilla chai whey.
And I smashed back alllll my vitamins and minerals, from my fatburner and my CLA and my multis bla bla bla lol.. needed to feel BACK IN THE GAME!!!
Me and Josh went to the gym around 3pm and I went for a 25m run with walk/sprint intervals and then some plyo work. I told myself I would do 30 but for some stuupid reason I got off at 25... I don't even know why. Lol. Fucks sake. I'm GOING to do 35 tomorrow.
I honestly felt SO much better about myself after my smash of cardio. Was prob one of the better sessions I've had in a while. *mental note* I FEEL GOOD AFTER I EXCERCISE AND EAT GOOD!!! I need to keep reminding myself this everytime I feel like skipping a workout or eating a shitty meal.
So, done the groceries got home and cooked my meals for tomorrow!
My meals tomorrow will go as;
1/2c rice cereal w 3x egg whites
150g chick w 1/2c israeli couscous
150g beef w 1/2c israeli couscous and roast beetroot
1 small banana mashed w seeds and tsp maca powder
POST W/O Protein shake
150g fish + tomato
Okay... lets do this.
I can do it.
I can do it
I
CAN
DO IT!!
Gotta keep reminding myself that this process, it takes a lot of patience.
Am just munching on some protein icecream, Yum :)
Tomorrow I am going to get up, do my cardio and then do my work for the day and drink lots of water, and maybe even adventure somewhere nice if the weather is looking good!
I plan on training shoulders and glutes tomorrow - my two faves!
Bum bum ba dooommm!! Here we go.
This process is about falling down, and getting back up! I've fallen down, but It's time to get back up.I could go off the wagon completely, heck, it was so tempting.. and it's taken a lot of strength to realise what I truly want..to be healthy and happy.
XO sam
I been battling BIG time in my own head lately.
So, the start of this week I told myself I was going to have a good week and follow my meals and train nearly 4x.
ermm... This did NOT happen! Guh.
I dont even know why I eat shit.
Sometimes, as soon as I have a bite. ALl hell breaks lose.
I have this MASSIVE war inside my head like.. "Sam, don't do it, you'll regret it."
"Na I don't care"
"You'll seriously feel shit"
"Na fuck off"
*eats food*
*feels shit*
"Fuck it"
Every. Single. Time.
I'm still learning to exercise that thing... called willpower! But I struggle to know what's willpower, whats depriving myself and whats living and being kind to myself. I guess I gotta figure out what I truly want... :/
I was spun off big time with a wedding in the middle of the week, surrounded by good food and good company.. and I find it SO hard to just let go.. As soon as I let go, I feel I've completely lost control and I'll drive myself into the ground. WHY the fuck do I do this?!?! God I just want to not care about my weight FOR ONE FUCKING DAY!!!!!
I told myself yesterday, okay, get back into clean eating.
Yeah well that went out the window as soon as I got to work.
Fucking quest bars! I bought a few at the start of the day because I didn't prep my meals, and I said to myself "Okay, eat one every 3 hours."
As soon as I had smashed back the first one, I ate the rest. And some other protein bars. Before I'd eaten like my body-weight in protein bars. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK you idiot!!!!
I went to drink a whole shit load of amino's because I felt so gross and needed to flush my system out.
I wasn't hungry until like 7pm that night.
Walking around the mall going to the movies, I felt like such a whale, I kept glancing my reflection in the mirror and the thoughts of all the bad food I've eaten, all the exercise I didn't do would rush it and it would show on my face and the vision of me would be so warped. I kept focusing on how loose my bum felt and how puffy my face was and how wide I was getting! Ugh!! I feel like I'm just starting all over again :(
Last night I went a bit OTT with the cookie dough protein again... :( 3 bowls later. I spose there could have been much worse things I could have eaten... but I just love food so much!!! Why am I so addicted to EATING??!?! As soon as I get addicted to eating lots, I get so lazy and just won't train. It'd be okay if I was training hard, but I'm not... I'm just fucking around wishing for shit to happen.
Sorry for all my swearing I just get so passionate... I'm just kinad spilling out my thoughts and typing as they come lol!! Weird.
TODAY.. okay, so, slept in till 12am (omg) .. I spose that means I won't eat as much today.
I had breakfast/lunch which was 1/2c rice cereal + scoop of my fitmiss vanilla chai whey.
And I smashed back alllll my vitamins and minerals, from my fatburner and my CLA and my multis bla bla bla lol.. needed to feel BACK IN THE GAME!!!
Me and Josh went to the gym around 3pm and I went for a 25m run with walk/sprint intervals and then some plyo work. I told myself I would do 30 but for some stuupid reason I got off at 25... I don't even know why. Lol. Fucks sake. I'm GOING to do 35 tomorrow.
