Yeah, I do. I've been through maybe 3 normal size jars this last week. 1 of almond, 1 of peanut, and 1 of pumpkin seed butter. Is this bad? Lol.
ANYWAY... moving along from the peanut butter choo choo train... I've been at a lot more peace with myself lately, and working hard on 'letting go' of the certain things I get caught up about, that make MY life and others lives around me MUCH much more stressful. It's been darn hard... I can tell ya. I've had moments where I've just wanted to facepalm myself, bang my head on the wall, ask myself "WHY WHY WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT" ... but moral is, I've just kept on chugging. Kept on chipping away. I have days where I will skip training and go home to lie in bed. But its okay.
I will still get up the next day and do my best to get through things.
I have days where I have a huge list of things to do, none of which involve me, its all stuff for other people. But I won't get any of it done, I'll just sit there mindlessley on my laptop and scroll through stupid shit on facebook. Then I might distract myself by going to eat food.
These are the con's of working for yourself. You get lazy.
BUT - The pro's? I have individuality. I can do whatever the f*** I want basically.
I don't know why I stared fuck. Lol. I swear all the time I'm so sorry... potty mouth :/ Actually I'm not even sorry lol.
So yes, my kind of weird controlling stubborn lazy nature is a fantastic mix considering I can't motivate myself to ever comprehend study or following something through without getting distracted or falling asleep. Brilliant. BUT
I'm actually getting a lot of things done lately.
#1 I finished my eBOOK which I thought I'd never do, and it will be purchasable VERY soon I cannot wait to share with you all the things I've been up to! Big props to Eduardo from Pimpmysite.co.nz for kindly helping me!!
I've had a few days of REALLY.. I mean really relaxed eating. Like, I haven't thought twice and I just eat. LOL. It has ended up in maybe two days where I've just eaten and eaten and eaten.. a little mindlessly. By mindlessly I mean, I go numb, I think of nothing but about the next thing I'm going to put in my mouth.. It turns into some sort of ritual for me. It's addicting, numbing and mindlessly amazing... like, it's actually amazing. I find myself spiralling down to no return. I just want to stay there forever. Me, the food, and forever. Nothing else.
Food can do this to me. It has a blanket over me, it will suffocate me if I let it.
It gets in the way of a lot of things. My socializing. Me going do to anything. Me working. Me productivley functioning. There are even times when I'd put food in before a relationship. Food is everything, food is god lol.
But, I don't want to live like this forever, abusing myself with it. I want to appreciate it. And I'm slowly learning to appreciate it through becoming vegan. I haven't been eating many greens lately... I've been eating chickpea cookie dough like 5 meals a day lol which I think defeats the purpose of 'vegan' but I will get a system in place where I enjoy greens... eventually.
I had a megaaaa cheat on Sat tho, I had not been eating very well during the day... It's my day off being 'vegan' so i ate a few quest bars, I had peanut butter on rice cakes... alot of honey. And yeah then I ended up getting a huge burger for tea, two packs of hot chips and loads of sweets (choc liqqooorice lol) So yea - safe to say I had a huge fat day the next day. I woke up with a mega food hangover, so unmotivated to move. WHY do I do this? I didn't let it get to me a lot and I went for a run in the avo after going to the markets with Josh. I'm glad I got up and did something with myself instead of sitting in my own self pity.
I skipped cardio this morning... I was exhausted so I went home and had a sleep, struggled to wake up and get up tho!! Sometimes I feel I could lie in bed forever and sleep, maybe I'm low in iron... or maybe, I'm just plain lazy lol.
Need to make a new supp order today or tomorrow so this should help pick me up and get me going again.
ANYWHO.
Going to go for a run tonight, I'm enjoying cardio and hating weights so I'll just go with it until it changes again I spose lol. No real 'drive' atm except losing a bit of bodyfat and keeping healthy.
X Sam
Sunday, 16 February 2014
Wednesday, 12 February 2014
Vegan, MIA and a new project!
