Day 16; 365 days of remembrance

Well, shit. I actually can't believe it's the end of the year lol where the fuck did that go? This time last year I was out in Springfield, in some of the most fucked up times of my life, was in the spa with my partner, Josh, looking into the sky and feeling the energy of the new year. The moon was huge, with the most powerful ring around it.. my spiritual side thrives off these things, and the feeling I got whilst shutting my eyes and having the wind caress my face was a reassuring step that this year I was going to face a lot of triumph and a lot of battle.

The start of the year, was probably the biggest battle for me. The depression I had sunk myself into would suffocate every aspect of my life- behind the smiley, crazy Murphy you saw was a girl who tried to commit suicide twice and who thought there was no point being here anymore.
I'm thankful for each and everyone of my friends and family, especially Josh, who carried me on their shoulders through that period.
Anyone who has been a finger thread close to commiting suicide knows that htis feeling is impossible to describe to anyone. You literally have hit the bottom of bottoms. It's like you see nothing, but this black sheet that is dropping faster and faster to your body and soul.
It's torture. It's death itself coming after you.

I competed this year too.
Something I honestly thought I NEVER could do, and I fucking done it.
I thought food would have too much of a hold of me and I put it in the too hard basket, an anorexic and binge eater could not compete.
But, I fucking did it. I done everything I could. I fucked up, I binged on my diet, I skipped trainings, I did all that useless shit but the main thing stands is that I GOT ON STAGE AND GOT TO SMILE. That's all I ever wanted.

So, my major hurdles and lessons I've learnt this year have brought me to such a high spiritual awakening, I do feel very in 'power'. I have my moments, but I'm just learning the in's and out's of this funny thing called life. Turning 21 this year was a huge creep-out for me. 21. Jesus. Haha. I know all you that are older than me will laugh at that but seriously isin't going up in numbers such a weird concept??

Trained legs today with Josh. This was a challenge, as I always put my guard up and put things in the too hard basket. I'll 'not feel it working' and lose focus and attention. I'll get angry at myself. And I'll think I'm useless and can't do something.
All of these things I want to work on. Time to get uncomfortable and see what I"m capable of instead of 'pretending' to be shit c**t.
Didn't do a lot of cardio today, just went for a walk and a few sprints this morning... Still struggling with moving how I want to with my legs being so much bigger than they used to... I get so frustrated and think whats the point so I'll just start walking.

Today was a good day for me, I had one of those 'fat days' however.
Okay, just need to clear something up too. When I say 'omg I feel fat' I don't mean that I think I'm horribly obese but, it's a biproduct of Anorexia and Body Dismorphia. The way I view myself, is completely different to how you view me. And you'll never be able to comprehend it, unless you spend a day in my mind.
Going from 12%BF to around 24% where I am now, is actually just mind fucking. It makes you feel like you've gained around 20kg, when in reality it's only 5-6 or 8. But it seriously feels like so much more, it feels like it's stuck to your skin, you can't get it off. It's uncomfortbale, and it's not meant to be there. It's come on SO fast that you haven't had time to comprehend or adjust, you can only repulsively look at it in disgust and want to rip your skin off.

That's how I feel.

Yes, I know I should 'love' my body.. I do love my body, for all it gives me. But I STILL face these battles when I get so fixated on parts of my body. I"m a lot better than I used to be, and I'm willing to put up a fight until the day I can be FREE.

I have had some treats tonight too.
I have eaten 100% clean today until just before, when I had a few pieces of licorique and some ferrero rochers... usually I don't even stray towards this stuff but I just ate it mindlessly, and I actually enjoyed it. It was nice to not feel inclined to eat the whole lot, I still am having a wee war in my head about going and eating more and I feel a picking binge coming on, but I'm going to do my best to fight it off and maybe just make a bowl (or two) of cookie dough. It's the end of the year for gods sake lol.

Still struggling with that "I'm not competing now, so I can relax a bit" because I don't really have the most accurate gauge on relaxing... my relaxing used to include me really not giving a fuck and going on an all right binge. "Careless" probably better for it lol and then I'd be left sitting in the gutter feeling like a fat asshole.

Yeaaaah, I'm pretty horrible to myself. I'm my own worst enemy at the best of times.

But something a good friend of mine said to me last night after reading one of my blogs, has really sunk in. Coming from somebody who has suffered with Anorexia for 20 years, I really look up to her as a fighter and a wise woman. She has knowledge I'll never have, and has endured suffering I never want to put myself through again. I love her for what she has taught me with just a few words.

So, for 2014?
I am going to define my OWN healthy.
I'm going to compare myself to ME and only ME, not the old me, but the me I am now and how I can better her.
I'm going to adventure more.
I'm going to be creative with my meals more.
I'm going to compete at some stage, and handle it better.
I'm going to start my own business.
I'm going to smile everyday and appreciate the 'simple' things more.

Yes I have the generic old goals that people set like "Lose 10kg" etc... but, none of those 'generic' goals will happen if I don't keep my core values strong.

