Stupid Anxiety!

Sometimes I feel like I'm super crazy :/ I am such an indecisive person... I can't even decide if I want to hang out with Josh and Me or Josh, Me and his friends because I care about him so much and want him to be happy! So I want him to bring his mates around and I'll look after them too and cook them dinner and shit, I like doing that kind of stuff... and I know he gets so pissed off at me because I can't make my stupid mind up :( I just don't know, I'm scared of being by myself in my own company, yet I don't want to hang out with anyone other than Josh because he's the only person I can forget about binges and food around. But I also don't want him burdened by me...

So I decide last night that I want to just hang out with him, then just before I go and text him and say if he wants he can bring his friends over and I'll cook them nacho's or something, but then yeah I got a major anxiety attack because I feel like he's pissed cos I can't make up my stupid mind :( I just care for people way to much and want everyone to be happy, and hate people being pissed off at me!
 God I feel like crying lol.
My throat has that horrible anxious feeling.

I just had to vent all that off, it was driving me insane... I still feel a bit anxious but feel better after writing that.

Fuck I feel so crazy :/


My foods been all over the place... I have been eating here and there, It's okay. I'm not stressing. I'm kinda just going with the flow. If I'm hungry, I'll eat. If I'm not, I'll TRY my best not to eat out of habit... It's pretty hard. I've been clocking up some KM's on runs which feels really good! So I'm kinda just trying to keep balance here and there and not stress too much about meals etc. Sometimes I need the mental break. Back into it on Monday tho, I go real hard mon, tues, wed then by thurs I kinda just get lazy and taper off.... Hrrmmmm.. All good tho, I have eaten a lot of carbs lately tho, but I'm okay with it because I've had heaps of energy for my training which I've been enjoying for the first time in.. forever lol!

Anyway.. Hopefully this anxiety passes and I stop being such a fuckwit.

Sam. x

Day(s) 45 & 46; Some days are a little harder than others!

I'm a bit off today, super exhausted and can't seem to stomach my meals, each time I try eat my chicken and rice I feel like vomiting.. the only thing I've been able to keep down today is some sour cream and chives rice cakes with nutella on top.. wtf lol. I am so repulsed by meals I don't feel like eating them...this is horrible! I just want to get my gains lol and stay on track, except I'm lying at home feeling like ass and just soooo exhausted and just craving rice cakes and peanut butter :(

Fucks sake. Just let it go murphy lol.

Somedays I get so exhausted worrying about how I look, well, it's not that I worry, it's more that it's not exactly the nicest feeling when you wake up feeling not-so-positive about your body. I've been better than usual lately! Todays just an off day I think. I haven't trained, haven't eaten my meals, have had a fuckload of nutella and now I want rice cakes and peanut butter. I'm going to have some, and I'm not going to feel guilty. I'm going to get up tomorrow with vegenance and go for a run and make do to have a better day tomorrow.

It's kinda nice just lying around doing nothing, but it is also immensly frustrating when all I wanted to do today was eat my meals as usual and go for a run! I wonder whats wrong. I should prob ring the doc..

But yeah, I've been trying so hard lately. Just to let it go. If somethings not serving me the way I want it to, why should I try push shit up hill? I know if I wanted to compete again, I'd do really well if I sacrificed everything and my mental sanity. But I don't think I'm ready to do that yet. But I still have this burning desire to be lean again and be confident in wearing short shorts or even simple shit like a dress or a bikini on the beach. I wouldn't dare bare my legs atm in public because it feels so fucking uncomfortable... I just want my lean runners legs back :( So I'm going to ease into my running.. the healthy way, and keep eating NORMALLY. Instead of doing my stupid restricting stint.

Me... my goals... and then theres food lol. FUCKING FOOD.

I wish I was a boy that doesnt worry about what they ate and just ate because they are hungry! Not beicause they are angry at themselves and being an emotional fuckwit!!!!!

I'm getting there tho, each day I'm a lil stronger and managing a lot better than I was! I can actually eat things now and not feel the immense guilt i used to feel. I still have a wee inner war saying "You shouldn't eat that Sam" ... "Na fuck you I'm gonna eat it" then I eat it, then I'm dissapointed in myself for giving in.

But yeah, I swear 70% of my daily thoughts revolve around food... and that's pretty bad to be honest. I have a lot of other shit that could be more worth my thoughts than, food. But it's the way I'm wired.. and I'm trying my hardest to rewire it. I just love food. It's like my best friend some days :(

Muh.


Sam. x

Days 43 & 44; I ate more carbs than usual...and I'm okay with that.

So I've kinda reached a bit of an epiphany.
I've just eaten about 4 rice cakes apon arrival home and about 1 cup of basmati rice. I was soooooo hungry.. today I dunno why, freakin hell. I'm honestly hungry and tired ALL DAY and Im' already eating so much I don't know how I can increase my cals!! Arg it's fucking driving me nuts lol, Hrmmmm. I think its the hormonal pill I'm on :/ Super hungry ever since I've started again and real bloated. I'm doing my best not to think about it tho!!

So yeah, I've eaten all these carbs. And I'm okay with that! I haven't been perfect today, and I'm okay with that! I'm going to utilize it as fuel for a run tomorrow morning. I wanna hit 10k!
But yeah, I dunno if I'm trying to justify a binge here.. because I am struggling big time to find an off switch, I kinda feel like just eating and eating and eating but I'm doing my best to try not to think about food. Yes, I feel bigger than normal. Yes I feel bloated. Of course I do, I just hoed on heaps of carbs. But, it's okay. Tomorrow's a new day, it might suck for a bit but the reality is I just gotta suck it up. Today was all good, I tried doin a bit of cardio this AM but it didn't really happen! I was just too damn tired. Hence I'm hoping all these extra carbs this PM give me loadsa energy tmrow morning lol!!! But yeah, all in all I'm getting there. I'm not feeling too 'light' today.. bit bloated in the face, and thats al down to the pill I think. But, it's the only contraception I can be 'in charge' of, I've heard horror stories of the injection and implant, and I'm too poor, WAAAY too poor to get a minera. And you get painful periods lol so I cant fucking win can I. FUCK BEING A WOMAANNNN SOMETIMES SERIOUSLY! Dude it drives me nuts.

But I've been thinking heaps lately of things I'm grateful for.
1. Josh. This man is my life, my rock. Everytime I look at him I get butterflies in my stomach and fall more in love w him, he provides me with love and support that I've never had, and its so alien to me but SO familiar, it's like we have known each other for a very long time! We've had some fucked up experiences w dope and literally I swear we went to some other dimension with each other, it's so weird to trip w someone else and we were looking back on our old selves laughing at how stupid we were. Haha. So fucked up. But yeah, swear I've seen his soul in it's bare beauty and I still love his guts!

2. The fact I can eat normal meals without feeling like it's going to make me fat.
That used to be my life. Anything and everything was about restricting, now I can look FORWARD to my meals, seriously I look at the clock counting down my next meal lol my whole day revolves around next time to eat... that can be good and bad I spose but the moral of the story is that I DONT feel bad for fueling my body.

3. I have my indepenence back. I'm no longer watched like a hawk at meals, I can do whatever the fuck I want and I freakin love that hahaha.

So yeah.. I dunno, I feel like I'm learning heaps atm and it's really cool, trying to challange your mind in all sorts of ways! I'm going to give a run tomorrow morning my best shot, as todays been a bit of a 'rest day' doing not much and napping lol!!
I have moments in the day when I think, Oh shit, I haven't been very good voer the past few days maybe I need to tighten my diet up? Then I get all confused because I'm not cmpeting but I want to look like I am, like, I wanna walk round with a six pack! I love that shit man! But i spose you can't have your cake and eat it lol.


Hope ya'll have had a good day

XO Sam

Day(s) 41 & 42; Now I know why I don't eat KFC lol

Weekends been prettttty good! I was actually really excited about a cheat meal last night, it's been over 40 days since I've had a good one so I thought, "FUCK IT" .. I'm gonna at least do my best to enjjoyyyy it.

I find it hard to find the "stop guage". As soon as I got home from work I started eating and I didn't really stop till bout 9 or 10 at night lol. I was just happily picking away and trying to remind myself to not feel guilty, it was pretty hard. I had this continous inner conflict "Okay, maybe I should stop now" ... "Okay nah, just a few more then I'll stop" lol... god.