Sorry I've been MIA haha. I honestly just haven't had the time I've wanted to dedicate to writing, and it would have all been pointless waffle lol! SOOOOOO yes, I must continue to remind myself that this blog, is ultimately for me. It's full of my opinion. My take on things. If you dont like what you're reading I'd nicely like to ask you to fuck off lol.
SO, what's been happening? I dont know how long for but I've cut meat from my diet - meaning I'm going mainly plant based. So I'm loading up on beans (chickpeas yuuuum, lentils- heeaps of lentils, black beans etc) and nuts, lots of nut butters lol, and heaps of veges!! Oh and my fave corn cakes! Nom nom nom. I'm feeling really good, it's actually changed my mindset on food quite a bit - i find myelf not stressing about my 'next meal' all the time, and I just eat when I'm hungry. If i want peanut butter, I'll have it. If i want this, I'll have it, if i want that, I'll have it. AND I haven't blown out in weight, if anything Im LOSING weight - slowly :) Im allocating myself 1 day where I can eat meat if I feel like it, otherwise I'll just carry on what Im doing because it's feeling really good for me!!!
Exercise wise I have just been doing whatever I feel like. If Im tired, I'll rest. Mainly I've been running, doing sprints and doing plyo. And a few weights here and there. I get bored with weights real fast, and my body naturally holds a shit load of muscle so I might train back and shoulders lol tthaaaats about it... call me lazy or whateever but I do what I enjoy. :)
Me and Josh have moved rooms - into a nice big room! yay. It's put me in a much better head space and I get a real nice working space now!
I've been working on a few things internally lately, mindfully being aware that I need to be my own person. I have a habit in relationships of putting my heart and soul into my partner, and I generally forget I exist and am a person too. and i take things to personally. and i cry. and i'm a loser. But aren't we all at some point? So I'm working on bettering my state of mind and being my own person TOO.
I'm a lover not a fighter, seriously I just want to wrap Josh in a blanket sometimes of love and never let him out lol, but I must be respectful of MYSELF and also the fact he's a person too ya know - with people feels and all. :)
It can be hard, because I'm a hermit - and I can't help but feel alone, I KNOW that I'm not alone, but it doesn't feel it sometimes. I sit in my own self pity sorrow mess sometimes and It can be hard to break out of!!
So yeah, DOING ME, More focus on me, I've actually decided to start my own ebook!!! I've been a busy woman doing what I love - cooking, photographing and designing.. it's so much fun. Can be hard to motivate myself at times cos currently I'm sitting in bed writing this and not working, but it's okay. It's a work in progress and I can't WAIT to release it!!!!
My bag was stolen from the gym last night too! So thanks fuckwit who stole that, goodbye nike bag with my CARKEYS my PHONE my WALLET lol geepers whats wrong with people these days!!!!!
Still a bit STUCK on what to do physically as a goal, But I think for now I shall just let it 'be'. I have no intention of competing just yet, comps are always gonna be there. For now I want to feel good about myself, have flexibility, try NEW things and just LIVE. Not be ruled by meal times and 'ooo im 100% commited' kinda shiz, cos I'm not. It doesn't serve me like it does others. If anything its just my Anorexic side that wants to be lean. As a human, a person, I couldn't give a fuck. But my ego, good old ego always says - Go on, you want to be lean. You want to look good.
Ahhhhhhhhh the ego, how I fucking hate it lol.
Anyways, enough rant. I better get back to some form of work.... my beds so comfy tho lol!!!!
XOXOO Smurphy :) Oh, and charlie!!!
SO, what's been happening? I dont know how long for but I've cut meat from my diet - meaning I'm going mainly plant based. So I'm loading up on beans (chickpeas yuuuum, lentils- heeaps of lentils, black beans etc) and nuts, lots of nut butters lol, and heaps of veges!! Oh and my fave corn cakes! Nom nom nom. I'm feeling really good, it's actually changed my mindset on food quite a bit - i find myelf not stressing about my 'next meal' all the time, and I just eat when I'm hungry. If i want peanut butter, I'll have it. If i want this, I'll have it, if i want that, I'll have it. AND I haven't blown out in weight, if anything Im LOSING weight - slowly :) Im allocating myself 1 day where I can eat meat if I feel like it, otherwise I'll just carry on what Im doing because it's feeling really good for me!!!
