Stupid Anxiety!

Sometimes I feel like I'm super crazy :/ I am such an indecisive person... I can't even decide if I want to hang out with Josh and Me or Josh, Me and his friends because I care about him so much and want him to be happy! So I want him to bring his mates around and I'll look after them too and cook them dinner and shit, I like doing that kind of stuff... and I know he gets so pissed off at me because I can't make my stupid mind up :( I just don't know, I'm scared of being by myself in my own company, yet I don't want to hang out with anyone other than Josh because he's the only person I can forget about binges and food around. But I also don't want him burdened by me...

So I decide last night that I want to just hang out with him, then just before I go and text him and say if he wants he can bring his friends over and I'll cook them nacho's or something, but then yeah I got a major anxiety attack because I feel like he's pissed cos I can't make up my stupid mind :( I just care for people way to much and want everyone to be happy, and hate people being pissed off at me!
 God I feel like crying lol.
My throat has that horrible anxious feeling.

I just had to vent all that off, it was driving me insane... I still feel a bit anxious but feel better after writing that.

Fuck I feel so crazy :/


My foods been all over the place... I have been eating here and there, It's okay. I'm not stressing. I'm kinda just going with the flow. If I'm hungry, I'll eat. If I'm not, I'll TRY my best not to eat out of habit... It's pretty hard. I've been clocking up some KM's on runs which feels really good! So I'm kinda just trying to keep balance here and there and not stress too much about meals etc. Sometimes I need the mental break. Back into it on Monday tho, I go real hard mon, tues, wed then by thurs I kinda just get lazy and taper off.... Hrrmmmm.. All good tho, I have eaten a lot of carbs lately tho, but I'm okay with it because I've had heaps of energy for my training which I've been enjoying for the first time in.. forever lol!

Anyway.. Hopefully this anxiety passes and I stop being such a fuckwit.

Sam. x

Day(s) 45 & 46; Some days are a little harder than others!

I'm a bit off today, super exhausted and can't seem to stomach my meals, each time I try eat my chicken and rice I feel like vomiting.. the only thing I've been able to keep down today is some sour cream and chives rice cakes with nutella on top.. wtf lol. I am so repulsed by meals I don't feel like eating them...this is horrible! I just want to get my gains lol and stay on track, except I'm lying at home feeling like ass and just soooo exhausted and just craving rice cakes and peanut butter :(

Fucks sake. Just let it go murphy lol.

Somedays I get so exhausted worrying about how I look, well, it's not that I worry, it's more that it's not exactly the nicest feeling when you wake up feeling not-so-positive about your body. I've been better than usual lately! Todays just an off day I think. I haven't trained, haven't eaten my meals, have had a fuckload of nutella and now I want rice cakes and peanut butter. I'm going to have some, and I'm not going to feel guilty. I'm going to get up tomorrow with vegenance and go for a run and make do to have a better day tomorrow.

It's kinda nice just lying around doing nothing, but it is also immensly frustrating when all I wanted to do today was eat my meals as usual and go for a run! I wonder whats wrong. I should prob ring the doc..

But yeah, I've been trying so hard lately. Just to let it go. If somethings not serving me the way I want it to, why should I try push shit up hill? I know if I wanted to compete again, I'd do really well if I sacrificed everything and my mental sanity. But I don't think I'm ready to do that yet. But I still have this burning desire to be lean again and be confident in wearing short shorts or even simple shit like a dress or a bikini on the beach. I wouldn't dare bare my legs atm in public because it feels so fucking uncomfortable... I just want my lean runners legs back :( So I'm going to ease into my running.. the healthy way, and keep eating NORMALLY. Instead of doing my stupid restricting stint.

Me... my goals... and then theres food lol. FUCKING FOOD.

I wish I was a boy that doesnt worry about what they ate and just ate because they are hungry! Not beicause they are angry at themselves and being an emotional fuckwit!!!!!

I'm getting there tho, each day I'm a lil stronger and managing a lot better than I was! I can actually eat things now and not feel the immense guilt i used to feel. I still have a wee inner war saying "You shouldn't eat that Sam" ... "Na fuck you I'm gonna eat it" then I eat it, then I'm dissapointed in myself for giving in.