I honestly felt SO much better about myself after my smash of cardio. Was prob one of the better sessions I've had in a while. *mental note* I FEEL GOOD AFTER I EXCERCISE AND EAT GOOD!!! I need to keep reminding myself this everytime I feel like skipping a workout or eating a shitty meal.
So, done the groceries got home and cooked my meals for tomorrow!
My meals tomorrow will go as;
1/2c rice cereal w 3x egg whites
150g chick w 1/2c israeli couscous
150g beef w 1/2c israeli couscous and roast beetroot
1 small banana mashed w seeds and tsp maca powder
POST W/O Protein shake
150g fish + tomato
Okay... lets do this.
I can do it.
I can do it
I
CAN
DO IT!!
Gotta keep reminding myself that this process, it takes a lot of patience.
Am just munching on some protein icecream, Yum :)
Tomorrow I am going to get up, do my cardio and then do my work for the day and drink lots of water, and maybe even adventure somewhere nice if the weather is looking good!
I plan on training shoulders and glutes tomorrow - my two faves!
Bum bum ba dooommm!! Here we go.
This process is about falling down, and getting back up! I've fallen down, but It's time to get back up.I could go off the wagon completely, heck, it was so tempting.. and it's taken a lot of strength to realise what I truly want..to be healthy and happy.
XO sam
Thursday, 2 January 2014
Day(s) 17,18 & 19; A night to be remembered with a side of coconut cream pie
Wow!
What a couple of days.. I've been meaning to sit down to have a ramble about my thoughts but I've actually just been enjoying life these past couple of days!!
I've been with my partner out in Springfield for one of my best friends weddings :) These two; Shane & Angie I owe so much too... they are so generous, caring and I consider them family!! We trecked out to Springfield Motel & Lodge where the wedding reception was going to be held, the ceremony itself was going to be up at Castle Hill!
I was a little nervous initially... wedding. Food. Lots of food. Usually this triggers off a huuuuge anxiety freak out and I end up having social anxiety because I can't focus on what people are saying because I think about food.. Should I pack my meals? Should I be organized? Or should I just enjoy myself? Will I feel fat? I'm going to feel fat aren't I...
When we got there I had a meal of my protein cookie dough I had made to take away.. then I started feeling peckish as we were helping set up. Some DELICIOUS tortilla crisp's were being freshly made... white tortillas, coated in butter, sugar and cinnamon and then oven baked.
I ate around a whole bowl to myself and got so addicted to just making getting some of them my priority.. I'd put food over helping out for goodness sakes!! I was happy tho, I didn't feel deprived and they tasted REALLY good.
That kinda set off the "Food food, picky" mode... We drove down to Darfeild and got some takeaway meals from the pub, I just wanted some roast veges, I had a few of my partners chips and then some pumpkin pieces out of my roast veg but I wasn't very hungry because I'd been picking, I Just ate out of habit.
I felt prettttty bloated.. but tried to brush it off.
Shane offered me a drink.
I haven't drunk in 2 years or so now, so I was a little apprehensive.. I mean, I'm not competing.. Am I allowed?
I had one anyway. One vodka turned into me having about 5 or 6 and feeling preeeettty drunk... (Lightweight lol) .. It actually was nice, good company, feeling a lil buzzy and not worrying about the dumb shit I would usually worry about.
Had a good heart to heart to my partner in the hot tub too; A lot of things I need to work on this year.
A big one for me is taking responsibility with the small things (Rent, Food, Life basics etc) ... For SO long I've actually used my Anorexia as an 'excuse' to feel sorry for myself, well, that's how Josh put it. And he was right. Initially I was like, WTF I don't feel sorry for myself! But when I break it down, it's really all it is.
Anorexia has made me lose jobs. It has robbed me of friendship, of being able to be in social situations. And I still struggle with all these things today, not as much as a used to. Training and exercise would come before my work or school... I'd call in sick or skip school if I knew I was going to clash with a training session, and I'd go to train having the WORST anxiety.. What if I got caught!! Arg.
And this habit, is something I carry through with me today; still using that same obsession with food as my excuse. I've lost jobs too, because I don't perform well and don't listen because I'm too busy thinking about how I can get my hands on food.
I burst into tears, realising how LONG I've gone like this... I WAS sorry for myself. More for my soul, for putting it through this torture.
Alrighty, after my drunk cry it was time for bed; we had a big day tomorrow and I was doing the brides and bridesmaids makeup as well as being the Photographer!
It was actually so fun getting ready for the wedding!! I love doing makeup and have found a wee nieche for it and find it fun! I got up around 9am and made myself some breakfast that I had brought with me for the day; Oats and protein. Nice and simple. I felt a little groggy from the vodka the night before but hey, I was okay.