I ended up downing a whole pack of rice cakes, 1/2 a tub of almond/cashew butter and half a tub of honey, then we went to get KFC so I just got some popcorn chicken and a large fries. Then I had a sweet spot so protein cookie dough it was! Lol. AAAAAhhhhhh yeah safe to say I had the mad food baby! Funnily enough tho I woke up this morn and wasn't bloated! Yus. So I had my breakfast and me and Josh went to the gym, and I ran 8k for the first time in around 4yrs in UNDER 40m! YUS!!!!
Feels good man. We then went to do ze shopping and have come home and I've cooked up some food for both of us, I love sundays now because it involves just chillin wth Josh and Charlie, no anxiety because there's no real fam issues in the house anymore because it's just Me, Charlie, Josh and Steve, so it's pretty cool.

Had a reaaaaal awesome time with Claire on Sat at the store :) She comies in and keeps me company so it's really nice, I can get anxiety about stupid things (mainly food) but it's cool to have someone to converse with and learn stuff with! Claire is wired SO diff from me, but we are on the same path of 'health and fitness' or whatever you call this ish lol! She's been brought up with strong Tongan values, a strong hearty home and lots of soul - whereas I've been all over the place catching flies, a split family, anxiety, depression, anorexia, you name it... but one thing remains true is that we are still both learning. I like picking her brain, and she likes picking mine. It's cool, because it's REAL! This is what we are about. Breaking the norm. Pushing shit uphill sometimes. Going against the grain! Fuck society man serioulssyyyy the SHIT thats in the fitness industry, people don't even know they are being cunts a lot of the time and I just facepalm myself lol.

If I can help one girl, that's all I want. If I can help somebody REALISE that they can do this, on their own without paying fucking a million dollars to some shit PT that isint even in shape themselves, then yeah. THATS WHAT ILL FUCKING DO! haha sorry for all da swearing today.
One of the beautiful girls that I talk to on a daily basis wrote this to me today, and it made me fucking tear up aye!

"Something goes through my mind everyday it's what's been helping me get up in the morning. To be the best you can be you have to share a similar lifestyle and mindset to someone who inspires you , think like she thinks, train how she trains and be as disciplined as she is. Do I want to be you?? No!! I want to lead my own journey and leave my own legacy. I am thankful there are people out there like you babe setting the benchmark, being examples we challenge ourselves to aspire too. If only you knew babe the effect you have on me, the inspiration you have provided me, the motivation you have showed to get me through and because of your actions babe the hours I spend dreaming, aspiring and planning my own way to victory is because of you x"

THIS IS THE REAL SHIT. This is the shish I lurve.
I wrote this up on the fitmiss page yesterday, and it kinda just sums up everything that I'm about:

No, I'm not a scientific nutrition genius, I'm not bikini pro, I'm not a world re-known fitness model, I'm not a personal trainer.

I just practise. I practise everyday, things that make ME feel good - sometimes, my practising goes a bit messy and I do things deliberately that DONT make me feel good. But it's okay.

I just do my best to fight my demons, I do my best to get by each day - not proving to be anything else but myself. I don't have a desire for the flashy lights of the stage, the glory, the success of a medal; I have a desire to be pure and strong, to be humble in my own heart and EXPRESS the struggles and rises through my body, my actions, my words.

If I really wanted to be any of those, I would be. But I don't.
I'm just me.

Yes I've competed, Yes I want to compete again; But I don't know when, because I know the time will call and sing it's name true to me.

I form my own opinion, I've judged others by the way they look, I've backstabbed and had my fair share of shit. I've been a compulsive liar, I've been Anorexic, I've been fired, I've been bullied, I've been homeless, I've miscarried, I've been broke and I've tried committing suicide.
But that's what makes me, Me. And, I'm proud of all that shiz. I'll say it. You can point the finger and think "Oh god, she's just saying all of this crap for attention and is probably self concious and think people hate her or judge her"
That's not what I'm getting at. I'm saying, stop hiding your demons. I will proudly say mine out loud, because it makes me let it go. It helps me heal, aside from all this facebook bullshiz. Be proud of what they have made you become, because it's THAT, THAT makes us, US. Perfectly imperfect.

But I've also loved, I've also gone to the ends of the earth for MYSELF and those closest to me, and I'm also willing to understand, and put myself on the line to help others in anyway possible - by just being honest. I couldn't give two shites if you read this and think "PFFT, You're young, You're immature, You've only competed once, You don't know what your talking about, How about you do the REAL HARD yards."
That's not what I'm getting at. I respect those above me, I listen and I learn from those that have more knowledge; this journey is my own and I'll do what I damn well want with it.

I'm just a normal girl, a bit of a loser lol, from a small city, with not much to my name except a big heart and some drawing skills lol. I don't want no pity story, I'm just here doing ma thang and doing my best to spread the love, not only for myself but for you all.

Peace.
Oh and, if you ever start taking things too seriously, just remember that we are talking monkeys on an organic spaceship flying through the universe.

Tankyou and goodbuyyyeee lol.
XX SAM

Day 40; Detoxify and restart

Okay, so yeah. Last night was a fucking flop.
I couldn't stop thinking about food after my silly lil cacao slip up... I honestly was like rummaging around work for the next thing to eat, and got sooo impatient with Josh because I wanted to go home.. to eat. I started putting food at the front of my mind and it drove me literally INSANE.

On arriving home, I proceeded to cook meals and Josh's dinner, which I also used as an excuse to surround myself in food and pick on rice with sauce etc, and hot chips :/ I made josh sushi for tea w hot chips so I made extra just so I could pick on them, my day was fucked anyway. I got in the mindset "Oh well I'll start tomorrow"
Ugh.
FINALLY managed to stop the eating rampage and forced myself to go to bed... god it was hard.
Woke up this morning, and it literally felt like I had dreamt yesterday. It didn't feel like it had happened, almost a daze, except I was left with the fucking horrible evidence of a bloated belly and puffy face and feeling like a sack of shit. Yuck. I went to the toilet like 5 times that morning it was gross! My body isin't used to all that food and it just responded horribly! Yuck.

Got my ass to the gym, and ran 5k. Man it was hard feeling like your 10kg over just from one day of bad food... it really fucks with your mind! I did my best to go the whole day without looking at myself in the mirror because I know that's a negative thought trigger for me, and I made sure I ate clean - I wasn't really hungry apon waking but I had my norm breakfast anyway and 3 glasses of water, then had my packed meals and drank heaps of amino's. I felt better by the avo, went to the gym this evening w Josh and just felt like running again.
I managed to power through 7.5k! Yus I was stoked. I felt amazing! Must remember to do this again.

I have a bit of anxiety about tomorrow.
I'm at work, there's lots of yummy protein bars... and I have a funny feeling it wil be like every other fucking weekend where I binge on some, OR something else. I don't want to wake up and feel like shit on sunday.. So I have anxiety already about what I want to eat tomorrow night. It's so fucked up... all I think about is the 'next meal' or the 'next day'.. I never really stop to appreciate the moment as is. I ask Josh what he wants for dinner at the start of the day, he looks at me like "WTF" lol as if he knows at breakfast time. I dunno, I just like planning ahead a lot.. control freak syndrome!

So yeah, I don't know what I'm going to do. I really hope I'm not home alone, I hope Josh is there.. I don't feel like hanging with anybody but him because he is the only one who can really make me forget about food, or the only person I pay attention too. Everyone else doesn't seem to get my undivided attention and I end up spinning my head off onto food dream land when around friends.... it sucks! I don't know how to stop. I've tried everything under the sun man, just gotta find this inner strength n pull it outta somewhere.

I had a moment today when I thought man, fuck this ,I actually am so sick and tired of falling down and getting back up, It's fucking exhausting. What's the point. Somedays are just so hard!! I mean, the aftermath, the reflection, you ask yourself "WHY OH WHY" and "I KNOW BETTER" but at the time, that food, that binge, it takes over man. You forget all that shit. It's just you, that moment, and you have to have all that food before you can't have it anymore.


ANYWAY.
Rant over
S x

Days 38 & 39; Stupid gherkins and stupid cacao.. wait no, stupid murphy!

I keep blaming it on the food.
It's my fault really.
WHY IS THIS SO FUCKING HARD!!! ARG!!!!!!!! Why can I not find the line between 'balance' and 'moderation'

Yesterday, I had a shyte day. Went to do cardio, massive fail. I just couldnt b fucked.
Had a craving for gherkins in the arvo (wtf???) and ate a whole jar, I felt sooo ill and had to train that evening, got to the gym and just wanted to go home. I had this inner war between trying to stay on a machine and wanting to go sit in the car, I must have looked like a dick! I felt like a bloated whale from the stupid acidic salty gherkin goodness.

Then we come to today.
HOLY FUCK I'm so fucking hungry! I'm unsure as to wether it's in my head or if it's the contraceptive pill I'm taking.. Arg it's doing my head in! I just feel nauseous after I eat so I can't be fucked eating, but then I'm so hungry!! I can't fucking win!!!

