Todays going pretty well! I've had a few wee projects on the go, heaps of emails to reply to and just lil things that have keep me ticking over.
Last night was all a bit messy at home.. I don't really know if I should share my whole home life here, but my step dad and mum have split and mums left with the kids up to picton, so it's kinda messed my head a lil but I'm staying strong. Luckily I have Josh and some really cool close friends. I was just pretty sad last night because I'm sick of all the bullshit that cmes along with split parents, I serisouly vow to be the best mother to my children and not let this bullshit get in the way!
I've made a doc appointment for friday, to try sus a new form of contraception and to get some more anxiety meds. I'm struggling w the thought of going on contraception because I know I gain weight chronically for it.. The IUS isin't really an option because it's too expensive :/ So I'm a lil stuck.. I spose I'll just have to get over it! It really messes w my head I have been busting my ass lately and the last thing I wanna do is put on weight again :( I can't handle it!
I'm really proud of myself tho - It's been a month without any binges. It hasnt been all rosy, I've had a few slip ups but the moral is I've been focsing real hard on getting to the bottom of it all.
I told myself no peanut butter this week. But good old me went and jusitifed almond butter to myself and I put it on my egg whites today and then went back ad got the spoon in it. Luckily I only had one spoon of it but I could have gone and finished the whole tub if I really wanted to lol.
Trying to be a little kinder to myself and I'm trying real hard today to not look at my reflection in the mirror or in windows and dwell too much on it, because I just get really upset when I look at myself!
I did some cardio this morn and then some abs, and also a few squats and I felt good! Then I've been hanging at work with Josh today just doing my own work. Going back to the gym tonight with Josh I'm not to sure what to train?? I think I'll just do a bit of a circuit as I like them, I feel a bit useless doing 'back' etc by myself atm because I keep worrying what people think of me. I can't wait to fucking get past this stupid barrier, I KNOW I'm so stupid I just cant seem to help but stress out about how 'non comp lean' I look atm :/
Eggggrrrggghhh haha.
I'm trying hard tho and thats all that matters!
Here's to a good day,
Sam xxx
Tuesday, 14 January 2014
Monday, 13 January 2014
Day 30; A whole month of no binges. Wholey moley.
I woke up feeling much better today... A mix of me forgetting my fluoxtine and me having my period really put me in such a shit head space. I feel more balanced, and ready to tackle these challanges. It gets really tiring being so up and down, I'm so so lucky that I have such an amazing partner, Josh, who I can talk to openly with these kind of issues and he listens unconditionally and gives me his honest opinion and advice. I respect that like nothing else, seriously.
With all the bullshit that is going down at home, it's so nice having my man by my side holding the fort together.
I've been pretty up and down lately, I think it's cos I'm coming to grips with a whole lot of crap that I've been doing for YEARS.. and It's time to change.
I get so caught up on my image some days, then other days I couldn't give two tosses!! I think it's just a product of me being bored, when I'm bored, I think way way way too much, and will overthink myself into a shit storm! I need to be more proactive and find things to focus on that make me feel good.
Once again, I know all the asnwers I just need to stop pussy footing around and just DO THEM!!!!!
The support and messages I've been getting from everyone is hoenstly just mind blowing.. I can't believe it. Thankyou all so much for being here!
Todays been good! I am feeling a little leaner, so I'm holding onto that POSITIVE instead of thinking about how far I have to go.
I don't know if I should compete... I'm hungry for the stage again man, real hungry to just make bums fall of seats and blow shit outta the water!! I want to challenge myself again and grow more as a person.. But I dont know if I'm thinking about this too soon and should just give it time? Hrrmmm I'm so bad at making decisions sometime!
One thing I'm really greatful of atm is the knowledge I have with my body. I'm finding what works - finally! I've got my diet in check.. after all these years!! I feel like I actually KNOW instead of just lying to myself or trying to convince myself that I need to starve myself!! FUCK that's taken ages... It feels so good knowing that I need all this food to nourish me and it's not going to make me HUGE! BINGEING all the time will make me huge, but moderation, balance and being happy about your food is where its at. So I'm going with it, hopefully it will rub off onto my body!!