I felt a littttle nervous as to what dress to wear... I brought two options; One was a sleek black dress and the second, a maxi red one that was quite floaty.
I felt nervous because I wasn't happy with how I looked.. I"d been eating not too my plan for 3 days now so I was feeling pretty bloated and yucky as apposed to last week!! I feel like I'm going backwards :(
I opted for the red floaty one to hide any bits and so I could eat without being concious that my tummy wasn't flat... I felt better with that decision!
SO, all make up done, all getting ready stuff done, time to drive the beautiful flower girls to Castle Hill and join the rest of the party!! I got lots of compliments on my eyes and makeup and lashes wich was so nice.. took my mind away from the fact I felt gross on my body!! It's nice to pick out nicer points about yourself instead of thinking of the superficial bullshit.
The wedding was just gorgeous, I won't go into too much of it here as I think my pictures will speak more than words. I am so very happy for these two beautiful people in my life.
Coming back, I knew it would be food time... I was actually excited about eating some goooood food!! We were staying in Springfield again tonight so I could drink again because wouldn't have to drive home!
The food was amazing.. once again, buffeetttt.. got a lil anxious but then just thought FUCK IT! I'm here, with my great friends, I'm going to damn well enjoy this. I don't need to be skinny for anybody or anything right now. I want to live. THIS DOESNT MEAN I CAN BINGE.
SO, I didn't binge. I had a plate of those tortilla things with mango salsa, and then some sushi and thennnn Angie's mom had made apple pie and coconut cream pie.. COCONUT CREAM PIE! HOLY SHIT HOLLLLYS HIT honestly the BEST thing I have EVER EVER EVER tasted!!! I'm going to find this recipe lol!!! I had 3 slices of the damn thing and 2 of apple pie.. Woops!!! Haha. But they tasted amazing... I don't know why I couldn't stop at just 1... I had to just top it off a bit more I think to make sure I hadn't 'missed out' ..?
I had so much punch. Last night was possibly the drunkest I've been in 3 years... it was hilarious hahahaha. I actually had a really good time, YES, my 'new years' resolution was to be my healthiest, YES, I haven't been healthy over the past few days eating very relaxed, not training, and drinking alcohol. YES it's going to take a toll on my body.. I can feel it today, I'm groggy, blown out and feel pretty yucky!!! But, I must be responsible for this. I had a choice at the end of the day; but it meant more to me being able to 'party' and have fun with some of my best friends in my life who have given me nothing but all I'd ever need!!
We were so hammertime, the boys were hilarious, esp Josh (One with Aztec tattoo in photos) .. Hhaha, Ive never seen him drink like that so it was cool to know he was enjoying himself too!!
Well, we had to be in store at 9am this morning so it's a hour drive from Springfield to town, so we were up at about 6-45 to head home and shower etc. I slept on the floor of the shop out back for like 3 hours because I seriously thought I was going to fall asleep at the wheel.
I'm still pretty drained, haven't trained and have eaten today;
1/2c oats + 3 egg whites + cacao nibs
30g whey, 2tbsp coconut flour + cacao nibs and almond butter
Handful of scroggin
Few pieces of dark chocolate
Amino's
Soo, not much and kinda random amounts. But I've had sooo much food over the past couple of days!! I felt a bit confused as I didn't know if I should eat really clean today because I've had so many days off I adopted the "AHHH, fuck it, it doesn't matter it wont hurt you" Attitude... Errrmmm.. NO.
It's playing w my head a bit ,I havent taken any pics because I know that it will take me a few days of solid eating and training to balance back out to where I was. Trying my best to not let this get the better of me, as my main goal again is that I want to be able to "LIVE" without feeling guilt, and still reach my goals.
There will be the way.
Sam xx
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| A million reasons as to why I love this man. |
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| Me and Chrissy and her 'derp' face haha |
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| Shit got pretty mental lol! |
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| The two faves of the day <3 |
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| Myself, Angie and Brydie (Greaaat shot of Brydie ahha) |
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| Apple pieieeeeee |
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| Cute wee cupcakes :) |
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| THESE ARE THE TORTILLAS. OMG SO GOOD. I ate most of that bowl lol. |
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| The pies. Dun dun dun. |
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| Josh's fave - Cray cray! |
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| My 'family' :) Josh, Shane, Angie and Myself. |
Monday, 30 December 2013
Day 16; 365 days of remembrance
Well, shit. I actually can't believe it's the end of the year lol where the fuck did that go? This time last year I was out in Springfield, in some of the most fucked up times of my life, was in the spa with my partner, Josh, looking into the sky and feeling the energy of the new year. The moon was huge, with the most powerful ring around it.. my spiritual side thrives off these things, and the feeling I got whilst shutting my eyes and having the wind caress my face was a reassuring step that this year I was going to face a lot of triumph and a lot of battle.
