Liquid Cleanse; Recipes and Guidelines.

 As many of you know, I embarked on a short and sweet 3 day Liquid Cleanse not long ago.
Why? Not for weightloss, but to see how it would affect the way my BODY and MIND functions; and I can say I felt a whole heap better for doing it.

I've been a little naughty lately, eating far too much rice & soy sauce, dates & almond butter and these super delicious honey soy rice cakes.. woopsies, but hey - I'm human! So I felt, maybe its time to press the restart button and get my body moving again.

So, the rules are pretty simple - just liquid food for 3 days! Soups, smoothies, sorbets, icecreams. You name it, get creative. Obviously, all foods are dairy and gluten free, plant based and majority of them are high carb raw vegan - with the exception of soups.

Drink at least 3L of water daily - I reccommend getting a big 1.5L waterbottle and drinking one before 12pm, that way you only have 1 more to drink through the afternoon! :)

So, without further adue - here are some recipes to play around with. I had a smoothie for breakfast, a soup and smoothie/juice for lunch and a soup/smoothie/juice/icecream for dinner... so pick and choose and see what works for you :)

SUMMER SUNRISE SORBET SHAKE

Blend:
- 1 cup frozen blue berries
- 1 frozen banana
- 1/4c almond milk
- 1 feijoa
- 1 passionfruit

Decorate with;
Tamarillo, Chia seeds & Coconut Flakes.

CREAMY PUMPKIN & LENTIL SOUP
2 cups cooked pumpkin
1/2 cup cooked lentils, rinsed and drained.
1 cup coconut milk
1/2 cup almond milk (optional)
1 tsp garlic
1 tbsp mixed herbs
1 tbsp chicken or vege stock powder
1 avocado
cumin
corriander

Blend. Serve straight away or save till later! Be sure to serve it warm

TEX MEX SOUP

- 1 medium sweet potato, peeled.
- 1 large red capsicum
- 1 large yellow capsicum
- 3 medium tomatoes
- 1/2 cup corn kernels
- 1/2 cup pinto beans, rinsed.
- 1 cup coconut milk
- 1/2 red onion
- 1 clove garlic
- 1 tbsp rosemary
- 1 tsp paprika
- 1 tsp cumin
- 1 tablespoon vege or chicken stock powder

To decorate;
- 1 avocado
- 1/4 cup black beans, rinsed.

To serve;
- Organic Blue Corn Tortilla Chips
- Corriander leaves.

In a microwave safe bowl or in the oven - cook the sweet potato, capsicums and tomatoes till tender.
Blend together with all remaining ingredients BAR the avocado and black beans.
Once blended, remove into a large bowl, garnish with black beans, avocado and corriander.
To eat, either dip in your tortilla chips or grab a spoon!

BERRY OMBRE SHAKE
Pink layer; Blend 1 cup frozen strawberries & 1 banana with a small dash of almond milk
Top layer; Blend 2 bananas with 1/3 cup almond milk.

-

ROAST TOMATO & CAPSICUM SOUP
(Vegan, Low Carb, Sugar Free!)
Oven roast the following on 200c for around 15 minutes.
2 large capsicums (quartered)
4 large tomatoes
1/2 large red onion

Blend the roast veggies with the following:
1/2 avocado
Juice of 1/2 a lime
1 chopped garlic clove
1/2c chickpeas, drained and rinsed
1tsp salt

Simply blend till thick, heat and serve.

GO GREENS!
1 kiwifruit
2 frozen bananas
1 cup spinach
1 tsp maca powder
1 tbsp LSA & berry fibre
5 dried figs
1 tbsp honey
1 cup almond milk

Blended till thick.

RASPBERRY ORANGE CHOC CHIP SHAKE
- 2 bananas
- 1/2c frozen raspberries
- 1 orange, peeled
- 1 cup almond milk
- Cacao nibs

Blend until thick, fill in a Mason jar and then top with more cacao nibs! Enjooooy!

ORANGE CHOC CHIP MOUSSE
Blend together:
- 2 frozen bananas, ripe!!
- Juice of 2 oranges
- zest of 2 oranges
- 4 tbsp almond milk

Blend, keep pushing mixture into the blades & be patient! It will turn into ice-cream.
Stir through cacao nibs & devour!!!

BANANA CAKE ICE CREAM (MONKEY BUSINESS)

3 very ripe bananas, sliced and frozen.
1/2 cup - 3/4 cup almond milk
3 medjool dates
cinnamon
1 tablespoon almond or cashew butter

Blend until thick. Top with granola, cacao nibs and sliced bananas. Enjoy! x

PUMPKIN PIE SOUP
1 cup cooked pumpkin
1 cup almond milk
4 medjool dates, pitted.
cinnamon
nutmeg

Warm for 2 minutes in the microwave, and top with granola (I used organic maple pecan granola from Liberty Market here in Christchurch), Pecans, Cashew butter & Coconut nectar!

SUPER FRUIT SAVIOUR

1 cup frozen strawberries
2 bananas
1/2 mango
5 figs (fresh or dried, I used dried)
Cinnamon
Maca powder

Blended and topped with;
Coconut nectar
Raw honey
Pecans
Pistachios
Chia Seed
Cacao nibs
Goji Berries

SIMPLY SUNSHINE
2 cups frozen blueberries
1 banana
Few tablespoons of coconut water

Topped with a juicy dried apple slice, raw honey, goji berries and a sprinkle of cacao nibs!

I hope these recipe's help you! Let me know how you get on and if you create any yourselves. Be sure to post them to my facebook page, www.facebook.com/rawbeautynz OR tag me in instagram! @sobeautifullyraw


xx Sam.

The beautiful downfalls of the female brain & how to manage these.

Being a female is hard.
I sometimes think people just don't understand how hard it can be, being so emotionally wired - it makes life confusing some days if you don't know how to manage it!

I have been doing a LOT of thinking, into all the weird things I do OR have done in the past, which lead to a delayed unhappiness or confusion now - and I'm like heck, some girls out there MUST do these things that make people, our partners or our family think we're crazy... I promise you, we ARENT! We are just unaware as to why we do what we do! BUT you can learn, and you can learn how to slowly manage things better and manage your life a little better. I'm still learning, but I thought I'd share with you what I've learnt.

1. Indecision.
I swear I find it SO damn hard to make a decision.. if somebody asks me what I'd like to eat.. I swear I just hit a bit cloudy wall and end up mumbling gibberish .. until all that comes out is "I don't mind"
This happens ALWAYS around my partner.. I'm almost like, too scared to say what I want or just have no idea and am happy to go with the flow. I think almost every female must have felt this, or guy at this point! But when you do it ALL the time it can be so frustrating for your other half that they feel like banging their head against the wall. Then there usually comes the nice line, "Why can you just choose something?!" .. which usually leads me to breaking into tears, because this decision is so emotionally distressing I just want to crawl in a hole.

Anyyyway, how on earth do you make this easier for yourself and others? Make a list of things you like. Like, if we are out and about I have to pre think some things I"d like to do or things I'd like to eat - so I don't get stuck for ideas. If you have a brain like mine, you need to pre prepare to avoid an anxiety attack over the simple idea of wondering what to eat. Research around your town some cool places that you would feel comfortable going to - so when you're out you can rattle these ideas off in no time - leaving a smile on your face and a big sigh of relief from your friends or partner!

2. Mistrust & Being Sneaky - EVERY GIRL DOES THIS!
This is something that has crept into my life subconciously, leading me to not trust people in the NOW - I hold memories or things that have happened to me in the past dictate how I act now.. and it's not fair on those who I love.
Checking your partners phone, facebook - I think EVERY girl has done things, regardless if she says she hasn't and never would, I bet my life she has thought about it - I've done it, thought about it - and it ALWAYS ends up bad. Regardless. You go on somebody's device or into their personal messages out of curiosity.. its exciting, you feel naughty.. yet you set yourself up to pick away at the SMALLEST thing and make it a big deal, leaving you with a torn reality and perception - causing you to be the brunt of the 'mistrust' - seriously, I'm not going to lie about it. It's so apparent in SO many females, secretly talking behind their partners backs about shit they have seen, yet they keep it so secret and deny they do it. Best thing I've found is to actually just be completely honest, instead of the grape vine catching up on you - its better to just be upfront and DISCUSS your insecurities, and discuss something you have seen. If this person really loves you then you will deserve the truth. If they lie, they are fuck heads and its pointless even trying. Sorry for the brutal honesty, but you DESERVE honesty from everybody in your life. If they tell you something because it's 'easier not to tell you to avoid conflict' this can be a bad and good thing - it depends on the situation. But at least repsect they do care for your emotions, and if its pointless it probably is pointless!
This brings me too..