My legs a bit sore still... I am finding it hard not to run :/ I really enjoy running nd it is the only cardio that I dont get bored doing... and yeah, I just cant stop for a few days. I've always been like this.. maybe I should actually take my own advice and stay off it but I freak out thinking I'll get lazy if I don't run! Blergh lol I hated running 3 weeks ago now I love it :/ Can't win can I hahahaha.
Been at work today w my boy, it's fun hanging out with him and helping the girls that come into store with their supps and training advice etc :) So if you're ever in CHCH come into the iSUPPS store at 47 ric road!!
This morn I trained for about 40mins, 20mins cardio and then mucked around with some glutes and abs. I have quite bad period bloating, so I'm just wearing a hoodie today so I don't focus on it too much! It will be gone in a few days!!
I'm hungry all day man! not like starving or deprived, it hink its just cos im thinking about food and im bored so I want to eat.. all about breaking habits tho right? I've eaten all my meals spot on time today so that's good! Feel hungry still, but I know that means my metabolism is working! Slow n steady!
The more I drop a bit of weight the less frustrated I get at the gym about myself... weird how that works. But hey, slow progress IS progress.
One thing I find hard is trying to not rely on pre-workouts and fat burners. From my year of hard drugs and relying on Ecstacy etc to do my training and everyday things, it's really fucked me up still trying to train without a 'high'... I'm getting there tho! Slowly It's hard, hence I'm so up and down and on my fluoxotine.
Anyways!
That's today :)
Goodbyeeee
X sam
With all the bullshit that is going down at home, it's so nice having my man by my side holding the fort together.
I've been pretty up and down lately, I think it's cos I'm coming to grips with a whole lot of crap that I've been doing for YEARS.. and It's time to change.
I get so caught up on my image some days, then other days I couldn't give two tosses!! I think it's just a product of me being bored, when I'm bored, I think way way way too much, and will overthink myself into a shit storm! I need to be more proactive and find things to focus on that make me feel good.
Once again, I know all the asnwers I just need to stop pussy footing around and just DO THEM!!!!!
The support and messages I've been getting from everyone is hoenstly just mind blowing.. I can't believe it. Thankyou all so much for being here!
Todays been good! I am feeling a little leaner, so I'm holding onto that POSITIVE instead of thinking about how far I have to go.
I don't know if I should compete... I'm hungry for the stage again man, real hungry to just make bums fall of seats and blow shit outta the water!! I want to challenge myself again and grow more as a person.. But I dont know if I'm thinking about this too soon and should just give it time? Hrrmmm I'm so bad at making decisions sometime!
One thing I'm really greatful of atm is the knowledge I have with my body. I'm finding what works - finally! I've got my diet in check.. after all these years!! I feel like I actually KNOW instead of just lying to myself or trying to convince myself that I need to starve myself!! FUCK that's taken ages... It feels so good knowing that I need all this food to nourish me and it's not going to make me HUGE! BINGEING all the time will make me huge, but moderation, balance and being happy about your food is where its at. So I'm going with it, hopefully it will rub off onto my body!!
My legs a bit sore still... I am finding it hard not to run :/ I really enjoy running nd it is the only cardio that I dont get bored doing... and yeah, I just cant stop for a few days. I've always been like this.. maybe I should actually take my own advice and stay off it but I freak out thinking I'll get lazy if I don't run! Blergh lol I hated running 3 weeks ago now I love it :/ Can't win can I hahahaha.
Been at work today w my boy, it's fun hanging out with him and helping the girls that come into store with their supps and training advice etc :) So if you're ever in CHCH come into the iSUPPS store at 47 ric road!!
This morn I trained for about 40mins, 20mins cardio and then mucked around with some glutes and abs. I have quite bad period bloating, so I'm just wearing a hoodie today so I don't focus on it too much! It will be gone in a few days!!
I'm hungry all day man! not like starving or deprived, it hink its just cos im thinking about food and im bored so I want to eat.. all about breaking habits tho right? I've eaten all my meals spot on time today so that's good! Feel hungry still, but I know that means my metabolism is working! Slow n steady!
The more I drop a bit of weight the less frustrated I get at the gym about myself... weird how that works. But hey, slow progress IS progress.