The start of the year, was probably the biggest battle for me. The depression I had sunk myself into would suffocate every aspect of my life- behind the smiley, crazy Murphy you saw was a girl who tried to commit suicide twice and who thought there was no point being here anymore.
I'm thankful for each and everyone of my friends and family, especially Josh, who carried me on their shoulders through that period.
Anyone who has been a finger thread close to commiting suicide knows that htis feeling is impossible to describe to anyone. You literally have hit the bottom of bottoms. It's like you see nothing, but this black sheet that is dropping faster and faster to your body and soul.
It's torture. It's death itself coming after you.
I competed this year too.
Something I honestly thought I NEVER could do, and I fucking done it.
I thought food would have too much of a hold of me and I put it in the too hard basket, an anorexic and binge eater could not compete.
But, I fucking did it. I done everything I could. I fucked up, I binged on my diet, I skipped trainings, I did all that useless shit but the main thing stands is that I GOT ON STAGE AND GOT TO SMILE. That's all I ever wanted.
So, my major hurdles and lessons I've learnt this year have brought me to such a high spiritual awakening, I do feel very in 'power'. I have my moments, but I'm just learning the in's and out's of this funny thing called life. Turning 21 this year was a huge creep-out for me. 21. Jesus. Haha. I know all you that are older than me will laugh at that but seriously isin't going up in numbers such a weird concept??
Trained legs today with Josh. This was a challenge, as I always put my guard up and put things in the too hard basket. I'll 'not feel it working' and lose focus and attention. I'll get angry at myself. And I'll think I'm useless and can't do something.
All of these things I want to work on. Time to get uncomfortable and see what I"m capable of instead of 'pretending' to be shit c**t.
Didn't do a lot of cardio today, just went for a walk and a few sprints this morning... Still struggling with moving how I want to with my legs being so much bigger than they used to... I get so frustrated and think whats the point so I'll just start walking.
Today was a good day for me, I had one of those 'fat days' however.
Okay, just need to clear something up too. When I say 'omg I feel fat' I don't mean that I think I'm horribly obese but, it's a biproduct of Anorexia and Body Dismorphia. The way I view myself, is completely different to how you view me. And you'll never be able to comprehend it, unless you spend a day in my mind.
Going from 12%BF to around 24% where I am now, is actually just mind fucking. It makes you feel like you've gained around 20kg, when in reality it's only 5-6 or 8. But it seriously feels like so much more, it feels like it's stuck to your skin, you can't get it off. It's uncomfortbale, and it's not meant to be there. It's come on SO fast that you haven't had time to comprehend or adjust, you can only repulsively look at it in disgust and want to rip your skin off.
That's how I feel.
Yes, I know I should 'love' my body.. I do love my body, for all it gives me. But I STILL face these battles when I get so fixated on parts of my body. I"m a lot better than I used to be, and I'm willing to put up a fight until the day I can be FREE.
I have had some treats tonight too.
I have eaten 100% clean today until just before, when I had a few pieces of licorique and some ferrero rochers... usually I don't even stray towards this stuff but I just ate it mindlessly, and I actually enjoyed it. It was nice to not feel inclined to eat the whole lot, I still am having a wee war in my head about going and eating more and I feel a picking binge coming on, but I'm going to do my best to fight it off and maybe just make a bowl (or two) of cookie dough. It's the end of the year for gods sake lol.
Still struggling with that "I'm not competing now, so I can relax a bit" because I don't really have the most accurate gauge on relaxing... my relaxing used to include me really not giving a fuck and going on an all right binge. "Careless" probably better for it lol and then I'd be left sitting in the gutter feeling like a fat asshole.
Yeaaaah, I'm pretty horrible to myself. I'm my own worst enemy at the best of times.
But something a good friend of mine said to me last night after reading one of my blogs, has really sunk in. Coming from somebody who has suffered with Anorexia for 20 years, I really look up to her as a fighter and a wise woman. She has knowledge I'll never have, and has endured suffering I never want to put myself through again. I love her for what she has taught me with just a few words.
So, for 2014?
I am going to define my OWN healthy.
I'm going to compare myself to ME and only ME, not the old me, but the me I am now and how I can better her.
I'm going to adventure more.
I'm going to be creative with my meals more.
I'm going to compete at some stage, and handle it better.
I'm going to start my own business.
I'm going to smile everyday and appreciate the 'simple' things more.
Yes I have the generic old goals that people set like "Lose 10kg" etc... but, none of those 'generic' goals will happen if I don't keep my core values strong.
I will focus on the basics first, then the rest will fall into place with hard work and commitment.