Exercise wise I have just been doing whatever I feel like. If Im tired, I'll rest. Mainly I've been running, doing sprints and doing plyo. And a few weights here and there. I get bored with weights real fast, and my body naturally holds a shit load of muscle so I might train back and shoulders lol tthaaaats about it... call me lazy or whateever but I do what I enjoy. :)
Me and Josh have moved rooms - into a nice big room! yay. It's put me in a much better head space and I get a real nice working space now!
I've been working on a few things internally lately, mindfully being aware that I need to be my own person. I have a habit in relationships of putting my heart and soul into my partner, and I generally forget I exist and am a person too. and i take things to personally. and i cry. and i'm a loser. But aren't we all at some point? So I'm working on bettering my state of mind and being my own person TOO.
I'm a lover not a fighter, seriously I just want to wrap Josh in a blanket sometimes of love and never let him out lol, but I must be respectful of MYSELF and also the fact he's a person too ya know - with people feels and all. :)
It can be hard, because I'm a hermit - and I can't help but feel alone, I KNOW that I'm not alone, but it doesn't feel it sometimes. I sit in my own self pity sorrow mess sometimes and It can be hard to break out of!!
So yeah, DOING ME, More focus on me, I've actually decided to start my own ebook!!! I've been a busy woman doing what I love - cooking, photographing and designing.. it's so much fun. Can be hard to motivate myself at times cos currently I'm sitting in bed writing this and not working, but it's okay. It's a work in progress and I can't WAIT to release it!!!!
My bag was stolen from the gym last night too! So thanks fuckwit who stole that, goodbye nike bag with my CARKEYS my PHONE my WALLET lol geepers whats wrong with people these days!!!!!
Still a bit STUCK on what to do physically as a goal, But I think for now I shall just let it 'be'. I have no intention of competing just yet, comps are always gonna be there. For now I want to feel good about myself, have flexibility, try NEW things and just LIVE. Not be ruled by meal times and 'ooo im 100% commited' kinda shiz, cos I'm not. It doesn't serve me like it does others. If anything its just my Anorexic side that wants to be lean. As a human, a person, I couldn't give a fuck. But my ego, good old ego always says - Go on, you want to be lean. You want to look good.
Ahhhhhhhhh the ego, how I fucking hate it lol.
Anyways, enough rant. I better get back to some form of work.... my beds so comfy tho lol!!!!
XOXOO Smurphy :) Oh, and charlie!!!
Thursday, 6 February 2014
A little bit here, a little bit there.
Wow haven't had a chance to sit down and right for two reasons; Have been procrastinating lol and also I honestly just didnt know what to write!!!!!
I've been having SOOOOOOO much go thru my head lately, and just have not known how to voice it all lol. I've been talking to Josh heaps and basically out loud diarying to him lol poor boy, but it's helped heaps!!
Basically, I'm impatient.
I forget, that this process takes TIME, patience, perseverance, dedication, and all that crap.. And I sit here thinking welllll why can't I just have slim legs NOW?!?!?!?! AHhh, no murphy. WAIT. WORK HARD. EAT WELL.
SO thats what I've been doing.
I've been listening to my body a bit more, feel like training? Train
Don't feel like training? Rest
Hungry? Eat
Feel like that? Eat that
More intuitive I spose, and I feel semi human lol it's great, I have my moments but I am slowly becoming more confident with my body again and it feels great.
I've been abit lost, goals wise. YES, I want to be insanely shredded, but at what cost. I dont know if I wanna comepte again... I'd love to, maybe just not yet. Comps aren't going to go anywhere and I think a bit of time off to rebuild a better relationship with food would be more beneficial for my long term sanity.
On another note, I've decided to go vegan. I don't know how long for, I'm just slowly chipping away at the no meat thing and increasing my vege intake. I'm feeling a lot better after just 1 day. I goooootta be careful tho I don't use it as an excuse to go all out on peanut butter and ricecakes lol!!!!