One thing I find hard is trying to not rely on pre-workouts and fat burners. From my year of hard drugs and relying on Ecstacy etc to do my training and everyday things, it's really fucked me up still trying to train without a 'high'... I'm getting there tho! Slowly It's hard, hence I'm so up and down and on my fluoxotine.
Anyways!
That's today :)
Goodbyeeee
X sam
Day 29; Ciao Peanut Butter
Im lying here in bed and cant switch my brain off
For some reason i make my life hell. I've felt so high strung lately and i feel like i have a billion things to do so ill cancel on ppl cos of my anxiety... Its so fucked up. I don't even know how to explain the shit that's being going through my head today. Its as simple as this, i want to b lean. I want to basically drive myself into the ground to get lean. Its my all or nothing mentality because its driving me crazy... I want it so bad its just food that's in the way. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
Should i compete again? I feel like i have no purpose to my training or dieting ATM except to get lean... Wtf why does this shit control my life!!!! I just want to b free ... Free AND lean. Everyone keeps saying just to b happy and being lean isint everything... But to me, a 'recovered' anorexic... It is everything. It sucks... But i want it so bad..i just keep shooting myself in the foot!!!
Arg. I feel so lost... I feel like I'm so up and down.. I'm not sure if its the meds I'm on.. But i feel like in numb to shit or as if there IS ALWAYS a problem... Poor josh i hate holding negative energy.. I just get in this shit habit of making my life a living hell.
Homes real negative ATM... Both my mum n step dad are acting like children through a breakup... I wish they would both stop fucking lying to each other n then bitching to me about it.
On a positive note... I ate well today. Ive cut PB out of my food plan cos i cant control myself lol .
Arg i dunno.. It feels good to write. I know in stressing and getting anxiety over nothin... But it feels like this is all my life involves.
Worrying about how I look.
I know that my friends etc always call me beautiful and my FAM... But sometimes.. Its really really hard to see it yourself. I know there's 'more to life' than this... But i hold onto being THIN so dearly like its my best friend. Like the monkey.
Anyways i am a warrior. In determined as shit to fight for my freedom n break myself free of these chains.
Namaste.
Sam.
Saturday, 11 January 2014
Day 28; Tree trunk epidemic.
Having a real hard day today w my legs.
Everyone's asleep at home and I started picking the choc out of the scroggin. I quickly stopped myself n now in writing this.
I'm struggling to accept where my legs are ATM... I hate being bottom heavy. That solid few weeks of binging basically put me back to sq one. Every time i look down at them or c them in the mirror i want to cry or spew.. Anybody else know this feeling???
Positive side .. I swear I saw an ab this morning lol . ill take it.
Haven't really been hungry today.. From treat meal last night I think.
Just been for a run, I was going to take a nap but i thought I'd give myself a wee challenge to run.. I did OK! Is it weird that i prefer the treadmill than outside?
Anyways.. Being about accountability n all I'm going to just track my leg progress.
Seriously all i wanna do is go to the beach, run in shorts, wear a short dress and not feel like a self conscious short whale.
Patience murphy.
X sam
Friday, 10 January 2014
Day 27; Willpower where art thou?
Ok I thought I'd do a quick write up... I just need to vent some thoughts I'm having a real bad time atm!!!
I'm at work alone, and I have made the silly mistake of leaving my organic rice cakes out the back with a tub of peanut butter and a tub of almond butter... and I had 2 instead of having my meal I had prepped (rookie mistake, I know) ... Then I had some more, and told myself okay, "just one more" .... Then it's been 3 more, then I had a Oh Yeah bar. I can feel a binge coming on.
NO
NONONONONONO
I need to write this out now just to get it off my mind.
I AM STRONGER THAN THIS.
I feel so let down of myself because I've nearly finished a whole tub of almond butter in 2 days... Fuck :(
Maybe I need to just go cold turkey for a bit? I dunno I serisouly have no control around it!!!!
I was feeling really motivated this morning and then I got to work and my mind just wandered and I thought it would be fun to have a bit of food!! Arg fuck this emotional eating shit I'm so sick of it!! I WISH just for one day I could be that person who just forgets to eat a meal or just eats when they are hungry instead of thikning about food every second of every day! It's driving me crazy!!!!!