I've had all my meals today already and I'm still fucking starving, I drove down to the organic shop down the road, Josh told me not to cos he knew I'd buy something and binge eat or something like that because I was overthinking it too much. So yeah, I drove down, bought the cacao I needed and spend a solid like 20 mins looking at all the food deciding what to buy. All the yummy organic raw bars etc... I could have eaten the whole shop!! DONT GO FOOD SHOPPING HUNGRY!!!
I walked out w a bag of chocolate coated cacao beans.. told myself I'd eat them, SOME of them this evening as a treat. Instead, what do I do? Open the packet. 1 cacao beann... 2 cacao beann... Mmm these are good... only a few more and I'll shut the packet.. 4 cacao beannn.. *zips up packet and puts on ground of car*

Reach a red light, grab the packet... arrg I can't stop! I've had about 20... :( I don't even feel sick.
I thought about driving to the mall to go on a food crawl and get sushi... NO!!! No because that will make it even worse! It's so fucking tempting... how about a protein bar?? No.. I went to go pull in the supermarket but didn't get out of my car. I must look like a fucing lost tourist driving around not knowing what to do whilst eating at the wheel.

ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS FUCKING FOOD ITS DRIVING ME INSANE.

I've been sooooo good this week, until yesterday I hit a weak spot and then today's just a fucking flop.

I managed to make it back to work and confessed to Josh.
I got the "I told you so!"
I DONT NEED TO HEAR THAT!!! I KNOW SO!! :( It's so confusing, why oh why!! I just want to be able to drive to a shop and be trusted within myself to not buy something and try justify why I should have it when really, I shouldn't have.. maybe that's my problem.. I told myself no, so I went to go break my own rules to feel all baddassss and prove that I can binge without feeling bad.

Yeah nah. Doesn't work like this murphy!!!

So I've eaten my 3rd meal so I'm back into meal mode and I stop picking at shit and leading into a binge.

This is going to be a fucking hard afternoon that's for sure :(


x S

Day 37; Oh god... decisions decisions!

Today's been good, once again, keeping myself as BUSY as possible, without too much stress. It can be hard working for yourself!

Have a few ideas what to do photography wise, thanks to my love Tiare :)

I ran 5km this morn! wooo! felt good man, its such a good feeling when you FEEL YOUR LEGS LEANING OUT! Yeah budday!!

So.. I'm getting fucking stage hungry again, this time however, I wanna knock shit outta deeeee park. It'll be a lil secret.. but I'm looking at either figure or physique next year.. meaning I get to build some muscle and cut down super lean - all with a better attitude, eat to grow and eat to better myself physically and mentally. Yeah I know, it's a lil crazy. A lot of ppl say "Oh you should never compete again" God get fucked lol I'll do what I wanna do, sorry dont wanna sound mean lol buttttt I do THESE things to challange myself. That is what I require, what I desire. I'm hungry for it, and I'm willing to slowly taper down and do the steps necessary, and do it justice this time. No more half assing. I've been honest to myself and something, something is calling my name - I'm listening to inside and I can feel something bubbling so I'm just going w it! Wether it's meant to be or not, I'm not sure. But hussssssssh, I'm gonna keep doing my best everyday atm!

MAN IM HUNGRY TODAY my metabolism is just hungry for foooooooood lol ahhhhhhh hahaha! Oh well must power through, I can feel myself leaning out slowly it's so good! Yay :) Dedicated dedicated  lol I go to think about food, had an inner conflict between a questbar and protein shake this avo but went for PROTEIN SHAKE! Muahahah win.

But yes, won't dwell over things as much and time to let life run it's course I think!

No training tonight I'm so tired! So gonna go home and have a nap lol, cook some meals n get an early night in!

I've gone back on the mini pill so I"m a bit nervous if I'm going to get weight gain, so making sure I keep as level headed as poss!!

Anyway nothing too major to report today... dying for some Almond butter lol :( Wah. Gotta wait till sat tho!

#willpowerrrrrrr

xx S

Day 36; Motivational Mondays

Okay. So, I'm a culprit for writing lists and not getting anything done on it, so today I have made a good effort at writing out jobs to be done, and working on a 30min 10min break basis, it's been a bit leanient but I've actually got much more done that I usually would which is great for me!

Been in at the store today w Josh, I tried to do a wee run this AM but my leggsss a bit sore still.. Arg, I can't stay off it lol I'm just hungry to run. Maybe I should listen to my body and take my own advice instead of just being a dick.. but I just love running now! It feels so good and I can feel myself slimming out more!

Josh has confiscated my nut butters off me lol at my request and I'm not allowed them till Sat, pretty guttered but hey, I'm not ready to control myself with them yet lol! So meals have been spot on today, which is good :) I'm acutally looking forward to getting a wee pump on tonight at the gym... lol this is a first in FOREVER. I'm feeling more confident about my body as I start leaning out... just yeah, It still mind fucks me how much I hate myself when I'm not lean, I don't know if this is a subconcious anorexic thing but it does not feel nice, like it's an immense hate. But I'm slowly feeling better and loving seeing more defintion and just feeling lighter in general!!

I'm actually eating heaps atm, well it feels like it! I'm enjoying my meals and today I haven't stressed about food as much because I've kept myself busy. So, must continue this habit! I had a wee moment of frustration, I'm due for a new Mac because it's going so fucking slow and I want to smash the screen in lol. Ugh. Perks of relying on your computer for work? :/ Muyhhhhhh! Lol.

SO, yeah. I still have wee moments of anxiety and frustration, but not as much. I get in a real stupid head space if Josh says he's going to be 5 mins but he's 30mins, but I've learnt to accept that 5mins = 30mins lol! Makes it easier to cope and stops me getting angry If I have to wait around for him! I spose I just need better things to do lol.

But yeah, I get a lot of people ask, which I find kinda weird, how me and Josh do it.. have a successful relationship etc. I dunno. Lol seriously, we have some weird freakin spiritual connection (Had a few stranged experiences when we've been stoned lol) and are just point blank honest with each other. I feel comfortable talking about my eating problems etc and body image issues and he's willing to give his 2 cents and I am able to listen and accept it unconditionally. Vice versa, I trust this man w my life! It's taken a year to get to this point, lots of downfalls etc but yeah - I don't fight lol. None of my relationships I have faught or yelled, i get poopy but nothing major lol I'm too nice. But yeah, I dunno how to explain it but seriously, if someone is willing to UNDRESS your mind and let you UNDRESS THEIRS... fucking keep them man, that shits rare to find and it's so beautiful once you see each other in your bare minded beauty and all the sins that you both hold, and love each other for it. He's my rock, my soul mate; my "swole"mate hahahahahahah.
Okay enough gushy stuff. But serisouly women, just trust your intuition. AND CHILL THE FUCK OUT. God. We ALL talk to people are lil flirty, it's called kindness, we mistake kindness these days for flirtation! So stop snooping around on his facebook and wondering who the fuck errrbody is and WHO CARES.
Rant over lol.

ANYWAYS.
Yeah, I'm in a much better headspace. Stillllll don't know where I wanna take my training, I have an itch to get on stage but I want it to be for the right reasons. I may knuckle down for a year and use my genetics to their potetional and build some muscle and sculpt my physique a lil diff and jump into figure or physique? :) Hmmm options lol.

But yes, enjoying my food, enjoying balance... I'm slowlyyy ticking the boxes and finding all these weird things about myself, and how I WANT to change them.. finally. I used to "WANT TO CHANGE" but not "DO WHAT MUST BE DONE" and be stuck in that attitude.. soooo fuuuuccck that, time to be a more IMPROVED me :)

Much love and namaste xoxo Sam

Day 35; Embracing that summer sun .. w no anxiety!

Todays been a good day. Finally saw some light, and woke up w no anxiety.
Today I had nowhere to be, nowhere to go, no bloating, no guilt because I hadnt binged.

I woke up n my top felt so loose I could have jumped up in excitement.

So today we woke up, got lots of jobs done n went for a lovely hill walk. I lovvveee spending time w Josh esp when I have no anxiety!! Im such a horrible person to b around with anxiety.. a heavy negative slump. So today, I felt a sense of freedom.

Even had a nice chicken salad at nandos without feeling like a whale.

Done the shopping, lots of laughs n just general positive energy! These are the days I love, it feels like a negative weights been lifted of the house. Im a real spiritual person so I get emotionally affected by others emotions hence my anxiety!

Meals r prepped, ready to tackle my hurdles fr the week. I need to make a list of design jobs and a list of ppl toe email back because I keep forgetting cos I spend 70% of my day thinking about SHIT so time to start working on my "Time management".