I'm gonna be vegan 6/7 days a week, the 1 day I'm not is my treat meal so If I want a burger, I'll damn well have a burger lol!!!
But yeah, I spose itsjust about finding that happy 'balance' ... dear lord, who knew it'd be so hard! I'm getting stronger everday tho and I EVEN WORE SHORTS TO THE GYM!!!! This probably sounds so stupid, but if I'm honest with you I despise my legs a lil and am super embarrased to show my meat thighs in public.. I'm so used to having lean runners legs and i wish I still had them, so my brain hasn't caught up to the fact I'm not there anymore.
SO, yeah I wore shorts. I got out of my comfort zone and just forced myself to get over it, man it was hard. I literally spent 10 mins sitting in the changing room debating how to go about it. AND I EVEN RAN on the tredmill, legs jiggling and all!!! I don't think I'll do it too often tho lol but it was good to do it finally!! I used to always train in shorts and not care, but now I get so caught up on what others think and that I have to set a 'standard' ... I'm a perfectionist, and I damn well wanna be the best person in the gym. I don't know why, I just always have this burning desire. It's stupid I know, nobody cares... but some days, I do. I'm a human and I'm a loser sometimes too ya know hahahaha.
BLLLLLAAAAAAA
Anyway, yeah, I've been chippin away with positivity!
Lying here w Charlie having a nap! Eating some chickpeas nom nom nom :)
Much love
XO Smurphy.
I've been having SOOOOOOO much go thru my head lately, and just have not known how to voice it all lol. I've been talking to Josh heaps and basically out loud diarying to him lol poor boy, but it's helped heaps!!
Basically, I'm impatient.
I forget, that this process takes TIME, patience, perseverance, dedication, and all that crap.. And I sit here thinking welllll why can't I just have slim legs NOW?!?!?!?! AHhh, no murphy. WAIT. WORK HARD. EAT WELL.
SO thats what I've been doing.
I've been listening to my body a bit more, feel like training? Train
Don't feel like training? Rest
Hungry? Eat
Feel like that? Eat that
More intuitive I spose, and I feel semi human lol it's great, I have my moments but I am slowly becoming more confident with my body again and it feels great.
I've been abit lost, goals wise. YES, I want to be insanely shredded, but at what cost. I dont know if I wanna comepte again... I'd love to, maybe just not yet. Comps aren't going to go anywhere and I think a bit of time off to rebuild a better relationship with food would be more beneficial for my long term sanity.
On another note, I've decided to go vegan. I don't know how long for, I'm just slowly chipping away at the no meat thing and increasing my vege intake. I'm feeling a lot better after just 1 day. I goooootta be careful tho I don't use it as an excuse to go all out on peanut butter and ricecakes lol!!!!
I'm gonna be vegan 6/7 days a week, the 1 day I'm not is my treat meal so If I want a burger, I'll damn well have a burger lol!!!
But yeah, I spose itsjust about finding that happy 'balance' ... dear lord, who knew it'd be so hard! I'm getting stronger everday tho and I EVEN WORE SHORTS TO THE GYM!!!! This probably sounds so stupid, but if I'm honest with you I despise my legs a lil and am super embarrased to show my meat thighs in public.. I'm so used to having lean runners legs and i wish I still had them, so my brain hasn't caught up to the fact I'm not there anymore.
SO, yeah I wore shorts. I got out of my comfort zone and just forced myself to get over it, man it was hard. I literally spent 10 mins sitting in the changing room debating how to go about it. AND I EVEN RAN on the tredmill, legs jiggling and all!!! I don't think I'll do it too often tho lol but it was good to do it finally!! I used to always train in shorts and not care, but now I get so caught up on what others think and that I have to set a 'standard' ... I'm a perfectionist, and I damn well wanna be the best person in the gym. I don't know why, I just always have this burning desire. It's stupid I know, nobody cares... but some days, I do. I'm a human and I'm a loser sometimes too ya know hahahaha.