I will focus on the basics first, then the rest will fall into place with hard work and commitment.

I wish you all a fab new years, I'm going to celebrate it with my partner, some more food and no anxiety. I've deserved a treat, not a binge. There is no place for it in my life anymore.
I am stronger than I was yesterday.

X Sam.

Here are my highlights from this year;

Day 15; Rack, rack, city bitch.

So, managed to hold off on anymore treats last night! *phew* and woke up this morning feeling a lil better, still prettty watery from the dreaded womanly monthly bullshiteeee but hey, the perks of being a human with boobs hey?

My alarm went of at 6:15... snooze... 6:30, Josh shoves me and said "You were meant to get up 15 mins ago!"
Hahaaa.. somebody's holding me accountable. Thanks babe. So I had a moan and slumped out of bed.
We both just went for a nice walk, its was really nice this morning. Nothing to pick up a sweat just spending some quality time together which was real nice :) Lots of laughs at real random shit too, something I value so much in our relationship!

Breakfast tiiiime at 7-30.. was so hungry! Smashed back all my vitamins and minerals and cooked up my rice cereal and mixed in my Vanilla Chai Fitmiss whey.. it tastes like HEAVEN. Seriously.

Josh didn't need to open store till 10am today so we got to just chill out and take our time this morning! Hanging out with my two twin siblings is hilarious, they are just hitting 3 and doing the funniest shit lol. Charlie always provides good amusement too! (That's my kitten btw)

So after dropping Josh off at work I felt like really breaking a sweet to get these legs jiggling a lil less.. it's really been frustrating me a lot lately. I saw a pic of myself that was taken today and nearly wanted to damn well cry at the sight of how huge my legs looked in comparison to my upper body.. I was like a fucking whale!! UGH!! I don't know why I get so caught up on it, I've always just wanted my super lean running legs back ever since I lost them :(

So, I went to the gym. Got on the tredmill and just slogged out some incline walk, got bored after 15mins and felt 'nothing burning' ... was about to get off then thought.. na, fuck it. I'll actually make some use of my time here. So I pushed through a few sets of sprints and felt very good after... maybe I should do this more often!! Still was doing my head in tho how bloated I am from period... grrrr. I spose it's a good sign tho considering the havoc my hormones have been thru lately w bub etc.

My meals today have been spot on, I made a huge focus on meal timing and cleaning them all up.

Meal 1; 1/2c rice cereal + 30g whey
Meal 2; 1/2c rice cereal + 3 egg whites + LSA
Meal 3; 150g chicken + 1/2c brown rice + capsicum + cucumber
Meal 4; Protein shake w water
Meal 5; 150g chicken + 80g roasted carrot + Salad + Pumpkin seeds w Greek Yoghurt + Sweet Chilli
Meal 6; I'll prob just have 30g Casein or 1 scoop of whey + 1 egg white for a protein mug cake... haven't decided yet xP Or maybe some protein icecream hmmm decisions lol.

I'm still trying to get myself back into the swing of weight training, so I jumped in with Josh to train back tonight, he's really clever and I'm learning lots off him.. as much as my ego hates it and likes to think I know everything! I need to get over myself and just LISTEN and LEARN if I want to get better.

I'm going through a lot spiritually and emotionally with regards to my relationship with food.
I was asked a very touching question last night,
"Will you ever get over your problem with food and your weight"

I didn't have an answer. I asked, why?
"Because It consumes your life"

Well.. yeah, It does. Honestly does. If I don't pay attention to it; I just go off the rails.. I eat mindlessly, gain weight and then am in an even worse place when I started.. I've done the "I can't be fucked caring" part before because I got so exhausted constantly restricting myself.

Whereas now, I don't feel 'restricted'... I still think about FOOD and my WEIGHT alot because 1. I want to make better food choices, and form a healthy relationship with food that doesn't control me in social situations etc. And 2. I'm not happy with my weight, I'll be point blank. It's partially due to the anorexia, but really, who the fuck is happy with there weight? Yes, I have this vision of 'perfection' in my mind... but I know I'm SO close to getting confident in wearing shorts and a bikini at the beach, I'm not quite there yet but I know if I really stick to it and form better habits I'll be on the right track.
I don't expect it to happen overnight.

It does get exhausting, thinking about food 24/7 and thinking about how much I despise how fat my legs and tummy have gotten... but it comes and goes in waves. I'm growing as a person, and I'm learning to deal with these things in a more 'mature' sense... It's not bugging me like it used to, I have always stressed about these things; except I would jump to the extreme end of the scale and just stop eating for weeks on end. Whereas now, I have more knowledge and know what I need to do.. I just need to stop being a lazy c**t and do the work!

Anyways. That's me out.
I'm going to try really hard this week and push myself that little bit further, both mentally and physically.
Time waits for nobody :)

X Sam.