But yeah, I swear 70% of my daily thoughts revolve around food... and that's pretty bad to be honest. I have a lot of other shit that could be more worth my thoughts than, food. But it's the way I'm wired.. and I'm trying my hardest to rewire it. I just love food. It's like my best friend some days :(

Muh.


Sam. x

Days 43 & 44; I ate more carbs than usual...and I'm okay with that.

So I've kinda reached a bit of an epiphany.
I've just eaten about 4 rice cakes apon arrival home and about 1 cup of basmati rice. I was soooooo hungry.. today I dunno why, freakin hell. I'm honestly hungry and tired ALL DAY and Im' already eating so much I don't know how I can increase my cals!! Arg it's fucking driving me nuts lol, Hrmmmm. I think its the hormonal pill I'm on :/ Super hungry ever since I've started again and real bloated. I'm doing my best not to think about it tho!!

So yeah, I've eaten all these carbs. And I'm okay with that! I haven't been perfect today, and I'm okay with that! I'm going to utilize it as fuel for a run tomorrow morning. I wanna hit 10k!
But yeah, I dunno if I'm trying to justify a binge here.. because I am struggling big time to find an off switch, I kinda feel like just eating and eating and eating but I'm doing my best to try not to think about food. Yes, I feel bigger than normal. Yes I feel bloated. Of course I do, I just hoed on heaps of carbs. But, it's okay. Tomorrow's a new day, it might suck for a bit but the reality is I just gotta suck it up. Today was all good, I tried doin a bit of cardio this AM but it didn't really happen! I was just too damn tired. Hence I'm hoping all these extra carbs this PM give me loadsa energy tmrow morning lol!!! But yeah, all in all I'm getting there. I'm not feeling too 'light' today.. bit bloated in the face, and thats al down to the pill I think. But, it's the only contraception I can be 'in charge' of, I've heard horror stories of the injection and implant, and I'm too poor, WAAAY too poor to get a minera. And you get painful periods lol so I cant fucking win can I. FUCK BEING A WOMAANNNN SOMETIMES SERIOUSLY! Dude it drives me nuts.

But I've been thinking heaps lately of things I'm grateful for.
1. Josh. This man is my life, my rock. Everytime I look at him I get butterflies in my stomach and fall more in love w him, he provides me with love and support that I've never had, and its so alien to me but SO familiar, it's like we have known each other for a very long time! We've had some fucked up experiences w dope and literally I swear we went to some other dimension with each other, it's so weird to trip w someone else and we were looking back on our old selves laughing at how stupid we were. Haha. So fucked up. But yeah, swear I've seen his soul in it's bare beauty and I still love his guts!

2. The fact I can eat normal meals without feeling like it's going to make me fat.
That used to be my life. Anything and everything was about restricting, now I can look FORWARD to my meals, seriously I look at the clock counting down my next meal lol my whole day revolves around next time to eat... that can be good and bad I spose but the moral of the story is that I DONT feel bad for fueling my body.

3. I have my indepenence back. I'm no longer watched like a hawk at meals, I can do whatever the fuck I want and I freakin love that hahaha.

So yeah.. I dunno, I feel like I'm learning heaps atm and it's really cool, trying to challange your mind in all sorts of ways! I'm going to give a run tomorrow morning my best shot, as todays been a bit of a 'rest day' doing not much and napping lol!!
I have moments in the day when I think, Oh shit, I haven't been very good voer the past few days maybe I need to tighten my diet up? Then I get all confused because I'm not cmpeting but I want to look like I am, like, I wanna walk round with a six pack! I love that shit man! But i spose you can't have your cake and eat it lol.


Hope ya'll have had a good day

XO Sam

Day(s) 41 & 42; Now I know why I don't eat KFC lol

Weekends been prettttty good! I was actually really excited about a cheat meal last night, it's been over 40 days since I've had a good one so I thought, "FUCK IT" .. I'm gonna at least do my best to enjjoyyyy it.

I find it hard to find the "stop guage". As soon as I got home from work I started eating and I didn't really stop till bout 9 or 10 at night lol. I was just happily picking away and trying to remind myself to not feel guilty, it was pretty hard. I had this continous inner conflict "Okay, maybe I should stop now" ... "Okay nah, just a few more then I'll stop" lol... god.