3. Insecurites.
I'm SUCH a huge culprit for this. Comparison really is the thief of joy. I was at a point I couldn't hang out with my friends or go out in public - simply because I was SO insecure I wasn't the tall, skinny girl with a huge friend group. I wasn't good at sport - because of my anorexia. I like the be a hermit, isolating myself in society because it was easier to do that than actually make an effort.
I would be insecure about all the things I hated about myself, mainly my legs and the way I saw my reflection. Which then would lead me to compare myself, consciously and subconsciously to every girl I saw - at the mall, the gym on the street. If somebody was better looking then me or skinner, I automatically hated her guts.. if she was bigger, I felt I had one up on her.

My advice her? Get the fuck over yourself. Seriously. This is plain just your ego being STUPID!!! What you think of others is just a reflection of your own insecurities - and I say this from harsh experience! I would do it ALL the time.. I sometimes still do! But its not as bad. If your ego is controlling your life, you will lead a very insecure and miserable life without really being true to yourself. There's a happy balance between the ego and spirit - finding this comes by being really, brutally honest with yourself and the things that lead to insecurities and a sense of being 'lost' or 'stuck'

4. Overthinking & taking everything personally.
This old chesnut! DUDE, I still do this everyday, it drives me UP the wall - but it can be managed and you can recognize it to deal with it better!
If my partner or someone close to me says something, like how they feel - I totally overlook it and overthink it. I seriously will go into the most complex situation, go to the biggest extreme - and naturally think of the worst possible thing because I like to 'prepare' myself for the worse.
I will think of every possible outcome - and choose the worst because it seems 'most likely' - which is just a reflection of insecurities. All of these things I'm discussing ROLL and merge together and link into one big mush - so I like to deal with them seperately.
If someone close to me says "God, your difficult"
I will think.
"God.. yeah I am. Fuck. I'm so sorry. I must be such a horrible person to be around. Why are you even with me? You'd be so better with somebody else. Your probably going to leave me. Your definately going to leave me." Then I start finding people better than me and making this 'thought' a reality thinking that person is going to leave my life because I'm being an insecure, difficult fuckhead.
Wow.
How do you get past this? I literally tell them all the above. My partner, my boss, my family..
"Hey, I'm going to be completely honest with you here - but this is what is going through my head, its going to sound crazy (answering my own problem here) but just hear me out... and HELP ME!"
And I tell them what goes thru my head, and they are like... WOW that is so wrong lol.
If somebody gives me honest critisim, I take it personally too - I think IM a bad person and I've made all these mistakes that are completely irrelevant.

If you find yourself going into a tangent. I use breathing techniques. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Remind myself of all the people in my life, and why they love me. What do I love about myself. This removes any reason for somebody to be in my head and me thinking they are going to 'leave me' and removes the personal hate because I realize, I AM a worthy, awesome person - anybody who doesn't agree is not worthy of being in my life!
It takes time, but work on it! Just TALK and be honest and open to those you love - they will stick by your side! If they don't they can just get stuffed lol.

5. Guilt. Regret. Bad food days. Bad body image days.
I swear we all have these, just to different extents! Mine were prettttttty much on the "I'm going to DIE" end of the scale, but it's scaled down now to just "Oh woopsies. Meh she'll be right!" And just moving on with life.
The way I've removed the whole 'binge' aspect and removed a 'bad food day' is literally just a change of perspective. There is no wagon. There is no diet. It's just food. There is NOTHING WRONG with being hungry or eating a bit more than usual. It's okay to indulge. If you eat well 300 days of the year thats only 65 days of indulgence - I think you'll survive. Remove your self worth from your weight or 'what you ate' - your worth SO much more than that. Your heart, your strength, your ability to love and give and care are all things that are NOT DEFINED by your weight, your image and 'a bad food day' - It has taken me YEARS to get over this but I can say it is possible to make it to the other side. With patience, perseverance and REFUSING to give in.
If you need to cry, you cry.
Be honest with your partner, your family and your friends. Write a blog. Just express, help yourself to understand why you do these things - self therapy and self love is something truly powerful.



Anyway. These are some crazy things I have done/still do.
I hope they help you be okay with being a women!! :) It's a pretty cool experience, it's hard - but hey, nothing worth having comes easy!

If you have some more weird girl things that we do, please comment below or on the link I provided! I'd LOVE to hear them!!


xx Sam

An update for you all!

Well, I havent wrote a blog in a wee while! I'm sitting here waiting for my car to be fixed - what better thing to do than BLOG!!!

It's been a whirlwind few weeks for me emotionally, physically and all! So this blog is more or less just going to be a wee update as to where I'm at!

#1 I'm happy! Even though I have moments of anxiety still and moments where I get frustrated at a few things - the more I look at my life I realise I have things pretty freakin good, which is something in itself! So I'm very blessed and grateful.

My foods been really good - eating all high carb raw vegan and maybe only 1 cooked meal every couple of days, so I've been working real hard on eating more greens and less fats :) My weight has gone up a wee bit - but it is to be expected in a high carb raw vegan diet until my body learns to metabolise the calories - so no more calorie crunching, just lots and lots of yummy fresh fruit and vegetables! It's been a challenge in itself learning to NOT focus on 'losing weight' and trying to 'get this body that I want' and instead focusing on nourishing myself from the INSIDE out - and I can tell you, by giving my body and mind that focus it has removed a lot of stress about my weight and about my binge eating. I haven't binged in SO long now just from removing the fact that there is no 'wagon' to be on, just live and eat for nourishment of your soul. It truly works! I always thought it was absolute bollocks and hoo-doo voo-doo talk but I shit you not, I feel so much more relaxed around food and can get really creative - and I don't freak out eating 5 bananas a day! YES I have 5 bananas a day! Haha.

Would you guys like me to do 'What I eat in a day' sections so you can see what I eat in a day as being a high carb raw vegan? And how I coped with the intial weight gain? Not everybody gains weight at the start, but it is common and it happened to me - so I'm happy to educate you on how to avoid this and how to combat it and let your body do what it needs to do to get where it wants to be! I'm slowly starting to lean out, but I feel much more lighter and fresher and more energized.. I like this style of eatnig because I dont stress out every 3 hours if I miss a meal or I don't stress out if I eat too many carbs! I eat SO many carbs and I live in abundance so there is absolutely no restriction, which means - no more bingessss! Yay! My brain is happy haha!

Physically I have just been doing Yoga! I've been a bit slack as of late but I get there when I can! I can now do a tripod headstand and a feathered peacock so my arm balancing is coming along really cool! I love yoga because I don't end up staring at my muscles all the time and bagging myself out for being too 'fat' (according to the voice in my head some days) - its just me, the yoga mat and my breath. It's super relaxing and hard work in a hot room!

I still am very insecure about my legs - I struggle with having cellulite that I'm not used to having! But its one of those things I know I am just gonna have to accept! It's all piled on really fast because of my hormones - I was on the pill but has since gone off after getting a weird rash, a 3 week period (sorry boys) and a big increase in weight and water retention that did my head in. So Im looking forward to being 'normal' for a bit and getting a copper IUD put in! Hopefully that helps me balance things out.

Anxiety wise I still have a few attacks - its more or less over general life stuff/relationship stuff that is pointless explaining on here - lets just say I'm a very sensitive person and take way too much personally!


I still procrastinate heaps - i'm working on it! Kinda haha. (There it goes again!!!) but with the help of my supportive team at work and at home I cannot complain! They always make sure I'm in line and pull me in if I'm not. I respect their honesty! I'm going to start a wee meal prep busssss in CHCH for all my friends and others that struggle to prep meals or keep on track! So this is a new wee project I'm very excited about.


Anyways, this is Murphy over and out!

x

What to expect when going Vegan/Raw Vegan - How to do it the easy way!

Transitioning into ANY new way of life and living is hard!
You literally turn upside down everything you know and try to break old habits and form new ones - all at the same time! It's confusing, exhausting and sometimes a little disheartening if you don't understand what's going on!