Day 14; Sunday naps and mindless munching

Ok so I've just woken up from a nap. I've struggled with food this afternoon.. I didn't eat anything shit, but once again it was my portion control that got out of hand and the fact I nearly started a binge again... I felt that "wave of no power" coming along and the part where you brain ticks over into the 'eat eat eat' mode.. It started with my blooooddyyy protein cookie dough w cacao nibs again, I had one serving and was like "meeeh, It's sunday and I'm going to try really hard this week so I'll have some extra.. ya know, this is the last time I'll have it till next weekend"
So thheeeere, the all or nothing mentallity crept in. I made a second serving... even bigger tablespoon of honey and even bigger tablespoon of peanut butter. Then I went onto my organic crackers.. 1 with big hunk of honey and almond butter, theeen.. another with another big hunk of everything.

Okay. Stop.
I had to forcefully say out loud.
STOP. Before this gets too bad. I could tell it was going to.
So I went to lay down and had a sleep.
I have woken up, feeling pretty bloated. Not sure if it's in my head, but then again I do think it's from my 'monthly' which I think I have gotten today, does anybody who's had a miscarriage know if you get irregular bleeding for a while after? I'm a bit puzzled because this is defo not my normal cycle.
Any advice would be nice thanks :)

Last night for my treat after my anxiety wore off I had some precooked chicken w teriyaki sauce and mayo and avocado. For sweet treat I went a Lil over board.. I kept going back to make 3 helpings of my FitMiss whey cookie dough. There could b worse things i ate but i still got mad at myself that i couldn't just enjoy one bowl. I'm not even on comp prep god i have no idea why i sabotage myself like this. Blergh. Ya know that fat puffy feeling you get after your mind says "too much" .. Yes i had that.

I went for a wee run/walk this morning after my sleep in.. I fought with my mind a bit to do it, but I thought fuck I don't need to try run a marathon. Just go bound around the streets and go for a walk and get OUTSIDE. So I did that. Didn't push myself. just took my time. I knew if I tried pushing myself I would have gotten frustrated because I had set this standard up sooo high that I should be able to run 5km in under 20 min real fast like I used to.
Errrrm, no. Good luck w that murphy you are 20kg heavier than that old running runt you used to be.

I miss being that fit.. so I'm going to try get back there the 'healthy' way and fuel my body accordingly, and aim for 'fitness' not aesthetics. Aesthetics just fucks my head up and I always stress about how I'm looking..

Been angry at my legs after my run... they are so huge compared to what they were.. it's my one body part I actually just despise so much :( It sucks, I know some people would kill for bigger legs like mine but If I'm going to be honest it really sucks not being able to fit jeans or your old summer shorts and having to wear tights to hide the cellulite you've gained.
I don't know why I care so much but I just do.

My first two meals were real good. oats and protein for breakky and then chicken salad and rice for lunch about 3pm after we did the groceries.

I hate Sundays for some reason.
I seem to get swamped full of anxiety for no particular reason; I have this feeling I should be 'doing something' and I can't find out what it is, so I'm constantly on edge and just cant relax for 10 mins. I'll get in a mad grump and find everything and anything about myself to sabotage.
My partner is amazing, in making me come to grips with myself and recognize the signs and what I need to work on. So I'm thankful for his support and understanding with my fucking crazy brain.

ANYWAY.
I've actually set some goals for myself this week.
1. Bring a bit more structure into my week.
2. Train everyday no matter how little.
3. Set my alarm at 6-15 and GET UP no matter how tired I am, once I get going I'm fine.
4. Enjoy the wedding on the 2nd and have no anxiety around food etc.

I've written myself out a meal plan to follow, so I'm going to go back to prepping my meals again the night before to avoid me over thinking too much.
Fasted cardio walk/sprints; (I'm going to start sprinting, I get bored of running way too fast)
Meal 1 @ 7-30am - 1/2c rice flakes w 30g whey or 3x egg whites
Meal 2 @ 10-30am - 1/2c rice flakes w 3x egg whites + tsp LSA
Meal 3 @ 1-30pm - 150gms chicken, 1/2c rice, veges or salad
Meal 4 @ 4-30pm - 150gms beef schnitzel, tomatoes, cucumber & 10 almonds or seed mix.
Meal 5 POST W/O - 30g Whey Isolate w water
Meal 6 @ 8-30pm - 150gms white fish + salad OR 150g chicken + salad OR 6x egg white omelette (depends what I can be assed cooking when home?)

I'm going to ease myself back into what I was eating before I got pregnant, and just slowly change things round. For now this is what I'm eating and I just need to work on the TIMING and being more proactive with timing of my meals instead of being unprepared.

Lets see how I go with this :) I season all my meals really nicely w garlic, organic herb seasoning, himylayan salt, curry powder, rosemary, oregano etc etc and cook w coconut oil. Try to stay organic where possible, my body feels a lot better for it!

Wish me luck :-)
XO
Sam

Day 13; The peanut butter keeps staring at me!!