But yea.. thats all I can report on today. Ive been good w my eating today too, all on track amd no binges.

Love to ya all xx Sam

Day 34; My new list

So today one again came to a few realisations and ive made a list of shit im going to improve on. My close friend claire made some really touching statements to me today which motivated me to work a lil harder to stop making my life a living hell because the reality of it is, its allll in my head n im the one who puts too much presure on myself. I need to work on 'improving' not on 'changing'.. because change is inevitable.

So heres a few off my list..
- to be honest about my time management and stop saying im going to do something if i KNOW im not gonna do it.. eg learn to say NO or YES
- to answer my phone when it rings (i still get anxiety over this)
- to train for myself, not to improve how i look for others approval

So just working on these few things for now, hopefully the more attention i pay to this the less i worry about food.

Im at home by myself n ive worked myself in a big anxious mess because i dont trust myself home alone to eat.. im scared its gonna turn into a binge. Josh should hopefilly b home soon... its not a nice feeling feeling like you cant trust yourself to not self sabotage. Im unsure wether to have a treat or not.. i even had a voice in my head pipe up telling me to not eat tonight because then i wont feel fat. I quickly smacked that on the head, as tempting as that was!

I go through SUCH a complex thought process... honestly when ppl say.. why dont you just eat when your hungry? Why is it such a big deal? Why dont yoh just havd one bite?

Honestly.. if it was that easy, I would. I only DREAM to b able to do those things as second nature instead of having a pros n cons battle in my head everytime I go to eat. It drives me insane sometimes.

I overthink about overthinking lol is that even possible?

One other thing is that i struggle to take pressure off myself without going allright lazy. Everytime ive taken pressure off myself i just go "fuck the world" and become a lazy sack of poop lol. So I need to maybe understamd that sometimes its ok to just be ok, there we go answering my own questions lol.

A lot of the shit im facing now i have traced back to my childhood... nothing agsinst my parents i had the most beautiful childhood.. but i was spoilt and sheltered and its come back to bite me in the arse.

Anyway.
Have a good night xo
S

Day 33; Goal setting .. errrrrgg I don't even know!

Okay so FOODS been good today,  but when foods not a problem something else seems to be!

Guh.

I really need to pull finger and find some sort of motivation to start pushing my photography, I get a bit lazy and put it into the back of my mind thinking it will just all 'work out' ... errm i'm open to ideas. I let my anxiety get in the way thinking I'm not good enough so I put it in the too hard basket.

Trainings going well, feeling a lil smaller which is always nice.

But yeah, I dunno today, well this arvo I've gotten in this headspace where I am getting angry at myself because I don't have a 'big goal' .. like, my partner has a big goal of wanting to compete at the natural olympia but I just feel like I'm going nowhere.. I can't freaking find a goal to set and stick to it.. sometimes it feels like I'm wasting my time and don't know what I'm doing! UGHHH I hate feeling like this.. but I spose, I don't know my purpose in life yet. I've tried 1000 things under the sun and always quit because it gets boring.. and it frustrates me because I've burnt so many bridges.
Like, I'm 21 and I'm in no way financially set up to flat or live by myself or with Josh.. and it saddens me holding him back and scraping the barrel.. why cant I just sort my shit out? Instead I sit here worrying too much about how I'm not skinny enough or that food controls me, when it's just robbing me of the shit I need to sort out.

Goalls... goals.. why am I so shit at setting them? I seem to have my head up in the clouds

I  dunno. I'll find answers somewhere I spose.

Anyways going to go train tonight, dunno what to train? I might do shoulders or train with Josh.

But yeah.. it's always this up n down battle either 1 day I'm worrying about food and how shit I feel, or another day I'm stressing about stupid life shit and how I can't seem to get my shit together. I hate working for people that are c**nts so Its not really an option looking for more jobs in hospo etc because I literally can't stand it, I'd just get fired like every other time lol.

Blergh. Anyway that's my word vomit for the day I'll leave it there. I feel better just writing that out of my head so now at least I can try get a good train in.

Love loves x S

Day 32; Hayfever and food frustrations

Went to go for a run at gym this morn, couldnt cos now my ankles sore :( ffs i just got back into my running! I only enjoy running cos i can feel it working, ya know, the fat jiggling. X trainer n bike seem to nkt give me that.

Food was good up until lunch when i got the wooorst hayfever .. i couldnt taste my food and just got so mad at the world and drove home in a huff. I deliberatly left meal 4 back at work.. almost as if i was setting myself up for a binge.

Got home... played w charlie and did some housework.. then that lil binge voice chipped up. "You know theres a tub of almond butter in the house, dont you sam"
Yes. Yes i do.
I mindlessly went to grab it n put a spoon in it.. just one bite.
... whole jars gone. I then went to make some protein mousse.. i need to stop this now! I felt so picky n so mad at me for going thru two jars this week... i tried to justify to myself tht almond butter is okay and peanut butter isint. Jesus.

Drove back into work n went to grab a protein bar because i felt like eating.
Josh gave me a look and i quickly piped up "but i havent eaten all afternoon" what a fucking lie! While he went to the toilet i even snuck in a few mouthfuls of his meal 4... im not even hungry im just addicted to eating!

I told josh i lied.. he was really understanding.

While he was in the shower n i was prepping my meaals i ate a bit of his rice leftover and some tortilla chips... arg ok no more picking! I deliberately make ppl food so i can surround myself in it i think.

Anyway rant over

X sam

Day 31; From peanuts to almonds, oh and suns out guns out!

Todays going pretty well! I've had a few wee projects on the go, heaps of emails to reply to and just lil things that have keep me ticking over.

Last night was all a bit messy at home.. I don't really know if I should share my whole home life here, but my step dad and mum have split and mums left with the kids up to picton, so it's kinda messed my head a lil but I'm staying strong. Luckily I have Josh and some really cool close friends. I was just pretty sad last night because I'm sick of all the bullshit that cmes along with split parents, I serisouly vow to be the best mother to my children and not let this bullshit get in the way!

I've made a doc appointment for friday, to try sus a new form of contraception and to get some more anxiety meds. I'm struggling w the thought of going on contraception because I know I gain weight chronically for it.. The IUS isin't really an option because it's too expensive :/ So I'm a lil stuck.. I spose I'll just have to get over it! It really messes w my head I have been busting my ass lately and the last thing I wanna do is put on weight again :( I can't handle it!

I'm really proud of myself tho - It's been a month without any binges. It hasnt been all rosy, I've had a few slip ups but the moral is I've been focsing real hard on getting to the bottom of it all.

I told myself no peanut butter this week. But good old me went and jusitifed almond butter to myself and I put it on my egg whites today and then went back ad got the spoon in it. Luckily I only had one spoon of it but I could have gone and finished the whole tub if I really wanted to lol.

Trying to be a little kinder to myself and I'm trying real hard today to not look at my reflection in the mirror or in windows and dwell too much on it, because I just get really upset when I look at myself!

I did some cardio this morn and then some abs, and also a few squats and I felt good! Then I've been hanging at work with Josh today just doing my own work. Going back to the gym tonight with Josh I'm not to sure what to train?? I think I'll just do a bit of a circuit as I like them, I feel a bit useless doing 'back' etc by myself atm because I keep worrying what people think of me. I can't wait to fucking get past this stupid barrier, I KNOW I'm so stupid I just cant seem to help but stress out about how 'non comp lean' I look atm :/

Eggggrrrggghhh haha.

I'm trying hard tho and thats all that matters!

Here's to a good day,

Sam xxx

Day 30; A whole month of no binges. Wholey moley.

I woke up feeling much better today... A mix of me forgetting my fluoxtine and me having my period really put me in such a shit head space. I feel more balanced, and ready to tackle these challanges. It gets really tiring being so up and down, I'm so so lucky that I have such an amazing partner, Josh, who I can talk to openly with these kind of issues and he listens unconditionally and gives me his honest opinion and advice. I respect that like nothing else, seriously.
With all the bullshit that is going down at home, it's so nice having my man by my side holding the fort together.

I've been pretty up and down lately, I think it's cos I'm coming to grips with a whole lot of crap that I've been doing for YEARS.. and It's time to change.

I get so caught up on my image some days, then other days I couldn't give two tosses!! I think it's just a product of me being bored, when I'm bored, I think way way way too much, and will overthink myself into a shit storm! I need to be more proactive and find things to focus on that make me feel good.
Once again, I know all the asnwers I just need to stop pussy footing around and just DO THEM!!!!!

The support and messages I've been getting from everyone is hoenstly just mind blowing.. I can't believe it. Thankyou all so much for being here!