So, after following a strict bodybuilding diet mixed in with a few weekly binge episodes - I have managed to transform my life into a life of abundance - eating what I want, when I want - and it's full of raw, vegan foods and vegan treats that are SO easy to make - no more binges, just lots and lots of food I LOVE that keeps weight off without STRESSING everday about what you're putting into your mouth.

So, firstly - HOW do you do it?
An easy and safe transition is to make SMART swaps - Swap your breakfast for fruits/veggies. Swap your lunch for fruits/veggies/nuts and your dinner for fruits/veges/nuts - snacks should be fruits/veges. (Freeze them, blend them, make icecream!!!!)
So that's the BASICS - now, there is SO much room to be creative in a vegan lifestyle - meaning you can literally make ALL your fave foods using a simple recipe base and procedure! Visit my Beautifully Raw facebook page for easy recipes that you can use in replacement of your normal meals.
www.facebook.com/rawbeautynz

What to be ready for and what to expect!?!
- Don't expect things to all of a sudden change overnight.
Maybe focus on changing ONE meal a day - eating that meal all week then adding a new meal the following week, maybe up your water intake or add more veges and fruits to your normal meals, until you get to a point where you can eliminate all dairy/meat/animal bi-products/processed foods, and load up on what you need. The extra nutrients and vitamins reduce cravings, reduce bloating - which overall adds to feeling lighter and more energized!

- Be prepared for slip ups! I'm still not 100% there - I'm about 95% there, 2x a week I might have a quest bar or 5 (simply because I can't resist!) or I might have a larger amount of fats somewhere - but its okay! Allow your mind and body to have what it needs - the rest will fall into place! You're not instantly going to get fat after eating 4 quest bars! Give yourself a break, your eating better than 99% of the world!

- DONT EAT TOO MANY FATS!!! This was a HUGE mistake I made at first, leading to a lot of unwanted weight gain which left me SOOO confused!! I ate nuts, seeds, nuts, scroggin, nut butters in large quantaties and little fruit or veg - MAKE it the other way around. 10% of your daily calories should come from Nuts/Seeds/Avocado. (That's like a small handful or two.)

- Delete myfitnesspal and stop tracking everything!!! You'll drive yourself insane. Removing these from your life or having 'set meals times' will make it SO much easier. Sometimes I go like 4 -5 hours without eating but I'm FINE, I'm energized and I look forward to my next meal without stressing about an anabolic window. I have learnt to LISTEN to my body, sometimes my mind still gets the the way but that's honestly just life! You'll survive. It's a practise :)

- OMG WHERE THE HECK DO I GET MY PROTEIN??!?! Omg. This makes me lose my mind lol. Protein sources are abundantly found in plant based foods eg broccoli, spinach, chickpeas, bulghur what, quinoa and many more. Do your research and LEARN how to make this work!


Exercise DAILY for your mind, not for physical purposes. The physical benefits will come if everything is in place :)

I hope this helps you! Remember I'm always here. Just be patient with this process and ease into it - all or nothing usually will just drive your mind INSANE!
Remember also to SUPPLEMENTATE correctly - with calcium, magnesium, zinc, B12 and 5-HTP - this will help you keep your stress levels down and keep your body in well running order!


Be prepared to poop a lot more too lol.


X Sam @ Beautifully Raw.

Raw Whipped Pistachio Icecream (Dairy Free)

 

Enjoy the sweet and salty combo with this cool whipped icecream!
Super easy and super nutritious, you wouldn't even know it had avocado and spinach in it! :)

RAW PISTACHIO ICECREAM

1/2c pistachio's (shelled) & soaked.
1/2c raw cashews (soaked in hot water)
5 medjool dates (soaked in hot water)
1 frozen banana
1 cup spinach
1 large avocado
3/4c almond milk OR coconut milk

Blend all ingredients until it turns into a smooth whip - place in a bowl and dress with shelled pistachio's and goji berries.

Eat right away OR freeze for an icier texture.

Enjoy!


x Sam :)

Carrot Cake Icecream - Raw Vegan

After seeing an immense amount of carrot cakes on my news feed, I developed an absurd craving for carrot cake. Not cake, but just the taste.

So, I hereby pronounce you - CARROT CAKE ICECREAM! Vegan and dairy free - and full of goodness.

Jam packed full of carrots you say? Yep. Carrots are high in Vitamin A - they also help prevent aging of the skin, are fantastic cleansing and detoxing foods and helps reduce cholesterol levels!




So, without future a due - here is my recipe.

CARROT CAKE ICECREAM (Vegan, Dairy free)

Ingredients:
2 large carrots, grated.
5 large medjool dates, soaked and pitted.
1 large frozen banana
3/4c almond or coconut milk
1 tbsp Almond Butter
Dash of cinnamon

Blend all ingredients in a food processor on HIGH until it turns thick and creamy.
You may eat it as is, but I like to put mine in the freezer for a bit of extra icy-creaminess.
Top with your choice of toppings!
You could top with low fat cream cheese if you aren't vegan, personally I topped with walnuts, chia seeds and natural agave!

Now, settle down with a nice book or movie and ENJOY the beauty of this dish.



XX Sam.

Dear Food: Thou shall not control my life! - Combat Binge Eating & Emotional Eating once and for all!

If you are anything like me - you will know what it feels like to revolve every second of every day around food. You will know what it's like to cancel of friends or appointments - just so you can be at home sitting in your own self pity with food.

It's blissful at the TIME - yes, but it's also heart destroying and soul destroying.

My relationship with food has been ruined for YEARS - I literally forgot how it was to eat 'normal'.
I spent all of my high-school years restricting my food intake and following a very regimental food plan I had set for myself to lose weight - I was never overweight, but I wanted to be skinnier and skinnier.
I still restricted after my Anorexia eating disorder - and I still battle with that to this day too. The only difference is I am a healthy weight - because of the fact my restricting was counteracted with a nasty binge eating disorder, which many of you have read through in my blog. Causing my body to fluctuate anywhere from 5 - 10kgs in a matter of a few days. It can be disheartening and very upsetting, especially when my brain has not caught up with the 30kg I have gained from when I was anorexic. I still sometimes find it hard to see how I 'really' am - But I sure as hell am in a MUCH better space.

I remember, up in till not long ago - my whole day would revolve around when I was next going to eat! I would literally sit there and just imagine the taste, the experience, the thought of shoving as much food in my mouth as possible. I couldn't go out for dinner with my partner, because I would be imagining and creating a wee story in my head about the binge I was going to have at night - all the food I craved I would eat every single drop until I felt completely sick. My will power from comp prep had literally just walked right out of my life - and I was being thrown around left right and center with the temptations and war of my head.

SO - what on earth have I done to change? Let me share with you.

Self talk is a very powerful thing - because everything you tell yourself in your head usually ends up being your reality, we are a product of our thoughts!
I 'expected' and 'envisioned' recovery as a 'wagon' - a wagon that is going pretty rocky so it was easy to fall off. This lead to 'falling off' being a very real thing for me - only to leave me on the dirt track having to get back up and start running to catch it again. Then I would stumble back on the 'wagon' frustrated for having let go, telling myself "God, I won't do that again" ... only to fall off that darn thing again.
** DO NOT IMAGINE A WAGON ** Do you see a wagon somewhere?? No!! It's your silly imagination that has created a healthy life being on a 'wagon' leaving it unattainable and out of reach a majority of the time! As soon as I removed the fact I was not on a WAGON and just walking down the road, observing, learning, talking, educating - I was okay. I didn't fall off. I tripped up, yes, but we all trip up sometimes when we walk. It can be on nothing too! Or it could be on a really big curb you just didn't see. So, cut yourself some slack. Your a human being - walking down the road of life and you should be choosing "Health & Wellness" Street as it's very good for you! ;) Not Self-sabotage Square!

I would tell myself 'Ugh - I'm probably going to live with this forever!'
By saying that, I already limited myself to ever getting rid of it.
You CAN rewire your brain. You have to be willing to work everyday to make better choices. You aren't going to learn all these amazing habits over night - but I can guarantee if you fight for the life you want to live and actually VISION yourself living that life - you'll be living it in 10 years time or less. 8 years ago I never thought I'd be recovered, until I told myself day in and day out "I want to do the things I want to do" - and look, I'm doing them. The laws of attraction are a very powerful thing!