I'm writing this now because I have this horrible wave of anxiety.
I've just gotten home from work, and was hungry so I made a bowl of salad.. Then I was still nibblish so I made a large wholegrain seed cracker w organic nut butter and honey. Thheeennn another one.. I don't know why I feel bad about eating in.. I feel a bit gross because I haven't done any exercise today either so I don't feel I deserved them maybe?
Its Saturday night which means its usually treat night for me... Used to be cheat but I have resorted to treat. I have this urge to just keep nibbling on food... And I know its cos I'm bored but I cant force myself to think of anything other than food!!! Uggggh this controls me so much. I am planning on having some chicken for tea maybe salad and then make my treat of cookie dough protein because im craving it hard out... In struggling w this 'little bit of this n that' mentality because i am used to eating the same foods day in n day out... I feel like anything diff i put in my body has made me blown out 1 billion kg.. I know this is all in my head... In not stupid, i know its not real but the actual feeling you get... The dark, empty skin ripping feeling where you hate yourself so much...

I'm not going to give in to a binge.
I know I will just feel shit.
Im going to do my best and just enjoy the foods I have planned.
I may feel like shit after and feel yucck tomorrow for not exercising or doing cardio in 2 days but I'm not willing to give in to this pain... I don't want to be held prisoner of how i look and the obsession to be thin. I will break out of this.

One day at a time...

Meals so far today;
Meal 1: 1/2c rice flakes and 3 egg whites
Meal 2: 1/2c rice flakes and 30g whey w LSA and nut butter and blueberries (kinda turned into rice pudding)
Meal 3: 1/2c brown rice, 150g chicken, lettuce
Meal 4: slaw mix, 1/4c black beans, 1/4c peanuts, Greek yoghurt n low cal sweet chilli
Then 2x seed cakes w tbsp almond butter and tsp honey and cacao nibs

That's where I am so far... Wish me luck.
I feel a bit better writing out what I ate... But still mind blows me how something " off the plan " fucks me up so bad and makes me feel like I have failed.

I know I haven't and i know I'm just being a dick... But the mental reality you create for yourself can be the most demonic and self sabotaging thing out.

May I pray to the gods of will power and strength!!

X sam

Day 12; Jiggly puff wants boulder shoulders

Today started off good! Went for a spray tan, got my lashes done and eyebrows done by the amazing Kacey from Louise Glamour! She's honestly so lovely and crack up- not to mention a true professional, wouldn't go anywhere else! If your after any of your beauty needs eg tan, facial etc etc in chch go see her!
https://www.facebook.com/LouiseGlamour
I swear having a tan makes life that much better lol.

Didn't get up to to my cardio this morning :( Woke up at 630 and felt like I had been hit by a bus! Maybe it's just my head being stupid or maybe I need earlier nights... anywho I got up to eat breakfast and felt a lil guilty for not doing cardio when I commited 'last night' to do doing so... need to start following through! It's hard to not put too much pressure of myself.

I had a few vouchers from my birthday and Xmas so I used these to buy some new hair products to keep my new blonde doooo in good shape and also some new compression tights and a few t-shirts! I love clothhhheesss haha! I literally threw out 5 bags of clothes the other day.. someone less fortunate than me is gonna be happy lappy haha!

Food today was good.. But physically, I felt like a whale.. because I didn't go for a run or anything my legs felt wayyyy jigglier and fatter than usual.. it was gross :( I hate this feeling!
Meal 1; 1/2c steel cut oats; 30g whey
Meal 2; 150gms chicken; 1/2c buckwheat, lettuce, walnuts
Meal 3; 1 organic seed cracker; 1tbsp sunflower/pumpkin seed/almond butter, 1/3c buckwheat
Meal 4; Protein shake
Meal 5; 150gms chicken, Green salad w Crushed nuts + apple cider vinegar
Meal 6; 30g whey, 2tbsp coconut flour, 1tsp nut butter, 1 tsp honey, handful of cacao chips
... Meal 7... was a second serving of Meal 6.. woops :/ This has left me feeling a bit shit... I got into an emotional spin and got so angry I went and made it and ate it crying. FML. I spose it could have been worse...

Because I felt like SUCH a fuggen whale I really couldn't be fucked training. I was NOT in the mood, I felt disgusting. What's the point.
I tried a few leg exercise to let out my fury on my legs, but the more I saw my reflection in the mirror... the more I hated myself. I felt like just sitting down and crying.
My partner must have sensed a plea of help, I'm so reluctant to EVER ask for help - I think I have all the answers lol. He suggested I train shoulders, so I followed his orders and he pushed me through a shoulder workout.. probably the hardest I've been pushed in a while and I thank him for that!! It was great, I'm going to get him to push me like this more often until I have found confidence again to train myself. His encouragement and motivation yelling in my face really helped too haha. Beast mode murphy... Slowly getting there. I don't know why, I get embarrased because I think he thinks I'm stupid for not knowing how to train properly lol. Weird girl mentality I think.