It feels like it's my best friend sometimes :(
I'm going out for tea tonight and going to the movies with Josh so that will be nice, I'll try my best to eat normally and not feel deprived. Ugh.
Today just feels like a flop.
#Justgottakeepchuggin
Josh just came in and I told him what I'd done, and he made me feel so much better.
I felt because I was alone at work I could get away with this, it'd be my dirty little secret. It's like the food was talking to me. I then went and pulled out my meal and just ate the rice out of it because I just wanted a huge carb fix. AAAAAAAAARGGG I started this cycle and felt myself getting pulled under, so hence I'm here fucking babbling on to get it out of my system!!!
Josh said not to beat myself up so much - yes I falied, but I've been working SO hard for 27 days already and I've started losing weight already and I've become a stronger person, and not to let this one set back be a set back, only a come back. So I'm going to relax. Let today unfold, I deserve to feel good and enjoy good food and company today. I am not competing .I'm doing this for me, my mind and my soul. Not an image, not a look, not to 'be skinny' He said he was really proud of me, and I trust his opinion whole heartedly as he's the one person I look up to.
So here's what I've eaten today:
Breakfast was: 1/2c rice cereal w scoop of FitMiss whey
Meal 2: 1/2c brown rice w chicken and salad
Meal 3.... was 2x Wholegrain Rice Rye cakes w Almond butter and honey.. which resulted in me having 4-5 with about 3 tbs of Almond Butter
And then an Oh Yeah! bar
And then a quest bar
:/
and then I started to nibble on my brown rice in my next meal :/
then I got my spoon in the Almond butter
THEN I stopped myself.
Okay. No. NONONO. Don't do this to youreslf.
So yeah, that's where I am now.
The protein bars and the rice cakes are lookin at me but I'm staying as strong as poss.
I've had the most amazing feedback from ladies who have been reaching out to me, just in regards to my sheer honesty... I still can't believe it, I'm so humbled. Thankyou all so much for all your support, and your strength. We are all fighters :)
Much love & Keep fighting x
Sam 
I'm at work alone, and I have made the silly mistake of leaving my organic rice cakes out the back with a tub of peanut butter and a tub of almond butter... and I had 2 instead of having my meal I had prepped (rookie mistake, I know) ... Then I had some more, and told myself okay, "just one more" .... Then it's been 3 more, then I had a Oh Yeah bar. I can feel a binge coming on.
NO
NONONONONONO
I need to write this out now just to get it off my mind.
I AM STRONGER THAN THIS.
I feel so let down of myself because I've nearly finished a whole tub of almond butter in 2 days... Fuck :(
Maybe I need to just go cold turkey for a bit? I dunno I serisouly have no control around it!!!!
I was feeling really motivated this morning and then I got to work and my mind just wandered and I thought it would be fun to have a bit of food!! Arg fuck this emotional eating shit I'm so sick of it!! I WISH just for one day I could be that person who just forgets to eat a meal or just eats when they are hungry instead of thikning about food every second of every day! It's driving me crazy!!!!!
It feels like it's my best friend sometimes :(
I'm going out for tea tonight and going to the movies with Josh so that will be nice, I'll try my best to eat normally and not feel deprived. Ugh.
Today just feels like a flop.
#Justgottakeepchuggin
Josh just came in and I told him what I'd done, and he made me feel so much better.
I felt because I was alone at work I could get away with this, it'd be my dirty little secret. It's like the food was talking to me. I then went and pulled out my meal and just ate the rice out of it because I just wanted a huge carb fix. AAAAAAAAARGGG I started this cycle and felt myself getting pulled under, so hence I'm here fucking babbling on to get it out of my system!!!
Josh said not to beat myself up so much - yes I falied, but I've been working SO hard for 27 days already and I've started losing weight already and I've become a stronger person, and not to let this one set back be a set back, only a come back. So I'm going to relax. Let today unfold, I deserve to feel good and enjoy good food and company today. I am not competing .I'm doing this for me, my mind and my soul. Not an image, not a look, not to 'be skinny' He said he was really proud of me, and I trust his opinion whole heartedly as he's the one person I look up to.