Really asses what you want. I would live day in and day out trying to fight for this 'fitness model' look and lifestyle - but really, it wasn't who I was put on this earth to be. I look up to women who are on that journey as they are very inspiring. But I have grown to find inspiration for myself in other ways - there is a lot more to 'health and fitness' than just eating chicken and broccoli and going to the gym. I surrounded myself in that so I felt I had to 'be' that - but by choosing something I love, which is health awareness, yoga and mindfulness I feel very much at home.
Find your own 'home' in fitness - who cares what people say! You're always going to feel that, you just need to push through regardless of how you think others view you because, it really does NOT matter. People only really deep down want the best for you! So, find your wellness HOME and make it home. Draw inspiration and energy from the things you ENJOY!!!

Meditate every morning.
"Pfffft meditating is for hippies"
^^^ THEY are the people who need to meditate the most ironically.
If you never have, just try. I was extremely embarrassed and first and had the giggles, but once you calm your mind you are on your way to true peace. I have attached a pic at the bottom of a simple guide on how to meditate!

Food.
NOW, this is the hardest one because you need food to live - but foods the problem. It can be really confusing at times and upsetting! I know!
"Find what works for you" is a very generic term - but honestly, when was the last time you completely changed your food sources? I can guarantee that by trying something new until you find something you enjoy will help your body regulate to where it's meant to be! Instead of yoyo dieting and cutting out food groups - keep a balance. Balance is a scary word for a binge eater because we have ' no sense ' of balance. Balance is just a big 'too hard basket'... but have you actually TRIED? Have you believed you could? I didn't for a very long time until I started going meat free one day a week - those days I was meat free, I had balanced. It WORKED for me. So, I adopted 1 meat free day to 2, then to 3 until now I can go a whole week meat free.
Then it was dairy. I cut dairy out 1 day a week and did the same with meat - now I can proudly say I'm a raw vegan and it works for me!
EAT FOR ABUNDANCE. I honestly eat SO much - it keeps that part of my brain that LOVES food really satisfied by eating a giant plate of fruit and berries and a GIANT salad with vegetables and lemon juice - it keeps my body and my mind happy!
Start by maybe introducing a smoothie for breakfast; spinach, bananas, almond milk, dates etc - your body doesn't like digesting food to early, so I recommend drinking a big glass of water upon waking to get the system running!

YOGA
Yoga's not for everyone. But Yoga healed me. I've only been going to 3 weeks, but in that 3 weeks I have not binged or been inclined to, I haven't had food cravings, I've had a reduced appetite and have slimmed out eating the foods I love. It's a great feeling, and I highly recommend you try it. I go to HOT FLOW yoga in CHCH and enjoy the Bikram classes! I feel way more confident about my body and my body image is coming back to how it should be! Normal and healthy. Yes, I still have my off days and don't want to go in public but they are far and few between.

BE MINDFUL
Everyday - until you can do this unconsciously you are going to have to be mindful of your thoughts, actions and eating patterns. Recovery is a sensitive phase - your body and mind are opening to change so lots of habits can easily slip in! Sit back with your meal, experience the flavor and taste and be GRATEFUL that you get to eat an abundance of food you love -instead of wasting all that money and taste for something that doesn't serve you - like a binge. By being mindful, I just mean think wisely. You are in control of your thoughts believe it or not - so create nice ones, that make you FEEL good on the inside.

CLEAN out your facebook, instagram to only happy places. Recipes, words of wisdom, training advice - instead of anything that makes you feel negative about yourself. (For me it was fitness model pages etc)

I hope some of these tips help.

Remember, you aren't going to be cured over night.


X Namaste, Sam.

Transfer your energy.

The past few days have brung apon a massive shift in energy for me - not only from my ego, but to my soul... wait... more like from my ego TO my soul.

I've let go of SO much. The simple things that were dragging me down - like my constant need to compare myself to others, and the attachment of my self worth to my image. My constant emotional need to be numbed by food. My procrastination that is led on by the thought of food. The fear of going out in public because of how I look.. Have slowly softened their intensity in my life.

I cannot explain how amazing this sense of freedom is. But what I can explain to you, is how I have done it - what mental processes run through my brain. I'm not completely cured, but I'm in a far better space than I was yesterday. I now don't fear food. I haven't binged or felt inclined to binge, and I havent felt depressed or lost.. getting to the point where you just ball into tears about absolutely nothing.

Many girls who read my blog suffer immensely in the struggles I do. That's why I write it. So you KNOW you aren't alone.. BUT - this does not mean we can live like this forever. It's exhausting, time wasting and sometimes you wonder why you make your life this stressful.

There is no real CURE for disordered eating, eating disorders, body dysmorphia.. but there are ways you can totally manage it better and learn to put in place more positive habits to help you keep moving forward. I had in my head for so long writing this blog that I could magically 'cure' myself, instead I only really drove myself deeper and deeper into it and really had no idea what I was doing - I'm not ashamed of saying that, because we ALL do it to a point.

I still, and am aware still I will have days that are off point - days where I do have a few bad habits that creep in, but I can only learn through myself and the support network I have generated that sticks by me despite my struggles - that can take their toll and energy on relationships around me, so I'm forever grateful for those who stick by me even when I'm a selfish, not nice person to be around. I don't realise it at the time - it's almost like how 'love is blind' ... 'illness is blind' too.

SO - things that have helped me.

1. Be still.
Our minds are SUCH busy things - and a busy mind means to not-so-mindful thinking - so bad thoughts can easily creep in! I have taken the time by both mediating, yoga and just 'breathing techniques' to calm my anxiety. And just listen to the noise in my head. What is dominating? 9/10 it was food or body image related, so I have made a concious effort to push these to the back of my head. I literally sit there there imagining myself pushing a big blub of bad thought out to the back of a giant space in my head, and it seems to work.
SO - find a system that works for you. Maybe you like to pray, maybe you like to sing, dance - whatever your 'release' is - do it. Maybe it's just walking to the park and lying on the grass and falling into a daze. Go and be still.

2. Do something you have never done before.
Yoga was mine, and I found it and fell in love with it. Go and do something you have literally NEVER done before. Something to exercise the mind - it will take up the space and I guarantee it will be something that calls to you and makes you fall in love. If not, go try something else. There's an abundance of things waiting for you.

3. Forgiveness, and believe it.
If you slip up - binge again, eat bad. Forgive yourself - and actually BELIEVE what you are saying to yourself. Empathise to yourself, give yourself a hug. It's OKAY.
Too often we pull the whip on ourselves, it's like personal slavery. Its horrible.
It's like we pull ourself into our own wee prison - and sentence ourselves until we finally break out of jail. Then even THEN we still feel a sense of guilt.
Forgive yourself, realise what is done is done and you can only try harder next time.

4. More fruits and more vegetables.
Eating a raw lifestyle has allowed me to curb many cravings - eg peanut butter and ricecakes. I don't even want any! I just want lots of veges, lots of greens and big salads and fruit bowls! I love eating from the earth and my body and mind is thanking me in MANY ways.


Binge eating, depression, anxiety are all really sensitive parts of ourselves, so they need to be treated with care.

These are all simple things I've been working on, not to mention being grateful, and actually BELIEVING I am grateful instead of taking THAT for granted.

Enter your day smiling and with a calm mind - and I guarantee you'll be able to handle things much easier!

Anyways, I'm sleepy so I'll talk again later.

X Sam.

Sometimes, yeah, sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder why the fuck I am even writing this blog.

It's hard, because NOT EVERYONE is going to agree with what I'm saying - I'm totally aware with this.
A lot of what I say goes 100 ten fold against the 'fitness industry' - only because I have such strong 'dislike' to the part of it that is image based - and I am affected pretty heavily by this. Because Anorexia pressures me to meet a standard to be successful, right now, I'm no where NEAR that so everytime I look in the mirror I feel failure.

There are positives of the industry, don't get me wrong. But I'm sick of it being an 'industry' to me - a job. I feel like I have to prove something to be successful. I just wanna be fucking happy, fit and happy with my body. I want the old Sam who would just enjoy going for runs on the beach and spending a summer in her bikini. Not the Sam who locks herself in her room because she's too ashamed to hang out with friends or go out in public because of how she looks - It robs you of life, body dysmorphia. I would never wish this apon anybody.