So, leaving the gym I felt that release of endorphins and forgot about my legs for a bit!! Yay!!
I KNOW its going to take time for them to come down... it's just so freaking frustrating not being where you want to be... I seem to think It is given easily without realising the hard work I need to put in.. partially my lazy side that comes out here! Shortcutting everything!

Everything was good until I had a fight with mum, then I went and made a second helping of that cookie dough I make. FUCK. I feel yuck and bloated now... maybe it's all in my head? I don't know.. I'm trying to brush it off, but it is the second time I've gone back for seconds of it.. Maybe I should just leave it to a weekend treat to elimiate the factor of having it after tea every night??

Feeling pretty fluffy and gross atm :/ But I always feel like this at night after all my food... for some reason it feels like all the food I've eaten has just stuck to my body. It's so gross... It is heightened the more I pay attention to it and the more I ahte it, I know. It becomes more my reality. And when Im distracted. I forget.

But I can't go my whole life being 'distracted' ... I need to face the problem once and for all.

Once again, it's that balance thing. I'm still finding it hard to give myself some slack, because I really want to lose weight.. but I really want to enjoy things too.. ugh haha. Can't have your cake and eat it, I've thought about doing IIFYM but I don't want to be obsessed with counting my macros.. I think that would fuel my Anorexia if anything. So I'm working and chipping away at listening to my body and finding out what the flop it's tryyyying to tell me!!
It's been good tho - I've been 12 whole days without binge mentality. I've felt it come along, but I've stopped it at my second helping. Even tho I feel gross and unhappy about my weight at some points in my day, I havent' let it turn into an all down right binge. So I'm quite proud of that!

Baby steps to happiness, right? I don't expect to just wake up and completely love myself over night... I know this 'thing' is going to take some time.

Thanks for being with me so far x

Day 11; Jump aboard the crazy thought train!

Well, last night I was so close to making another bowl of my freaking cookie dough!!! Jesus... I stopped myself tho and forcefully said "You'll feel like shit" because I was bloated enough as it was already! I hadn't even eaten that much yesterday, I think it was the fact I hadn't had a lot of water- but the fact was I felt like 4kg heavier than normal and it was YUCK!!! Grrr I hate that feeling.

This morning I had 'planned' the night before to wake up early and do some fasted cardio, didn't happen.. I was sooo tired!! I slept till about 9am then went to the gym; I attempted like 5 mins of cardio and my body was just like 'nooopppeee' ..  Attempted some walking lunges and literally felt like fainting.. I think it was because I was so dehydrated from yesterday and this morning. Nothing felt good it just felt stupidly exhausting; more than normal. So I just left after about 30 mins. Haha, successful... but I told myself "Hey, I showed up and I tired; Today just wasn't my day"
I had a moment of jealousy too at the gym... there was a chick on the tredmill, and she reminded me of when I was in my fit 'prime'.. I honestly admired everything about her physique.. yet it got me so mad at myself for where I was and I felt so inferior... I felt like hitting something, it makes me reflect on all the things I could have done differently to be there now; but ya know.. If I really sit down and be honest to myself and pull it into it's simplest form; it's a matter of accepting where I am now and just doing the best I can.


I have this inner war with myself as to wether I'm being too kind on myself and if I should push myself further, or if I'm being to hard on myself and should cut some slack.. I really find it hard to know which option to choose in these kind of situations; kind of like after I eat something shit; Do I push myself harder and work it off or just let it go? I know most of you will just tell me to 'be kind to myself' but is that shouldn't mean I justify that what I did was right? If that makes sense... like how much is too much ahhaha. I am really an all or nothing person... but I'm slowly, sloooowly, adapting to change and I want to be able to know the 'little bit here, little bit there, moderation' type of mindset... instead of either 1. Not eating or 2. Gorging till no return.

So I made sure my meals were pretty spot on today considering I didn't exactly have a proper train today...
Meal 1; 1/2c oats w 3x egg whites
Meal 2; 1/2c riceflakes w 1scoop whey
Meal 3; 150gms chicken w 1/2c brown rice, salad + mixed nuts, greek yoghurt n low cal sweet chilli.
Meal 4; 30g Vanilla whey, 2 tbsp coconut flour, 1/2 mashed banana, 1tsp LSA, tbsp Almond Butter, 2tbsp Greek Yoghurt
Meal 5; 150gm Chicken w Salad, Roasted carrots.

Drank about 1.5L of water today.. stiiiil not really enough so I'm going to try for 2.5 tomorrow!

Just been sitting down with my partner Josh having a discussion about how my relationship with food is going atm, and I actually find it so hard to differentiate 'comp prep' with 'real eating'.. like, am I being too easy on myself? Am I allowed this? I could be eating cleaner, right? I want to lose weight, so I'm going to have to eat like comp prep right?
It's honestly such a mind game.. every single thing that goes in my mouth I must ask myself "will this serve me and my goals" ?
If it's not serving you,then why are you doing it.
He made some good points to me; I find it fascinating as to how the male brain works; not worrying about every single thing they put into their mouths and still staying so lean.. forgetting to eat meals etc.. I WISH I WAS LIKE THAT!! Seriously, If I could forget to eat one day I'd probably be so happy because I hadn't stressed about FOOD all day haha. Food is my priority and it always has been.. so I figure, that's the way I'm wired... so I must try wire it in the most positive way possible and use it to my ADVANTAGE and get all the nutrients I need, because I know I'll never forget them.