I ended up downing a whole pack of rice cakes, 1/2 a tub of almond/cashew butter and half a tub of honey, then we went to get KFC so I just got some popcorn chicken and a large fries. Then I had a sweet spot so protein cookie dough it was! Lol. AAAAAhhhhhh yeah safe to say I had the mad food baby! Funnily enough tho I woke up this morn and wasn't bloated! Yus. So I had my breakfast and me and Josh went to the gym, and I ran 8k for the first time in around 4yrs in UNDER 40m! YUS!!!!
Feels good man. We then went to do ze shopping and have come home and I've cooked up some food for both of us, I love sundays now because it involves just chillin wth Josh and Charlie, no anxiety because there's no real fam issues in the house anymore because it's just Me, Charlie, Josh and Steve, so it's pretty cool.

Had a reaaaaal awesome time with Claire on Sat at the store :) She comies in and keeps me company so it's really nice, I can get anxiety about stupid things (mainly food) but it's cool to have someone to converse with and learn stuff with! Claire is wired SO diff from me, but we are on the same path of 'health and fitness' or whatever you call this ish lol! She's been brought up with strong Tongan values, a strong hearty home and lots of soul - whereas I've been all over the place catching flies, a split family, anxiety, depression, anorexia, you name it... but one thing remains true is that we are still both learning. I like picking her brain, and she likes picking mine. It's cool, because it's REAL! This is what we are about. Breaking the norm. Pushing shit uphill sometimes. Going against the grain! Fuck society man serioulssyyyy the SHIT thats in the fitness industry, people don't even know they are being cunts a lot of the time and I just facepalm myself lol.

If I can help one girl, that's all I want. If I can help somebody REALISE that they can do this, on their own without paying fucking a million dollars to some shit PT that isint even in shape themselves, then yeah. THATS WHAT ILL FUCKING DO! haha sorry for all da swearing today.
One of the beautiful girls that I talk to on a daily basis wrote this to me today, and it made me fucking tear up aye!

"Something goes through my mind everyday it's what's been helping me get up in the morning. To be the best you can be you have to share a similar lifestyle and mindset to someone who inspires you , think like she thinks, train how she trains and be as disciplined as she is. Do I want to be you?? No!! I want to lead my own journey and leave my own legacy. I am thankful there are people out there like you babe setting the benchmark, being examples we challenge ourselves to aspire too. If only you knew babe the effect you have on me, the inspiration you have provided me, the motivation you have showed to get me through and because of your actions babe the hours I spend dreaming, aspiring and planning my own way to victory is because of you x"

THIS IS THE REAL SHIT. This is the shish I lurve.
I wrote this up on the fitmiss page yesterday, and it kinda just sums up everything that I'm about:

No, I'm not a scientific nutrition genius, I'm not bikini pro, I'm not a world re-known fitness model, I'm not a personal trainer.

I just practise. I practise everyday, things that make ME feel good - sometimes, my practising goes a bit messy and I do things deliberately that DONT make me feel good. But it's okay.

I just do my best to fight my demons, I do my best to get by each day - not proving to be anything else but myself. I don't have a desire for the flashy lights of the stage, the glory, the success of a medal; I have a desire to be pure and strong, to be humble in my own heart and EXPRESS the struggles and rises through my body, my actions, my words.

If I really wanted to be any of those, I would be. But I don't.
I'm just me.

Yes I've competed, Yes I want to compete again; But I don't know when, because I know the time will call and sing it's name true to me.

I form my own opinion, I've judged others by the way they look, I've backstabbed and had my fair share of shit. I've been a compulsive liar, I've been Anorexic, I've been fired, I've been bullied, I've been homeless, I've miscarried, I've been broke and I've tried committing suicide.
But that's what makes me, Me. And, I'm proud of all that shiz. I'll say it. You can point the finger and think "Oh god, she's just saying all of this crap for attention and is probably self concious and think people hate her or judge her"
That's not what I'm getting at. I'm saying, stop hiding your demons. I will proudly say mine out loud, because it makes me let it go. It helps me heal, aside from all this facebook bullshiz. Be proud of what they have made you become, because it's THAT, THAT makes us, US. Perfectly imperfect.

But I've also loved, I've also gone to the ends of the earth for MYSELF and those closest to me, and I'm also willing to understand, and put myself on the line to help others in anyway possible - by just being honest. I couldn't give two shites if you read this and think "PFFT, You're young, You're immature, You've only competed once, You don't know what your talking about, How about you do the REAL HARD yards."
That's not what I'm getting at. I respect those above me, I listen and I learn from those that have more knowledge; this journey is my own and I'll do what I damn well want with it.