A bit of stigma heeled over about my last blog post - I'm not apologizing for it, because its how I feel. I'm also aware I could have worded it a lot better - but I was furious and full of hatred and sadness apon the time of writing it. Not at those I love, but at myself. Because YES, I GET IN THESE SITUATIONS MY SELF. I'm not laying BLAME on the industry - it is what it is, and it's a really positive thing for some people - but the people that CAN compete all the time and be in amazing shape, I get jealous - Anorexia gets jealous. It will hang me up to dry and laugh at me saying I could never be that because I would have to give up food and I'd get sick again. Which I KNOW is not true, but that's how it makes me feel. Every day becomes a living hell the more I try to 'control' food - so I've let go. Even if I TRY eat 6 meals a day of clean food, I still feel I'm hanging on thin ice - it's exhausting knowing I could slip anytime. That's why this blog can be FULL of shit stuff, because when I'm angry or sad - I will write. I write when I'm confused. Hence these blogs probably make no fucking sense half of the time. It's my anti depressant. I don't stop to write about the happy things, because I just spend the moment with the happy things instead of documenting ever second of my life.

I feel stuck. Because - the closest people to me are in the fitness industry, and live this lifestyle - and I love to support them, yet I also have to have myself somewhat included in it to keep the part of Anorexia calm that I'll never lose. I have to be in shape - or working towards some sort of shape for some weird reason otherwise I'll drive into depression and probably never EVER go outside in embarrasment, that's what Anna says to me and makes me do - I've been there the many times I've neglected 'controlling' my food and controlling my exercise and it's scary, because I lose control completely and go into an all down right binge fest.

I share the shit times so somebody out there doesn't feel alone.
I'm accountable for what I have on my facebook news feed, and how it makes me feel. I liked all the pages to make me feel bad.. because the Anorexic part of my brain thrives off that, it thrives off 'thinspo' and makes me want to be the tiniest person in Christchurch. NO. IM NOT GIVING IN.
I invested SO much time on there because I grew my business on there and now I'm trapped... I don't know what its like to socialize normally because I get social anxiety, even around my closest friends I cant help but get on my phone and scroll thru facebook to avoid conversation because I'm too embarrased to say anything. It's a life robbing feeling and I'm stuck. honestly stuck. This illness, it robs me of my friends. It robs me of happiness, and being trusted by those you love.

If there's somebody out there that feels like this... please speak out. I feel fucking lonely man, I see all these people and their athlete pages making it such a positive thing "Eat clean Train Dirty" etc and I just honestly wish it was easier for me to do this! NO I'm not being a pussy here and saying "Ohhh i wish I could do that wah wah wah wah" - I truly DO want to lead that kind of healthy lifestyle, I juts have to accept, it's not for me right now- and it's hard, because I then feel the pressure cos 'everyone else is doing it' NOT saying it is easy, because its fucking not - it takes discipline. I can do the discipline part, its the mental torture I cannot put up with. I'm a sensitive, passionate person - so I get passionately sensitive about the wrong things.

I seek inner peace. I seek a sanctuary where I can be free from this.
I CANT just drop this fitness lifestyle to please others and get out of there life. I do it because there ARE parts that I love, but at the moment I AM WEAK and I need help - I am aware of this. And being on a waiting list for help doesn't help ether... because each day drags out.

I get upset because I feel those closest to me really don't understand - I kinda do wish they could swap heads with me for a day, so I could feel normal - because that's my dream.. to feel 'normal' - balanced.

I had a binge on quest bars yesterday because I got so upset about this all - lose lose. But I let it go, had a healthy dinner and slept well - woke up this morning and did a hot yoga class and had a fruit smoothie for breakfast. A new day today, so breathe Sam. Let it GO.

I am aware I've pushed myself maybe into the industry where I shouldn't be, and I'm working on change.
I'm working on finding my happy spot - my happy spot is hollistic health, vegan lifestyle and yoga.
These are things that have made me feel calm and peacefull - a person I want to be.
Not someone chasing shiny lights on a stage - I can't handle it. I take my hat off to those who do it and I will support you 110% ... as much as I would KILL to get on stage again, I know its my Anorexia looking for another excuse to budge in and push me to get lean because I feel I'll be 'accepted' again amongst everyone.

I don't even know.
I'm literally just spewing out shit from my brain as I speak... even though this blog has a very 'negative' tone - I am also very happy. I know what I need to focus on to be me, I just needed to get this off my chest.
Cooking, Creating, Yoga and Mindfullness. <3

Love to you all - please don't worry about me if you are ready this either - I know you care but please trust I AM OK. I like to write. I like to have an opinion, I just need space. To find 'me' again.

Well, it's been a while..

Lying in my bed, and wow - it's been a while since I've caught up with myself and my readers.
Not that I write juuuusssst FOR YOU - but you guys are some days what keep me going, keep me focussed.

It's been hectic.. this whole journey of 'self love' and 'self acceptance' seems like it is so glorious and fresh as you start, then as those parts of yourself you DON'T love start surfacing, that's when the roller-coaster really begins.

Everyday we are PLUGGED and PULLED into the faces of the fitness industry - I guarantee if you look down your timeline, 50-70% of it will be fitness model related. Well, that was the case with mine anyway. These 'subliminal' messages - wether you think they affect you or not - really warp your own self perception and how you feel about yourself. It could even be your friend who is competing, who is in much better shape than you because she lifts 6 days a week and does endless amounts of cardio and eats clean 7 days a week.
You sit there, and you appreciate it at first, but deep down you are tearing at your heart because of how much you despise what YOU have.
I've been there, and I know how it feels.
It manifests. It grows until its too hard to bare with - you can't walk down the street without getting hyper anxiety about how your legs look - they are no where near the what the picture in your mind tells you they SHOULD be - where did that damn picture come from anyway? Society, society and the subliminal messages you are FED everyday as to what is and is not 'accepted' in the ways of beauty.
We are all advocates for 'beauty starts on the inside' yes - but how many of you actually believe that? How many of you?

I've stopped going to the gym, as I can't walk in there without judging and comparing myself to every single girl in there. It began to make me hate myself because I was being 'that person' - so I left, I will go back one day - but once I am healed and have a clear set goal and have trained my brain to 'just do my thing'.
SO, I have taken up Yoga.
It has honestly, changed my mindset and my life. It's probably a mix of Yoga and new medication but I'm going with Yoga.
It has taught me to be in my own stillness - to breathe, to let go, to really crunch down to what is wrong and be in my own present time - thus that 'problem' erases itself as 'not important'. I have not had an anxiety attack in 2 weeks and I have not felt inclined at all to binge for 2 weeks - so I have been fully 'vegan' for 6 weeks so far, but only in the last two weeks have I got it 'right' - and my body is thanking me in SO many ways - not just physically but mentally. I highly reccommend yoga to anyone who is battling with what I battle with, it has changed my life immensely.

I'm slowly starting to appreciate my body and all it serves for me - I've been pretty horrible to it over the past 8 years and it's time to stop.. because one day, I won't have this body. I actually looking in the mirror and looked down at my legs, and Yoga has transformed them in the way I have WISHED for them to look like for so long, I feel comfortable - and I'm happy. I'm happy not because I'm 'skinnier' but because I feel more stronger, healthier, lighter and more bubbly - the real me that's been hiding somehwere for so long. It's almost as if a huge cloud has just peeled itself away from me.

Anyways, I'm gonna leave it there. I'm pretty tired.. had horrible hayfever ALL day today and it's driving me up the wall, I'm hoping it is gone tomorrow as I have a full day in the iSUPPS store and reaaaaaly don't want to be plugged with hayfever ALL DAY again!!

Night all, and stay happy.

X Sam.

It doesn't matter how slow you go, just keep moving.

I must keep telling myself this.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have been stationary - hence I have not posted a blog entry in a while because my head has honestly been all over the place! I've posted a bit on facebook.

I've grown to hate the gym - because it turns into a completely negative experience for me.
It turns into a time where I would rip myself apart - a time where negative self talk would consume me, I'd compare myself to every girl in the gym - compare their legs to mine. If they were better than mine, I'd automatically hate them. If they were bigger than me, I'd think I was winning.

My stupid, fucking ego. I have removed myself from the gym scene until I work on healing my heart and soul and becoming the person I KNOW I am, not someone who is still controlled by anorexia.