I want to compete again next year.. I'm unsure on dates. But for now I just want to slowly cut down and tighten up, and along the way LEARN how to be happy with myself. It's so hard... honestly sometimes I catch a glance of myself in the gym mirrors and just hate myself. I feel like crying... What's the point in even being here? I'm so out of shape.. and I'll focus on how 'backwards' I've gotten instead of foccussing on the 'forwards part'...

Anyways thats probably enough mental mind rambling for one night haha!
I hope you all had a lovely Boxing day, and if you went to sales I hope you punched some peps in the face lol!!

Tomorrow's a new day so I'll try again tomorrow :-)

Sam xo

Day 10; Reindeer poos and cookie dough issues

Well.. Firstly Merry Xmas! To be honest I'm an xmas Grinch.. The only real memories of Christmas I have is of me walking off in a tear storm because of a family fight or something, or i would get anxiety around so much food.. I dunno.. Im not very 'family orientated' and i do get quite selfish, just a product of how isolated i was when I was sick.

Yup ill admit it but fuuuuck split families are hard esp when it catches up on you, like it has now.

I didn't buy anyone presents; for one i am broke and two i kinda forgot intentionally. Some of you may be sitting here in disgust at what I'm saying, saying i should be spending time w my FAM etc etc... Couldn't really give a shit, its your opinion. Today i spent the day w myself and my cat and Josh, mum came along too. And that's all i need.

We just went for a drive to corsair bay for a swim and to relax, and i got waaay out of my comfort zone and wore togs and shorts. Initially i was self conscious about how my legs looked... Def not up to my usual standard... But after a swim i forgot about it and started being happy because the swimming made my legs jiggle less. God i dunno my head spins some real weird shit.

Coming home, i hadn't eaten much but fruit and a few nuts... I had been given chocs etc from mum and the thought of hoeing into rice cakes came to mind... But some weird force inside compelled me to make a stirfry instead because ill feel better. I used chicken, fresh vegges, carb free noodles, almond butter, soya sauce and garlic. I chucked in a heap of cashews too... I wasn't sure if i should feel bad about eating them or if i was trying to justify it as ' its OK, its Christmas ' ... Finished my stirfry but was left feeling a Lil hungry.. Or maybe i was just bored?? Hmm i have this battle .. A lot.

Thought about the chocs again instead i made a bowl of cookie dough using 1 scoop vanilla chain whey, 2tbsp coconut flour, almond butter, honey and some dark choc chips... Maaaannn it tasted so good,  so I've just smashed another bowl....
Careful Sam that this doesn't turn into an allright binge.. Hence I'm writing this now to review my day and leave it at peace.

This horrible wave of guilt came over eating that second bowl, but its done now and could have been MUCH MUCH worse... Eg REAL cookie dough lol. I wanna go a whole month with no processed foods for treats and see the mental and physical changes I can make... So I'm on a quest to find satisfaction out of healthier versions of my fave treats..once again tho, i need to work on portions and moderation!!!

Im lying on bed now and i feel a Lil bit bloated which fucks with my head.. But trying to not let it phase me, will b gone in the morning! Once again, trying to maintain that stupid standard i set myself!!!

My meals for todays diary so far;
Meal 1 9am was 1/2c oats + 1 scoop Vanilla Whey
Meal 2 around 12pm was handfull of fruit, some nuts and some Aminos (whilst at beach)
Went for a swim etc then arrived home at around 3pm
Meal 3 around 3pm was 2cups of veges, 1cup carb free noodles, 150gms chicken, 1tbsp peanut/almond butter, handful of cashews + peanuts (raw), garlic and soy sauce.
Meal 4 about 5-30pm was 2 scoops of vanilla Whey, 1 tbsp almond butter, 1 tsp honey, 2 tbsp coconut flour and a handful (or two lol) of dark choc chips
.. Meal 4 #2 was another bowl of this only using 1 scoop of protein tho.

Yeaaaa so that's where I am atm... I haven't drunk a lot of water today (big nono) Hence why I am craving big time!!

Hope you have all had a good day where ever you are!!!

Much love xx Sam

Day 9; Learning, living and getting dem gains

Today I had a nice day :)

I slept in and didn't get to do any fasted cardio like I had planned the night before... I tried my best to just brush it off and went to the gym after dropping Josh off to go and do 20mins mix of incline walk and run.. I still get extremely frustrated when running because i get puffed after 5mins and cant seem to get my tights comfortable.. I have this weird obsession where i need to have my tights in a certain way because it seems to stop the jiggle and makes me run better... I dunno i swear that's just a retarded mental thing.