So here's what I've eaten today:
Breakfast was: 1/2c rice cereal w scoop of FitMiss whey
Meal 2: 1/2c brown rice w chicken and salad
Meal 3.... was 2x Wholegrain Rice Rye cakes w Almond butter and honey.. which resulted in me having 4-5 with about 3 tbs of Almond Butter
And then an Oh Yeah! bar
And then a quest bar
:/
and then I started to nibble on my brown rice in my next meal :/
then I got my spoon in the Almond butter
THEN I stopped myself.
Okay. No. NONONO. Don't do this to youreslf.
So yeah, that's where I am now.
The protein bars and the rice cakes are lookin at me but I'm staying as strong as poss.
I've had the most amazing feedback from ladies who have been reaching out to me, just in regards to my sheer honesty... I still can't believe it, I'm so humbled. Thankyou all so much for all your support, and your strength. We are all fighters :)
Much love & Keep fighting x
Sam
Thursday, 9 January 2014
Days 25 & 26; Being true to myself and being patient.. harder than it seemed.
Alllrighty, blog time! I got busy last night and couldn't really be assed writing, but none the less I had a good day :) I've been going really well with my food atm - not feeling deprived, and just being patient. The one thing I forget is this process takes TIME.. and gosh darn, you defs learn to be patient through here hahah!!
I put on my fave bright pink tights yesterday afternoon and came into the store to see Josh, we were going to train, he was tired so we didn't end up going.. I was kinda thankful. Secretly in my head I was freaking out because I kept catching a glance in a few mirrors and work and outside at my relfection and it just about made me want to vomit. What the fuck did I wear these out for? My legs looked HUGE and it made me get such bad anxiety! I covered it up and just wanted to go home!!! I posted a pic of me in them on insta and on the FB page and they looked god there (all about angles lol) but as soon as I saw them unconciously I just flipped the lid and wanted to get changed! I felt like a WHALE!!! Arg is anything I'm doing working?!?!? Maybe I need to be even MORE patient, it's only been 25 days. Josh's last meal was this weird oat thing I made him with PB and banana and some white choc chips (He's bulking the lucky shit) .. I had a wee taste... OMG, I wanted to seriously eat the whole damn thing!!!) It was too sweet for him... so part of me wanted to smash back all of it, but I resisted and left it at the few bites I had. I knew having more would make me feel even worse than I already did!!!
This morn I did 5k on the tredmill! It was my goal yesterday but I didn't get to it because I got bored and my leg hurt, once again, excuses, I could have done something like a 5k bike but I just didn't... wasn't really my day lol. So I made up for it this morn by doing a 5k run, the first one I've done in 4 years!! Its so frustrating from going from running 21k with 3m k's to struggling to get through 5, but hey, I did it :) And I felt awesome! Kaboom!
Meals have been spot on today again, I have figured a way to curb my sushi cravings! I made clean sushi rice by adding apple cider vinegar, stevia and salt to my rice and hooollly shit it legit tastes like sushi rice! Winning lol!
It's... ten past 3 atm, this is the hardest day for me with food. I find I get bored so would have pushed meal 4 forward and eaten it already, but I am looking forward to ENJOYING my meal 4, 2 organic seed pumpkin cakes w almond butter and stevia and we will leave it at 2 not TEN!!!! :) I've been good lately w portion control too, I get hungry but I know its just cos I'm bored!!
I've also had a lot of girls reaching out lately, it's so humbling and amazing to know that I'm not alone and that I can and am helping these beautiful women, remember, please please please dont be afraid to talk to me or ask questions! I love helping ya'll :)
So tonight the plan is to gym, I might train shoulders? And some more cardio because its making me feel good, a good stress release just pounding my legs somewhere if that makes sense lol!!
I haven't had any maaaajooorrr cravings as of late, I can feel myself getting stronger and stronger which is cool, just a time thing and learning how to strengthen myself mentally! I know when and if It comes to competiton time again I will be a much stronger person than last prep and will manage it a lot better!
Just thought I'd touch on a topic; the fitness industry in NZ frustrates the shit out of me. It's the tall poppy syndrome.. everywhere, I mean I dont want to discredit everyone but everyone needs to get the flying fuck off their high horses and actually just be honest. The virtual world of facebook has a lot to say about it. Josh made me go a whole day without facebook, fuck it was hard. I challange you all to try it!!!