I wish you all a fab new years, I'm going to celebrate it with my partner, some more food and no anxiety. I've deserved a treat, not a binge. There is no place for it in my life anymore.
I am stronger than I was yesterday.
X Sam.
Here are my highlights from this year;
The start of the year, was probably the biggest battle for me. The depression I had sunk myself into would suffocate every aspect of my life- behind the smiley, crazy Murphy you saw was a girl who tried to commit suicide twice and who thought there was no point being here anymore.
I'm thankful for each and everyone of my friends and family, especially Josh, who carried me on their shoulders through that period.
Anyone who has been a finger thread close to commiting suicide knows that htis feeling is impossible to describe to anyone. You literally have hit the bottom of bottoms. It's like you see nothing, but this black sheet that is dropping faster and faster to your body and soul.
It's torture. It's death itself coming after you.
I competed this year too.
Something I honestly thought I NEVER could do, and I fucking done it.
I thought food would have too much of a hold of me and I put it in the too hard basket, an anorexic and binge eater could not compete.
But, I fucking did it. I done everything I could. I fucked up, I binged on my diet, I skipped trainings, I did all that useless shit but the main thing stands is that I GOT ON STAGE AND GOT TO SMILE. That's all I ever wanted.
So, my major hurdles and lessons I've learnt this year have brought me to such a high spiritual awakening, I do feel very in 'power'. I have my moments, but I'm just learning the in's and out's of this funny thing called life. Turning 21 this year was a huge creep-out for me. 21. Jesus. Haha. I know all you that are older than me will laugh at that but seriously isin't going up in numbers such a weird concept??
Trained legs today with Josh. This was a challenge, as I always put my guard up and put things in the too hard basket. I'll 'not feel it working' and lose focus and attention. I'll get angry at myself. And I'll think I'm useless and can't do something.
All of these things I want to work on. Time to get uncomfortable and see what I"m capable of instead of 'pretending' to be shit c**t.
Didn't do a lot of cardio today, just went for a walk and a few sprints this morning... Still struggling with moving how I want to with my legs being so much bigger than they used to... I get so frustrated and think whats the point so I'll just start walking.
Today was a good day for me, I had one of those 'fat days' however.
Okay, just need to clear something up too. When I say 'omg I feel fat' I don't mean that I think I'm horribly obese but, it's a biproduct of Anorexia and Body Dismorphia. The way I view myself, is completely different to how you view me. And you'll never be able to comprehend it, unless you spend a day in my mind.
Going from 12%BF to around 24% where I am now, is actually just mind fucking. It makes you feel like you've gained around 20kg, when in reality it's only 5-6 or 8. But it seriously feels like so much more, it feels like it's stuck to your skin, you can't get it off. It's uncomfortbale, and it's not meant to be there. It's come on SO fast that you haven't had time to comprehend or adjust, you can only repulsively look at it in disgust and want to rip your skin off.
That's how I feel.
Yes, I know I should 'love' my body.. I do love my body, for all it gives me. But I STILL face these battles when I get so fixated on parts of my body. I"m a lot better than I used to be, and I'm willing to put up a fight until the day I can be FREE.
I have had some treats tonight too.
I have eaten 100% clean today until just before, when I had a few pieces of licorique and some ferrero rochers... usually I don't even stray towards this stuff but I just ate it mindlessly, and I actually enjoyed it. It was nice to not feel inclined to eat the whole lot, I still am having a wee war in my head about going and eating more and I feel a picking binge coming on, but I'm going to do my best to fight it off and maybe just make a bowl (or two) of cookie dough. It's the end of the year for gods sake lol.
Still struggling with that "I'm not competing now, so I can relax a bit" because I don't really have the most accurate gauge on relaxing... my relaxing used to include me really not giving a fuck and going on an all right binge. "Careless" probably better for it lol and then I'd be left sitting in the gutter feeling like a fat asshole.
Yeaaaah, I'm pretty horrible to myself. I'm my own worst enemy at the best of times.
But something a good friend of mine said to me last night after reading one of my blogs, has really sunk in. Coming from somebody who has suffered with Anorexia for 20 years, I really look up to her as a fighter and a wise woman. She has knowledge I'll never have, and has endured suffering I never want to put myself through again. I love her for what she has taught me with just a few words.
So, for 2014?
I am going to define my OWN healthy.
I'm going to compare myself to ME and only ME, not the old me, but the me I am now and how I can better her.
I'm going to adventure more.
I'm going to be creative with my meals more.
I'm going to compete at some stage, and handle it better.
I'm going to start my own business.
I'm going to smile everyday and appreciate the 'simple' things more.