Got my hair done today too!! My fave Renee had a last min cancelation so i was stoked to get in! Went all blonde for a fresh look :)
It felt nice treating myself to some thing other than food, i bought some new shoes too for my own Xmas pressie!! Finally a proper pair of running shoes lol.

Food was good today :) made a conscious decision to be planneed for once... Its so hard getting back into meal prep I seriously just CBF.. Ill cook Josh's meals just not mine... So i got up early n whipped up chicken, rice and almonds.
Bfast was 1/2c organic rice cereal w 3x egg whites and sugar free choc
Meal 2 was 1/2c oats w 3x egg whites and 1tbsp LSA
Meal 3 was 150g chicken, 1/2c rice and a handful almonds
Meal 4 was protein shake
Meal 5 was 180g chicken, avocado and almond salad.
I will make a clean treat tonight too cos i am still a bit peckish.

I am going to post what i eat to keep track of my eating habits and hold myself accountable. By all means, follow it too but you MUST understand that i do and eat the things i do to serve my body... So what works for me may not work for you. Remember my goals ATM are to drop body fat and regain balance and learn to love myself.

I went and trained this afternoon and helped josh spot, and he helped me w a few things. In extremely reluctant to him helping me because i feel he gets frustrated at me then i get upset and embarrassed. But i want to learn more because i want to get more out of training.. I'm finding it hard to motivate myself to do weights and find myself slowly creeping to the treadmill.
So im going to do my best to put my stupid excuses and attitude behind and learn something for once!

I had a moment in the gym when I wasn't happy and kept focusing on how gross my tummy felt.. I was wearing a tight top and just got stupidly self conscious about my tummy and kept hiding and adjusting it... I KNOW i should be confident in my body... But when your suffering in your head at the time you don't see that.

My coach Janere is amazing... She will say the simplest of things to improve my self talk and i trust her with my heart.

I can't believe its Christmas tomorrow.... My family's a bit split up so we don't make a big deal out of it. I think ill get up and go for a run and eat some oats to be honest! May go to the beach w Josh :)
I don't have anxiety over Christmas food, I've grown stronger in knowing how shitty food makes me feel shit.. And i have been telling myself this every morning and again at night.

Love to you all and have a safe and happy holiday xxx Sam

Day 8; Death by peanut butter

K.. So I'm just sitting here at the gym fucked off.. I think its the fact my partner came late to the gym which means i have to wait because i have finished before we go do groceries.. I don't even know why I'm fucked off i just hate being spun out of my routine and waiting for people. I tried to pass time by doing cardio but i got on the treadmill and reached 13 mins then got off because i wasn't feeling a burn and my legs felt so fat i hate it!!!! Shouldn't that motivate you to keep going??? My mind just wandered off so far i just got off.
I hate this starting off part!!! I look in the mirror and just see fat legs and big bum and no lean just wobble!! It puts me off training because i cant stand facing myself in the mirror... And then when im not in the mirror i cant focus on what in doing!!! Uggghhh

I just hate feeling how fluffy n puffy i am... Im a lot less puffier than i was a week ago but the standard i set for myself just knocks me down.

I know I'm just being a dick too but i cant help how i FEEL ... i think I'm just having one of those days where im finding shit to get pissed off at. I found it so hard focusing in the gym tonight...  I kept looking out to see where the fuck josh was and i wasted about an hour just fucking around!!! Arg this is so frustrating compared to how obsessed and focussed i used to be in the gym.. Now i struggle to even finish my set because i just give up because i 'cant feel it working' or feel to fat. Everyone keeps saying to use that as my motivation but it doesn't motivate me like that!!! Feeling fat usually makes me want to suppress my feelings in food.
When i refer to myself as fat.. I don't mean i think in fat.. Its just this gross feeling where i can feel the extra weight in carrying on body parts I'm not happy about and i seem to focus on nothing but them.

All my food was spot on... Except when i got to about 4pm.. I was home alone and made some protein ice cream w a banana, almond butter, cacao nibs.
I finished it and was not satisfied and was just peckish and bored so i got a spoon and finished the rest of the almond butter and the last scoop of my peanut butter. Fuck!!! I came to and realized i was mindlessly eating.   Lucky i caught it then before it turned into an all right binge!!! I threw the jars out and face palmed myself... I think i was just gutted I'd let myself down and hadn't been 'perfect' today... Then i clicked at how i still subconciously hold into that perfectionism trait. But i felt i delt with it better and didn't let it turn into a full force binge.

So... Dragged myself to the gym and yea thatssss where it kinda went downhill... Its so uncomfortable training when you are 10kg heavier than you used to be :(

Ah well hopefully my partner finishes soon so i can go home to bed and try again tomorrow!

X Sam

Days 6 & 7; 21 protein shots & a side of teppan-yaki

Weekend's are weird for me... usually it's a mixture of heightened anxiety and just the overwhelming feeling that I should be doing something but I don't know what it is, so I stress out over absolutely nothing. I think it's just a weird female mentality.