Todays been good! I am feeling a little leaner, so I'm holding onto that POSITIVE instead of thinking about how far I have to go.

I don't know if I should compete... I'm hungry for the stage again man, real hungry to just make bums fall of seats and blow shit outta the water!! I want to challenge myself again and grow more as a person.. But I dont know if I'm thinking about this too soon and should just give it time? Hrrmmm I'm so bad at making decisions sometime!

One thing I'm really greatful of atm is the knowledge I have with my body. I'm finding what works - finally! I've got my diet in check.. after all these years!! I feel like I actually KNOW instead of just lying to myself or trying to convince myself that I need to starve myself!! FUCK that's taken ages... It feels so good knowing that I need all this food to nourish me and it's not going to make me HUGE! BINGEING all the time will make me huge, but moderation, balance and being happy about your food is where its at. So I'm going with it, hopefully it will rub off onto my body!!

My legs a bit sore still... I am finding it hard not to run :/ I really enjoy running nd it is the only cardio that I dont get bored doing... and yeah, I just cant stop for a few days. I've always been like this.. maybe I should actually take my own advice and stay off it but I freak out thinking I'll get lazy if I don't run! Blergh lol I hated running 3 weeks ago now I love it :/ Can't win can I hahahaha.

Been at work today w my boy, it's fun hanging out with him and helping the girls that come into store with their supps and training advice etc :) So if you're ever in CHCH come into the iSUPPS store at 47 ric road!!

This morn I trained for about 40mins, 20mins cardio and then mucked around with some glutes and abs. I have quite bad period bloating, so I'm just wearing a hoodie today so I don't focus on it too much! It will be gone in a few days!!

I'm hungry all day man! not like starving or deprived, it hink its just cos im thinking about food and im bored so I want to eat.. all about breaking habits tho right? I've eaten all my meals spot on time today so that's good! Feel hungry still, but I know that means my metabolism is working! Slow n steady!

The more I drop a bit of weight the less frustrated I get at the gym about myself... weird how that works. But hey, slow progress IS progress.

One thing I find hard is trying to not rely on pre-workouts and fat burners. From my year of hard drugs and relying on Ecstacy etc to do my training and everyday things, it's really fucked me up still trying to train without a 'high'... I'm getting there tho! Slowly It's hard, hence I'm so up and down and on my fluoxotine.

Anyways!
That's today :)

Goodbyeeee
X sam

Day 29; Ciao Peanut Butter

Im lying here in bed and cant switch my brain off
For some reason i make my life hell. I've felt so high strung lately and i feel like i have a billion things to do so ill cancel on ppl cos of my anxiety... Its so fucked up. I don't even know how to explain the shit that's being going through my head today. Its as simple as this, i want to b lean. I want to basically drive myself into the ground to get lean. Its my all or nothing mentality because its driving me crazy... I want it so bad its just food that's in the way. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.

Should i compete again? I feel like i have no purpose to my training or dieting ATM except to get lean... Wtf why does this shit control my life!!!! I just want to b free ... Free AND lean. Everyone keeps saying just to b happy and being lean isint everything... But to me, a 'recovered' anorexic... It is everything. It sucks... But i want it so bad..i just keep shooting myself in the foot!!!

Arg. I feel so lost... I feel like I'm so up and down.. I'm not sure if its the meds I'm on.. But i feel like in numb to shit or as if there IS ALWAYS a problem... Poor josh i hate holding negative energy.. I just get in this shit habit of making my life a living hell.

Homes real negative ATM... Both my mum n step dad are acting like children through a breakup... I wish they would both stop fucking lying to each other n then bitching to me about it.

On a positive note... I ate well today. Ive cut PB out of my food plan cos i cant control myself lol .

Arg i dunno.. It feels good to write. I know in stressing and getting anxiety over nothin... But it feels like this is all my life involves.
Worrying about how I look.
I know that my friends etc always call me beautiful and my FAM... But sometimes.. Its really really hard to see it yourself. I know there's 'more to life' than this... But i hold onto being THIN so dearly like its my best friend. Like the monkey.

Anyways i am a warrior. In determined as shit to fight for my freedom n break myself free of these chains.

Namaste.

Sam.

Day 28; Tree trunk epidemic.

Having a real hard day today w my legs.
Everyone's asleep at home and I started picking the choc out of the scroggin. I quickly stopped myself n now in writing this.

I'm struggling to accept where my legs are ATM... I hate being bottom heavy. That solid few weeks of binging basically put me back to sq one. Every time i look down at them or c them in the mirror i want to cry or spew.. Anybody else know this feeling???

Positive side .. I swear I saw an ab this morning lol . ill take it.

Haven't really been hungry today.. From treat meal last night I think.

Just been for a run, I was going to take a nap but i thought I'd give myself a wee challenge to run.. I did OK! Is it weird that i prefer the treadmill than outside?

Anyways.. Being about accountability n all I'm going to just track my leg progress.

Seriously all i wanna do is go to the beach, run in shorts, wear a short dress and not feel like a self conscious short whale.

Patience murphy.

X sam

Day 27; Willpower where art thou?

Ok I thought I'd do a quick write up... I just need to vent some thoughts I'm having a real bad time atm!!!
I'm at work alone, and I have made the silly mistake of leaving my organic rice cakes out the back with a tub of peanut butter and a tub of almond butter... and I had 2 instead of having my meal I had prepped (rookie mistake, I know) ... Then I had some more, and told myself okay, "just one more" .... Then it's been 3 more, then I had a Oh Yeah bar. I can feel a binge coming on.
NO
NONONONONONO
I need to write this out now just to get it off my mind.
I AM STRONGER THAN THIS.
I feel so let down of myself because I've nearly finished a whole tub of almond butter in 2 days... Fuck :(
Maybe I need to just go cold turkey for a bit? I dunno I serisouly have no control around it!!!!
I was feeling really motivated this morning and then I got to work and my mind just wandered and I thought it would be fun to have a bit of food!! Arg fuck this emotional eating shit I'm so sick of it!! I WISH just for one day I could be that person who just forgets to eat a meal or just eats when they are hungry instead of thikning about food every second of every day! It's driving me crazy!!!!!

It feels like it's my best friend sometimes :(
I'm going out for tea tonight and going to the movies with Josh so that will be nice, I'll try my best to eat normally and not feel deprived. Ugh.
Today just feels like a flop.
#Justgottakeepchuggin

Josh just came in and I told him what I'd done, and he made me feel so much better.
I felt because I was alone at work I could get away with this, it'd be my dirty little secret. It's like the food was talking to me. I then went and pulled out my meal and just ate the rice out of it because I just wanted a huge carb fix. AAAAAAAAARGGG I started this cycle and felt myself getting pulled under, so hence I'm here fucking babbling on to get it out of my system!!!

Josh said not to beat myself up so much - yes I falied, but I've been working SO hard for 27 days already and I've started losing weight already and I've become a stronger person, and not to let this one set back be a set back, only a come back. So I'm going to relax. Let today unfold, I deserve to feel good and enjoy good food and company today. I am not competing .I'm doing this for me, my mind and my soul. Not an image, not a look, not to 'be skinny' He said he was really proud of me, and I trust his opinion whole heartedly as he's the one person I look up to.

So here's what I've eaten today:
Breakfast was: 1/2c rice cereal w scoop of FitMiss whey
Meal 2: 1/2c brown rice w chicken and salad
Meal 3.... was 2x Wholegrain Rice Rye cakes w Almond butter and honey.. which resulted in me having 4-5 with about 3 tbs of Almond Butter
And then an Oh Yeah! bar
And then a quest bar
:/
and then I started to nibble on my brown rice in my next meal :/
then I got my spoon in the Almond butter
THEN I stopped myself.
Okay. No. NONONO. Don't do this to youreslf.

So yeah, that's where I am now.
The protein bars and the rice cakes are lookin at me but I'm staying as strong as poss.

I've had the most amazing feedback from ladies who have been reaching out to me, just in regards to my sheer honesty... I still can't believe it, I'm so humbled. Thankyou all so much for all your support, and your strength. We are all fighters :)


Much love & Keep fighting x
Sam

Days 25 & 26; Being true to myself and being patient.. harder than it seemed.

Alllrighty, blog time! I got busy last night and couldn't really be assed writing, but none the less I had a good day :) I've been going really well with my food atm - not feeling deprived, and just being patient. The one thing I forget is this process takes TIME.. and gosh darn, you defs learn to be patient through here hahah!!