I'm just a normal girl, a bit of a loser lol, from a small city, with not much to my name except a big heart and some drawing skills lol. I don't want no pity story, I'm just here doing ma thang and doing my best to spread the love, not only for myself but for you all.

Peace.
Oh and, if you ever start taking things too seriously, just remember that we are talking monkeys on an organic spaceship flying through the universe.

Tankyou and goodbuyyyeee lol.
XX SAM

Day 40; Detoxify and restart

Okay, so yeah. Last night was a fucking flop.
I couldn't stop thinking about food after my silly lil cacao slip up... I honestly was like rummaging around work for the next thing to eat, and got sooo impatient with Josh because I wanted to go home.. to eat. I started putting food at the front of my mind and it drove me literally INSANE.

On arriving home, I proceeded to cook meals and Josh's dinner, which I also used as an excuse to surround myself in food and pick on rice with sauce etc, and hot chips :/ I made josh sushi for tea w hot chips so I made extra just so I could pick on them, my day was fucked anyway. I got in the mindset "Oh well I'll start tomorrow"
Ugh.
FINALLY managed to stop the eating rampage and forced myself to go to bed... god it was hard.
Woke up this morning, and it literally felt like I had dreamt yesterday. It didn't feel like it had happened, almost a daze, except I was left with the fucking horrible evidence of a bloated belly and puffy face and feeling like a sack of shit. Yuck. I went to the toilet like 5 times that morning it was gross! My body isin't used to all that food and it just responded horribly! Yuck.

Got my ass to the gym, and ran 5k. Man it was hard feeling like your 10kg over just from one day of bad food... it really fucks with your mind! I did my best to go the whole day without looking at myself in the mirror because I know that's a negative thought trigger for me, and I made sure I ate clean - I wasn't really hungry apon waking but I had my norm breakfast anyway and 3 glasses of water, then had my packed meals and drank heaps of amino's. I felt better by the avo, went to the gym this evening w Josh and just felt like running again.
I managed to power through 7.5k! Yus I was stoked. I felt amazing! Must remember to do this again.

I have a bit of anxiety about tomorrow.
I'm at work, there's lots of yummy protein bars... and I have a funny feeling it wil be like every other fucking weekend where I binge on some, OR something else. I don't want to wake up and feel like shit on sunday.. So I have anxiety already about what I want to eat tomorrow night. It's so fucked up... all I think about is the 'next meal' or the 'next day'.. I never really stop to appreciate the moment as is. I ask Josh what he wants for dinner at the start of the day, he looks at me like "WTF" lol as if he knows at breakfast time. I dunno, I just like planning ahead a lot.. control freak syndrome!

So yeah, I don't know what I'm going to do. I really hope I'm not home alone, I hope Josh is there.. I don't feel like hanging with anybody but him because he is the only one who can really make me forget about food, or the only person I pay attention too. Everyone else doesn't seem to get my undivided attention and I end up spinning my head off onto food dream land when around friends.... it sucks! I don't know how to stop. I've tried everything under the sun man, just gotta find this inner strength n pull it outta somewhere.

I had a moment today when I thought man, fuck this ,I actually am so sick and tired of falling down and getting back up, It's fucking exhausting. What's the point. Somedays are just so hard!! I mean, the aftermath, the reflection, you ask yourself "WHY OH WHY" and "I KNOW BETTER" but at the time, that food, that binge, it takes over man. You forget all that shit. It's just you, that moment, and you have to have all that food before you can't have it anymore.


ANYWAY.
Rant over
S x

Days 38 & 39; Stupid gherkins and stupid cacao.. wait no, stupid murphy!

I keep blaming it on the food.
It's my fault really.
WHY IS THIS SO FUCKING HARD!!! ARG!!!!!!!! Why can I not find the line between 'balance' and 'moderation'

Yesterday, I had a shyte day. Went to do cardio, massive fail. I just couldnt b fucked.
Had a craving for gherkins in the arvo (wtf???) and ate a whole jar, I felt sooo ill and had to train that evening, got to the gym and just wanted to go home. I had this inner war between trying to stay on a machine and wanting to go sit in the car, I must have looked like a dick! I felt like a bloated whale from the stupid acidic salty gherkin goodness.