ALSO, the weekend used to provide overwhelming anxiety revolving around 'food'.
Seeing as I'm so used to dieting ALL week, I get to the weekends hanging out for my cheat meal; leading into an all-right binge.. I struggle to just 'enjoy some of that' or 'enjoy some of this'
There's me, the food, my mouth and that's about all the night involves until I food coma.

SO - this weekend, being it my 21st birthday; I proposed a challenge to myself.
Go out for dinner.
Get through the weekend with no binges.
ENJOY a little bit of this, little bit of that.
Don't stress about your weight.
Enjoy company with Josh & Family.

And ya know what? I can safely say I ticked each one of those boxes.
I made a CONCIOUS effort to think before I ate; and made sure I KNEW that I was eating this to make me feel good, not to make me suppress emotions. I think becoming aware of your emotional eating habits is the first step to making change, and I feel a lot stronger now knowing what my triggers are.

I'm actually a bit of a birthday grinch to be honest.. Fucking hate the things. Mostly because all my birthdays have either given me anxiety, left me in tears etc. Same with Christmas (Anybody with split families knows how messy this can get!) BUT - I thought, fuuuck it. I've had the hardest year of my life and I damn well just want a day to myself to enjoy!

SO.. on arrival to work at the Isupps store, Josh had completely covered the stock in balloons and left me a series of clues hiding around the room... Which I thought I was prettttty good at guessing lol, and in the last one he had written me the most beautiful letter, and also a handmade voucher (which I was impressed because he's not exactly picasso) for a spending spree!!! I have ALWAYS wanted someone to do a treasure hunt for me.. and he bloody did it!! I've never had such a stupid smile on my face the whole time!! The letter made me cry too.. I honestly wouldn't be where I am today without my man, and I owe a lot to him; He's seen me at my worst, and he still sticks by my side and see's me as the strongest woman he knows- and for that I'm very blessed.

Then I had bloody flowers delivered; two lots! One from Josh, and one from my beautiful best friends and bosses; Tiare and James. I take a lot for granted.. and I struggle to ask for things, or receive gifts.. but I've never felt so loved in my life and I'm so thankful for having these beautiful people who love and support me no matter what!! I would give these guys the skin off my back!

Seeing as I'm a health and fitness fanatic, I came home to a homemade cake.. a cake made out of a whole watermelon!! Hahaha.. All Josh's idea too he claimed, I was so impressed! Mum had decorated it with lots of berries and yummy things! I smiled ear to ear, knowing the support I had around me on the lifestyle I have chosen is so strong!! Some family members came over, and brought around plates of sweet treats. This is an obstacle for me; saying no and walking away. I gave in, but I made sure I just enjoyed it and didn't feel guilty; and only stuck to one of each treat. Heck, it's my birthday - I'm going to enjoy it! But I'm not going to make myself feel sick :)

Me and Josh went out for Teppan-Yaki; going out for dinners been a biiiig hurdle of mine recently because I'm very selfish when it comes to food; I like to sit at home and binge and have all the power with food I can; until it takes over me.
But - I faced a hurdle, went out for dinner, ENJOYED every bite... and reminded myself how lucky I am to have such great company and such a beautiful man at my side. I felt really strong after tea, not physically but mentally, as I had just faced one of my biggest demons and overcome it this time!

Coming home, I was a bit ravenous... I could have reached for the rice cakes and just over-done EVERYTHING, instead I had a few sweet treats that were left; and just made a conscious effort to tell myself I wasn't going to feel bad about it in the morning.

AAAAAAAND, I woke up - HUNGRY!! Usually on a Saturday night I couldn't face food on a Sunday because of the sheer amount I'd eaten that night before... but this night was different. I hadn't deprived myself, and I hadn't binged... maybe I'm onto something here!!! I felt really weird.. as if, I'd done something and missed out on something? But I just kept going and brushed it off today.
The day after a treat day or night is always hard.... I have to consciously remember not to keep snacking and to cook clean meals, I always seem to crave fats on a Sunday (peanutterrrbutterrr) ... So I just made a small dessert using my protein powder and almond butter and I feel good about that.

I didn't train over the weekend; I was going to get up early Sat morning and go for a run but we slept through our alarm; I thought my anxiety would have peaked because I hadn't trained and was going to be having treat night... but I just brushed it off as best I could, and got through my day eating clean.

Boredom is a biggie for me.. seriously, when I'm bored I could just eat and eat and eat and eat.. I try justify it as a 'fun' thing to do. So I've been trying really hard to keep myself busy!!

I had such a lovely weekend, and I can honestly admit it. Instead of saying 'it was OK' and lying, I'm going to say I was actually really happy!
1 whole week with NO bad food, no deprivation and no crazy diets and no binges! Happy lady.

BABY STEPS at a time.. I know I will face hurdles, but I know I'm in a better space to try and deal with them now as they come!

Thankyou all, I hope you had a good weekend too! :)

Sam xx