BLLLLLAAAAAAA
Anyway, yeah, I've been chippin away with positivity!
Lying here w Charlie having a nap! Eating some chickpeas nom nom nom :)
Much love
XO Smurphy.
 |
| 4 weeks diff, bottom pics were taken today. |
Sunday, 2 February 2014
Acceptance
So, its been a big few days for me emotionally, didnt even know what to write. Lol.
Just finished my workout, did shoulders n glutes and plyo.
So, update.. ive relaxed w my attitude towards meals. Last week was an epic flop due to 3 binges. Sat night involved me eating 8 wraps, a tub of peanut butter, a tub of honey and a pack of rice cakes.. maan did i feel yuck yesterday. Ive come to a realisation that my binges are not emotional, its just a battle between my rational and irrational brain. My primal instinct says.. EAT.. but my otherside says no, you want that six pack. Which i do. I freakin love having a six pack.. but i love food too. Food usualy wins. I am not upset eating.. just have this compulsion to eat heaps.
I think its a result of me being anorexic in the past. 4 years of starvation and my brains a little overwhelmed!
Have been running 5 to 15km mst days which is making me more confident bout my legs, just gota make sure i dnt burn myself out.
Me n josh went to the river last nght with some blankets and had subway.. it was so nice to escape life for a bit!
My pills makin me feel ultra watery.. im trying my best not to focus on it and get me down,its hard!
Soz for the gumby brief blog im on my phone, will give ya a better update tmrw
X Sam
Friday, 31 January 2014
Stupid Anxiety!
Sometimes I feel like I'm super crazy :/ I am such an indecisive person... I can't even decide if I want to hang out with Josh and Me or Josh, Me and his friends because I care about him so much and want him to be happy! So I want him to bring his mates around and I'll look after them too and cook them dinner and shit, I like doing that kind of stuff... and I know he gets so pissed off at me because I can't make my stupid mind up :( I just don't know, I'm scared of being by myself in my own company, yet I don't want to hang out with anyone other than Josh because he's the only person I can forget about binges and food around. But I also don't want him burdened by me...
So I decide last night that I want to just hang out with him, then just before I go and text him and say if he wants he can bring his friends over and I'll cook them nacho's or something, but then yeah I got a major anxiety attack because I feel like he's pissed cos I can't make up my stupid mind :( I just care for people way to much and want everyone to be happy, and hate people being pissed off at me!
God I feel like crying lol.
My throat has that horrible anxious feeling.
I just had to vent all that off, it was driving me insane... I still feel a bit anxious but feel better after writing that.
Fuck I feel so crazy :/
My foods been all over the place... I have been eating here and there, It's okay. I'm not stressing. I'm kinda just going with the flow. If I'm hungry, I'll eat. If I'm not, I'll TRY my best not to eat out of habit... It's pretty hard. I've been clocking up some KM's on runs which feels really good! So I'm kinda just trying to keep balance here and there and not stress too much about meals etc. Sometimes I need the mental break. Back into it on Monday tho, I go real hard mon, tues, wed then by thurs I kinda just get lazy and taper off.... Hrrmmmm.. All good tho, I have eaten a lot of carbs lately tho, but I'm okay with it because I've had heaps of energy for my training which I've been enjoying for the first time in.. forever lol!
Anyway.. Hopefully this anxiety passes and I stop being such a fuckwit.
Sam. x
So I decide last night that I want to just hang out with him, then just before I go and text him and say if he wants he can bring his friends over and I'll cook them nacho's or something, but then yeah I got a major anxiety attack because I feel like he's pissed cos I can't make up my stupid mind :( I just care for people way to much and want everyone to be happy, and hate people being pissed off at me!
God I feel like crying lol.
My throat has that horrible anxious feeling.
I just had to vent all that off, it was driving me insane... I still feel a bit anxious but feel better after writing that.