Everyday at the moment is a battle - Every decision for the last 8 years has been made for Anorexia. What I wear, look too fat in clothes I like?  Can't wear them. Make me look fat whilst running? Can't wear that either. Only thing that makes me look skinny? Baggy clothes. It tells me I must hide my body because it's too embarrasing to show in public. I can't wear singlets, because my arms are too big, according to it. I must wear loose tshirts only now. I can't wear shorts, no thats a big nono for Anorexia.

I've been controlled by this for as long as I can remember, and it robs me of life. It robs me of happiness. I'm over it. Hence I've seeked help, and am on a waiting list - but tahts what I'm doing, waiting. Impatientlly battling everyday.

People say, "Look at the beautiful person you are on the inside though!"
Ohhh god I WISH I could believe that when I tell myself it. But my exterior, my body image controls every aspect of my day. It's tiring. Exhausting. Mentally draining. I'm tired everyday.

Exercise is meant to better you, not be a torture session. I went for a walk around the park yesterday and the voice in my head was just yelling at me to push my legs harder to the concrete to burn more fat. I must have been walking like an idiot, but I didn't think anything of it until after when I saw a girl a bit larger than me out running, and I'm like why the fuck can't I just do that? Wear those clothes and be okay? Instead I make everything SUUUUCH a big deal for myself.

Foodwise I've been good - I've been following a vegan diet but I have been going haywire with nuts, seeds and dried fruit - hence unwanted weight gain which has led me to become a little depressed because I can't shift it with my hormones and my horrible exercise experience atm.

I figured, dude, there MUST be a way around it.
And finally a light shone.
Go and try yoga. You've had like 10 ppl tell you how amazing it is but you keep putting it off because of your stupid anxiety.

SO, I did a 90 min HOT yoga session for my first go and duuuude I died! I am really excited about bettering myself here because I felt calm and not judged like I do at the gym.

Still unwanted weight gain is driving me INSANE. My boobs are huge and swolen due to my mini pill.. usually it doesnt make me gain weight but this time round its just gone wooooahhh dude.
Might look into a Mirena, I just dont have 300 bucks to fish out for that shit ! :(

It's annoying, because I wanna lose a little weight NOT because of Anorexia, but to be HAPPY and HEALTHY and FIT an be able to WEAR the clothes I love, feel confident and be able to run around the park without chaffing! But it's that constant battle between what I REALLY want and what Anna wants.

I'm in a much more placid place tho - no anxiety over eating and no binges - but I'm still not happy with how I look :/

Murphy out x

It all makes sense now.. kinda lol.

It's been soooo cold and sooooo friggen wet down here in the Church mayn!! Goodam there's flooding everywhere lol!
Luckily we are not affected, hope everyones okay tho! :( That would really suckkkk to get errrthang wet.

So, todays been another successful day a la food wise. Didn't train tho... which I do feel a lil guilty tho :/ My goal was to just do cardio and I haven't managed to get up to do that...
No calorie counting, no number crunching and just learning to make WISER choices with my food instead of being so darn controlling and strict and driving myself INSANE.

Breakfast 8am;Almond, Banana, Berry & Cacao Smoothie (sooo good)
Snack 11am; 1/2c seed mix & salted chickpeas
Snacked again atttt 2:30pm; White Chocolate Raspberry Questbar
3pm; 3 plums & a few cashews
6pm; Vegetarian Satay w Low-carb noodles & butternut pumpkin.

So, a LOT less that I am used to eating... but to be honest I'm just not that hungry! But at least I made better choices today so Im happy with that! Slowly making the transition into being a vegan (goodbye questbars lol wahhhh) so I think it will be good for my body! :) I'm enjoying plant based foods WAY more than meat, it feels so much more refreshing to eat!

I had a good chat with my dad the other day. (Hey dad, if you are reading this)
And it's probably the first time in 8 years I've opened up to him, and been honest.

Basically, to sum it up - I have recognised I've been battling with Anorexia even AFTER I have recovered to a healthy weight.
The past 8 years have been me trying to control everything to such an extent, because I fear if I don't devote as much time and energy into my fitness and food, I will blow out - and that's just unacceptable (says the monkey). Hence I have lost jobs, I quit on people, I am a horrible person and SELFISH because I want to be immersed in Anorexia - because it makes me feel like I will look good. But, I get thrown in the gutter everytime.


So, I panick, and I try so ridicolousy hard to control my food intake and control my training, and it just hasnt been working. I'm not happy. Duh, who would be happy controlling themselves out of there minds? The more you control food, the more it will control you!!!

It's hard because I'm in the fitness industry... which, to be quite frank - I started to want to get into the fitness industry because of Anorexia. As an excuse. A mask. To cover it up. To get lean without people knowing I was sick inside.
I'm surrounded day to day with people that are in AMAZING shape, and I'm not at the moment. I'm not saying I've 'let myself go' but in comparison to those who 'my monkey' tells me I should be like, I am no where NEAR that because I can't get my food under control, let alone find any passion for training.
It's an endless, vicious cycle that I can't ever seem to win.
The times that I was in amazing shape would have been around 2010 where I was running at least 10-12kms a day, exercising 3 hours or more a day and living off seeds and crackers. I would skip school assembly just to go for a run. I would exercise at morning tea when all my school friends were eating morning tea. Stuff food man, I can burn at least 300 calories in 20 mins.
BURN BURN BURN you fat shit. (this is what would go through my head)
Yeah, I don't know how I managed to pull that off.

Even now,
I subconciously check myself, grabbing at parts of my body that I despise and want to get rid of.
I subconciously look in every friggen mirror damn near possible. And it's never satisfying to see what I see.

These are all traits of Anorexia, and I have carried these habits on with me to what I do day to day now. And I've only just realised.
Thank fuck for that!

SO I'm going to head to the docs for a checkup and chat to my doctor, who diagnosed me with Anorexia because he knows my background.




Sometimes, I think my god. You guys must honestly think I'm mental. One day I'm up and the next I'm down - I know those close to me have trouble knowing waht to expect with me, a few days ago I thought I was bipolar (good old google self diagnosis lol) ... I'm just SO up and down and I never know what my own mood is going to be like. It gets so confusing some days and hence I get hyper anxiety around people because I change my mood in a matter of 5 seconds!!!
And for the mere fact I change my bloody story and direction every second day, but it's just because - I don't know WHO I am.

I'm on a mission to find out who "sam murphy" is.
I honestly don't know. If somebody told me to set a goal at the moment, I couldn't do it. Because I don't know what SAM MURPHY wants. She's so far gone and has been so immersed in this stupid eating disorder that she's a little, a LOT, lost.
I see all these people online making goals and going hard and smashing them... and I've never done that. I'm a create of habit, a spontaneous person, with no real 'set plan'.. I just go with the wind. Im a free spirit. It's just me. BUT I need goals, to strive forward, for something bigger.
SO, I need to find who 'me' is. I'm going to sleep on it, and define what I am and who I want to continue to be and grow.

It's confusing, saying "I don't know who I am"... I'm a little embarrassed to say it... but I really don't know. I've expended SO much energy into my eating disorder, my body image and all over the years - I'm defined by THAT. And I'm over it.
I don't want it anymore. That's not how you fucking live.

Anyway.

Seeyaaaaaaaaa lol
XOXO
Smurph.

A new start.

So, I'm giving things.. everything a second chance with myself.

I've been SO tired, groggy, down in the dumps a lil lately... annnnd I know why. I haven't been eating fruit and vegetables.
Today I FINALLY went and tracked what I ate - and my god I've been shocking lol.

Today goes as follows:
1 banana for breakfast and some grapes
1/2 packet of seed mix (sunflower, pumpkin and sesame seeds)
5-6 dates
Some cashews
4 rice cakes with almond butter + honey
1/2 jar of gherkins

LOL my god how the fuck is this even eating??? Soooo yes. This is what I've eaten today.
SUCH a contrast to me who was eating 6 meals a day of carbs and protein, now I just can't be assed! The thought of chicken makes me want to vomit :( So does the thought of eating a pre made meal of my own!

Am I just being lazy or am I really over it for now?

Either way, this is no excuse to be eating randomly.. I mean, I've been eating pretty GOOD natural food sources, just nothing that contains any minerals and vitamins my body is probably crying out for... hence I'm lying in bed doing my work today.

SO, Tonight I'm going to go no a FRUIT AND VEG shop and make a concious effort this week to UP my fruit and vege intake.

I was scrolling through pics of me on my comp prep and found some a few days before comp... Wow!! I honestly can't believe thats me. Then I took some this morning and thought... WOW... yep thats me lol.