Then we come to today.
HOLY FUCK I'm so fucking hungry! I'm unsure as to wether it's in my head or if it's the contraceptive pill I'm taking.. Arg it's doing my head in! I just feel nauseous after I eat so I can't be fucked eating, but then I'm so hungry!! I can't fucking win!!!

I've had all my meals today already and I'm still fucking starving, I drove down to the organic shop down the road, Josh told me not to cos he knew I'd buy something and binge eat or something like that because I was overthinking it too much. So yeah, I drove down, bought the cacao I needed and spend a solid like 20 mins looking at all the food deciding what to buy. All the yummy organic raw bars etc... I could have eaten the whole shop!! DONT GO FOOD SHOPPING HUNGRY!!!
I walked out w a bag of chocolate coated cacao beans.. told myself I'd eat them, SOME of them this evening as a treat. Instead, what do I do? Open the packet. 1 cacao beann... 2 cacao beann... Mmm these are good... only a few more and I'll shut the packet.. 4 cacao beannn.. *zips up packet and puts on ground of car*

Reach a red light, grab the packet... arrg I can't stop! I've had about 20... :( I don't even feel sick.
I thought about driving to the mall to go on a food crawl and get sushi... NO!!! No because that will make it even worse! It's so fucking tempting... how about a protein bar?? No.. I went to go pull in the supermarket but didn't get out of my car. I must look like a fucing lost tourist driving around not knowing what to do whilst eating at the wheel.

ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS FUCKING FOOD ITS DRIVING ME INSANE.

I've been sooooo good this week, until yesterday I hit a weak spot and then today's just a fucking flop.

I managed to make it back to work and confessed to Josh.
I got the "I told you so!"
I DONT NEED TO HEAR THAT!!! I KNOW SO!! :( It's so confusing, why oh why!! I just want to be able to drive to a shop and be trusted within myself to not buy something and try justify why I should have it when really, I shouldn't have.. maybe that's my problem.. I told myself no, so I went to go break my own rules to feel all baddassss and prove that I can binge without feeling bad.

Yeah nah. Doesn't work like this murphy!!!

So I've eaten my 3rd meal so I'm back into meal mode and I stop picking at shit and leading into a binge.

This is going to be a fucking hard afternoon that's for sure :(


x S

Day 37; Oh god... decisions decisions!

Today's been good, once again, keeping myself as BUSY as possible, without too much stress. It can be hard working for yourself!

Have a few ideas what to do photography wise, thanks to my love Tiare :)

I ran 5km this morn! wooo! felt good man, its such a good feeling when you FEEL YOUR LEGS LEANING OUT! Yeah budday!!

So.. I'm getting fucking stage hungry again, this time however, I wanna knock shit outta deeeee park. It'll be a lil secret.. but I'm looking at either figure or physique next year.. meaning I get to build some muscle and cut down super lean - all with a better attitude, eat to grow and eat to better myself physically and mentally. Yeah I know, it's a lil crazy. A lot of ppl say "Oh you should never compete again" God get fucked lol I'll do what I wanna do, sorry dont wanna sound mean lol buttttt I do THESE things to challange myself. That is what I require, what I desire. I'm hungry for it, and I'm willing to slowly taper down and do the steps necessary, and do it justice this time. No more half assing. I've been honest to myself and something, something is calling my name - I'm listening to inside and I can feel something bubbling so I'm just going w it! Wether it's meant to be or not, I'm not sure. But hussssssssh, I'm gonna keep doing my best everyday atm!

MAN IM HUNGRY TODAY my metabolism is just hungry for foooooooood lol ahhhhhhh hahaha! Oh well must power through, I can feel myself leaning out slowly it's so good! Yay :) Dedicated dedicated  lol I go to think about food, had an inner conflict between a questbar and protein shake this avo but went for PROTEIN SHAKE! Muahahah win.

But yes, won't dwell over things as much and time to let life run it's course I think!

No training tonight I'm so tired! So gonna go home and have a nap lol, cook some meals n get an early night in!

I've gone back on the mini pill so I"m a bit nervous if I'm going to get weight gain, so making sure I keep as level headed as poss!!

Anyway nothing too major to report today... dying for some Almond butter lol :( Wah. Gotta wait till sat tho!

#willpowerrrrrrr

xx S