Fuck I feel so crazy :/
My foods been all over the place... I have been eating here and there, It's okay. I'm not stressing. I'm kinda just going with the flow. If I'm hungry, I'll eat. If I'm not, I'll TRY my best not to eat out of habit... It's pretty hard. I've been clocking up some KM's on runs which feels really good! So I'm kinda just trying to keep balance here and there and not stress too much about meals etc. Sometimes I need the mental break. Back into it on Monday tho, I go real hard mon, tues, wed then by thurs I kinda just get lazy and taper off.... Hrrmmmm.. All good tho, I have eaten a lot of carbs lately tho, but I'm okay with it because I've had heaps of energy for my training which I've been enjoying for the first time in.. forever lol!
Anyway.. Hopefully this anxiety passes and I stop being such a fuckwit.
Sam. x
Wednesday, 29 January 2014
Day(s) 45 & 46; Some days are a little harder than others!
I'm a bit off today, super exhausted and can't seem to stomach my meals, each time I try eat my chicken and rice I feel like vomiting.. the only thing I've been able to keep down today is some sour cream and chives rice cakes with nutella on top.. wtf lol. I am so repulsed by meals I don't feel like eating them...this is horrible! I just want to get my gains lol and stay on track, except I'm lying at home feeling like ass and just soooo exhausted and just craving rice cakes and peanut butter :(
Fucks sake. Just let it go murphy lol.
Somedays I get so exhausted worrying about how I look, well, it's not that I worry, it's more that it's not exactly the nicest feeling when you wake up feeling not-so-positive about your body. I've been better than usual lately! Todays just an off day I think. I haven't trained, haven't eaten my meals, have had a fuckload of nutella and now I want rice cakes and peanut butter. I'm going to have some, and I'm not going to feel guilty. I'm going to get up tomorrow with vegenance and go for a run and make do to have a better day tomorrow.
It's kinda nice just lying around doing nothing, but it is also immensly frustrating when all I wanted to do today was eat my meals as usual and go for a run! I wonder whats wrong. I should prob ring the doc..
But yeah, I've been trying so hard lately. Just to let it go. If somethings not serving me the way I want it to, why should I try push shit up hill? I know if I wanted to compete again, I'd do really well if I sacrificed everything and my mental sanity. But I don't think I'm ready to do that yet. But I still have this burning desire to be lean again and be confident in wearing short shorts or even simple shit like a dress or a bikini on the beach. I wouldn't dare bare my legs atm in public because it feels so fucking uncomfortable... I just want my lean runners legs back :( So I'm going to ease into my running.. the healthy way, and keep eating NORMALLY. Instead of doing my stupid restricting stint.
Me... my goals... and then theres food lol. FUCKING FOOD.
I wish I was a boy that doesnt worry about what they ate and just ate because they are hungry! Not beicause they are angry at themselves and being an emotional fuckwit!!!!!
I'm getting there tho, each day I'm a lil stronger and managing a lot better than I was! I can actually eat things now and not feel the immense guilt i used to feel. I still have a wee inner war saying "You shouldn't eat that Sam" ... "Na fuck you I'm gonna eat it" then I eat it, then I'm dissapointed in myself for giving in.
But yeah, I swear 70% of my daily thoughts revolve around food... and that's pretty bad to be honest. I have a lot of other shit that could be more worth my thoughts than, food. But it's the way I'm wired.. and I'm trying my hardest to rewire it. I just love food. It's like my best friend some days :(
Muh.
Sam. x
Fucks sake. Just let it go murphy lol.
Somedays I get so exhausted worrying about how I look, well, it's not that I worry, it's more that it's not exactly the nicest feeling when you wake up feeling not-so-positive about your body. I've been better than usual lately! Todays just an off day I think. I haven't trained, haven't eaten my meals, have had a fuckload of nutella and now I want rice cakes and peanut butter. I'm going to have some, and I'm not going to feel guilty. I'm going to get up tomorrow with vegenance and go for a run and make do to have a better day tomorrow.
It's kinda nice just lying around doing nothing, but it is also immensly frustrating when all I wanted to do today was eat my meals as usual and go for a run! I wonder whats wrong. I should prob ring the doc..