Yes I have the generic old goals that people set like "Lose 10kg" etc... but, none of those 'generic' goals will happen if I don't keep my core values strong.
I will focus on the basics first, then the rest will fall into place with hard work and commitment.
I wish you all a fab new years, I'm going to celebrate it with my partner, some more food and no anxiety. I've deserved a treat, not a binge. There is no place for it in my life anymore.
I am stronger than I was yesterday.
Here are my highlights from this year;
Sunday, 29 December 2013
Day 15; Rack, rack, city bitch.
So, managed to hold off on anymore treats last night! *phew* and woke up this morning feeling a lil better, still prettty watery from the dreaded womanly monthly bullshiteeee but hey, the perks of being a human with boobs hey?
My alarm went of at 6:15... snooze... 6:30, Josh shoves me and said "You were meant to get up 15 mins ago!"
Hahaaa.. somebody's holding me accountable. Thanks babe. So I had a moan and slumped out of bed.
We both just went for a nice walk, its was really nice this morning. Nothing to pick up a sweat just spending some quality time together which was real nice :) Lots of laughs at real random shit too, something I value so much in our relationship!
Breakfast tiiiime at 7-30.. was so hungry! Smashed back all my vitamins and minerals and cooked up my rice cereal and mixed in my Vanilla Chai Fitmiss whey.. it tastes like HEAVEN. Seriously.
Josh didn't need to open store till 10am today so we got to just chill out and take our time this morning! Hanging out with my two twin siblings is hilarious, they are just hitting 3 and doing the funniest shit lol. Charlie always provides good amusement too! (That's my kitten btw)
So after dropping Josh off at work I felt like really breaking a sweet to get these legs jiggling a lil less.. it's really been frustrating me a lot lately. I saw a pic of myself that was taken today and nearly wanted to damn well cry at the sight of how huge my legs looked in comparison to my upper body.. I was like a fucking whale!! UGH!! I don't know why I get so caught up on it, I've always just wanted my super lean running legs back ever since I lost them :(
So, I went to the gym. Got on the tredmill and just slogged out some incline walk, got bored after 15mins and felt 'nothing burning' ... was about to get off then thought.. na, fuck it. I'll actually make some use of my time here. So I pushed through a few sets of sprints and felt very good after... maybe I should do this more often!! Still was doing my head in tho how bloated I am from period... grrrr. I spose it's a good sign tho considering the havoc my hormones have been thru lately w bub etc.
My meals today have been spot on, I made a huge focus on meal timing and cleaning them all up.
Meal 1; 1/2c rice cereal + 30g whey
Meal 2; 1/2c rice cereal + 3 egg whites + LSA
Meal 3; 150g chicken + 1/2c brown rice + capsicum + cucumber
Meal 4; Protein shake w water
Meal 5; 150g chicken + 80g roasted carrot + Salad + Pumpkin seeds w Greek Yoghurt + Sweet Chilli
Meal 6; I'll prob just have 30g Casein or 1 scoop of whey + 1 egg white for a protein mug cake... haven't decided yet xP Or maybe some protein icecream hmmm decisions lol.
I'm still trying to get myself back into the swing of weight training, so I jumped in with Josh to train back tonight, he's really clever and I'm learning lots off him.. as much as my ego hates it and likes to think I know everything! I need to get over myself and just LISTEN and LEARN if I want to get better.
I'm going through a lot spiritually and emotionally with regards to my relationship with food.
I was asked a very touching question last night,
"Will you ever get over your problem with food and your weight"
I didn't have an answer. I asked, why?
"Because It consumes your life"
Well.. yeah, It does. Honestly does. If I don't pay attention to it; I just go off the rails.. I eat mindlessly, gain weight and then am in an even worse place when I started.. I've done the "I can't be fucked caring" part before because I got so exhausted constantly restricting myself.
Whereas now, I don't feel 'restricted'... I still think about FOOD and my WEIGHT alot because 1. I want to make better food choices, and form a healthy relationship with food that doesn't control me in social situations etc. And 2. I'm not happy with my weight, I'll be point blank. It's partially due to the anorexia, but really, who the fuck is happy with there weight? Yes, I have this vision of 'perfection' in my mind... but I know I'm SO close to getting confident in wearing shorts and a bikini at the beach, I'm not quite there yet but I know if I really stick to it and form better habits I'll be on the right track.
I don't expect it to happen overnight.
It does get exhausting, thinking about food 24/7 and thinking about how much I despise how fat my legs and tummy have gotten... but it comes and goes in waves. I'm growing as a person, and I'm learning to deal with these things in a more 'mature' sense... It's not bugging me like it used to, I have always stressed about these things; except I would jump to the extreme end of the scale and just stop eating for weeks on end. Whereas now, I have more knowledge and know what I need to do.. I just need to stop being a lazy c**t and do the work!