But what was funny to see was the contrast in my Photo Booth camera gallery... the pics BEFORE I even started comp prep were just of me normal, smiling etc with kids and stuff, and the ones during comp prep, EVERY single photo is of me half naked, in a selfie. Me obsessing over my body 100x till I want to drive my head in the sand. I couldn't go a day without a selfie to check I looked 'better' than yesterday. That's not 'health and fitness'. Thats just plain fucking retarded.

Bloated, haven't trained in 2 weeks and haven't been eating very consistently and also on the pill has led to a watery whale! It's a little frustraing seeing as I was making SUCH good process before... but I wanst happy in my skin :( I was eating 6 times a day but always starving, unhappy, not enjoying training, flucuating too much... so yeah. I kinda had just had enough. And woopsies, good ol me goes and blows my arrrrrse off the wagon!!!!

I'm not too sure what to do training wise... I haven't trained today. I had an internal war about going to do cardio but instead I went home to bed. I KNOW that cardio will make me feel better but I just feel so god damn uncomforable with the way I look right now!! Not being happy on the inside has led me to be a not very happy person on the outside esp with the way I present myself.

So my goal is to start fixing this internally.

- Eat more fruit and veg.
- Make more smoothies
- Drink more water
- Do cardio and do something ENJOYABLE at least 3 times this week.

Here we go again.. *sigh*

Love to you all x

Smurph.

I can't help but wonder.

I'm lying in bed. It's 10pm and I just have so much running through my head. So much, that it is almost exhausting. So I decided to write.

I can't help but wonder, what it would be like - to live life without Anorexia. I know, that due to this illness I have a habit of comparing myself to others. Always have, but I want to change. I do it subconciously- it's Anna that makes me do it. She tells me every second of everyday I'm not good enough, and not matter how many people tell me how good I am I will never EVER believe them, for I have been convinced by this monkey that I am not worth enough myself.

I look at everyone else... and I often wonder... what is it like, to not have an eating disorder?
What is it like to have a normal relationship with food?
What is it like, to be able to compete, and be successful and maintain a low body fat without being controled by an eating disorder?

What. Is. It. Like.

I wonder.

But, as much as I RESENT my struggle - I have learnt to accept - that this is who I am. This is how I function. I cant eat a meal normally without stressing or obsessing over something, leading into a tagent picking fest of binge. I've been hiding it for YEARS now and I used competing as an excuse to mask the eating disorder. "Oh, I'm this lean because I'm competing. I'm restricing my food because I'm competing."
That evil, deceitful thing.

And it's hard, because I reached a physical peak I loved, but it wasn't good enough for some reason.
Anna had really pulled me under.

When I say, Anna. I mean the name that Anorexia is sometimes given. I talk as she is a part of me that sits on my shoulder some days, and I STILL battle with it. Not to the extent - Like, I'm not sick. I'm a perfectly healthy weight, just with a perfectly imperfect relationship with food.
But who is perfect, honestly.

I don't even know what I'm rambling on about half the time.
I just honestly just look at all these people at the Arnolds atm.. and I can't help but wonder, what is it like - honestly, what is it like to be able to do that?

My ED has held me back for 8 years.
8 years of lying.
8 years of decisions made by ANNA not by me.
8 years of not knowing what truly makes me happy.
8 years of not being happy.


I'm tired.


Sleep time.
I haven't binged tonight, so that's a win. :)


Sam x

Letting go.

This morning started off really well. I had a smoothie for breakfast, and went to the gym for the first time in 2 weeks - I did a 15 min sprint session and 15 mins of kettlebell work and deadlifts. Short and sweet and not very intense, just needed to get my body moving again. Was really glad I did it to be honest :)

Then I got home, And I was asked this question;
"do you think anorexia is to much of your life?"

Yes.
Yes it is. And, I will soley put my hand up here and be accountable to this.
I don't know what it's like to not have it. Every single decision I make is based on it. Every single day I have it in the back on my head, and it's stopped me from making a lot of choices in the past.
It's like I dont know whats it like to not know how to draw... I dont know what its like to live life without an Eating Disorder. Every single second of my day ends up being defined by it.
And, fuck me. It's exhausting.

Don't get me wrong - I've made HUGE progress from where I have started from, and I'm hella proud of that. But I seem to have this empty feeling of unsatisfaction - an empty void which should be filled with passion and love. But.. My hearts not happy with something, and I'm unsure what.. I don't even know where to start! But I know because it's due to my eating disorder leading me down this road. I'm not saying I have ED NOW - but, all the decisions in my past have led me to be here - I'm meant ot be here for some ungodly reason which I don't know the answer too and it's driving me INSANE.

I'm lying in bed with Charlie. It's raining outside and I've been crying for the past hour, because it all hit me like a wave. A wave of self realisation, and exhaustion. It's exhausting, being on edge 24/7 about how you look, what you eat, how you train, how you feel when you train, what other people are thinking - constantly in the OUTER instead of my own NOW.

Josh mentioned to me that I don't have much else in my life atm apart from training, food, how I look, etc - I surround myself to it on the daily, and yes, I will hold my hand up there and say I'm accountable to that. I value what he has to say SO much.. he says he can't RELATE to what I've been through, but he can see what Im doing to myself and he's right. So I'm thankful for his recognition of this.

I don't do anything else apart from those things. I get scared of doing something non-fitness related, because it's been my life for 10 years.
EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I haven't gone a Christmas since I was ill without worrying about consuming too much food.
During the CHCH earthquakes I had hyper-anxiety and panic attacks because I couldnt get to the gym because I thought I would get fat. So here's me, trying to run around broken streets, crying, because I was out of my normal routine.
I don't remember the last time I went to a social party without getting social anxeity and wanting to go home, because I worry about what people are thinking about the way my legs look and all I can think about is food.
I cant remember the last time I trained out of physical/emotional satisfaction - EVERY SINGLE TIME I train, is because I am SO fixated on the way I look and wanting to be thinner, thinner, thinner, thinner. I haven't even realised until now. And it made me upset, scared and I felt a little vulnerable.
I don't remember the last time I went out for dinner - and didn't have anxiety because I couldnt eat in secret and I couldn't order 1 of everything off the menu and binge. I can't binge in public, it's a secret of mine that I have to keep.
I have lived like this pretty much every day ever since. Hollllly fucktard.


BUT - I am glad I have caught this now.
There is NO WAY in hell I'd ever go back down the road with Anorexia. I HAVE far too much on the line, and I truly trust myself that one day, I will be free of this. I will be free of comparing myself to others, I will be free of jealousy. I will be free of anxiety around what I eat and what its done to my body. I will, be free. I WANT to be free. I want to run around naked in a fucking gypsy community and just love thyself.


The way I have been living? Lies? Lying to MYSELF? Pretending?
This is NOT a way to live life.

It's draining. It's drained my soul, my heart and it's confused the fuck out of me. I'm so far gone from myself some days because the monkey has unconciously directed a lot of my decisions, that I struggle to find what I TRULY want. What makes me happy? I don't fucking know! I honestly don't know. I don't remember the last time (except for when I was off my face on drugs) that I haven't had it in the back of my head.
It's my own fault I know that, I concisouly chose to do it because I thought I'd be strong enough. But once again I was convincing myself something that was totally irrelevant.
I feel scared of letting it go. Because, I don't know what I'd replace it with. It's all I know, it's how I've learnt to live my life because I don't remember my life before Anorexia... that makes me sad, and scared.

I'm in bed. I'm in a blanket. I'm safe. It's raining. I feel better for writing.


Please, to those who know and love me, trust that I'm okay :)
I'm smiling now, and I know there will be better tomorrows.

Thankyou for reading

I also want to thank personally, my partner Josh, Claire, Claire Eder and Tiare - you girls are and (guy) are the only ones that I converse with this stuff closely about, and I'm thankful for you CONSTANT love and support.
I have come so far from the person I was, but I am not free, not just yet.
Also a huge thankyou to all the ladies who are following and supporting the FITMISS NZ page.. on days like this, YOU are what inspire you. YOU hold me together. YOU are the reason I strive to change the way the fitness industry makes me feel. I may get my head in the clouds some days, and forget... but it is YOU that I want to make a revolution for. I'm sick of the suffering, the pain and I sure as hell don't want any of you ever feeling like this.

X Smurph.