We are all 'pretending' or 'creating' this life we wish or aspire to live up to, and then when we reflect back on our personal lives its nothing like that, we feel empty and meaningless and a bit pathetic. Well, that used to be me anyways!! It's all about perspective too, and the amount of knowledge we have.
Us girls are all such diff shapes and sizes and make ups. I like to kinda put everyone into 'catergories' .. as in, there's the girls who are tiny and petite and struggle to put on muscle, they are generally the ones that find it easier to compete in Bikini comps hence they have a fast metabolism and a tiny frame.
Then there's ones like me, who are naturally a bit more built. I need to lose muscle to do that, and I hardly even push heavy weights! I pick up a 5kg dumbell and just boommmbbb I'll eat and booommbb muscle and fat just goes everywhere lol! Genetics blergh. Like, It's possible for me to do well in bikini, but as with anything, I'd be pushing shit up hill because my physique is not MADE to do this, it's made to be curvy, I'm made to have a huge ass and big thighs and a smaller waist. I'm just learning to embrace that... sometimes I still find myself holding onto that skinny girl I used to be.
YES, I can be that skinny petite girl, but the extent I had to go to get there is so not worth it.
My message to you all is just be careful who you source your inspiration from. I find the best way to source inspiration, is be drawn to someone who is a reflection of yourself. Someone in your 'catergory' who is successful and motivates you to be the best you, instead of looking at the bikini olympia and just short cutting yourself and shooting yourself in the foot because you'll never look like that, why not look at the likes of DLB who's an absolute fucking machine and the most humble women ever?
I dunno, dude, this is just my opinion. I just get fucked off with all these generic posts on facebook that I see, but hey, if it works for you it works for you - I'm a bit more complicated than the 'just get it done' attitude... and hey, I take my hat off to those who can just 'get it done'.
I face different challanges, and that's just me. And if you do to, then cool, that's you and me together on the same ship lol!
ANYWAY.
Rant over :) My bum hurts I'm sitting on the ground lol.
Love ya'll xoxo Sam
I put on my fave bright pink tights yesterday afternoon and came into the store to see Josh, we were going to train, he was tired so we didn't end up going.. I was kinda thankful. Secretly in my head I was freaking out because I kept catching a glance in a few mirrors and work and outside at my relfection and it just about made me want to vomit. What the fuck did I wear these out for? My legs looked HUGE and it made me get such bad anxiety! I covered it up and just wanted to go home!!! I posted a pic of me in them on insta and on the FB page and they looked god there (all about angles lol) but as soon as I saw them unconciously I just flipped the lid and wanted to get changed! I felt like a WHALE!!! Arg is anything I'm doing working?!?!? Maybe I need to be even MORE patient, it's only been 25 days. Josh's last meal was this weird oat thing I made him with PB and banana and some white choc chips (He's bulking the lucky shit) .. I had a wee taste... OMG, I wanted to seriously eat the whole damn thing!!!) It was too sweet for him... so part of me wanted to smash back all of it, but I resisted and left it at the few bites I had. I knew having more would make me feel even worse than I already did!!!
This morn I did 5k on the tredmill! It was my goal yesterday but I didn't get to it because I got bored and my leg hurt, once again, excuses, I could have done something like a 5k bike but I just didn't... wasn't really my day lol. So I made up for it this morn by doing a 5k run, the first one I've done in 4 years!! Its so frustrating from going from running 21k with 3m k's to struggling to get through 5, but hey, I did it :) And I felt awesome! Kaboom!
Meals have been spot on today again, I have figured a way to curb my sushi cravings! I made clean sushi rice by adding apple cider vinegar, stevia and salt to my rice and hooollly shit it legit tastes like sushi rice! Winning lol!
It's... ten past 3 atm, this is the hardest day for me with food. I find I get bored so would have pushed meal 4 forward and eaten it already, but I am looking forward to ENJOYING my meal 4, 2 organic seed pumpkin cakes w almond butter and stevia and we will leave it at 2 not TEN!!!! :) I've been good lately w portion control too, I get hungry but I know its just cos I'm bored!!