Anyways. That's me out.
I'm going to try really hard this week and push myself that little bit further, both mentally and physically.
Time waits for nobody :)
X Sam. 
My alarm went of at 6:15... snooze... 6:30, Josh shoves me and said "You were meant to get up 15 mins ago!"
Hahaaa.. somebody's holding me accountable. Thanks babe. So I had a moan and slumped out of bed.
We both just went for a nice walk, its was really nice this morning. Nothing to pick up a sweat just spending some quality time together which was real nice :) Lots of laughs at real random shit too, something I value so much in our relationship!
Breakfast tiiiime at 7-30.. was so hungry! Smashed back all my vitamins and minerals and cooked up my rice cereal and mixed in my Vanilla Chai Fitmiss whey.. it tastes like HEAVEN. Seriously.
Josh didn't need to open store till 10am today so we got to just chill out and take our time this morning! Hanging out with my two twin siblings is hilarious, they are just hitting 3 and doing the funniest shit lol. Charlie always provides good amusement too! (That's my kitten btw)
So after dropping Josh off at work I felt like really breaking a sweet to get these legs jiggling a lil less.. it's really been frustrating me a lot lately. I saw a pic of myself that was taken today and nearly wanted to damn well cry at the sight of how huge my legs looked in comparison to my upper body.. I was like a fucking whale!! UGH!! I don't know why I get so caught up on it, I've always just wanted my super lean running legs back ever since I lost them :(
So, I went to the gym. Got on the tredmill and just slogged out some incline walk, got bored after 15mins and felt 'nothing burning' ... was about to get off then thought.. na, fuck it. I'll actually make some use of my time here. So I pushed through a few sets of sprints and felt very good after... maybe I should do this more often!! Still was doing my head in tho how bloated I am from period... grrrr. I spose it's a good sign tho considering the havoc my hormones have been thru lately w bub etc.
My meals today have been spot on, I made a huge focus on meal timing and cleaning them all up.
Meal 1; 1/2c rice cereal + 30g whey
Meal 2; 1/2c rice cereal + 3 egg whites + LSA
Meal 3; 150g chicken + 1/2c brown rice + capsicum + cucumber
Meal 4; Protein shake w water
Meal 5; 150g chicken + 80g roasted carrot + Salad + Pumpkin seeds w Greek Yoghurt + Sweet Chilli
Meal 6; I'll prob just have 30g Casein or 1 scoop of whey + 1 egg white for a protein mug cake... haven't decided yet xP Or maybe some protein icecream hmmm decisions lol.
I'm still trying to get myself back into the swing of weight training, so I jumped in with Josh to train back tonight, he's really clever and I'm learning lots off him.. as much as my ego hates it and likes to think I know everything! I need to get over myself and just LISTEN and LEARN if I want to get better.
I'm going through a lot spiritually and emotionally with regards to my relationship with food.
I was asked a very touching question last night,
"Will you ever get over your problem with food and your weight"
I didn't have an answer. I asked, why?
"Because It consumes your life"
Well.. yeah, It does. Honestly does. If I don't pay attention to it; I just go off the rails.. I eat mindlessly, gain weight and then am in an even worse place when I started.. I've done the "I can't be fucked caring" part before because I got so exhausted constantly restricting myself.
Whereas now, I don't feel 'restricted'... I still think about FOOD and my WEIGHT alot because 1. I want to make better food choices, and form a healthy relationship with food that doesn't control me in social situations etc. And 2. I'm not happy with my weight, I'll be point blank. It's partially due to the anorexia, but really, who the fuck is happy with there weight? Yes, I have this vision of 'perfection' in my mind... but I know I'm SO close to getting confident in wearing shorts and a bikini at the beach, I'm not quite there yet but I know if I really stick to it and form better habits I'll be on the right track.
I don't expect it to happen overnight.
It does get exhausting, thinking about food 24/7 and thinking about how much I despise how fat my legs and tummy have gotten... but it comes and goes in waves. I'm growing as a person, and I'm learning to deal with these things in a more 'mature' sense... It's not bugging me like it used to, I have always stressed about these things; except I would jump to the extreme end of the scale and just stop eating for weeks on end. Whereas now, I have more knowledge and know what I need to do.. I just need to stop being a lazy c**t and do the work!
Anyways. That's me out.
I'm going to try really hard this week and push myself that little bit further, both mentally and physically.
Time waits for nobody :)
X Sam.