I put on my fave bright pink tights yesterday afternoon and came into the store to see Josh, we were going to train, he was tired so we didn't end up going.. I was kinda thankful. Secretly in my head I was freaking out because I kept catching a glance in a few mirrors and work and outside at my relfection and it just about made me want to vomit. What the fuck did I wear these out for? My legs looked HUGE and it made me get such bad anxiety! I covered it up and just wanted to go home!!! I posted a pic of me in them on insta and on the FB page and they looked god there (all about angles lol) but as soon as I saw them unconciously I just flipped the lid and wanted to get changed! I felt like a WHALE!!! Arg is anything I'm doing working?!?!? Maybe I need to be even MORE patient, it's only been 25 days. Josh's last meal was this weird oat thing I made him with PB and banana and some white choc chips (He's bulking the lucky shit) .. I had a wee taste... OMG, I wanted to seriously eat the whole damn thing!!!) It was too sweet for him... so part of me wanted to smash back all of it, but I resisted and left it at the few bites I had. I knew having more would make me feel even worse than I already did!!!

This morn I did 5k on the tredmill! It was my goal yesterday but I didn't get to it because I got bored and my leg hurt, once again, excuses, I could have done something like a 5k bike but I just didn't... wasn't really my day lol. So I made up for it this morn by doing a 5k run, the first one I've done in 4 years!! Its so frustrating from going from running 21k with 3m k's to struggling to get through 5, but hey, I did it :) And I felt awesome! Kaboom!

Meals have been spot on today again, I have figured a way to curb my sushi cravings! I made clean sushi rice by adding apple cider vinegar, stevia and salt to my rice and hooollly shit it legit tastes like sushi rice! Winning lol!

It's... ten past 3 atm, this is the hardest day for me with food. I find I get bored so would have pushed meal 4 forward and eaten it already, but I am looking forward to ENJOYING my meal 4, 2 organic seed pumpkin cakes w almond butter and stevia and we will leave it at 2 not TEN!!!! :) I've been good lately w portion control too, I get hungry but I know its just cos I'm bored!!

I've also had a lot of girls reaching out lately, it's so humbling and amazing to know that I'm not alone and that I can and am helping these beautiful women, remember, please please please dont be afraid to talk to me or ask questions! I love helping ya'll :)

So tonight the plan is to gym, I might train shoulders? And some more cardio because its making me feel good, a good stress release just pounding my legs somewhere if that makes sense lol!!

I haven't had any maaaajooorrr cravings as of late, I can feel myself getting stronger and stronger which is cool, just a time thing and learning how to strengthen myself mentally! I know when and if It comes to competiton time again I will be a much stronger person than last prep and will manage it a lot better!

Just thought I'd touch on a topic; the fitness industry in NZ frustrates the shit out of me. It's the tall poppy syndrome.. everywhere, I mean I dont want to discredit everyone but everyone needs to get the flying fuck off their high horses and actually just be honest. The virtual world of facebook has a lot to say about it. Josh made me go a whole day without facebook, fuck it was hard. I challange you all to try it!!!
We are all 'pretending' or 'creating' this life we wish or aspire to live up to, and then when we reflect back on our personal lives its nothing like that, we feel empty and meaningless and a bit pathetic. Well, that used to be me anyways!! It's all about perspective too, and the amount of knowledge we have.

Us girls are all such diff shapes and sizes and make ups. I like to kinda put everyone into 'catergories' .. as in, there's the girls who are tiny and petite and struggle to put on muscle, they are generally the ones that find it easier to compete in Bikini comps hence they have a fast metabolism and a tiny frame.
Then there's ones like me, who are naturally a bit more built. I need to lose muscle to do that, and I hardly even push heavy weights! I pick up a 5kg dumbell and just boommmbbb I'll eat and booommbb muscle and fat just goes everywhere lol! Genetics blergh. Like, It's possible for me to do well in bikini, but as with anything, I'd be pushing shit up hill because my physique is not MADE to do this, it's made to be curvy, I'm made to have a huge ass and big thighs and a smaller waist. I'm just learning to embrace that... sometimes I still find myself holding onto that skinny girl I used to be.
YES, I can be that skinny petite girl, but the extent I had to go to get there is so not worth it.
My message to you all is just be careful who you source your inspiration from. I find the best way to source inspiration, is be drawn to someone who is a reflection of yourself. Someone in your 'catergory' who is successful and motivates you to be the best you, instead of looking at the bikini olympia and just short cutting yourself and shooting yourself in the foot because you'll never look like that, why not look at the likes of DLB who's an absolute fucking machine and the most humble women ever?

I dunno, dude, this is just my opinion. I just get fucked off with all these generic posts on facebook that I see, but hey, if it works for you it works for you - I'm a bit more complicated than the 'just get it done' attitude... and hey, I take my hat off to those who can just 'get it done'.
I face different challanges, and that's just me. And if you do to, then cool, that's you and me together on the same ship lol!


ANYWAY.
Rant over :) My bum hurts I'm sitting on the ground lol.

Love ya'll xoxo Sam

Day 24; Gaining strength.

Well, today I made a few small triumphs I'm pretty proud of.

1. I felt positive about my body more than usual today.

2. I rang and sorted out my phone, got lots of jobs done without anxiety.

3. I laughed lots.

4. I managed to stop myself at 2 of my PB snacks :)

5. I trained all by myself tonight and did more cardio.

It was hard man.
My meals were all spot on! I went to go and eat another PB cracker because I was feeling down about how I was feeling and looking this avo, luckily Josh stopped me and just said NO. I went off for a walk, and the craving passed.

I just trained my booty tonight and felt good. I'm starting to realise I just need to get shit done and stop being a fucking pussy its as simple as that.
As females we seem to make everything so hard on ourselves and I come up w every excuse in the book as to why I'm not good enough or why I cant do it.

Thanks to both Josh and Claire I'm finding inspiration in hard work instead of pussy footing around life.

I'm going to do my best to keep the positive energy flowing.

We are all SO differently wired. But one thing remains, if we stay honest and true we will all end up where we are meant to. Facing the truth can be hard.

Shooorrttt write up tonight... i have loads of topics i could babble on about but ill save that for another day.

Today is good and it shall remain so

Xx Sam

Day 23; Unlocking the parts of my mind I seem to cover in a big blanket.

Well.
Seriously.
Everyday atm I feel like I am just finding something new about myself, something I want to change, because I'm SICK of living day in and day out in anxiety. Sick of finding a problem in fucking well, everything.
Sometimes I feel, I shouldn't have the RIGHT to feel good, lifes not meant to feel that good, because I'm so used and comfortable for it being shitty. When really, it's all about perspective.

My brains so stupid.
I know all the answers to my problems, yet I'll skip and dance around the bloody things and just over think about over thinking until I've thought a cucumber into a watermelon. It's pretty fucking mental... I swear if anyone was in my head for a day they'd leap out in a few mins ahhaah!

I'm feeling a  lil lost atm.. in all aspects of my life. Esp "fitness wise"
I'm still latched on to wanting to be "small" and wanting to be "light and lean" .... Seriously, I'd do anything to get there except maybe diet and exercise bahahaha. Joking. But really. I'm struggling to find my source of motivation!

Josh asked me a few questions today, and its made me reflect A LOT on whats true to my heart and whats just feeding my ego.

I'm not enjoying the gym, to be honest I cant be fucked going. Im not sure If im just being a DICK or if it's really not serving me.
WTF are my goals anyway?

Well to be honest, to put it simply, I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin.
I want to feel comfortable walking around the gym in nike pro shorts.
I want to be able to go for a run in shorts.
I want to be able to wear cute short summer dresses instead of looking like a stump.
I want to wear denim shorts in summer and get tan on my legs lol!
Those simple things that are taken away from me atm because I'm so damn uncomfortable with how I look, I can't fit any of my usual clothes :(
But then again, I'm 21 - not 16. I still hang onto that 16 year old body and think I can achieve it again.

UGH.

I tore a ligament or something around my knee/hamstring on my run yesterday (arrggg) so I couldn't run this morning :( So cardio well, went shit. I thought, I can't run. What's the point.
I did 5 mins on the spin bike, bored.
15 on the x-trainer. Bored.
Did some abs.
Then just left.
Oh well at least I did something I spose!

Diet was going supeeeerb until boredem kicked in.
Josh made a pact w me to not use facebook at all today, I realise I spend way to much time distracting myself from my problems.
So today. all the problems came flooding in and I had to face them. It's been... horrible. Haha. But Necessary.

I didn't know what to do with myself!!! The western world is so fucked, I can't believe how facebook just fucked w my mind!! I was so bored and so lost, I just went to eat straight after meal 3. WTF!! I wasn't due for a meal until like 4pm but I just hoed into my seed crackers w peanut butter... made the mistake of buying a whole jar. Lucky I stopped myself before it got too out of control... Josh asked me "Should you be eating those" .. I just look at him and said "I'm hungry" .. when really no I wasn't, I was just bored!!
Still learning these triggers, but at least I'm learning to stop myself before it goes out of control.