But yeah, I've been trying so hard lately. Just to let it go. If somethings not serving me the way I want it to, why should I try push shit up hill? I know if I wanted to compete again, I'd do really well if I sacrificed everything and my mental sanity. But I don't think I'm ready to do that yet. But I still have this burning desire to be lean again and be confident in wearing short shorts or even simple shit like a dress or a bikini on the beach. I wouldn't dare bare my legs atm in public because it feels so fucking uncomfortable... I just want my lean runners legs back :( So I'm going to ease into my running.. the healthy way, and keep eating NORMALLY. Instead of doing my stupid restricting stint.
Me... my goals... and then theres food lol. FUCKING FOOD.
I wish I was a boy that doesnt worry about what they ate and just ate because they are hungry! Not beicause they are angry at themselves and being an emotional fuckwit!!!!!
I'm getting there tho, each day I'm a lil stronger and managing a lot better than I was! I can actually eat things now and not feel the immense guilt i used to feel. I still have a wee inner war saying "You shouldn't eat that Sam" ... "Na fuck you I'm gonna eat it" then I eat it, then I'm dissapointed in myself for giving in.
But yeah, I swear 70% of my daily thoughts revolve around food... and that's pretty bad to be honest. I have a lot of other shit that could be more worth my thoughts than, food. But it's the way I'm wired.. and I'm trying my hardest to rewire it. I just love food. It's like my best friend some days :(
Muh.
Sam. x
Monday, 27 January 2014
Days 43 & 44; I ate more carbs than usual...and I'm okay with that.
So I've kinda reached a bit of an epiphany.
I've just eaten about 4 rice cakes apon arrival home and about 1 cup of basmati rice. I was soooooo hungry.. today I dunno why, freakin hell. I'm honestly hungry and tired ALL DAY and Im' already eating so much I don't know how I can increase my cals!! Arg it's fucking driving me nuts lol, Hrmmmm. I think its the hormonal pill I'm on :/ Super hungry ever since I've started again and real bloated. I'm doing my best not to think about it tho!!
So yeah, I've eaten all these carbs. And I'm okay with that! I haven't been perfect today, and I'm okay with that! I'm going to utilize it as fuel for a run tomorrow morning. I wanna hit 10k!
But yeah, I dunno if I'm trying to justify a binge here.. because I am struggling big time to find an off switch, I kinda feel like just eating and eating and eating but I'm doing my best to try not to think about food. Yes, I feel bigger than normal. Yes I feel bloated. Of course I do, I just hoed on heaps of carbs. But, it's okay. Tomorrow's a new day, it might suck for a bit but the reality is I just gotta suck it up. Today was all good, I tried doin a bit of cardio this AM but it didn't really happen! I was just too damn tired. Hence I'm hoping all these extra carbs this PM give me loadsa energy tmrow morning lol!!! But yeah, all in all I'm getting there. I'm not feeling too 'light' today.. bit bloated in the face, and thats al down to the pill I think. But, it's the only contraception I can be 'in charge' of, I've heard horror stories of the injection and implant, and I'm too poor, WAAAY too poor to get a minera. And you get painful periods lol so I cant fucking win can I. FUCK BEING A WOMAANNNN SOMETIMES SERIOUSLY! Dude it drives me nuts.
But I've been thinking heaps lately of things I'm grateful for.
1. Josh. This man is my life, my rock. Everytime I look at him I get butterflies in my stomach and fall more in love w him, he provides me with love and support that I've never had, and its so alien to me but SO familiar, it's like we have known each other for a very long time! We've had some fucked up experiences w dope and literally I swear we went to some other dimension with each other, it's so weird to trip w someone else and we were looking back on our old selves laughing at how stupid we were. Haha. So fucked up. But yeah, swear I've seen his soul in it's bare beauty and I still love his guts!
2. The fact I can eat normal meals without feeling like it's going to make me fat.
That used to be my life. Anything and everything was about restricting, now I can look FORWARD to my meals, seriously I look at the clock counting down my next meal lol my whole day revolves around next time to eat... that can be good and bad I spose but the moral of the story is that I DONT feel bad for fueling my body.