I've also had a lot of girls reaching out lately, it's so humbling and amazing to know that I'm not alone and that I can and am helping these beautiful women, remember, please please please dont be afraid to talk to me or ask questions! I love helping ya'll :)
So tonight the plan is to gym, I might train shoulders? And some more cardio because its making me feel good, a good stress release just pounding my legs somewhere if that makes sense lol!!
I haven't had any maaaajooorrr cravings as of late, I can feel myself getting stronger and stronger which is cool, just a time thing and learning how to strengthen myself mentally! I know when and if It comes to competiton time again I will be a much stronger person than last prep and will manage it a lot better!
Just thought I'd touch on a topic; the fitness industry in NZ frustrates the shit out of me. It's the tall poppy syndrome.. everywhere, I mean I dont want to discredit everyone but everyone needs to get the flying fuck off their high horses and actually just be honest. The virtual world of facebook has a lot to say about it. Josh made me go a whole day without facebook, fuck it was hard. I challange you all to try it!!!
We are all 'pretending' or 'creating' this life we wish or aspire to live up to, and then when we reflect back on our personal lives its nothing like that, we feel empty and meaningless and a bit pathetic. Well, that used to be me anyways!! It's all about perspective too, and the amount of knowledge we have.
Us girls are all such diff shapes and sizes and make ups. I like to kinda put everyone into 'catergories' .. as in, there's the girls who are tiny and petite and struggle to put on muscle, they are generally the ones that find it easier to compete in Bikini comps hence they have a fast metabolism and a tiny frame.
Then there's ones like me, who are naturally a bit more built. I need to lose muscle to do that, and I hardly even push heavy weights! I pick up a 5kg dumbell and just boommmbbb I'll eat and booommbb muscle and fat just goes everywhere lol! Genetics blergh. Like, It's possible for me to do well in bikini, but as with anything, I'd be pushing shit up hill because my physique is not MADE to do this, it's made to be curvy, I'm made to have a huge ass and big thighs and a smaller waist. I'm just learning to embrace that... sometimes I still find myself holding onto that skinny girl I used to be.
YES, I can be that skinny petite girl, but the extent I had to go to get there is so not worth it.
My message to you all is just be careful who you source your inspiration from. I find the best way to source inspiration, is be drawn to someone who is a reflection of yourself. Someone in your 'catergory' who is successful and motivates you to be the best you, instead of looking at the bikini olympia and just short cutting yourself and shooting yourself in the foot because you'll never look like that, why not look at the likes of DLB who's an absolute fucking machine and the most humble women ever?
I dunno, dude, this is just my opinion. I just get fucked off with all these generic posts on facebook that I see, but hey, if it works for you it works for you - I'm a bit more complicated than the 'just get it done' attitude... and hey, I take my hat off to those who can just 'get it done'.
I face different challanges, and that's just me. And if you do to, then cool, that's you and me together on the same ship lol!
ANYWAY.
Rant over :) My bum hurts I'm sitting on the ground lol.
Love ya'll xoxo Sam
Tuesday, 7 January 2014
Day 24; Gaining strength.
Well, today I made a few small triumphs I'm pretty proud of.
1. I felt positive about my body more than usual today.
2. I rang and sorted out my phone, got lots of jobs done without anxiety.
3. I laughed lots.
4. I managed to stop myself at 2 of my PB snacks :)
5. I trained all by myself tonight and did more cardio.
It was hard man.
My meals were all spot on! I went to go and eat another PB cracker because I was feeling down about how I was feeling and looking this avo, luckily Josh stopped me and just said NO. I went off for a walk, and the craving passed.
I just trained my booty tonight and felt good. I'm starting to realise I just need to get shit done and stop being a fucking pussy its as simple as that.
As females we seem to make everything so hard on ourselves and I come up w every excuse in the book as to why I'm not good enough or why I cant do it.
Thanks to both Josh and Claire I'm finding inspiration in hard work instead of pussy footing around life.
I'm going to do my best to keep the positive energy flowing.
We are all SO differently wired. But one thing remains, if we stay honest and true we will all end up where we are meant to. Facing the truth can be hard.
Shooorrttt write up tonight... i have loads of topics i could babble on about but ill save that for another day.
Today is good and it shall remain so
Xx Sam
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