Trained back tonight too, I wasn't really motivated - I felt I had no 'purpose' at the gym. I'm not training for anything.  It seems like a never ending finish line and I just thought what's the fucking point, I don't even enjoy this. But I stuck at it and pushed through a small back workout w Josh. I'm really grateful for him taking time out of his day to put energy into my shit and even when I get frustrated, he's still there. I love that boy like nothing else :)

So yeah.
I've been thinking heaps about what I want to 'train' for.. I feel like I've done everything under the sun, done well at it, but not enjoyed it. Running, Triathlon, Cycling, Tennis, Bodybuilding... Ugh jesus christ lol.
I'm going to stick with the main goal until I find something my heart wants to train for; Getting comfortable. Fitting a pair of summer shorts. Being able to run 10km without stopping. Or something along those lines... I need to actually get to the basics because I have my head waaaaay too high up in the clouds and need to get off my high horse!! Yes I just competed. but that doesn't make me 10 steps ahead or above anybody else, I'm still a girl trying to feel good about herself!
Good old ego issues, eh? I'm grateful I have the awareness to address them.

I'm still battling a bit of anxiety. My phone rang a few times today and I was too scared to pick it up... gotta work on this.

Alrighty. I know what I want to work on now, and it's each day at a time.

Taking a step back and just being patient.... trying to. :)

Sam x

Day 22; Anxiety please go away! Unlocking my demons

Well, I'm really focussed on making a good effort this week.
Last week went out the window in all aspects because I relaxed heaps and I really did just beat myself up over it, people don't quite understand sometimes.. they go, "Omg, just dont do that to yourself" "You look fine!"
Thank-you, I appreciate that. But no, it's not good enough just yet. My goals differ from yours, I want to compete again, I want to be in the best shape of my life, but I want to have the best mind too.
I like control. It's from the ED, I know. I LOVE control and if I don't have it, I feel meaningless.
So, yes, I'm going to suffer and probably drag myself to the ground until i find the secret answer to this. But I will not fall down and not get up - I will always get back up. I'm looking at competing later in the year.. I have such a hunger to be in comp shape again and I feel I can start to manage it a lil better. It will be challenging thats for sure!

Meals = prepped. Focusing strong today (yes it's a monday, im good at these lol) and I smashed out a 35m run on the Mildred mixing between incline walk, speed 15 sprints and my stead speed 12.5run which ended me round about 6km and 500-600 cals.

The main thing I battle with these days is my anxiety. I'm on medication for it, but seriously. anxiety makes my life hell. it makes it harder and harder to manage everyday.
If I've done something wrong, my whole world will stop and I'll just FREAK going to the worst possible conclusion. It happened today, I'd done something wrong at work and my partner (Who's my boss) told me, and instead of taking it lightly I took it way to harsh and just punched myself in the gut basically.
Every single job I've had, I've made STUPID mistakes because I can't pay attention; I swear I'm part ADHD, I can't focus on anything for more than 20 mins... I'll get bored way to easy and my mind starts to wander in heaps of diff places .. I'll think about anything other than the task at hand, or I'll distract myself from thinking about things I need to do because I'm thinking about food and how I can binge. (I haven't done this in a while thank god.)

I cancel on people hanging out, I won't pick up my phone, I won't ring people, I won't see my own family, I won't apply for a job, I won't do anything because I get too fucking scared I'll fuck it up.

What kind of a way is that to live?
I'm honestly so sick of it. I constantly worry about the STUPIDEST shit... I've only realised because my partner has made this come to light for me, and if I really want to move forward I need to change and start facing these things.
So I need to make a wee list.
1. I can't work for most people, you may not understand but seriously.. it just doesn't fucking happen and i dont want it to ever.
so I'm going to have to figure out a way to make do for myself. I'm lucky to have some amazing bosses atm with isupps who give me no anxiety, but living off 250 per week isint really ideal, it's do-able but I'm up shit creek most of the time.. So I need to hit the drawing board. ANY ideas are appreciated or if anyone's cool and has cool jobs lol.

2. I need to learn to budget. I waste the little money I have on really stupid shit and unnecessary purchases... I don't even realize I do it most of the time, so I need to be more responsible here.

3. Set up payment for my fines, Renew my passport and all those other stupid life things.

It seems like all so much when I look at it but I'll just chip away at it as I can.

So yeah, Basically, I will drive myself into a shithole because I get so anxious. My anxiety stemmed from Anorexia, Anorexia makes you feel that- makes you feel the worry. It makes you live in a state of fear EVER single second of every day. And I've carried that habit through without even realising, but it's time to break it.
I don't have a fear of food anymore, but I seem to have this fear that I won't ever be good enough.

This whole 'getting attention from losing weight' is so apparent some days, some days I feel so shit. During comp prep I got so much praise from my partner, coach and everyone else that I looked so good... now nobody says anything so I feel, do they think I look gross? Is that why they aren't saying anything.
It's really weird.

Anyway, lying on bed with my charlie cat atm and about to head back into town to pick up Josh. I'm going to try do some weights by myself tonight.. here goes nothing! I might youtube some training vids to get some ideas...
Anywhoooooo.

Time to take a breath, it feels good to get all this shit off my chest.

<3 Namaste.
Sam

Day(s) 20 & 21; Fall down 7, stand up 8. Here we go again.

Alrighty.

I been battling BIG time in my own head lately.
So, the start of this week I told myself I was going to have a good week and follow my meals and train nearly 4x.

ermm... This did NOT happen! Guh.

I dont even know why I eat shit.
Sometimes, as soon as I have a bite. ALl hell breaks lose.
I have this MASSIVE war inside my head like.. "Sam, don't do it, you'll regret it."
"Na I don't care"
"You'll seriously feel shit"
"Na fuck off"
*eats food*
*feels shit*
"Fuck it"

Every. Single. Time.
I'm still learning to exercise that thing... called willpower! But I struggle to know what's willpower, whats depriving myself and whats living and being kind to myself. I guess I gotta figure out what I truly want... :/
I was spun off big time with a wedding in the middle of the week, surrounded by good food and good company.. and I find it SO hard to just let go.. As soon as I let go, I feel I've completely lost control and I'll drive myself into the ground. WHY the fuck do I do this?!?! God I just want to not care about my weight FOR ONE FUCKING DAY!!!!!

I told myself yesterday, okay, get back into clean eating.
Yeah well that went out the window as soon as I got to work.
Fucking quest bars! I bought a few at the start of the day because I didn't prep my meals, and I said to myself "Okay, eat one every 3 hours."
As soon as I had smashed back the first one, I ate the rest. And some other protein bars. Before I'd eaten like my body-weight in protein bars. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK you idiot!!!!

I went to drink a whole shit load of amino's because I felt so gross and needed to flush my system out.
I wasn't hungry until like 7pm that night.
Walking around the mall going to the movies, I felt like such a whale, I kept glancing my reflection in the mirror and the thoughts of all the bad food I've eaten, all the exercise I didn't do would rush it and it would show on my face and the vision of me would be so warped. I kept focusing on how loose my bum felt and how puffy my face was and how wide I was getting! Ugh!! I feel like I'm just starting all over again :(

Last night I went a bit OTT with the cookie dough protein again... :( 3 bowls later. I spose there could have been much worse things I could have eaten... but I just love food so much!!! Why am I so addicted to EATING??!?! As soon as I get addicted to eating lots, I get so lazy and just won't train. It'd be okay if I was training hard, but I'm not... I'm just fucking around wishing for shit to happen.
Sorry for all my swearing I just get so passionate... I'm just kinad spilling out my thoughts and typing as they come lol!! Weird.

TODAY.. okay, so, slept in till 12am (omg) .. I spose that means I won't eat as much today.
I had breakfast/lunch which was 1/2c rice cereal + scoop of my fitmiss vanilla chai whey.
And I smashed back alllll my vitamins and minerals, from my fatburner and my CLA and my multis bla bla bla lol.. needed to feel BACK IN THE GAME!!!

Me and Josh went to the gym around 3pm and I went for a 25m run with walk/sprint intervals and then some plyo work. I told myself I would do 30 but for some stuupid reason I got off at 25...  I don't even know why. Lol. Fucks sake. I'm GOING to do 35 tomorrow.

I honestly felt SO much better about myself after my smash of cardio. Was prob one of the better sessions I've had in a while. *mental note* I FEEL GOOD AFTER I EXCERCISE AND EAT GOOD!!! I need to keep reminding myself this everytime I feel like skipping a workout or eating a shitty meal.