Saturday, 28 December 2013
Day 14; Sunday naps and mindless munching
Ok so I've just woken up from a nap. I've struggled with food this afternoon.. I didn't eat anything shit, but once again it was my portion control that got out of hand and the fact I nearly started a binge again... I felt that "wave of no power" coming along and the part where you brain ticks over into the 'eat eat eat' mode.. It started with my blooooddyyy protein cookie dough w cacao nibs again, I had one serving and was like "meeeh, It's sunday and I'm going to try really hard this week so I'll have some extra.. ya know, this is the last time I'll have it till next weekend"
So thheeeere, the all or nothing mentallity crept in. I made a second serving... even bigger tablespoon of honey and even bigger tablespoon of peanut butter. Then I went onto my organic crackers.. 1 with big hunk of honey and almond butter, theeen.. another with another big hunk of everything.
Okay. Stop.
I had to forcefully say out loud.
STOP. Before this gets too bad. I could tell it was going to.
So I went to lay down and had a sleep.
I have woken up, feeling pretty bloated. Not sure if it's in my head, but then again I do think it's from my 'monthly' which I think I have gotten today, does anybody who's had a miscarriage know if you get irregular bleeding for a while after? I'm a bit puzzled because this is defo not my normal cycle.
Any advice would be nice thanks :)
Last night for my treat after my anxiety wore off I had some precooked chicken w teriyaki sauce and mayo and avocado. For sweet treat I went a Lil over board.. I kept going back to make 3 helpings of my FitMiss whey cookie dough. There could b worse things i ate but i still got mad at myself that i couldn't just enjoy one bowl. I'm not even on comp prep god i have no idea why i sabotage myself like this. Blergh. Ya know that fat puffy feeling you get after your mind says "too much" .. Yes i had that.
I went for a wee run/walk this morning after my sleep in.. I fought with my mind a bit to do it, but I thought fuck I don't need to try run a marathon. Just go bound around the streets and go for a walk and get OUTSIDE. So I did that. Didn't push myself. just took my time. I knew if I tried pushing myself I would have gotten frustrated because I had set this standard up sooo high that I should be able to run 5km in under 20 min real fast like I used to.
Errrrm, no. Good luck w that murphy you are 20kg heavier than that old running runt you used to be.
I miss being that fit.. so I'm going to try get back there the 'healthy' way and fuel my body accordingly, and aim for 'fitness' not aesthetics. Aesthetics just fucks my head up and I always stress about how I'm looking..
Been angry at my legs after my run... they are so huge compared to what they were.. it's my one body part I actually just despise so much :( It sucks, I know some people would kill for bigger legs like mine but If I'm going to be honest it really sucks not being able to fit jeans or your old summer shorts and having to wear tights to hide the cellulite you've gained.
I don't know why I care so much but I just do.
My first two meals were real good. oats and protein for breakky and then chicken salad and rice for lunch about 3pm after we did the groceries.
I hate Sundays for some reason.
I seem to get swamped full of anxiety for no particular reason; I have this feeling I should be 'doing something' and I can't find out what it is, so I'm constantly on edge and just cant relax for 10 mins. I'll get in a mad grump and find everything and anything about myself to sabotage.
My partner is amazing, in making me come to grips with myself and recognize the signs and what I need to work on. So I'm thankful for his support and understanding with my fucking crazy brain.
ANYWAY.
I've actually set some goals for myself this week.
1. Bring a bit more structure into my week.
2. Train everyday no matter how little.
3. Set my alarm at 6-15 and GET UP no matter how tired I am, once I get going I'm fine.
4. Enjoy the wedding on the 2nd and have no anxiety around food etc.
I've written myself out a meal plan to follow, so I'm going to go back to prepping my meals again the night before to avoid me over thinking too much.
Fasted cardio walk/sprints; (I'm going to start sprinting, I get bored of running way too fast)
Meal 1 @ 7-30am - 1/2c rice flakes w 30g whey or 3x egg whites
Meal 2 @ 10-30am - 1/2c rice flakes w 3x egg whites + tsp LSA
Meal 3 @ 1-30pm - 150gms chicken, 1/2c rice, veges or salad
Meal 4 @ 4-30pm - 150gms beef schnitzel, tomatoes, cucumber & 10 almonds or seed mix.
Meal 5 POST W/O - 30g Whey Isolate w water
Meal 6 @ 8-30pm - 150gms white fish + salad OR 150g chicken + salad OR 6x egg white omelette (depends what I can be assed cooking when home?)
I'm going to ease myself back into what I was eating before I got pregnant, and just slowly change things round. For now this is what I'm eating and I just need to work on the TIMING and being more proactive with timing of my meals instead of being unprepared.
Lets see how I go with this :) I season all my meals really nicely w garlic, organic herb seasoning, himylayan salt, curry powder, rosemary, oregano etc etc and cook w coconut oil. Try to stay organic where possible, my body feels a lot better for it!
Wish me luck :-)
XO
Sam
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