PS - Go buy my ebook :)
Buy my MUGCAKEBIBLE and you get NOMS for free - contact me VIA sam@themonkeyonmyshoulder.co.nz if you read the blog and purchased and you'll get NOMS for free!! :)
 
www.themonkeyonmyshoulder.co.nz/products

The sometimes un-power of an indecisive mind..

I probably take the cake for being the most decisive person.. ever. I serisuoly find it SO hard to make a decision. I will go through the MOST IMMENSE series of calculations in my head as to why or why something is a good or bad idea, and generally don't get any of it done. Like, even going to the gym atm is the biggest challenge, I go through a pro's and con's list cos I can't be bothered, and maybe 50% of the time I don't go because I've talked myself out of it because I'm being lazy.. I'm just not enjoying it at the moment!! I know if I sucked it up and actually went, then maybe I'd be okay... it's the same with weights... like, I go through such a complex process in my head that I talk myself out of it and convince myself I'm too cabbage to do it and there's no point so it's already in the 'too hard' basket...

I find it really hard to set goals... I've never been a 'goal' setter, because I get scared of commitment. And sometimes, I set goals for the wrong reasons.
Like competing - I set that goal because I wanted to prove to myself i wasn't sick anymore when really in the back of my head i knew I just wanted to be lean again but have an excuse to get that lean without people thinking I'm sick.
Silly really. But I did it anyway.

So then I'm left here, post comp.. still suffering from post comp blues. My comp was in september.
I've been on and off the wagon since then and now I'm kind of at a stand still.. I'm exhausted, and really don't know what I want to do.
Josh was like to me "Just set a damn goal!"
And ... I can't.. like honestly, I can't think of anything I really WANT to do... is that normal????
I honestly sit here and get so upset because I don't know what I want to do :/
I have no structure with my eating, no nothing... but at the sacrifice of that I have gained less stress over eating foods I 'shouldn't' have been eating, no anxiety around them and are enjoying diff food sources, it's just my portions that are a bit mental lol. I love food and so much of it. I'm not thinking about food as much as I WAS, it's still there in the back of my mind and determines a lot of decisions I make.

We had a ladies night at ISUPPS chch store last night, a seminar where I got to share my story, Claire got to share hers, and Kacey from Louise Glamour shared hers. It was SO SO amazingly nice, and therapeutic for me to speak to a group about it.
It gives me light on the hurdles I HAVE overcome... but it also makes me reflect on those I am still battling with, and I'm still battling with a lot.

I struggle with the way I look - I'm not happy at the moment, and I seem to perceive being thin or lean as a way of success. My ego has convinced me that being lean = people will respect me more and be inspired by me more. My boyfriend will find me more attractive. I will have people looking at me in awe. All these things my EGO THRIVES off and it's driving me UP THE WALL. I hate this, this is not normal - it's not me. But I'm not going to lie to you all, these are the things that go through my head!!!

Control around food is a struggle with me too - I can't stop at one atm. Because I have no GOAL I have no sense of WILLPOWER or eating to my GOALS or trianing to my GOALS. It's all over the show and is feels like I have no control over anything. I haven't been eating BAD food sources, it's just been an overload of chickpeas and seeds.. like 2 cans of chickpeas at a time and a whole bag of seeeds at a time... Ughhhh haha. I love them tho :( Just not the repercussions of gaining weight from it.

AND the fact, my metabolism is having a hard time atm to. I've been feeling extremely lethargic, not sure if this is my anti depressants or not. Ive come of fat burners, and this has affected me heaps. I just want to stay in bed, I dont wanna train, I dont wanna eat clean, I dont wanna do anything because I havent' had my daily pick me up... I didn't realise I was that addicted to them again. Fuck you addictive personality!! Need to find HEALTHY addictions... every addicition I've had has been bad.. over exercising, drugs, food, alocohol - everything really spirals out of control with me some days!!!

BUT. All in all.
One thing is I'm happy. I do feel more in control and more my own person, having said this is why all these things have cropped up for me to deal with.

It gets overwhelming at times...
I've thought about competing again lots, but I really don't know. I don't see it in black or white so I don't think it's the right answer atm. Maybe in time, But I just want to get lean - and I see competing as the only jusitfiable way for my past anorexic mind to be lean.

Then again, and I just holding onto too much of my past? And am I letting Anorexia stop me from being who I want to be?

Fuck I dunno lol.

I dont see things in black and white, it's always grey and foggy for me...

Can get exhausting!

More or less, I am happy though. I trust that this is what I need right now. I am where I'm meant to be.
I am accountable ,I have got myself here, and I can get myself out.
HOW... is another story.


X Love to you all.

Sometimes, it seems like an endless battle.

My attitude with food lately has been really relaxed. Like,really relaxed. I've had no structure.
I just eat whatever, whenever. I thought this whole 'intuitive' eating thing would work, it kinda is, but sometimes, I do feel a little out of control. I've put on around 3-4kg in a week, and I know why. I'm responsible for it, my portions are a bit out of control, no structure, far too many fats and no exercise - it's a give in that being on the pill to I'm going to gain a bit of weight.

I'm trying my best to not let it get to me... but it's so hot in CHCH and I can't wear shorts because nothing fits and I get so damn concious and uncomfortable in them.

So yes. My foods been a lil haywire. Meaning I've gone through 4 tubs of peanut almond butter in a week, I've smashed back two big bags of seeds, a few bags of scroggin and loads of chickpeas... the only greens I'm having is spinach in a smoothie. God... I need to get back on track!

I sometimes feel an immense pressure because I run a page of health and wellness for girls and gaining this weight back on is not making me a 'healthy' picture,.... but I love food so much. Food, is honestly everything to me some days. I wish I wasn't controlled by it so much tho!!! I just want to eat atm, I'm thinking about food writing this eating a few rice cakes with peanut butter and just picking, with no real structure. Salads, nothing seems to appetize to me - it's like I've lost my appetite and cant be fucked eating so I just snack.
Not really healthy.

AND I kinda am real bored with training. I've done 4 sprint sessions this week and thats it, no weights or anything cos I get so freakin frrustrattted with the things.

I feel like I'm using 'being vegan' as an excuse to eat food that doesnt really have any nutritional benefit to me - like a whole bag of seeds and rice cakes and chickpeas... no real greens or anything. I really need to kinda get a plan in place....

BUT on the other hand, it's been nice not STRESSING or feeling deprived. I don't feel deprived, but I feel disgusted because I have gained weight and It feels GROSS. I get so exhausted of this yoyoing shit man!!! Ugh. I cant stop adjusting my clothes because I get so frustrated with how they fit.

I think I'm just having a bad day, 4 days ago I was feeling fine but I've let the diet slip majorly over the past couple of days and have even been snacking on cacao nibs and chocolate buttons throughout the day... eeeekkk. I mean this would be okay if I was training, but I'm not I'm just being so darn lazy!!!
LOL and its so hot today so I'm in a state because I want it to be cold so I can get hot from eating... Aren't hot days supposed to make you wanna go to the beach and be free and be naked? I really wouldn't go near anything like that atm.

ON the other hand, all my focus I put into stressing about a few things I have moved into my work, creating my own business and ebooks. It's been real cool ,I've finally found something I LOVE!!!!! I fucking love it man I actual do just love it so much, I love cooking, sampling, photographing - I love everything about it my creative side just buzzes out of control!!!

But yes, you see, I'm all or nothing. I put all my focus into this and now I neglect my health and how I look.
Great lol.

Ah well I'll just have to pesevere and try my best. Will relax for the rest of the day and force myself to run tomorrow, and just chug on and get back on track slowly but surely. :) It's hard man... some days I feel so much pressure running a health and fitness page to look good, that I then go and self sabotage by bingeing and uncontrolably eating.

I spend 80% of my day thinking about food.... I don't know if that's good or not... but I'm trying to turn it into a positive by creating food creatively and sharing my passion with the world in a POSITIVE light instead of dwelling on the negatives.

I have been too embarrsaed to post a pic of myself for my 2 week check in because I've basically feel like I've gone back to the start. No weights and hardly any cardio and 4 tubs of peanut butter has taken it's toll on my legs and tummy esp and it's driving me insane. Time to be honest and just get back on track.


One day at a time, like I said at the start of tihs blog. It honestly feels like it's a never ending battle... when I think I've solved the problem I really haven't.

I'll get there.


Thankyou for all your love and support. XO
Sam