So, done the groceries got home and cooked my meals for tomorrow!
My meals tomorrow will go as;
1/2c rice cereal w 3x egg whites
150g chick w 1/2c israeli couscous
150g beef w 1/2c israeli couscous and roast beetroot
1 small banana mashed w seeds and tsp maca powder
POST W/O Protein shake
150g fish + tomato

Okay... lets do this.
I can do it.
I can do it
I
CAN
DO IT!!

Gotta keep reminding myself that this process, it takes a lot of patience.
Am just munching on some protein icecream, Yum :)
Tomorrow I am going to get up, do my cardio and then do my work for the day and drink lots of water, and maybe even adventure somewhere nice if the weather is looking good!
I plan on training shoulders and glutes tomorrow - my two faves!

Bum bum ba dooommm!! Here we go.

This process is about falling down, and getting back up! I've fallen down, but It's time to get back up.I could go off the wagon completely, heck, it was so tempting.. and it's taken a lot of strength to realise what I truly want..to be healthy and happy.

XO sam

Day(s) 17,18 & 19; A night to be remembered with a side of coconut cream pie

Wow!
What a couple of days.. I've been meaning to sit down to have a ramble about my thoughts but I've actually just been enjoying life these past couple of days!!

I've been with my partner out in Springfield for one of my best friends weddings :) These two; Shane & Angie I owe so much too... they are so generous, caring and I consider them family!! We trecked out to Springfield Motel & Lodge where the wedding reception was going to be held, the ceremony itself was going to be up at Castle Hill!

I was a little nervous initially... wedding. Food. Lots of food. Usually this triggers off a huuuuge anxiety freak out and I end up having social anxiety because I can't focus on what people are saying because I think about food.. Should I pack my meals? Should I be organized? Or should I just enjoy myself? Will I feel fat? I'm going to feel fat aren't I...

When we got there I had a meal of my protein cookie dough I had made to take away.. then I started feeling peckish as we were helping set up. Some DELICIOUS tortilla crisp's were being freshly made... white tortillas, coated in butter, sugar and cinnamon and then oven baked.
I ate around a whole bowl to myself and got so addicted to just making getting some of them my priority.. I'd put food over helping out for goodness sakes!! I was happy tho, I didn't feel deprived and they tasted REALLY good.
That kinda set off the "Food food, picky" mode... We drove down to Darfeild and got some takeaway meals from the pub, I just wanted some roast veges, I had a few of my partners chips and then some pumpkin pieces out of my roast veg but I wasn't very hungry because I'd been picking, I Just ate out of habit.
I felt prettttty bloated.. but tried to brush it off.
Shane offered me a drink.
I haven't drunk in 2 years or so now, so I was a little apprehensive.. I mean, I'm not competing.. Am I allowed?
I had one anyway. One vodka turned into me having about 5 or 6 and feeling preeeettty drunk... (Lightweight lol) .. It actually was nice, good company, feeling a lil buzzy and not worrying about the dumb shit I would usually worry about.

Had a good heart to heart to my partner in the hot tub too; A lot of things I need to work on this year.
A big one for me is taking responsibility with the small things (Rent, Food, Life basics etc) ... For SO long I've actually used my Anorexia as an 'excuse' to feel sorry for myself, well, that's how Josh put it. And he was right. Initially I was like, WTF I don't feel sorry for myself! But when I break it down, it's really all it is.
Anorexia has made me lose jobs. It has robbed me of friendship, of being able to be in social situations. And I still struggle with all these things today, not as much as a used to. Training and exercise would come before my work or school... I'd call in sick or skip school if I knew I was going to clash with a training session, and I'd go to train having the WORST anxiety.. What if I got caught!! Arg.
And this habit, is something I carry through with me today; still using that same obsession with food as my excuse. I've lost jobs too, because I don't perform well and don't listen because I'm too busy thinking about how I can get my hands on food.
I burst into tears, realising how LONG I've gone like this... I WAS sorry for myself. More for my soul, for putting it through this torture.

Alrighty, after my drunk cry it was time for bed; we had a big day tomorrow and I was doing the brides and bridesmaids makeup as well as being the Photographer!

It was actually so fun getting ready for the wedding!! I love doing makeup and have found a wee nieche for it and find it fun! I got up around 9am and made myself some breakfast that I had brought with me for the day; Oats and protein. Nice and simple. I felt a little groggy from the vodka the night before but hey, I was okay.

I felt a littttle nervous as to what dress to wear... I brought two options; One was a sleek black dress and the second, a maxi red one that was quite floaty.
I felt nervous because I wasn't happy with how I looked.. I"d been eating not too my plan for 3 days now so I was feeling pretty bloated and yucky as apposed to last week!! I feel like I'm going backwards :(
I opted for the red floaty one to hide any bits and so I could eat without being concious that my tummy wasn't flat... I felt better with that decision!
SO, all make up done, all getting ready stuff done, time to drive the beautiful flower girls to Castle Hill and join the rest of the party!! I got lots of compliments on my eyes and makeup and lashes wich was so nice.. took my mind away from the fact I felt gross on my body!! It's nice to pick out nicer points about yourself instead of thinking of the superficial bullshit.

The wedding was just gorgeous, I won't go into too much of it here as I think my pictures will speak more than words. I am so very happy for these two beautiful people in my life.

Coming back, I knew it would be food time... I was actually excited about eating some goooood food!! We were staying in Springfield again tonight so I could drink again because wouldn't have to drive home!

The food was amazing.. once again, buffeetttt.. got a lil anxious but then just thought FUCK IT! I'm here, with my great friends, I'm going to damn well enjoy this. I don't need to be skinny for anybody or anything right now. I want to live. THIS DOESNT MEAN I CAN BINGE.
SO, I didn't binge. I had a plate of those tortilla things with mango salsa, and then some sushi and thennnn Angie's mom had made apple pie and coconut cream pie.. COCONUT CREAM PIE! HOLY SHIT HOLLLLYS HIT honestly the BEST thing I have EVER EVER EVER tasted!!! I'm going to find this recipe lol!!! I had 3 slices of the damn thing and 2 of apple pie.. Woops!!! Haha. But they tasted amazing... I don't know why I couldn't stop at just 1... I had to just top it off a bit more I think to make sure I hadn't 'missed out' ..?

I had so much punch. Last night was possibly the drunkest I've been in 3 years... it was hilarious hahahaha. I actually had a really good time, YES, my 'new years' resolution was to be my healthiest, YES, I haven't been healthy over the past few days eating very relaxed, not training, and drinking alcohol. YES it's going to take a toll on my body.. I can feel it today, I'm groggy, blown out and feel pretty yucky!!! But, I must be responsible for this. I had a choice at the end of the day; but it meant more to me being able to 'party' and have fun with some of my best friends in my life who have given me nothing but all I'd ever need!!

We were so hammertime, the boys were hilarious, esp Josh (One with Aztec tattoo in photos) .. Hhaha, Ive never seen him drink like that so it was cool to know he was enjoying himself too!!

Well, we had to be in store at 9am this morning so it's a hour drive from Springfield to town, so we were up at about 6-45 to head home and shower etc. I slept on the floor of the shop out back for like 3 hours because I seriously thought I was going to fall asleep at the wheel.

I'm still pretty drained, haven't trained and have eaten today;
1/2c oats + 3 egg whites + cacao nibs
30g whey, 2tbsp coconut flour + cacao nibs and almond butter
Handful of scroggin
Few pieces of dark chocolate
Amino's

Soo, not much and kinda random amounts. But I've had sooo much food over the past couple of days!! I felt a bit confused as I didn't know if I should eat really clean today because I've had so many days off I adopted the "AHHH, fuck it, it doesn't matter it wont hurt you" Attitude... Errrmmm.. NO.

It's playing w my head a bit ,I havent taken any pics because I know that it will take me a few days of solid eating and training to balance back out to where I was. Trying my best to not let this get the better of me, as my main goal again is that I want to be able to "LIVE" without feeling guilt, and still reach my goals.

There will be the way.

Sam xx

A million reasons as to why I love this man.

Me and Chrissy and her 'derp' face haha

Shit got pretty mental lol!

The two faves of the day <3

Myself, Angie and Brydie (Greaaat shot of Brydie ahha)

Apple pieieeeeee

Cute wee cupcakes :)

THESE ARE THE TORTILLAS. OMG SO GOOD. I ate most of that bowl lol.

The pies. Dun dun dun.

Josh's fave - Cray cray!

My 'family' :)
Josh, Shane, Angie and Myself.