3. I have my indepenence back. I'm no longer watched like a hawk at meals, I can do whatever the fuck I want and I freakin love that hahaha.
So yeah.. I dunno, I feel like I'm learning heaps atm and it's really cool, trying to challange your mind in all sorts of ways! I'm going to give a run tomorrow morning my best shot, as todays been a bit of a 'rest day' doing not much and napping lol!!
I have moments in the day when I think, Oh shit, I haven't been very good voer the past few days maybe I need to tighten my diet up? Then I get all confused because I'm not cmpeting but I want to look like I am, like, I wanna walk round with a six pack! I love that shit man! But i spose you can't have your cake and eat it lol.
Hope ya'll have had a good day
XO Sam
I've just eaten about 4 rice cakes apon arrival home and about 1 cup of basmati rice. I was soooooo hungry.. today I dunno why, freakin hell. I'm honestly hungry and tired ALL DAY and Im' already eating so much I don't know how I can increase my cals!! Arg it's fucking driving me nuts lol, Hrmmmm. I think its the hormonal pill I'm on :/ Super hungry ever since I've started again and real bloated. I'm doing my best not to think about it tho!!
So yeah, I've eaten all these carbs. And I'm okay with that! I haven't been perfect today, and I'm okay with that! I'm going to utilize it as fuel for a run tomorrow morning. I wanna hit 10k!
But yeah, I dunno if I'm trying to justify a binge here.. because I am struggling big time to find an off switch, I kinda feel like just eating and eating and eating but I'm doing my best to try not to think about food. Yes, I feel bigger than normal. Yes I feel bloated. Of course I do, I just hoed on heaps of carbs. But, it's okay. Tomorrow's a new day, it might suck for a bit but the reality is I just gotta suck it up. Today was all good, I tried doin a bit of cardio this AM but it didn't really happen! I was just too damn tired. Hence I'm hoping all these extra carbs this PM give me loadsa energy tmrow morning lol!!! But yeah, all in all I'm getting there. I'm not feeling too 'light' today.. bit bloated in the face, and thats al down to the pill I think. But, it's the only contraception I can be 'in charge' of, I've heard horror stories of the injection and implant, and I'm too poor, WAAAY too poor to get a minera. And you get painful periods lol so I cant fucking win can I. FUCK BEING A WOMAANNNN SOMETIMES SERIOUSLY! Dude it drives me nuts.
But I've been thinking heaps lately of things I'm grateful for.
1. Josh. This man is my life, my rock. Everytime I look at him I get butterflies in my stomach and fall more in love w him, he provides me with love and support that I've never had, and its so alien to me but SO familiar, it's like we have known each other for a very long time! We've had some fucked up experiences w dope and literally I swear we went to some other dimension with each other, it's so weird to trip w someone else and we were looking back on our old selves laughing at how stupid we were. Haha. So fucked up. But yeah, swear I've seen his soul in it's bare beauty and I still love his guts!
2. The fact I can eat normal meals without feeling like it's going to make me fat.
That used to be my life. Anything and everything was about restricting, now I can look FORWARD to my meals, seriously I look at the clock counting down my next meal lol my whole day revolves around next time to eat... that can be good and bad I spose but the moral of the story is that I DONT feel bad for fueling my body.
3. I have my indepenence back. I'm no longer watched like a hawk at meals, I can do whatever the fuck I want and I freakin love that hahaha.
So yeah.. I dunno, I feel like I'm learning heaps atm and it's really cool, trying to challange your mind in all sorts of ways! I'm going to give a run tomorrow morning my best shot, as todays been a bit of a 'rest day' doing not much and napping lol!!
I have moments in the day when I think, Oh shit, I haven't been very good voer the past few days maybe I need to tighten my diet up? Then I get all confused because I'm not cmpeting but I want to look like I am, like, I wanna walk round with a six pack! I love that shit man! But i spose you can't have your cake and eat it lol.
Hope ya'll have had a good day
XO Sam
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